Disclaimer: If I owned Sailor Moon, I'd hoard it all to myself. So be grateful.
Summary: Poor Serena has a few little problems that are preventing her and Darien from properly and romantically, er, 'getting it on'...
A Serious Case of the Snickers
Serena could hardly believe it.
A thousand years- a thousand years!- she'd been biding her time; waiting, wanting, lusting...
So maybe it was more like two years, six months, and ten days- after all, she could hardly account for the years in limbo between the Silver Millennium and her Earth meeting with (swoon) Darien Chiba...
But, really... who's counting anyway?
[Author smacks Serena's mouth closed as the blonde attempts to shoot off a volley of minutes, seconds, milliseconds...]
The fact of the matter was, *it* was happening. You know, the dirty deed? The forbidden fruit? Hanky panky? [ Author: C'mon, you catch my drift, right? Need I embarrass myself more? Save the scarred little children! ...We'll settle on "Getting it on with a majorly hot, drool-inducing, FRIGGING ROSE-WIELDING Darien, who liked to moonlight as an equally sexy superhero".] And Serena was in heaven. Seriously, cherub, harps and everything!
Benefactor of this one-way ride to bliss, you ask?
Oh ho ho. Enter Darien Chiba, college student with good looks abound; paradigm of perfection among all who sport testicles... Currently, our little paladin is exploring Serena's body, hands tracing burning patterns as they yank away the blonde's school skirt and she his (hackHACKgodawfulHACKCHOKE) pea green jacket and other remaining articles of clothing.
[Author: We'll... um... wait a moment.]
Serena slid to the floor and started fumbling with Darien's belt, breath hitching in anticipation. Darien's midnight orbs were like raging coals in his desire. He watched as Serena's petite fingers danced over the restraint to his throbbing member's freedom-
Watching, still, as she trembled in her eagerness, and perhaps nervousness...
A full minute passed-
[Author: STILL WAITING HERE, YOU KNOW!!]
And Darien decided maybe he should stop watching his girlfriend with lusty eyes and take the damn belt off for her.
[Author, sweatdropping: THANK YOU! Yeesh, someone's gotta do the work around here!]
That done, Darien's slacks dropped to the floor, revealing an enormous and bulging pair of...
Serena caught a sudden bout of the evil snickers, and she didn't know what was worse: the onslaught of snorting, sweating, and choking that followed, or poor Darien's red face as he glared at her reaction. [Author also face-faults and collapses into giggles. Couldn't resist the temptation!] The world may never know.
"Don't laugh!" Darien practically howled, countenance still aflame. "I was in a- a rush and threw on this old pair of underwear! I wasn't exactly expecting to make out this afternoon, you know!"
YOUCH. Serena swallowed her mirth like she'd been kicked in the gut. She could already feel the tears welling in her eyes...
Darien sobered up immediately, relaxing his defensive posture. He knelt down next to the weeping teen and started caressing her cheek. "Hey... Hey... Serena, sweetie, you're taking that the wrong way! Honey, I only meant I wasn't expecting to, not that I didn't want to!" The ebony-haired man started smooching up her arm. "Serena, I love you so much... don't be sad..."
[Author sobs theatrically into tissue: That's s-s-s-sooo sweeeet!]
Darien had reached Serena's face and started kissing away the moisture. Serena gasped when his wet lips connected with her own.
"Oh D-Darien... I'm the one who's sorry! I sh-shouldn't laugh; hell, I'm wearing an ugly sports bra for gym! It's just... I pinned you a-a-a... boxer kind of guy!"
Darien scowled, pulling away, but his tone was teasing. "I *am* a boxer kind of guy! It was just an accident today!"
Serena smirked, scrubbing away the last of her tears. "I'm kidding. Um... what do you say we, er... continue where we left off?"
Darien growled huskily, latching onto her shirt. "I think that's an excellent idea. What say we discard the rest of your clothes and I mine, love?"
[Author: WOOO! GO FOR IT, DARIEN!
Darien eyes Author with disgust. Serena simply opens her mouth and screeches: "I DON'T LIKE AN AUDIENCE WHEN I'M ABOUT TO HAVE SEX, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"
Author: Er... sorry. I'll be quiet now.]
Within minutes, the two were clad in nothing but their birthday suits. Darien moaned as their bodies touched and Serena flushed at the new sensations ravaging her system. After a quick embrace, Darien decided it was time to get down to business. He let his hands rove up Serena's soft belly to caress her taut nipples...
And was rewarded not by a pleasured groan, but hysterical jerking and peals of laughter from Serena.
