Disclaimer: You know the drill by now. M for mature (though I use that term loosely). I like to use swear words. I like to talk about boobs and cock, both of which are allegedly in this chapter. Nothing from the blueprint belongs to me, so no copyright infringement is intended. I just like making them get a little freaky now and again.

Chapter 18 Collide


"Wait...hold up a second, Hale. What's fucked up and why in the hell is it my fault?"

I heard Edward whisper "What's wrong with her?" and apparently Rose did too because she wasted no time in turning her frustration toward him.

"You tell Spingod that his dimple-faced, frustratingly-smooth and full of bullshit charm brother is what the fuck is wrong with me! And it's all because of you Bella Marie!" I had never heard her so out of sorts before and couldn't imagine what in the name of Cullen DNA Emmett had done now.

Covering my cell with my hand, I turned to Edward and very lowly told him that it had something to do with Emmett. Promising to fill him in as soon as I had all the details, I turned my attention back to my very distraught-drama-queen-of-a-friend.

"Take a deep breath for me, Hale, and then kindly tell me what is up your ass." My tone may have been a tad bit clipped as I was not in the mood for guessing games. I had my own personal revelations I was trying to deal with dammit.

"Dick. Cock. Penis. You know, that shit that I've been doing awesome without for a long fucking time? Well the one attached to Emmett Cullen has gone and fucked the smart right out of me."

"Come again?" I asked, still not totally sure what she was saying.

"Oh, I did, Swan... again and again and again and that is precisely what the mother-fucking-fuck is wrong here!"

"Whoa, wait a minute. Are you telling me that you and Emmett like, hooked up and shit?"

Edward spewed out a "no fucking way!", which I had to shush immediately, even though I echoed that exact sentiment. There was a story here, I could tell.

"Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Tell her what she's won, Johnny!" Rose spat, all sneery and full of sarcasm. I was getting a little irritated with her bullshit. The only thing that kept me from hanging up on her crazy ass was the fact that I knew Edward wanted to find out what had happened as badly as I did.

"Look, wench, you need to talk to me like I'm four and break it down for me, alright? Start at the beginning."

Little did I know I'd just asked to her take Pandora's Box and blow that bitch wide open. I listened intently, with my jaw on the fucking floor mind you, as Rose recounted the night that she left the bar with Emmett and that Tanya girl. Apparently their little tryst began as some crazy threesome that somehow ended up being about her and Em. Now she couldn't get him out of her head and had gone "pecker stupid" as she called it.

Once I'd processed what she'd told me, I couldn't help but giggle at her behavior. She hated to be the one all mesmerized and dumbstruck. Of course I knew that Emmett was into Rose; he was just smart enough to play it that he really wasn't. Conversely, she was used to being the enchanter, not the enchantee and this was decidedly unfamiliar territory for her. I understood why she was so frustrated, but it was still damn funny. At least it was on the surface anyway.

When push came to shove, Rose was in a position of vulnerability; she was nervous, apprehensive and didn't exactly know how to deal with that. Not many people got to Rose, but when someone did, it was a big deal. There was risk involved and it freaked her out. I, of all people, understood that.

So I did what any good friend would do; I provided a needed ear and an opinion if it was solicited. Putting the conversation that I needed to have with Edward on the back burner, I talked to her for the entire drive home, only hanging up when we got back to Charlie's. At least by the end of the phone call, Rose had calmed down. She just needed a little reassurance that Emmett's dick was not the source of all evil. I about lost my shit when she called it magical.

Speaking of spellbinding Cullen brother junk...

I knew that Edward would not let our discussion prior to Rose's phone call die off. I had no intention of letting that happen either. No more stonewalling and misdirection. It was time to start calling spades spades and not fucking clubs.

The house was dark, except for the porch light, and Charlie's cruiser was not in the driveway. Not that it was strange or anything, just facts that were conducive to baring one's soul... and maybe other stuff. I crossed all my fingers and toes that the fates had accepted my plea for a truce and I could do this without another untimely interruption. Apparently, that was the case, since according to the note on the kitchen table, my dad would be playing all-night poker with his crew.

Edward grabbed a beer from the fridge and I poured myself a glass of wine. I recounted my conversation with Rose in more detail so things would make more sense. Initially, his reaction was as stupified as mine had been. But the more he thought about it, the less ridiculous it sounded. He agreed that as crazy of a matchup as they seemed, that she and Emmett sort of made sense in a very oxymoronical sort of way.

