A/N: I don't know what to tell you, my plot bunnies got a hold of a bad bunch of PCP and this was the result.
Beta: My niece (who again provided the spark that became the bonfire) now known as FirstLaugh-LastTears.
WARNINGS: Gay, Crack/Parody Fic, OOCness, some not-necessarily-appropriate-for-children shit (like my language), etc. If you don't like any of that stuff then don't read this. If you flame me because you couldn't be bothered to read this part – then you are stupid and not worth my time.
Disclaimer: I own a very pretty laptop, but not much else.
** - Inside joke that you may or may not understand.
Lucius Malfoy, naked, on his bed, covered in melted dark chocolate.
Harry smiled dreamily.
"HEY! I do not do ANYTHING dreamily! Rewrite that line goddamn it!"
Erm… Harry smiled?
"I am not smiling! I am pissed off that's what I am! I hate this stupid story! I'm wandering about the place dreaming about some stupid boy like a friggin girl! And since when am I gay? What the fuck woman?"
"NO! NO! NO! Sorry doesn't cut it! I want you to rewrite this whole fucking story! Start from the beginning and work your way down to the bottom. Erase everything – and I mean EVERYTHING! And write a better story that makes actual fucking sense!"
I can't rewrite the whole story! That's, well, it's a lot of words, and…
"Don't give me excuses – give me results! Wait a minute…you're making me do this aren't you?!?!"
Well…yeah. I'm like, totally God.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I can't live like this! You're up there in your stupid puffy chair, with your double mocha coffee with vanilla creamer, and your stupid writing hat with black lace –HEY STOP MAKING ME LOSE FOCUS ON PURPOSE - directing all my actions – with no thought to how I feel about all of this crap! I mean, seriously, a crush on fucking LUCIUS MALFOY!?!? The man is old enough to be my father! He's a fucking DEATH EATER! Not to mention he's the father of the biggest git this side of the fucking Atlantic!"
Hey it could be worse.
I COULD be pairing you off with said biggest git this side of the fucking Atlantic.
"You make an interesting point."
Hell, I could be pairing you off with fucking Dudley – you'd still have no say in the matter! Don't make me put you with Dudley, Harry! At least I'm giving you a hot blonde with a fucking awesome body! Why the fuck are you complaining gay boy!?! And you're just in denial – you've always been gay.
"Okay you have a point about Dudley and everything but for the last time I am not fucking gay!"
I don't care if you're not gay – I'll MAKE you gay. (A/N: I've always wanted to use that line in a story *happy dance*) POOF!
"Aw fuck! I'm so totally gay now! You're right Malfoy's hot. Where is my dear Lucy-poo?"
That's better. Now run along and hump the pretty blonde. You'll find him in the great hall.
With that Harry skipped merrily along the corridors. As he skipped, he wandlessly (because I like it that way) changed his robes from black to bright, pretty, neon fucking sparkly blue. **
He arrived at the great hall, with a sparkly flourish. He threw open the doors imperiously (like the QUEEN he is!) and (to everyone's great shock) marched straight over to the Slytherin table (where father and son Malfoy were eating together) and kissed the blonde out of Lucius Malfoy's hair!
Lucius Malfoy (with his new white hair) stared at Harry in shock for a moment before smiling happily and throwing his arms around the gorgeous Gryffindor (because HE is smart enough NOT to complain in GOD's *also known as TALA* presence!!!).
"Shut UP you brazen hussy!"
What was that?
Lucius slowly pulled his arms away from Harry, his smile twisting into a disgusted sneer.
"Wait! Wait! I take it back! I take it back!"
Lucius threw his arms around Harry's neck and hugged the stuffing out of him. "I love you!" Because the author doesn't have enough time to deal with the relationship angst shit.
"I love you too!" Harry screamed delightedly (because I told him I would pair him with movie Nancy Drew if he lacked enthusiasm).
Suddenly Draco (because my niece insists he be in this story) jumped up and screamed, "What the fuck dad? You can't have him he belongs to me! The self-centered, two-dimensional, non-vampire!" **
"We duel for his hand!" Lucius cried, holding Harry even tighter against his chest.
"Lucius-" Harry gasped. "Can't-fucking-breathe!" Sigh…I don't know where this story is going anymore.
"Oh my goodness Harry! I'm so sorry love!" Lucius loosened his hold on Harry – giving Draco the opportunity to punch him (his father, not Harry) dead in the face!
"What the fuck Draco?" Lucius screamed at his son.
