Disclaimer: All of the characters, concepts, and anything affiliated with the Twilight saga belong to (their rightful owner) Stephanie Meyer. The rest of the work belongs to me and should not be copied in any way, including translations, without my explicit consent.
Major thanks to Flyaway Dove for Beta-ing this.
Set: Sometime after BD.
Note: Jake has his own pack and the Renesmee Imprint disaster doesn't exist. & Mentions of sex… a lot.
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." Rita Rudner
There's a support group in La Push for people like me; people who are bitter, unhappy, angry, lonely, brokenhearted, depressed, resentful, cheated, cynical, and hostile. It's been a great group, having meetings when we need them the most. Especially on Saturday, September 23RD, Wednesday, February 16TH, Sunday, April 18TH, Thursday, May 27TH, Tuesday, June 4TH, and Saturday, July 9TH.
Let's just get some things straight: it isn't like an AA meeting, we don't sit in a circle and talk about our feelings. We connect with one another and try and forget those days.
Saturday, September 23RD started everything. The wedding of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. That was painful. Watching someone as stupid as Bella throw her humanity away was fun to watch, until I had to play babysitter when Jacob "the rightful Alpha of La Push" came back from Canada and threw a hissy fit, almost killing the bride.
Wednesday, February 16TH was the wedding of Paul Woods and Rachel Black. I was a bridesmaid and did not enjoy it. Actually I was the maid of honor for, as Rachel put it, "old time's sake". The dress was a Pepto Bismol pink and I had to walk down the aisle with Jared. Plus, watching anyone marry Paul would make you rethink your faith in humanity as well.
Sunday, April 18TH had to be in the top three of Worst Weddings Ever. On this particular day, Charlie Swan and Sue Clearwater were joined in holy matrimony (That one killed me. Not only was it absolutely disgusting watching my mother make out with Chief Swan, but I am now sister-in-laws with the Cullens. It still gives me the shakes.). Again, I was the maid of honor, and had to wear another unflattering dress. You would think that your own mother would cut you some slack and have you wear a nice dress, but no.
Thursday, May 27TH had to be the most graphic wedding of them all. Of course, I'm talking about the wedding of Jared Thail and Kim Connweller. Not only was the newlywed couple making out at the alter for at least five minutes, but for some unknown reason to God, (well, it was probably because she needed more girls to fill up the line), I was a bridesmaid. Luckily, Kim had better taste in dress style, but not in color. I looked like a rotten tomato and had to smile and walk down the aisle with Paul. Fun.
Tuesday, June 4th was the 'blissful' wedding of Samuel Levi Uley and Emily Young. Emily wanted a beach wedding so they waited until the weather was nice enough for a ceremony at First Beach. Unfortunately, they didn't wait for anything else: pregnant Emily walked down the aisle looking like a balloon. There, (and I blame the pregnancy hormones for this), I was maid of honor. Again, I was wearing an absolutely hideous dress that was…god I can't even describe the color it was so bad. (Two minutes after I got home that night, I tried to burn it. But it wouldn't burn! So, I buried it and secretly hope that it doesn't come to life and strangle me with its many ruffles. Yes, you heard me, ruffles).
Which leaves Saturday, July 9TH: the wedding of Nahuel Huapi and Renesmee "Nessie" Carlie Cullen. I was forced to come, due to the fact that "Nessie" and I are now "family" thanks to my mom marrying Charlie. The maid of honor, (I hate my life), was me. Shocker, I know, I would have thought that she would name Malibu-I-drink-blood-only-Barbie, but no, she picked me, "Aunt Leah".
The only good thing is that Nessie actually gave us good dresses. Flattering, but not over the top, a nice color, but not so vibrant as to wash us out; she definitely ignored her mother's advice. I walked down the aisle with Jacob, since he is Nessie's "Uncle Jake" and Nahuel's options were limited to Jake, Dr. Can-I-please-test-you-for-insert-medical-anomaly-here-while-I-use-my-sparkly-charm-to-woo-the-nurses, Ed-I-wanna-rape-your-mind-without-warning, Emmett-let's-try-and-see-if-the-wolves-fetch, or Majorly-I'm-on-my-"Man Period"-moody. Yeah, if I were Nahuel, I would have chosen "Uncle"-I-can-morph-into-a-huge-Alpha-wolf-Jake too.
So yes, our support group, "I Hate La Push/Forks Weddings Anonymous" has had a lot of practice. Which is why right now we're having an emergency meeting.
"Oh yes! Yes! YES! JAKE!"
A very good emergency meeting.
