Title: "A Miserable Existence"
Spoilers: Spoilers for the entire series.
Warnings: Rated T for swearing and sexual references, and slight cannibalism. Mildly described "mind control" sexual situation with serious consent issues.
Summary: The three little pigs, Mello, Matt and Near, try to stop Light, the Big Bad Wolf. This is a request fic for the first winner of my 100th review contest, WhiteLadyDragon. The given plot description is: "Have you heard of "The Three Little Pigs"? Because that's the fairy tale I had in mind. I want to see Mello, Matt and Near as three cute (but feisty) little anthromorphic piglets who go off into the world to seek their fortunes, and to hunt down Light, the Big Bad Wolf."
Pairings: MelloxMatt and EveryonexMary_Sue.
Additional Notes: Most canon events have occurred in some other form than usual, since the death note's effects are different and everyone in this fic an anthropomorphic animal.
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, and I do not make any money from these writings.
Once upon a time, there were three little piglets who lived in Wammy's House in England. The oldest one was named Mello. He had such pretty blond hair and such a cute little piggy-nose that everyone kept thinking he was female, so he always wore tough leather clothing and carried a gun and swore a lot. The second oldest was named Matt. He had fluffy red hair on top of his head, and he dressed in goggles, a leather vest, a striped shirt and he loved video games. The youngest was named Near. He had white hair and spent most of his time crouched on the floor.
But one day, Roger, the orangutan in charge of Wammy's House, called all three little piglets into his office and told them that Kira had defeated L. Now, the three little piglets had to take over the job and defeat Kira.
When Roger had finished explaining the basics of the situation, Mello said, "Roger, you mean, L... he's... he's..."
Roger said, "Yes, he's in Fiji. He couldn't very well stay in Japan; the weather isn't nice enough."
Mello said, "That bastard! That shit-faced, cock-sucking bastard Kira! He'll pay for this."
Near clicked an additional piece into the jigsaw puzzle he was working on, and said, "It doesn't matter if Kira got to L. The important thing is winning the game. If I win, I'll be better than L."
Mello looked back over his should at Near, an expression of insane rage on his face, and said, "I'll never let you say you were better than L. I'm joining your team, and then, when we win, it won't really be your victory."
Near said, "Whatever," and picked up his jigsaw puzzle to shake all the pieces out.
Mello was about to explode in rage again when Matt finally looked up from his hand-held video game and said, "Then, we need to visit L and find out what he knows."
They traveled to Fiji and found L sitting under a large parasol in the middle of a beach, with expensive high-rise hotels just behind him. L was crouched in a beach chair, lining up pieces of candy along the chair's armrest, his black panda ears twitching and his white face with the black circles around his eyes making him look cute and gothic at the same time. His heart glowed with such a strong red light that it shone entirely through his clothing, the unmistakable mark of a Kira victim.
All Kira victims were marked like that, and all of them were homeless. Kira had the power to force anyone to be homeless with just a name and a face. If a Kira victim entered a building, it simply collapsed. It didn't matter how rich Kira victims might be, or how many homes they could afford, they'd be living outdoors the rest of their lives, whether they liked it or not.
When L saw the three little piglets approaching, he raised a paw and waved, saying, "Boys, over here."
The piglets lined up in front of L, and L said, "Wow, you three have really grown. I assume you're here about the Kira case?"
"Yes," they answered in unison.
L said, "I'm sure that Kira is Light, the Big Bad Wolf, but I was never able to prove it. He got to me somehow, and the entire headquarters building collapsed, and we lost all our data."
Matt said, "L, why don't you just run the case from this beach? You could use a laptop computer and direct things from a distance."
L said, "That's no good. I really have a miserable existence here. I'm not an outdoor panda. I hate the sun. I can't work like this, but if I went to where it was gloomy and rained all the time I'd die of hypothermia without being able to go indoors."
Just then, a pig in a servant's uniform arrived with a big slice of cake.
L dug into it with enthusiasm and said, "Yes, my life is terrible. All I do is sit on the beach and eat and read, and get richer from the payments the expensive hotels give me to not go inside them, and have lots of sex with all the pretty girls who fall in love with me at first sight. What Kira did to me was completely unforgivable."
Matt said, "Well, there were two Kiras, right? Everyone saw that from the television broadcasts. How much evidence did you get on them?"