"You said we had to duel for Harry. You didn't specify when the duel would start. Or," he smirked maliciously, "what weapons we could use. MUAHAHAHA!"
With that, he threw a love potion at Harry. A very bright pink cloud surrounded Harry, obscuring him from view.
Lucius fanned his hands wildly, trying to get the putrid cloud away from his precious boy-toy. After a few minutes the smoke dissipated, leaving a somewhat confused looking Harry.
"Draco, I know that you think that was a love potion, but I don't feel any different. I still love Luc and hate you. Does it maybe just take longer to take affe- kreee!"
Everyone within hearing distance snapped their heads around to stare at Harry (it sounded a bit like bubble wrap) who was now a cute (possibly the cutest in the whole wide world yes you is!) black kangaroo with the biggest, brightest green eyes. That's right I went with the cliché and turned him into a fucking animal. Bet you weren't expecting a kangaroo though were you? (ha – ha – BLOODY – FUCKING – HA!)
Lucius rounded on Draco, murder in his eyes. "What – did – you - do?" He enunciated each word carefully (because he figured that Draco lacked the intelligence needed to understand a sentence said at regular speed).
"Erm," Draco squeaked very high-pitched. "I-I don't know! It was just supposed to be your run-of-the-mill standard love potion."
Kangaroo Harry hopped over to Lucius and rubbed his head against the man's robes. Then he went over to Draco and kicked him hard in the chest with his big kangaroo feet and powerful leg muscles – sending him flying a good ten feet before he was stopped by Neville (I wasn't going to be specific about which student stopped his flight but SOME people just aren't satisfied by what I give them *cough* Daichitenski *cough*). They biffed it hardcore. As Draco stood up, he glanced at the other boy, staring directly into Neville's shy eyes. He found himself instantly in love. Neville was nervously wondering why Draco's hand was drifting closer and closer to his crotch.
"Don't touch me there Draco, that's my naughty place."
Suddenly Merlin himself appeared (because you can't write a story about wizards without mentioning him at least once) at the staff table. "Don't worry – I can fix it!" He walked over to Kangaroo Harry and pet him gently on the nose. Harry blinked twice and looked down at himself. Human once again – thank Tala! You're welcome. "Thanks so much – Tala only knows how many fucking long chapters it would've taken to get me back to normal if you hadn't appeared!"
"You're very welcome young man. Let me give you some very good life advice: as nice as it is to put change into someone's expired parking meter – it is still a crime and they can arrest you for it. And before I go I just want to say what a marvelous job you're doing here Tala – truly wonderful." With that, and a small bow (because he's old-school polite) Merlin vanished. Don't you just love him? I almost want to bring him back.
Lucius swept Harry up into his arms and was about to carry him away to have his wicked way with him when Hermione and Ron blocked their path.
"Goddamn it woman! Stay out of this and let my boyfriend fuck me!"
NO! *Sticks tongue out at Harry.* You've done nothing but argue with me since I started this story! So I'm giving you a case of blue balls per vendetta!
"Harry what the fuck is going on? Why are you with this Slytherin asshole?" Ron shouted angrily.
"We know he shouted – we are not deaf! Stop stating the obvious! Anyway, well Ron, the answer is really very simple," Harry paused here to stroke Lucius' soft hair, "he's pretty."
Hermione glanced from Ron to Harry nervously. "Harry as much as I would like to support you, I have a major hard on for Ron. So, until I get to sleep with him, I'm afraid I can no longer be your friend."
"That's fine – I don't need you two anyway! Not when I have Lucy-poo! Now come on Lucy – let's go have wild monkey sex!"
"You got it sweet cheeks!"
They rushed out of the great hall, trying to make it to the nearest bedroom before I could think up another reason to stop them. They didn't find one because I'm an evil bitch.
"WHAT THE FUCK!?! You can't end it before I've had the chance to have sex!" Harry screamed.
"Yeah." Lucius agreed firmly.
"Oh come on, don't start that shit again!"
I can too! And I have to! Otherwise no one will know who is saying what and this story will just turn into one large mass of confusion that no one will want to read!
"It already is a mass of confusion that no one will EVER want to read!"
That's does it! Just for that, the next story I write is going to be you in a three way relationship with Dudley and Marcus Flint!
*Harry whimpers pathetically.*
A/N: *Gives all of my readers cookies and watches while they eat them.* HA! These have a special charm on them – if you don't review – you turn into a toad! An ugly orange toad with puke-green spots! There is no cure!
Anyway, thank you for making it all the way to the end of the story. You rock!