This story has been in progress for about a week, but since I usually only write while I'm in the train on my way to work and lucky enough to get a seat it took me a while :) Well, here it is and I hope you like it. The title is pretty self explanatory. Lisbon's words actually mean a lot to me.
Disclaimer: I wish… But still, none of this is mine… But hey, Christmas is only two months away!
I'm sitting in my monthly human resources class that the CBI is ordering all Senior Agents to take. As usual it's pretty boring and somewhat useless. Nobody's ever gonna be able to tell me how to handle you and prevent you from doing too much damage to the Bureau's reputation… Therefore, I decided to use the time I should be listening to write you instead.
I don't usually do that. Write letters. They take time to write and get to people and I just don't have the patience for that. Plus, you always have to wait ages to get a response. But right now I decided a letter would be best. It gives me time to think about what I wanna tell you and I can just give it to you or leave it on your couch. And I'm not expecting you to write back. What I wanna tell you is not aiming for a reply but rather for you to hear me out.
I had a really hard time those days with Carmen and the whole mess he created. Sure, I'm happy it's over but there is no way for me to forget easily. I now know that I didn't do it and when it all started I also knew. But while you guys were investigating I really truly believed. I was convinced that I would be able to do something like that. That I would be capable of committing murder. And I had never been so scared in my life. I felt like everything was going backwards, like everything I am and believe in was falling apart right in front of me and all I could do was watch. I lost all faith in myself and when I found out that everybody else, even my team and Minelli, came to consider the possibility that I was guilty I was slowly starting to lose faith in them as well.
But for some reason you never seemed to doubt my innocence. Or sanity for that matter. And the entire time I was wondering why you weren't. I'm still clueless. I didn't really give you reason to believe in me after all. Why did you?
I hate the feeling of not being able to help myself and being weak. Not only physically but also mentally. I like to be in control. Have to be.
What I said to Carmen while I was trying to make him spill wasn't just something I had made up to get him where we wanted him to be. I was actually telling the truth. Over the course of my life I have gathered so much anger and frustration in me that sometimes I feel like I'm gonna burst any second. I hate the feeling because I like to think that that's not me. But I fail to accept that it actually is. There are times when life scares me, when I scare myself. Times when I have no idea how to go on. But never throughout my life have I admitted to myself that I can't do it by myself anymore.
What you did for me during those days means the world to me. It shouldn't have surprised me to see you care so much, for some reason I know you do. I'm glad though that my mind was so mixed up that I let you do your mind tricks on me. I don't dare to imagine what would've happened if you hadn't been there.
The reason I'm telling you all this is that I want to thank you. And I'm doing it in a letter because I still don't trust myself enough to do it in person. I might end up stammering once I stand in front of you. I hardly ever say thank you. I'm sure you've noticed that over the time we've been working together. But this time I really feel that it's necessary. That if I don't I won't ever admit to myself that I would have been lost without you. And I would have been. So thank you. For all you've ever done for me but especially for assuring me that I would be ok.
I spent the night after Carmen's confession sitting on my living room couch with the most calming tea I could find in my kitchen cabinets and worked my way through the events in my head. When I was done with everything pertaining to the case and the investigation and figured that I wouldn't be able to sleep anyways I moved on to the past. Instead of digging out the few photos I have of my childhood though I relied on my mind to take me on a journey to the events locked within. I've always found doing that really exhausting and did that night, too. But for the first time in my life I think I made a positive decision regarding the impact my past has on my present. After quite a while I found myself admitting to myself and the nothingness around me that I'm close to being lost. That if I don't do anything about it I'm likely to get lost in everything some day and that that day is approaching fast. I fear that very soon I won't know what to do anymore. And the only way I see to save myself is to seek help. I know it's gonna be hard with all the events with Carmen stuck in my head but it's necessary. And I think you should know.
I'm scared, Jane. I really am. Because I don't know what it's gonna be like and how I will feel when everything that's been is being brought back to me. It's gonna be tough at times, most times. But this time I wanna pull through. I wanna be strong enough to make it through the time it takes and emerge stronger than I am now.
And for that I need you. This is me asking for help. After having written all this to you I feel ok with that but I need to make sure that you do, too. I need to know that you will be there for me during whatever may come. Please. I don't wanna feel lost anymore, I wanna fight. This letter is the first step and I know that there will be many more ahead of me.
But I'm relieved to know that you're around whenever I fear to break apart. And I'm glad that I can rely on you to pick me up again.
I'd love to know what you think! Partly because I just do and partly because I'm still debating on adding another chapter :) Hint, hint, hint... :)