"Oh god, Leah! Le-ah! LE-AH!" Jake moaned before collapsing on the forest floor.
I collapse on top of him and then wiggled my hips signaling him to release his tight hold on them. Once he did, I caught my breath and climbed off of him and started searching for my clothes. We do this every time. Every time there's a wedding, we follow the schedule of "meetings." I count off our meetings in my head: sex when we hear about the engagement, sex at the engagement party, sex when they set the date, sex when we get the invitation, sex when they announce who is in the wedding party, sex when we are, (inevitably), named part of the wedding party, sex during our fittings, sex during the bachelor party and bridal shower, sex before the wedding, sex during the wedding (once on the beach, twice in a church parking lot, twice in the nearby woods, and once in the church bathroom), sex after the wedding, sex during the wedding party, and sex the day after the wedding when the couples leave for their honeymoon.
Right now, we just finished having sex before the wedding, and we're late. I search the forest for my clothes, "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Help me find my stuff, Jake!"
He chuckles, "Feeling modest now, Leah?"
I roll my eyes, "Check your watch dickweed. We're going to be late if we don't get dressed!"
Jake looks at his watch and hisses, "Fuck!"
Yeah, now he sees why I'm running round the forest butt-naked looking for my clothes. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jake find his clothes and rush to put them on.
"Here." He hands me my bra and panties.
"Thanks." I take them and throw them on quickly.
I slip on my hideous puke-green halter bridesmaid dress and try to zip myself up. I zip it halfway up before I hear Jake sigh and put his hands on my waist, pushing it up the rest of the way. "There," he whispers.
I bend down, grabbing my matching heels, and mutter a quick "Thanks."
"No problem," he says while trying to knot his black tie.
Chuckling lightly, I stand in front of him and tie the knot for his tie. "There," I smile.
He smirks and adjusts the knot to where he likes it. "Thanks."
Looking at his watch he tells me, "We really need to go. The ceremony is about to start and we need to see the happy couple."
"Oh joy! We get to see the Soap Opera Couple get married! Let's just run over there right now!" I exclaim sarcastically.
"Why do you call them the 'Soap Opera Couple'? There's no drama between them," he asks.
We're walking towards First Beach, (yeah, another beach wedding), when I tell him, "Their names scream soap opera!"
He furrows his brows, deep in thought. "I don't get it. Embry's mom named him after one of the characters from some Day-Time TV show, but what about the future Mrs. Call?" he asks with a smile.
I throw my hands up, how can he not get it? I smile to myself; I look up at the sky and shout, "Porqué? Porqué, Maria?"
He laughs in understanding, "A tella novella name and a soap name. Nice."
I smirk back at him, "I try my best."
I heave out a huge sigh before I plaster another fake smile on my face for another wedding. Ugh, it's Monday. It's Monday, and I'm wearing a puke-green monstrosity of a dress on a beach, in the middle of August for a wedding. Not exactly my idea of 'fun.'
I glare in the general direction of the wedding, crossing my arms over my chest ready to throw a fit and whine, "I don't want to go to another imprint wedding! You can't make me!"
Just as I'm about to kick my heels off and run for Canada, Jake grabs my hand and drags me toward the ceremony saying, "Let's just do this." Reluctantly, I follow his lead. I am wearing heels and can't put up much of a fight, so I just follow him to our places.
One hour, Three Crying Interruptions, and Two "I dos" Later
I want cake. If I have to deal with all of this wedding crap again, I'm going to need some three-layer chocolate cake. Now.
Getting up from my seat, I get ready to pull a 'Mission Impossible' and dodge people to steal some cake. Seriously, it's the only reason I'm still here. I look around the room and groan. Ugh, I'm so bored; all I want to do is eat their cake and leave. Too much 'happiness and bliss' in one sitting is bad for my health, ask Dr. Can-I-touch-and-prod.
I look around, making sure no one sees me; I can't have any witnesses seeing me steal a piece of the 'sacred wedding cake'; the same wedding cake that the newly wed couple has yet to cut the first slice in three hours after the ceremony. Three!
I walk slowly towards the cake, nodding and smiling to anyone who looked at me, ready to turn and walk away from the cake before trying again if people catch on to my plan.
I have two feet to go when a warm and familiar arm pulls me by the waist over to the side of wedding party. "Hey! Watch it!" I yell.
Jake chuckles, "Relax, will you? I saw you eyeing that cake. Tsk, tsk, Leah. Can't you wait ten minutes for Embry and Maria to cut it?"
I furrow my brow before answering stubbornly, "No. No, I can't."
