This is about 2 months late. I'm really sorry but honestly don't feel sooo bad because the story had the status completed already anyways :)
This was written listening to "No envy, no fear" by Joshua Radin and "Until the sun sets" by Zach Berkman. I thought those were a great inspiration. The lyrics are from the song "Can't Stop" by Mozella. So, not mine :) As well as the characters, show etc.
A huge Thank You to reviewing so far! This should definitely be the last chapter. Enjoy!
At 1:08 am Lisbon found herself sitting in her car parked in the lot in front of the CBI building. It was quiet and she was by herself. That was something she was used to in her life, being by herself and having the space she needed to breath and not feel crushed by everything surrounding her. But tonight seemed different. The feeling she had was new and she had to admit that she was uncomfortable with it. Not just slightly, she actually was freaked out to say the least.
So much had happened over the last two weeks and the events with Carmen were just the first step towards where her heart now was. It had been days since she had received Jane's letter. Days during which she had made sure to stay away from any more or less private conversation and moments alone with him. Those days in turn had let to spending several nights lying awake in her bed or alternatively on her living room couch rolling around all kinds of thoughts in her head. Night after night she would contemplate her actions but always come up empty by morning. That would result in another day of avoiding him. It had become a vicious circle.
So at 1:08 am that night Lisbon was sitting in the CBI parking lot staring up at the few lights that were still on in the building. Two of them marked the fourth floor squad room of another division, one the storage area she suspected the cleaning crew to be finishing up in and the last one pointed out their bullpen. The floor on which she had expected to find her very own consultant dozing on the worn out leather couch in the corner of the room. Because where else would he be, right?
But all the few words she had come up with on her way into the building and up the stairs had died in her head when she had entered the bullpen to find it emtpy. Just like the kitchen and hallway in front of the men's room. She had spent about ten minutes sitting on the bench in front of it waiting for him to emerge. But he never did. In fact, he seemed to have had left. On her way out her concerns had been confirmed by Chris, the security guard. According to him, Jane had taken off in his car about an hour and a half ago. And no, he had not told Chris where he had been off to.
No Jane on the couch, no Citroen in the parking lot. That was new.
Jane had spent the better part of the evening - and now also night - parked in front of her appartment building. While he had been waiting for her all kinds of different thoughts had crossed his mind. They had ranged from 'What's with the bump in the car next to the garbage can?' to 'Why doesn't Lisbon have a proper door with deadbolts instead of just a glass screen covered with a curtain?'. But eventually he always came back to the one thing nagging at his thoughts: Where was she? He knew she had left before him and he was pretty sure that she didn't have any plans tonight. After all it was Thursday and for all he knew she should have gone home to dinner and TV. But then again, they hadn't talked in days, so what did he know really?
Those days had been awkward. They had tiptoed around each other each of them waiting for the other one to make the first step not daring themselves to make a move. That had been something that Jane was not used to and he was sure that Lisbon felt the same. No matter how weird or stressful or unpleasant situations had been in the past, they had always been able to at least talk to each other and make everything right again. And it's not like they were ignoring one another. They still looked at each other and even smiled. But they both knew that something had to be done soon.
That's how after nights of staring at the ceiling and days of wandering around not being able to concentrate he had ended up at her appartment building tonight. And with every minute she didn't show up he could feel his pent-up courage dissipating. Apparently, tonight just wouldn't be the night. He had chosen the wrong moment. Feeling defeated and strangely hungry he turned the key in the ignition and left his parking spot.
No Lisbon on her couch, no SUV in the parking lot. That was new.
'Maybe not tonight,' Lisbon thought as she steered her car out onto the road contemplating whether she really wanted yet another sleepless night to wait for her. She knew she didn't, she dreaded it, but she had no idea what else to do. She had expected him to be on his couch as always. It was odd. Why tonight? It had taken her so long to gather her courage and if she didn't get to talk to him tonight she would have to do it all over again. For a second time she would have to talk herself into being ready to talk about it one more time. But where else could she look for him? She had never been to his house and had no idea how to get there. Plus, she really didn't think that that's where he would be. Calling him definitely wasn't an option, this did not rate appropriate for a conversation on the phone. That left her with one possibility: going home.
Stopping at a red light, Lisbon started fumbling with the radio. Why was it that in this part of the city the reception was always awful? And why did she always get stuck at this intersection on her way home? It was like a curse. Quickly becoming tired of the cracking and sizzling noises the radio was delivering she switched to CD. She hadn't checked the CD player in weeks and had no idea what song would start to play.
Speak to me, read my mind.
Fill your mouth with flesh and wine.
And I'll be yours, just give me time...
I'm loosing sleep over you
And I don't know what I've got myself into.
You just have something that I need.
I can't put my finger on it,
You can't put yours on me...
His car. There it was, sitting a hundred feet away from her in the parking lot of Frank and Jerry's Diner off Capitol Avenue. It had to be his. Or wasn't it? Being pulled from her thoughts by the driver behind her and their incessant honking she had to make a quick decision and had no time to weigh her options. Now or never. She took a right and pulled in next to his Citroen.
Cause you have everything I could ever want.
You have everything I could ever want.
You speak to my soul like you've known it before...
When Lisbon pulled the door open and entered the diner she stepped into a cold glow of pink and blue that the flourescent lights in the windows cast on the interior. To her left she saw a man seated at the counter with toast, scrambled eggs and a newspaper in front of him. He probably belonged to the truck outside. From one of the booths behind him she could hear the laughter and talking of four or five teenagers probably sharing a late dinner/early breakfast after a night out. Man, how she missed those nights... Looking over to her right she found Jane sitting slumped over a cup of some steaming hot liquid picking at leftover French Toast in front of him. He had chosen one of the dimly lit booths in the back and although he was facing her he didn't notice her entering. She approached the counter and leaned in towards the only waitress working that night kindly asking her for a coffee. Sticking her hands in her pants pockets, she tentatively walked towards him and the smell of coffee.