"T-t-t-that tickles!" she snickered, flicking his curious appendages away. "Don't touch my stomach; I c-can't stand it!"
Darien cocked a sardonic brow. "How about this?" He wiggled his palms into the crook of Serena's legs but was slapped away again by the guffawing flaxen. "N-n-no!"
Serena lurched away from the touch to her upper thighs, positively screaming at the ticklishness.
"Here?" Darien asked desperately, wondering how the hell they were supposed to have intercourse if his girlfriend got the giggles at every passing glance of his fingertips.
Finally, Serena shivered. It seemed he'd hit the spot.
Darien grinned wickedly. "Oh, you like it when I touch you there?"
"Oh, God... more!" Serena sighed, opening her legs for further penetration. Darien chuckled, starting to position himself so they could *really* get it on...
But was interrupted by the loud and jarring sound of the front door making impact on the wall. There was a squeak of surprise, followed by a quick clap as fingers met eyes. And then Darien's hearing went borderline deaf as Serena shrieked in her infamous wail (you know, the one that climbs the decibel scale in leaps and bounds?):
"DAMMIT, RINI! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT KNOCKING!?"
"Um, oops?" was all the little pre-teen of a menace muttered contritely, crimson as her pupils. She peeked curiously through slits between her fingers, pausing to stare interestedly at Darien. The man suddenly felt awkwardly uncomfortable and moved to shield himself. "You- you said if it was in the name of love, barging into personal homes-"
"The FIRST time I told you, not a few days ago when Darien was acting all suspiciously with that lady...!" Serena shot back irately.
Darien frowned. "HEY, she was my BOSS! I was *sucking up* for a *job promotion*! And I got it, didn't it?"
"YOU CAN'T SUCK UP TO OTHER WOMEN WHEN YOU HAVE ME, DARIEN CHIBA!" Serena sobbed vociferously. "At least not in my sight...!" Darien just patted her back.
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry," Rini grumbled, backing out of the room with her hands still unhelpfully over her eyes. She collided painfully with the wall before finally finding the threshold. "If it's any consolation, this isn't the first time I've caught you two having-"
"UGH! GO, you little spore! Before I decide I'm going to go on the pill for the rest of my life!" Serena bellowed, stopping to chuckle at Rini's brief expression of horror. Then the child blew her future mother a raspberry before her hasty exit, Serena responded in kind, and Darien knew all was right with the world.
Until he looked down and groaned.
"Serena, darling... I think this is truly a sign from above that we're just not supposed to make love tonight," Darien sighed, gesturing to his shrunken member. Having your future daughter burst into the room is definitely an erection-killer; what can I say? Serena huffed, blowing the golden bangs on her forehead in exasperation.
"Call me superstitious, but I guess you're right. Everything that could go wrong is, well-"
"Going wrong," Darien supplied. He patted his girlfriend on the butt with an evil grin. "BUT, I *am* free tomorrow night."
Serena squealed. "Ooh! Ooh! Me too, me too! How about we get a double chocolate milkshake and watch the stars and-"
"I'm thinking of something a little more *dirty*," the raven-haired college student elucidated, rolling his eyes. "More along the lines of what we've been attempting to do all evening...?"
"OOOOH!" Serena muttered lamely. Darien imagined the little light bulb clicking on above her odango. She too sprouted a mischievous smile. "Okay! And properly, this time. With boxers, lingerie, and locks."
"Am I wearing the lingerie or are you?" Darien inquired, dark orbs sparkling. Serena smacked him upside the head.
"Tempting though your proposition is, I think that duty falls on *me*. You just go buy yourself a nice, sexy pair of black boxers-"
"I ALREADY OWN BOXERS!" Darien reminded her, affronted, but she continued on as if he'd never spoken-
"...and I'll distract the fungus. The girls too, while I'm at it. Maybe dump Rini on them for the night."
"Kill two birds with one stone? I like it."
"Yeah, you never know with them. They like to skulk in closets and spy, for some reason. *I* think they're just jealous and need some way to release all that pent-up sexual energy, ya know?"
Darien snickered. "Probably." He slid an arm around Serena's shoulders and kissed her. "Mm, I'm actually sort of glad we're not doing it tonight. It makes me even more eager... just you wait, my Princess. Tomorrow is going to be the most romantic night of your life."
[Author: BWAHAHAHA, poor Serena and Darien! I just *love* being sadistic :-D Did you enjoy it? Hopefully the story garnered a few chuckles; please review! Here's my applause if you managed to catch the "One Dark and Perverted Night" reference. If you're looking for humorous U/M lemon, look no further! Stop by my profile and check it out!]