We toasted to yet another couple we'd potentially brought together, even if it was unintentional. Since we were on the subject of couples and possibilities, I decided that the time was as good as any to lay it all out. We were alone, I'd had a little wine... so I gave myself a mental "let's do this thing" and suggested we move to the living room.

Taking Edward's hand, I led him to couch and sat down. I didn't let go of it either, opting to hold it between mine, or as best I could with a splint on anyway. I needed something to hold onto while I told him how I felt, what I wanted, and what I hoped for and hoped he wanted too. The minute I looked into his eyes, so full of anticipation, I thought my heart might beat right out of my chest.

"So..." Edward began. I knew that he was prompting me, all the while trying to remain nonchalant.

"So, I uh... wanted to get back to the topic of discussion before Rosalie called."

"The discussion being the kiss that you laid on me back at Mikey's."

"Exactly. You said that you even almost bought into it."

"I did. It was really convincing. Remind me never to play poker with you." His words might have been in jest, but the look on his face was anything but. I sure as hell wasn't running any games either.

"What if I wasn't bluffing, though?"

"I'm not sure I follow."

Well, allow me to draw you a map then, dear boy.

I inhaled air like a fat kid at a Krispy Kreme: like life depended on it. I knew once the words toppled out of my mouth, oxygen would be a complete afterthought. It would be a party foul of dire proportions to pass the fuck out mid-confession. So I just let it rip.

"What if at some point I didn't want the charade anymore? What if I wanted it to be true?" I paused for a second, just to see if he had anything to say. When Edward didn't interject, I kept on going. "What if I told you that kiss felt as honest and true as before? What would you say?"

He looked at me like one of those optical illusion pictures, the ones that if you stare at them for a while you see something altogether different. I waited for his words, unsure as to whether they'd be of the "hell yes" or the "fuck off" variety. And thank fucking god that he smiled about a millisecond before full blown panic set in.

"I'd say do it again."

That was all I needed to hear. I angled in closer to him, my breath becoming shallow and my chest tightening in anticipation. I couldn't help but smile against his lips as he cradled my head in his hands. My eyes closed and then...


Edward's mouth was softer than the plushest of velvet and sweeter than honey straight from the comb. I took my time enjoying him, the way he felt and everything about the moment. It was almost as if we'd never missed a step, the familiarity of our touches like rote memorization.

Only I needed more of him; more of everything. The drought of physical intimacy had my entire being screaming. Now that there was some semblance of satisfaction, I wanted to drown in it.

Refusing to break the kiss, because dear lord my lips might've withered and died to stop, I maneuvered myself to straddle his lap. I needed every last bit of my body plastered against his, in all the necessary places that had been neglected for far too long. My hips rocked and ground against his in a long-awaited welcome; his greeted mine with fervor and force.

He squeezed my sides, pressing as hard as he could without breaking me. I pulled him as tight, with all the force my arms could muster. I could feel every glorious inch of him beneath me and it still wasn't enough; it was nowhere near the neighborhood of sufficient. I wanted skin-to-skin in some manner, in any measure. At least for the time being.

It was clear that he needed to be shown what the next move was, not for lack of knowledge, but for what was permissible. I knew Edward like the back of my hand - the gentleman in him would not take liberties just yet. With my good hand, I pried his from my hip and guided it up my torso where I rested it on my breast.

He tensed initially, but the contraction of my palm atop his eased any misgivings he had. I urged him to keep going, and whatever doubt might have held him back was quickly dissuaded with my humming sigh of approval.

Moving his mouth from mine to my neck, Edward expelled a throaty sound somewhere between a grunt and a moan. It was like a fucking opus to my ears and I wanted every last chorus up to and including the encore performance. I didn't realize how much I'd missed the music of his noises until I heard them again. How did ever I function with the silence?

Barely, I thought to myself. Only just.

He sucked and licked at my neck and in natural response, my head lolled back of its own accord. God, I loved the way he kissed me in that one spot that drove me insane crazy. My skin positively tingled, every pore stood at attention and begged for more.

Edward had both hands on me now, and fuck that noise of a shirt I was wearing; that thing needed to get ghost. The look of surprise on his face at me pulling back away from his caresses was only surpassed by the outright shock of me making my top disappear. It's almost like he thought it was a mirage or something. I quickly showed him it was most definitely not by giving him an eye full of the girls.

Putting my lips by his ear, I whispered, "Put your hands on me, Edward."

He didn't need any further coaxing after that. Reaching around my back, he unclasped my bra, with only one hand, mind you, which was damn impressive. It was quickly tossed away along with every ounce of care I had for whether or not we'd be interrupted.