L said, "Only circumstantial evidence. There was never any proof. I had Light under surveillance and subjected him to searches quite a lot, but nothing conclusive ever turned up. I did the same to his girlfriend, Misa, the second Kira, but that pussy's apartment never had any evidence in it."
Near said, "When you say 'pussy' you're referring to Misa being feline, right? It's not you being dirty?"
L replied, "I'm not a pervert. Yes, I was referring to Misa being a cat."
Matt said, "I don't care if you call Misa a pussy or not. We just need to come up with a plan for nailing those two."
Near said, "It's obvious that someone else is using the notebook to deflect suspicion from Light. We just need to find out who it is and then prove Light is the one giving orders."
Just then, L suddenly screamed and fell out of his beach chair. He raised a shaking hand and pointed to an approaching dragon.
Mello said, "Wow, that's the cutest girl dragon I've ever seen in my life."
L hid behind his chair and said, "That's no ordinary dragon. That's a notorious criminal. Mary Sue is the only dragon-vampire-angel-fairy in existence, and she holds the world record for the largest number of restraining orders against a single criminal. Her stalking skills are far beyond ordinary levels."
Mary Sue jumped up and down, squealing cutely as her rainbow-colored scales flashed iridescent in the sunlight.
She said, "L, I found you again! And my telepathic powers tell me you need my help on the Kira case!"
In a pained voice, L said, "Piglets, get away before her sexual power corrupts you! If she gets within five meters, she can force you to fall in love with her, and she can also pair up any two males and make them have hot sex with each other!"
With those words of warning, L was fleeing rapidly across the beach. The three piglets tried to flee too, but soon it was clear that Mary Sue was pursuing them instead of L, and catching up fast.
Mello said, "I can solve this!"
He turned around and shot her with his gun. While Mary Sue lay bleeding on the sand, the three piglets were able to make their escape from the beach, get on a plane, and go to a secret underground headquarters in Japan.
The first thing they did in the investigation was to gather all information they could about Kira. Their headquarters was littered with stacks of reports on Kira's victims and statistics about Kira websites and videos of everything that had ever been broadcast on TV about Kira.
That's when the three piglets had a meeting to discuss what plan they should use.
Near crouched on the floor at the front of the room, swirling a finger through his hair, and clicked a remote control to start playing a video.
Near said, "As you can see, Takada from Sakura TV is the only known link to X-Kira, the one who is being a scapegoat for Light."
In the video, Takada said, "Thank you once again to my viewers who support Kira's quest to replace all bacon with tofu. Anyone who eats bacon, or is connected to bacon dealers in any way, or who opposes Kira, will become homeless. It is clear that the predator rehabilitation programs are flawed. Fifteen percent of predators will try bacon again at some point in their lives; no matter how much tofu therapy they receive. The threat of becoming permanently homeless will eventually cleanse the world of all bacon, and no pig will ever be slaughtered again."
The screen switched to a view of a cute baby piglet, sitting in a baby basket, cooing, and playing with its toes. A headline flashed, "Do You Want To Eat This? Then You Are A Sick Fuck!"
Then the screen changed to a bear who was being arrested by cops. He looked directly at the camera and said, "Kira! Have mercy! I have many cubs at home who depend on me. I can't become homeless. Besides, they told me it was 'I Can't Believe It's Not Bacon' and I had no way of knowing it was the real thing!"
At that moment, the bear's heart suddenly started to glow a red so bright that it shone right through his shirt. His head slumped in defeat, and he started crying. He said, "Darling, I'm sorry. I won't be coming home."
The screen switched back to Takada and she started blathering on pointlessly about how great and cool Kira was.
Near turned off the video and said, "I already have a plan. We should assume that Light will want to make all of us homeless if we arrange a meeting in an abandoned warehouse, and that he'll send X-Kira to write down the names of everyone there except himself. When we find out who X-Kira is, we should pull a complicated scheme involving switching the real notebook with a fake, and assume Light will think we assume that, and then replace the fake with a fake too. Then we should assume X-Kira will never test the fake notebook, and we'll win."
Mello said, "That has a lot of assumptions in it, and sounds too complicated to work. Why don't we just kidnap some of those involved and then make a plan after we've secured them? Kidnapping seems like the way to go. Let's kidnap Light's sister and Takada and just see what happens, maybe try to trade them for the notebook, or maybe die a fiery death and hope it helps in some way."
