She fixed him with a long, emotionless stare that made him wonder what he could have done to make her so blank. Mickey had long since gone to bed, and he had thought that Rose had followed his example.
Apparently he was wrong.
"What's wrong?" He asked finally, "You look…blank."
"What was so special about her?" Rose finally asked. The Doctor shrugged.
"I already said I don't know," he responded, "No idea why the clock-."
"I don't want to know why she was special to them," she cut him off, "I want to know what was so special about her that it made you sever the connection between the ship and 18th century France. What was so special about her that made you go back for her. What made her so special?"
The Doctor didn't have an answer for that. Well, he did, he just didn't want to admit it out loud. She noticed.
"Tell me, because if you just go around picking your companions based on their looks then I want no part in it!" she snapped, and by now she had tears of anger blossoming in her eyes and her hands were fisted at her side. She had never wanted to punch him more then she did at this very second.
"Looks have nothing to do with it!" The Doctor said in surprise, "I do it based on you, you're character, how you react under pressure, and she-."
"Waited for you," Rose bit out, "She didn't try and fight back. She just continued talking, stalling for time. She didn't save you. You saved her. There were plenty of people like that before her, but you never went back to them. What made her so different? What was so special about her that it made you-." She cut herself off and the Doctor raised an eyebrow.
"Made me what?" he asked. She shook her head.
"That isn't the point. Why did you go back to her? You know that it was a bad idea! She was a historical figure, as you say, a fixed point in time or whatever. She's bloody famous!"
"She was a quick thinker," the Doctor began, but Rose just gave him a harsh laugh.
"Oh, yeah, that's it. She was infatuated with you! 'Oh, my Doctor' and 'My lonely angel'. She just gave your ego a quick boost!" Rose turned her back to him, tempted to turn away and leave him alone, but then another thought hit her like a ten ton brick, a thought that she had been trying to keep away. She kept her back to him, not wanting him to see the tears that were pouring down her face.
"What was so brilliant about her that it made you leave me?" she whispered, "You left Mickey and me here…you know we don't know how to fly the TARDIS!"
"I knew it would work out in the end," the Doctor said, "You know, take the slow path-."
"And in the meantime, shag Madame de Pompadour!" Rose bit out, but she snapped her mouth closed as soon as it got out. She hadn't meant to say that, but now that she had, "You didn't think twice about me, about how this would make me feel!"
"I-," The Doctor tried to step in, but Rose continued, turning around to face him, taking steps towards him as she spoke till she was directly in front of him, jabbing him in the chest.
"You promised my mother that you would keep me safe!" Rose yelled, "You promised her, dammit! How is leaving me in the year 3000 on a bloody space ship safe? Sure, we might be alive, but how would she know that?"
"This isn't about your mother, and you know it," The Doctor said calmly, his eyes blazing. Rose snorted.
"Yeah, part of it is!" she responded, "But the other part is about you! What happened to you?" Her voice sounded so broken at the end that he was tempted to hold her in his arms and comfort her, but he knew that would only anger her more. Rose took a step back and he flinched when he saw the pain in her eyes, the longing.
"The old you wouldn't of left me," she whispered, "The old you would have said 'Screw Madame de Pompadour, I'm going to save Rose'. What happened to that? And I get that the whole world doesn't revolve around me. I get that more then you may know, especially now," she gave a dry, humorless laugh, "just as I was getting used to the new you, you do something that makes me wish I stayed behind when I had the chance."
She moved to turn around but the Doctor grabbed on to her wrist, keeping her there. She froze, her muscles tensing in anger but otherwise she waited for him to speak.
"You don't mean that," he said softly, almost begging her to take it back. Her stance didn't change.
"Yes, I do," she bit, but her voice was shaky and coarse, and her shoulders were shaking as she sobbed.
"If you hadn't come back I would have died," he continued, "Do you really mean that?"
"If I hadn't come back I wouldn't have to go through this pain," she whispered brokenly. She turned to face him and he felt both of his hearts constrict in a mixture of self-loathing and sorrow, "If I hadn't come back I would be living a normal life with normal worries. Now, I keep worrying that you're going to run off just because you see a prettier face, a thinner girl, a proper girl. Of course, I was just a shop girl, nothing too special there."