I sat there astride Edward's rock hard dick, which as luck would have it, was pressing right into my ladyness. Only that particular part of my body wasn't behaving like a lady as it was humping him like a wanton whore in full throttle heat.

Who could blame me given that Edward had his mouth on one breast, his hand on the other, sucking and licking, pinching and kneading. His humming against my skin sent chills in rippling waves all over my body. I'd forgotten how incredible his hands and mouth were; how good they made me feel. He knew just how to touch me in ways that made me mental; ways that no one else really had. How had I ever been okay with depriving myself of this?

"Motherfuck, I've missed your tits, Bella." He said, temporarily detaching his mouth from one nipple, presumably so he could catch a breath and switch to the other one.

"God, they've missed you." At least, that's what I thought I said. I was panting like a parched dog in triple digit temperatures; it was quite possible it came out garbled and not even remotely close to English. Yet somewhere between chest heaves, the thought occurred to me that I shouldn't be the only topless person in the room. How was that fair? I remedied the disparaging predicament by helping Edward out of his cumbersome shirt and flinging it somewhere beyond the confines of the couch.

Now that things were on a more level playing field garment-wise, Edward resumed his activities devouring my tits. His hands and mouth were everywhere and all at once and it felt like I was about to lose my ever-loving mind. The number of my "mmmhmmms" and "ahhhhhs" seemed directly proportionate the number of hands Edward seemed to sprout.

But my boobs weren't the only thing that were lacking in dexterital attention. There were other parts of my body, well really just the one place, that damn near ached for a reintroduction to those pleasure wielding hands. It suddenly struck me that we were in the very position as the night we officially met. And while we weren't within the confines of the gym's sauna, we were very definitely in a place where there was a risk of getting caught.

Fuck, was that hot.

Whether it was the fact that I craved the intimacy or the illicitness of it, I wasn't sure. All I knew is that if I didn't come, I might just fucking go postal all over Forks. It wasn't like firearms weren't at my disposal.

"Ed-Edward...fuck, I need you to touch me." I breathed into the crook of his neck, and then promptly bit him just because he smelled so fucking yummy.

"Sssss", he hissed, obviously surprised by my nibble, "I am touching you, Bella."

Oh sweet Jesus. Do I need to make a sign?

"No, Edward. I mean here." I then in fact led him by the hand to the desired destination. I unfastened my button and undid my zipper (not bad with just my good hand), then promptly shoved said hand of glory right down the front of my pants.

"Holy fuck, Bella. Are you sure ab-" He snapped his head up, eyes wild with uncertainty, but so full of lust.

I pressed his fingers against me, grinding into both our palms with complete and utter abandon.

This was going down if I had to drag him every step of the way.

"Will you just shut up and finger me already?"

My question, although categorically rhetorical, must have thrown him for a second. There was a moment of hesitation, like maybe he was being tested or something. Then he sort of grinned, like he was about to throw down the ace on a pile of poker chips. "As you wish."

The boy just quoted cinema gold. I will legit come in record time. The clock starts now.

Maneuvering around my panties, I felt him slide his fingers inside me. I gasped. He groaned. I could only surmise that the very rumbly "fuck" he grunted out was in response to how wet I must have been. Not that I was leaking or anything; I mean shit, I wasn't a Ford. But I would imagine there was a respectable amount of lubrication given how worked up I was.

He started slow at first, sliding them in and out with cautious delicacy, almost as if he feared I might tell him to stop. As-fucking-if. There was no way in this jurisdiction, or any other for that matter I would halt the splendor of this moment.

I could feel the familiar tingle of my insides become stronger; with every undulating movement of his fingers, with each circular pass of his thumb over the concentration of all sensitivity, the rush and thrum within me threatened to explode. My cotton-covered hand was still over his, and I took it upon myself to show him what I starved for.

Increasing his speed and force with my manipulation, I rocked against the sensation, more than flirting with letting everything go. The sweet oblivion of sheer bliss was but a mere free fall away. All I had to do was tip forward.

I choked out a ragged "fuck yes", only to be followed by some sort of growl that couldn't have possibly been me. And then I finally let myself succumb to that blessed, numbed-out feeling that I'd been estranged from for far too long. Clutching Edward, gripping him for dear life, my entire body shuddered as I plunged deeper into that sweet abyss of pleasure. I had every intention of taking my sweet time getting back to the surface.

"That was... amazing." My voice was shaky, my breath steadily coming back to me in rhythmic pulls and exhales.