Matt said, "Why don't we just bug Takada's phone and workplace and apartment? Then we'll catch X-Kira communicating with her, and then we can wait for X-Kira to do something stupid so Light will be forced to give orders through Takada, and then we'll catch Light as he gives those orders to Takada. Even if they use a code or some trick to communicate, I'm sure pigs as smart as us could catch Light."
Suddenly, there was a tremendous pounding sound on the door to the room.
Mello said, "Shit! Who could that be? This is a top-secret underground facility."
Suddenly, the door broke down and Mary Sue came into the room. The three piglets fled from her and flattened themselves against the opposite wall, but she continued to approach, and they'd need to come within the dreaded 5-meter range of her power to reach the only door, so there was no point in moving.
When Mary Sue came close, she said, "I've solved the Kira case! I've got the shinigami eyes, so I can see Light has no lifespan. He has to be Kira. And, the other one is Mikami."
Near said, "Wow! Mary Sue solved the case so fast, just like that, with no real work. Thanks, Mary Sue."
Mello said, "What about that pussy Misa?"
Matt said, "Who cares about punishing her? She'll probably kill herself in a year or so anyway."
Then Mary Sue drew even closer, her iridescent scales practically glowing every color of the rainbow as her eyes changed from red to green to purple and then to striped yellow and blue.
Mary Sue said, "Near, I love you. Will you marry me and have lots of cute kids?"
Near said, "Of course! I love you, Mary Sue."
In unison, Mello and Matt said, "But, Mary Sue, we love you too! Can we have a foursome relationship?"
Mary Sue said, "No. Mello and Matt go with each other. Everybody knows that."
Mello turned to Matt in amazement, wondering why he'd never before noticed how cute Matt was.
Mello said, "Matt, I think I'm really gay for you. Will you have hot buttsex with me right now?"
Matt said, "Oh, Mello, I'm gay for you too! Let's do it!"
Then they tore off each other's clothing in a flurry of groping and kissing and licking, and soon Mello and Matt were having unbelievably hot buttsex on the floor. Meanwhile, Mary Sue had dressed Near in a French maid's outfit.
She said, "As soon as I finish watching these two have sex, we're going into a private room, and we'll cuddle for hours. Doesn't that sound sweet?"
Near nodded happily. He'd never been so contented in his entire life. He was already thinking of names for the children they'd have. Near thought the first one should probably be named Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.
A/N (Author's Note):
Since the Big Bad Wolf in "The Three Little Pigs" destroys buildings, I decided that would be the effect of the death note instead of death, but I tried to connect it to the heart in some way, since canon Kira gives heart attacks.
I hope the redoing wasn't too stupid. I mean, this is obviously a crackfic, but I hope the substitution worked.
Mary Sue is a dragon in this fic because I tried to think of which anthropomorphic animal would be the coolest of all, and I came up with a dragon as the answer. The reason I tried to think of the coolest animal is because "Mary Sue" characters are always too cool.
There are two things that, in my mind, make a character into a Mary Sue. One is an overabundance of cool features: features of the type that are found in many beloved canon characters from all kinds of fiction, but these features are just taken too far in the Mary Sue. These can be things like a cool appearance, cool powers, a cool backstory and so on.
The other thing that makes a character a Mary Sue is the ability to warp the storyline in unrealistic ways. For example, characters like Vash from the anime "Trigun" or Alucard from the anime "Hellsing" are completely overloaded with cool characteristics, but they avoid Mary-Sue-ness because the storyline itself does not warp to accommodate them. Instead, they have problems that are proportional to their abilities, and the other characters in the story do more than just endlessly admire them.
Well, this is the first prize fic I've written. I hope it's good. When using someone else's plot description, I'm never sure if I can really make it good or not. I thought about trying to write a serious Death Note version of "The Three Little Pigs" but I quickly realized that I'd never write anything other than complete crap, unless I deliberately made it a silly crackfic.
Congrats for winning, WhiteLadyDragon!
In case anyone doesn't know, the last sentence in this fic is a reference to what is perhaps the most famous fanfic of all time, "My Immortal" (trying googling "worst fanfic ever" and you'll find plenty of info)
I had uploaded this to my adult fan fiction dot net account in the past, but I deleted it from there because that archive has extremely strict rules about parodies. I don't want my account there to get banned because of just one fanfic. I am not deleting it from anywhere else. It will stay up.