"No tea tonight?"
He looked up surprised to see her. She nodded towards his cup still with her hands in her pockets and said "You're having coffee and it looks like it doesn't even have milk with it."
While Jane had stopped chewing on his toast he looked at her with confused eyes. It was obvious he was rather surprised to see her standing right in front of him. While he was still puzzled about how she could have found him in exactly this out of all about thirty diners in the city she gestured at the seat opposite of where he was sitting. "May I?" He slowly came out of his daze, shook his head to be able to think clearly again and nodded. "Uh, sure... Do you want a coffee or something?" "I already asked for one", she said tilting her head towards the counter. As if on cue the waitress showed up bringing a mug and full pot of freshly brewed coffee. Lisbon nodded thank you as the girl left the pot sitting on the table and left the two of them to themselves.
As Lisbon carefully added milk and slowly stirred the now chocolate brown beverage in front of her she hesitantly stole glances at the man sitting opposite her. He seemed nervous and she wondered whether he had been fighting the same demons she had over the last days.
"I thought I'd find you on your couch tonight but you weren't there."
For some reason he didn't dare to look up at her. "Yeah, I couldn't sleep." "Sounds familiar", she muttered lost in the swirl her spoon was creating in her coffee cup.
An unintended silence settled between them. Unintended and awkward. Unintended because both knew why they were here, together, and that there was something that they should be talking about. Awkward because silences just were something that they weren't comfortable with yet. At least not when it was between the two of them.
Lisbon finally was the first to feel the need to say something. "I got your letter."
Man, what a stupid statement, she scolded herself right after having uttered it. Of course he knew that, otherwise he'd probably be a bit more confused as to why she had been tip-toeing around him for the better part of the last week. Another silence followed, filled be only the laughter of the teenagers on the other end of the diner.
"Look, Lisbon-" "Listen, Jane-", they started simultaneously. They glanced at each other with words that could have filled entire dictionaries of a newly invented language. But even though in just that instant of a second they had conveyed every meaning of every word they wanted to say to each other they still felt the need to express their thoughts in spoken words.
"You first", Lisbon said never taking her eyes off his. They were tired and worn out but she could see his dire need to speak in them.
Jane took a deep and mind-clearing breath and willed all his courage back. Why was it so hard to tell her what he felt and what he actually had already put in writing days earlier?
"I wasn't sure how you would feel about my letter and I still don't know but I needed you to know. I needed you to understand and realize that you won't be alone in this and that whatever you decide on you will not be by yourself. I'm not sure if that came across the way I wanted it to because, honestly, I was a bit at a loss of words when I wrote the letter. As much as I had been when reading yours actually."
He paused to quickly look outside into the night before meeting her gaze. She still hadn't taken her eyes off his. That wasn't exactly useful to his non-existent bravery to keep talking. Oh, what the hell...
"Lisbon, what I need you to know is that-"
"I'd be relieved."
He stopped in mid-sentence sending her a stunned look. "You what?"
She pushed her coffee cup to her right away from her and focussed completely on him. She'd never seen this blank expression on his face before. Scary, but kind of nice actually.
"I would be relieved to take you with me. On my journey, I mean. Because I'm scared to travel by myself. That much hasn't changed since I wrote that letter. But the fear has dissipated over the past days now that I can be sure that I don't have to be in this alone."
She watched him sink bank in his seat with an even more stunned expression on his face than before she had dived into her very own and very personal confession for a second time in only a few weeks. At first the sight in front of her scared her because for a split second she wasn't sure if maybe he had actually planned on taking back what he had offered in his letter to her. But when his face changed and a sigh hinted towards his real thoughts she immediately relaxed.
She slowly leaned forward and hesitantly took his left hand in both of hers. Looking at it as though feeling the need to examine every square millimeter of skin she could find on it she continued, now herself being the one not daring to talk to him face to face.
"Patrick, you offering me to help and be there for me when I will most need it and beyond was the most loving and nice thing anyone has ever done for me. And the bravest for that matter. I honestly hope you realize that..."
She shyly let her eyes wander up to meet his again and in them she found what she had missed over the past years of her life. She saw complete and utter sympathy and understanding. She lost herself in them like they were the midnight sky she had loved to look up at in awe when she was a kid. Pure with peace and stillness and radiating comfort for her soul and heart. That's what she saw in Jane's eyes. And that's also what she had found he carried within himself.
She couldn't bring herself to say anything else. Noticing her state Jane decided to take over and help her out.
"Teresa, no matter what we will come across, there is nothing that could keep me away from you. I know what it feels like to walk that road and I would be a crappy friend if I didn't offer at least a bit of support. I wanna do more than that though. I wanna be with you every step of the way because you mean so much more to me than the words in my letter could get across. You're special and extraordinary and special and extraordinary people deserve special and extraordinary treatment. So, I'm just giving you what you deserve, nothing less."
Searching her brain for words and willing her mouth to say them, all Lisbon could come up with was a simple "Thank you". But those two words were filled with so much more meaning and feeling that nothing else was needed as Jane slowly put his right hand on top of her hers and smiled.
Cause you have everything I could ever want.
You have everything I could ever want.
You speak to my soul like you've known it before...
As always, I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts :) Thank you!