Disclaimer: Kirk and Star Trek sadly do not belong to me. Gene Roddenberry gets props for creating the Trek universe and the original characters. JJ Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman get props for redefining the Star Trek characters in the alternate universe.
A/N: The original Owner's Guide belongs to Theresa Green. It first appeared in the LOTR fandom, but many others have used the original template in other fandoms for other characters. I found a TOS Spock one, but not a Kirk. So I decided the sexy Captain Kirk needed an owner's manual, and this is the end result. Also, it gets kind of slashy (K/S) near the end so if that's not your thing, don't read it. Thank you.
Captain James T. Kirk: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
You are now the proud owner of a CAPTAIN JAMES KIRK unit!
Follow the guidelines in this manual and your KIRK will give you decades of quality performance.
When you receive your KIRK, remove his leather jacket so he does not become overheated. It is not necessary to remove any other clothes at this time.
Your KIRK should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the KIRK unit.
(a) KIRK 1.0 (copyright Roddenberry/Shatner, 1966)
(b) KIRK 2.0 (copyright Abrams/Pine, 2009)
Note: This Owner's Manual refers to KIRK 2.0, bearing a strong resemblance to one Chris Pine.
Name: James Tiberius Kirk
Starship: U.S.S. Enterprise
Home Planet: Earth
Home Town: Riverside, Iowa
Manufacturers: George and Winona Kirk
Site of Manufacture: Deep Space
Height: 6 ft ½ in
Weight: insufficient data
Hair Color: Dirty Blond
Eyes: Blue or Sapphire, your choice
Your KIRK unit has been designed to be user-friendly and proficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in Standard or Vulcan. (He is fluent in both.)
Remember that your KIRK is not just eye-candy; he has multiple functions.
For the most effective information gathering (i.e. flirting with anything that moves), set to 'Friendly' mode. He will happily charm/flirt/make out with girls, guys, aliens and humans alike to discover whatever piece of information it is that you seek.
Your KIRK unit is programmed with a vast knowledge of how to defend himself, and will be able to protect you if you are ambushed. However, his mathematical skills seem to be lacking. He frequently picks fights with several others at a time even though the odds are against him. If this is the case, you cannot rely on him to save you so learn to do some butt-kicking of your own!
Your KIRK's memory contains a great many stories from classic Terran literature. He also has had many Deep Space adventures. This makes him ideal for telling bed time stories. Just remind him to leave out the big bad Klingons – those guys would scare anyone on a good day!
Your KIRK tends to find unique solutions to previously unsolvable problems. He passed the Kobayashi Maru by changing the parameters of the test. Your SPOCK unit believes this 'solution' to be an act of cheating, but KIRK stubbornly insists it was, in fact, original thinking.
Your KIRK has had plenty of experience with the art of BSing. He will gladly BS your homework for you or come up with an excuse to explain to your parents why you were out until 3 in the morning.
Your KIRK can stimulate your brain by engaging you in a friendly game of chess. Better hope you have the 3-D chess board, because that's his favorite!
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
You will find that your KIRK is compatible with most other humans, Vulcans, Orions, Andorians, etc. However caution should be exercised with respect to using your KIRK in conjunction with any Vulcan model other than the SPOCK 2.0 (Quinto) unit.
Note: Do not let your SPOCK 2.0 learn of SPOCK 1.0's existence, or else the universe will surely explode!
The maintenance of a SPOCK unit as an attachment to a KIRK unit is generally not problematic after the first few hours. The KIRK and SPOCK models have three modes of interaction:
WARNING: It is essential that both the KIRK and SPOCK units be set to the same interaction mode. If the SPOCK model is set to 'Hostile' while the KIRK is set to 'T'hy'la', your captain could be fatally damaged.
The items with which your KIRK comes equipped, depend on which edition of the captain you have purchased.
KIRK 1.0 : Wears gold Starfleet command uniform, black pants, boots. Underwear not included.
KIRK 2.0 : Wears black cadet uniform or gold Starfleet command uniform, black pants, boots. Comes with leather jacket and motorcycle.
Both editions are equipped with phasers and communicators as well as five additional gold uniform shirts. (These tend to get ripped.) The KIRK 2.0 also has a winter coat along with the ability to withstand extremely low temperatures, miraculously resulting in little to no damage.
Depending on the uses to which you put your KIRK, you may have to clean him on a regular basis. Use either a water shower or a sonic shower – either will suffice. Be sure to tell him how sexy he is – his ego needs to be stoked regularly, too.
To ensure that your KIRK remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.
Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your KIRK unit can be provided by the SPOCK unit, sold separately.
After long periods of use, your KIRK's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your human:
Your KIRK does not need as much food as the SCOTTY model, but he benefits from regular refueling with steak dinners and assorted junk food. This may prompt any nearby McCOY unit to yell at him for his unhealthy eating habits. Be sure to ask your KIRK for a list of specific food allergies before feeding him something exotic.
Note: Don't waste food in front of him unless you are prepared for him to go into full angst mode. (If this happens, have the SPOCK unit standing by.)
If your KIRK's energy is almost spent, give him plenty of water to drink. Water is safe because you can be certain he is not allergic to it. It is also essential for the proper function of humans. Your KIRK may try to convince you that he needs Romulan Ale to maintain the perfect balance of electrolytes. This is not true. Excessive drinking of Romulan Ale in humans can lead to malfunctions (e.g. the never ending pee break).
You may be surprised by the small amount of sleep that your KIRK needs in order to maintain optimum performance. Instead, he often uses this time to frequent the observation deck to gaze at the stars. This is due to his traumatic experience on Tarsus IV. Do not ask him about Tarsus unless you are prepared for a total angst fest. If you still feel the need to inquire about his experience on Tarsus IV, have the SPOCK unit nearby to provide some necessary TLC.