"You are the most spectacular girl I have ever known," the Doctor cut her off with fire in his eyes, "I chose you because of that. I don't know why I went back for her, okay? I just-."
"That isn't an answer," Rose countered, almost pleading, "Tell me the truth. What was going through your head when you decided to chase after her? Why…why her?" The Doctor was silent for several excruciating heart beats, and Rose felt her heart break in half over and over again. He wasn't going to answer. Her shoulders slumped in defeat, "Take me home."
"You don't mean that," he said quickly, "You said so yourself, you love traveling with me. You wouldn't be able to go back to that, without all this danger and excitement."
"I'd manage," she whispered, "because honestly? It's not the traveling that I love. And I can give that up if it means not going through this pain every time you toss me aside for another, prettier girl."
There was silence as the Doctor stared at Rose in disbelief. He'd heard what she said, heard the inflection in her voice, and knew what she meant by it. He just didn't want to know, because in the end…
In the end she'll leave you if you don't tell her the truth.
The thought flew across his mind in an instant, and he knew that it was true. He didn't want to believe it, but he knew that if he didn't start explaining that she would pull her wrist from his hand (because honestly, he didn't have that firm of a grip on it) and walk down the corridor to her room. Or maybe to Mickey's room, and she would go for him for comfort. That thought alone pulled him from his thoughts, because he knew what she was feeling now. She was feeling what he felt whenever he saw her laughing with Mickey Smith.
"I was trying to get away," the Doctor said truthfully. Rose raised her eyebrows and tilted her head slightly in confusion, "Not from you, necessarily, but I was trying to get away from my feelings."
"Why?" she whispered again, her gorgeous brown eyes pleading with him to tell her the truth.
"Because I'm not supposed to feel this way about a companion," he continued, "We're just supposed to be friends, but it's starting to get out of control. I was trying to get away before that could happen. Because-,"
"Because humans wither and die," Rose whispered softly, offering him a sad smile, "and you regenerate." The Doctor felt his heart melt.
"I meant what I said," he whispered, "about never leaving you behind. I'm just sorry that it had to be tested out." Rose sniffed slightly.
"You could have taken me with you," she whispered jadedly, though at this point there was no real anger inside of her. She was just wanted answers, "I'm sure Arthur could have held the both of us."
"Screw mum!" Rose said with a small smile, "I already told you that I would travel with you forever. I'm never leaving you, even if we end up having to do domestic. I'll never leave you, even when I'm a withered prune." The Doctor stared at her for a long while, but Rose couldn't stop the small smile that took residence on her face. He loved her. She know he didn't say it out loud, but she knew what he meant.
The Doctor hadn't expected forever from her, never had expected forever from anyone. But right now he really wished that it would come true, that it could come true. He didn't know if he could take loosing her.
"I came back," he said softly, "and right now that's what matters."
"Why did you want to take her on?" she whispered, "Why her? You never answered." The Doctor sighed and gently tugged her closer to him.
"Because I thought if she was here, that I would stop myself from getting so involved with you," he stared into her eyes and fought back a smile as he heard her heartbeat increase. He raised his hands to her cheeks and brushed away some of the lingering tears with his thumbs, "but I wasn't thinking. I know I could never find anyone as amazing as you. You fixed me. My ninth regeneration was born from anger and war. Then I came along, and you can tell that I'm better. I'm not as bitter. I'm happier. And that's because of you, Rose Tyler."
He didn't give her a chance to respond and instead pressed his lips to hers in a soft, gentle kiss. She stiffened in surprise before melting into him, twisting her fingers into his hair and pressing as close as she could to him. Their lips moved together slowly, passionately, sending sparks of pleasure down their spines. Rose was completely amazed. She had kissed her fare share of guys, but this beat every single one. It held so much more emotion then any of them, so much more passion.
So much more love.
Again, written to try and work on my writers block. I just want to write something tragic and very emotional; too bad my other long stories are all light. Funny thing is, is that I wrote them because I wanted to write something light and easy to read. Huh. What a swap. Please review and tell me what you think!