Edward had removed our hands from the confines of my pants, sad as it was, but that didn't deter me from writhing against him without a bit of remorse. It felt too fucking good. Even with the thin sheen of perspiration our torsos were covered in.

"You're amazing, Ms. Swan."

"But I got you all sweaty." I teased because there wasn't one part of me that was sorry.

"Best. Workout. Ever." He said, each word of his response punctuated with a kiss to my neck and collarbone. Except the last one; that last one was followed by an exclamation mark-tongue-swirl to my nipple that legit made me shiver. "Mmmm. Salty."

I giggle-whimpered at the sensation, due to the fact that it was equal parts tickley and stimulating. We sat there virtually glued together for who knew how long, Edward's rock-hard cock still pressed firmly into me. It occurred to me that this little stroll down finger-bangs-in-the-sauna lane was nowhere near complete. I wasn't the only one who got a happy ending back then; nor should I be now.

"I can't thank you enough for that, but I think things are a little unfair here, don't you?" I eased back off his lap to kneel down between his parted legs. Placing soft kisses along his glorious pecs, down the mid-line of his chiseled abs, I used my good hand, with the aid of my teeth, to unfasten the constraints of his jeans. I was getting to the goods come hell or high water.

I guess I sort of expected some sort of half-assed chivalrous attempt to stop me on his part. Admittedly, I was less than surprised to feel him tip my chin up to face him.

"Bella... I don't know... I mean your dad..." Edward trailed off. I said not a word; merely sat there looking at him, the 'are you fucking kidding me' expression etched all over my face. Clearly feeling the need to amble further, he added, "You don't have to, you know."

Forget a shitty sign; I'm gonna have to write it on a damn billboard. Better yet, I'll take a cue from Pacey and buy a fucking wall.

"Will you please shut up and let me suck you already? Damn, Gina." He started to say something, and before he could even articulate a syllable, I stopped him cold. "And yes, I sure as hell wish."

With his help, I eased his pants and briefs down just enough to free his cock that I was sure had its own sign that said "mouth goes here". Instinctively, I moved to grab it with my right hand, which unfortunately was in a splint. I wasn't ambidextrous when it came to penmanship, but I was sincerely hoping that didn't apply to giving head. Sure a lot of the work was done with the mouth, but there was some necessary handiwork required.

Gripping him in my non-dominant hand, I lowered my head down and swirled my tongue around the tip. I licked and flicked around the head, pondering briefly how many licks it actually took to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. He tasted as good on my palette as his moan sounded to my ears.

I teased him, but when neither one of us could stand it anymore, I took as much of his shaft in my mouth as possible. Fuck, he was just as big as I remembered, and thankfully memory served me well when it came to me relaxing my throat muscles. That's all I needed was for him to think I was choking on his cock...

While my head bobbed up and down, my left hand didn't particularly get the whole correlative movement thing it was supposed to. Instead of the synchopative motion the two were supposed to have, I kept smacking my mouth with my fist. Now I couldn't speak for Edward, but I was getting really fucking frustrated at the lousy blow-job I was giving, especially after the fanfuckingtastic fingering I'd just had.

There had to be a better way to do this; some way to improve the situation. I sat back on my heels and thought for a minute. That's when the idea hit me. I immediately shushed Edward, silencing him with my upheld splinted-hand. Reluctantly he followed my instruction as I pulled his hips closer toward me, pulling his clothes down further while they were lifted.

Momentarily possessed by Jenna Jameson, it dawned on me that I was still topless. Perhaps the girls could be of some greater use here. I'd never done anything like the thought I was entertaining, but I was willing to give it a try. It wasn't like he'd tell me to quit.

I bent my head downward once more, this time strictly for lubrication purposes. I gripped the swells of his backside, enveloping as much of his length as I could. Edward muttered something that sounded like "holy shit", but the intermittent rumbles made it hard to decipher.

Once I had his cock good and wet from my saliva, I removed it and shoved it right in the middle of my boobs. I was hoping his very erect dick would enjoy a change of scenery. Perhaps a departure from the cavernous darkness to the lighted twin peaks was in order.

"Before you ask, I'm a little impaired with an injured hand here, and I want you to enjoy the shit outta this, Spingod." Whether he was confused or just plain stunned I didn't know, so I thought I'd be clearer. "You said you missed my tits, Edward. I think you should show them just how much by giving them a good fucking."