The KIRK 2.0 can be issued with a revised 'Home (copyright Lanaea)' program from July 2009. Please see your favorite fanfiction site for details of this upgrade.
It is not possible to reprogram the KIRK 1.0. He was already programmed with the essential slash capabilities intact. He needs no further encouragement.
Thanks to the popularity of the KIRK unit (especially version 2.0), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your captain.
* Have your KIRK micro-chipped. Choose a doctor who is experienced in the handling of whiny captains to carry out this procedure. (Any nearby McCOY unit would gladly volunteer.)
* Do not leave your KIRK unattended in public.
* Do not lend your KIRK to anyone (e.g. your friends Cupcake, Harry Mudd, or Cyrano Jones).
CAUTION: Your KIRK may tell you that the best way to keep from getting lost is to chain his wrists to the bedposts. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM! Follow his suggestion, by all means, but do not think for one minute that it has anything to do with security. It just means he has masochistic tendencies. If he asks to be tortured, call for the SPOCK unit. Immediately.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Can I take my KIRK on vacation with me?
A: Yes! He especially enjoys camping trips and may insist on singing cheesy songs around the campfire. Be aware that if there is a mountain in the vicinity, he will most likely attempt to climb its rocky face to the top. If you want your KIRK unit to stay in one piece, have the SPOCK unit standing by with a pair of gravity boots.
Q: I have read in some Fan Fiction that my KIRK unit could become pregnant. Is this true?
A: Anything is possible due to medical advances in the 23rd century. However, your KIRK's MPREG function has been automatically set to 'off'. You may, of course, switch it to 'on' if you wish your KIRK to carry a 'butt-baby' to term. Note: Setting KIRK to 't'hy'la' and placing him in a room with a SPOCK unit set to 't'hy'la' is guaranteed to produce optimal results.
Q: Where should I store my KIRK when he is not in use?
A: He's not picky about where you store him, as long as he has a SPOCK unit to keep him company. Store them in a closet for all they care. Let them out when social norms have changed and their relationship will be widely accepted.
Problem: Your KIRK keeps putting himself in danger to save the lives of others, often resulting in injury.
Solution: Remind him how much he hates getting hypos to the neck and trips to Sickbay.
Problem: Your KIRK seems distracted and there is a faraway look in his eyes. He keeps complaining that his blood is burning, and that his 't'hy'la' is calling to him through their bond.
Solution: Locate your SPOCK unit, put him in a room with your KIRK unit, and leave them the hell alone! Your SPOCK unit is experiencing Pon Farr, the seven year Vulcan mating cycle. Your KIRK and SPOCK can fix that problem if left to their own devices for the minimum of three days.
Problem: Your KIRK is becoming difficult to understand when he speaks. He is slurring his words and having difficulty with articulation, pronouncing 'r's as 'w's.
Solution: Give him a breathalyzer test. If he's not drunk, assume he has numb-tongue. WTF have you been feeding him? Consult the McCOY unit right away for the cure.
Problem: Your KIRK can't sleep due to nightmares.
Solution: This is normal behavior for your KIRK. If it is interfering with his performance, recommend he take a sedative before bed, or suggest that your SPOCK unit should meld with him to remove the harmful memories causing said nightmares.
Problem: Your KIRK has developed the habit of hanging off the edges of cliffs, ledges, platforms, roofs, basically anything where he can fall and seriously injure himself.
Solution: Don't interfere. Every time, he's managed to pull himself up to safety. And besides, it's good exercise for his arm muscles.
Problem: Your KIRK keeps injecting random pauses in between words when he talks. You can't take whatever he's saying seriously!
Solution: You have been issued KIRK 1.0 by mistake! Trade him in for the upgraded 2.0 model for no extra charge.
Problem: Your KIRK is exceedingly grumpy, loathes all Vulcans with a passion (even the SPOCK unit) and keeps insisting he is a doctor, not a starship captain.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a McCOY unit rather than a KIRK. If you kept your receipt, you may be able to get a refund. Otherwise your only hope is to breed from him. (Keep an eye out for the UHURA or CHAPEL units.)
Problem: Minutes after you open your KIRK, your front yard becomes inundated with screaming teenage girls wielding 'Marry Me, Captain Fine!' banners.
Solution: This phenomenon is not unknown with the KIRK 2.0. Take the following steps:
(1) It essential that you hide your KIRK. Do not hide him in the bedroom – it is the first place they will look.
(2) Tell the fan-girls that 'The Best of Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto' is showing at your local cinema. They will soon disappear.
(3) Tell any remaining fan-girls that you have a KIRK 1.0. Most of them will lose interest since they probably have only a limited knowledge of how sexy the KIRK 1.0 model can be in his own special way. Any that are left are probably quite decent people if they know TOS. Invite them in for plomeek soup and begin a discussion about whether KIRK would really have known SPOCK before KIRK's trial. While they are arguing, sneak out with your KIRK and head for the Enterprise where the SPOCK unit awaits him. Recommend that they lie low for a few days.
For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at mailing address:
PO BOX 1701
SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94129
*May you and your Kirk live long and prosper.
A/N: Any questions, comments, concerns about the Kirk model? Review and I will do my best to answer/fix them. Although, I couldn't find Chris Pine's weight for the life of me.
Also, I have not forgotten about Mission to Gamus, but I'm on the last chapter and I want to make sure it is top notch, so it's taking me a little longer than normal. It's coming, I promise!