That statement crumbled the last vestiges of hesitancy he had. Edward's eyes were filled with pure lust and heat as he digested my words. I sandwiched my ta-tas around his kielbasa with sufficient pressure to create substantial friction. Luckily, I'd coated his peen with enough saliva and that combined with the thin sheen of sweat on my chest would allow for easy movement.

"Holy fuck...I-I...damn that's fucking hot, Sweetness."

Edward began to thrust, slowly at first enjoying the new sensation. His eyes were glued to the way his cock slid in and out of the valley of my breasts. He was feasting on the motion, the gliding roll and pulse was incredibly erotic and for sure like nothing I'd ever seen. Or done for that matter.

I could tell by the expression on his face, he wanted to make this last, but the cloudy, hungry look told a very different story. Shutting his eyes tight, it was almost as if not seeing what he was doing to me would somehow stave off the inevitable. It was a futile effort on his part; he couldn't keep them closed for more than a few seconds before the desire to see was just too much to resist.

Succumbing to what had to be his building release, he panted shaky exhales, his breath picking up in time with the surge of his hips. But unfortunately, the slide was starting to lose its slip. I could feel my perspiration dissipate and thought what a fucking time for my glisten to fail.

Apparently, my own respirations had sped up enough to cause an onset of cotton mouth. Of all the moments for my body to dehydrate... this had to be the damn one. The Universe was obviously not going to cut me a damn break, but I wasn't giving up. I was going to make the boy come if I had to stand on my head to make it happen.

"I'm starting to stick to you. Maybe you should put me back in your mouth, baby."

"Yeah, not gonna work," I said, running my tongue wildly over my lips in an effort to dampen my mouth. I glanced over to the coffee table where our drinks had been discarded earlier. My wine was pretty much gone, but there was enough of Edward's beer that I could make do.

"I got this." I told him, confident as shit this was going to work.

Beer was not my favorite, but sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I took a swig, and while it helped a little, it didn't totally fix the situation. So I ad-libbed a bit by pouring a thin stream of beer down my chest, and subsequently onto Edward's length. Beer-lube...who woulda thought?

The gossamer trail of liquid sluiced downward, providing adequate dampness so that I could finish him off. It might have been an off-the-wall idea, but it actually made the whole thing more titillating, and yes pun damn well intended.

Edward didn't miss a beat either. He started slow, and save for the few gradual prods, he resumed a faster, more hurried pace. I could tell he was getting closer by the way his brow furrowed and his jaw slackened. And as per usual, I could see him over think the moment and jump three steps ahead to the ramifications of the cleanup afterward. Normally I was the one getting in my own way, but I would be damned if I was going to let him pull a 'me'.

"I know exactly what you're thinking, Mr. Cullen." He pulsed forward and I dipped my head down and flicked my tongue over his slit. "Don't. Just jack off in my mouth."


"Fuck. Yes." My voice was suddenly possessed with a purring tone, much like myself obviously still infused with the ghost of Porn Goddess Jenna. I liked it. A real fucking lot.

Edward extricated himself from my cleavage and gripped his dick. He began to pump it erratically, ferocious and fast. I'd never been one for much dirty talk, but at that moment my mind was filled with unabashed and shameless whore thoughts just dying to be my inner Ms. Jameson, I let them fly without a second thought.

"Do you have any idea how hot it is watching you stroke your cock, all up in my face like this?"

Tongue swipe over the tip.

"Fuck, I love how hard you are. Look at you work it like such a good boy."

Lip-wrap around the head and suck.

"Damn, I wanna taste you in my mouth so fucking bad, Edward."

"Oh yeahhhh... oh shiiiiit." The pace of his strokes sped up, so fast that his fist almost looked like a blur. Edward's face contorted, twisting in a grimace that was one of the steamiest, dead-sexy things my two eyes had ever seen.

"Come on, baby. Give me all of it. I wanna suck it all down." I threw in a few moans and fuck yeses for good measure.

His grunts gave way to growls, the guttural sound a clear indication that he was just about to give me what I was straight up pleading for. At the very last second, I closed my mouth over the tip and sucked. Hard.

And then he let me have it, and have it good. There were hisses, moans and too many "ahhhs" to count. My skin rippled with bumps hearing him say my name amid the low, raspy sounds.

I took every last bit of him into myself, and even though the salty piquancy of cum was not particularly pleasant, I imbibed it as if it were the most delectable thing I'd ever tasted. I hummed, feeling it trickle down my throat. Somehow, the blissful expression on his post-orgasmic face made it sweeter.

"I don't even have the words. That was fucking -"


But XXX Bella wasn't done, not even close. I slid my left hand down the front of my still open pants. Easing two fingers inside, I swathed them in the lingering wetness. Straddling Edward again, he watched me with wide-eyed and rapt attention as I ran them over my lips and tongue.

I could taste the remnants of him, commingling with my own flavor. It was divine and far be it from me not to share. So I did, giving him a taste of us.

"So much better than beer."

"And so much better for the waistline." He said, unable to contain his adorably sated grin. Not that I'd have wanted him to; it was pretty much like getting a gold star. Shifting beneath me, Edward began to gently rub my back with his fingertips. "As much as I'd like to stay just like this for fucking ever, I think we better make ourselves presentable. You know, in case the Chief comes home. I like my anatomy attached to my body."

With a playful grab to said anatomy, I told him I did too. I had every intention of revisiting that very subject again and again and again...

I scooted off his lap and Edward stood up to head to the bathroom and straighten himself up. We each gathered our strewn casualties of clothing and began the sad state of redress. He'd made it about halfway up the stairs when his phone rang.

"Would you mind answering that for me, Bella?" He called over his shoulder, "I bet that's Emmett, and I really don't need to hear him brag about his threesome or what a studfuck he is."

"Why, you jealous?"

"Not in the slightest."

Edward disappeared from the landing and I grabbed his phone from the coffee table to do as he'd asked. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, and I have no idea why in retrospect I didn't check the caller ID. I simply took his word that it would be Em and answered the phone accordingly.

"Your brother isn't interested in hearing about your conquests, dude."

There was a pause on the other end, but when a voice finally filled it, it wasn't the elder Cullen brother. The voice was female, and sure as shit not one that I recognized.

"Uh, I'm sorry. Maybe I have the wrong number. Is this Edward Cullen's phone?"

"It is." My voice went cold and sharp. "This is Bella. Can I help you?"

There was somewhat of an exasperated chuckle on the other end of the line. She obviously had no clue who I was, and I quickly checked the phone to see if it was just some random bitch from hook-ups passed that I needed to tell to get the fuck out. When I saw the name, I stopped cold. My heart fell into my stomach and I thought I might actually vomit all over Charlie's couch.

Our conversation was short and most definitely not sweet by any means, merely tolerated. I told her I would pass her message along to Edward, although I'd have rather been forced to wade through a pool of venomous snakes.

I just sat there, stunned, staring at the phone. Fuck technology to fucking hell. Why did I have to answer? Why did she have to fucking call? And why the fuck now of all times?

"On a scale of one to nails-on-a-chalkboard, how annoying was my brother?"

"It wasn't him." I deadpanned, forcing myself to look at Edward.

"What's wrong? Who was it?" The look on his face was serious and filled with concern. I could only imagine the grimace and pout on my own.

"Bree Tanner. She called to tell you that she'll be in Seattle starting next Monday on business for a couple of weeks." I paused briefly so that I could choke out the rest of the message. "She said you guys had a lot of catching up to do."

I had no idea what might come of their reunion, but the sickening feeling that churned in my gut told me that it couldn't be anything good. At least not for me anyway.

A/N: Dun dun dunnnn...heehee.

Pretty please with sugar on top and swirly-whirly gumdrops, don't hate me? I love you guys in ridiculous amounts, cross my heart. All will be well muffins.

Oodles of thanks to my amazeballs pre-readers RoseArcadia, lola-pops, trinab74, Jenny0719 and lisamichelle17. I would literally be in a corner, chewing my hair and singing random showtunes if not for this crew. True story.

I'll skip any sort of compliment that contains the word "balls" in reference to the Beta Dude, Stratan. You know, for obvious reasons. There's a fair amount of awesome to the boy, but trust me, he knows it. That doesn't mean I'm any less grateful that he deals with me and...yeah. That says it all.

And you guys...there aren't enough wonderful things for me to say about all of you. I want to braid your hair, I want to feed you bon bons, I want to serenade you with cheesy Michael Bolton songs. Okay, maybe not the last part, but you get the idea...I kinda dig you.

Should the mood strike you, hit me up on Twitter. I'm a foul Betty, but for the most part pretty harmless. http:/twitter(dot)com/stephk0525

Alrighty then, it's destination pantry. I've got Pinwheels, Fruit Loops and peanut butter-filled pretzels. There's also a bottle of Seagrams that we could really have some fun with on the top shelf. Cop a squat and let's get silly.

I hope everyone's 2012 is 100% kickass. Until next time my friends.