"Which is why I got you this," he says presenting a mini cake. A chocolate mini cake.
"You are officially my absolute favorite person on the planet," I tell him. He feeds me a bite of the cake and I swear that if I could, I would marry that cake. "Ever. Favorite person ever," I moan. So good, the cake is so good.
Jake smiles a genuine smile, "You too, Clearwater. Here, sit." He pulls out my chair and sets the magnificent cake down onto the table.
While I'm eating my cake, (a recipe I'm going to have to get, by force or not), Jake sits beside me, contentedly playing with my fingers. Thank god I'm right handed or else I'd hit him, regardless of the wonderful 'Oh-my-God-if-could-I-would-imprint-on-this-wonderful creation-of-chocolate-and-sugar' surprise cake. Halfway through the cake, I feel compelled to share it, to share the feel-good emotions that come with this cake. "You want some?" I ask Jake.
He looks back at Embry and nods, "I'd love to, but right now I have to give a speech on how happy I am that they found each other."
I snort, "Have fun," and get back to inhaling my cake.
It takes about five minutes until all of the cake is gone. I look at the empty plate mournfully; I'll miss that cake. I'll have to get Jake to tell me where or who he got it from.
I start to play with my utensils when six-year-old Claire and three-year-old Levi Uley Jr. come running towards me. "Help Aunt Leah! Quil is chasing us!" Claire squeals.
I pick up Levi and sit him on my lap as Claire shields herself behind my chair. "Don't worry, I'll protect you from big, bad Quil," I whisper conspiringly to them.
Quil comes jogging over to us. Levi Jr. burrows himself to me and Claire shrinks even further behind my chair. He winks at me before he asks, "Hey, Leah, have you seen Claire or Levi Jr.?" I hear Claire gasp.
"Nope. Why do you ask Quil?"
He leans in, whispering, "Because I plan on tickling them until the sun goes down!"
"Oh, well if you plan on tickling them," I trail off. Levi sits up and smacks my arm before spotting Quil and burrowing back into the folds of my dress. I laugh. "I have no idea where they are Quil. Good luck, though."
He pretends to go off looking for Claire and Levi Jr. and once he's gone, Claire and Levi relax. "Thanks for not telling him where we were, Aunt Leah," Claire says.
I ruffle her hair slightly. "No problem kiddo."
I bounce Levi on my knee and tickle his sides while Claire makes funny faces at him, getting him to laugh even more. Levi keeps grabbing my fingers and trying to pry them off his sides. "Pwease! Pwease, Awnt Weah! No mowe!"
I release Levi from my grasp and watch him run towards Emily. Claire looks at me with a smile on her face I smile back and wink at her. "We did good work Claire." I hold my hand up for a high-five.
She stares at my hand before her smile widens and she returns the high-five. Claire climbs on my lap and starts to play with my fingers, like Jake was doing earlier. Our eyes focus on the dance-floor, following Embry and Maria. After their first dance as husband and wife, everyone starts to couple up to join the newlyweds on the dance floor.
Scanning the partners, I spot one couple in particular that I can't seem to tear my eyes away from; the way that they're dancing, how close they are, how she's clutching to him, how they're looking at each other. I can't believe that he's dancing with her. Jacob Black is dancing with none other than Sue Clearwater, and, by the looks of it, she's got a lot to say to him. All I can do is stare at them: just watch my mother talk my Alpha's ears into psychosis. In the middle of nodding and smiling, Jake turns his head and catches my eye. He nods to my mother and mouths, 'Help me.'
I chuckle and look at Claire, "Should we help him?"
She smirks and pretends to think about it, "Umm. No!" she shakes her head enthusiastically.
"I didn't think so either," I agree. We both look back at Jake who pouts at us, already anticipating our answer. Claire giggles and waves at Jake before turning towards me. "Aunt Leah?" she asks.
She keeps playing with my fingers and asks, "When are you and Jake going to get married?"
"WHAT?" I yell.
That has to be the most absurd question I have ever heard.
She looks up at me, determined. "You and Uncle Jake hang out all the time, you guys are always talking at these weddings, you make each other laugh, and I've seen you holding hands." I blush at that one, because for a whole week he held my hand, which I bitched at him for later, and we thought no one noticed. "And he gave you a pretty ring like Embry gave Maria."
Say what now? Shaking my head I try to set her straight. "Claire, he didn't give me a ring. And we are definitely not getting married."
Claire's eyebrows furrow together, she tries to reason "But, but what's this then? I saw Uncle Jake slip it on earlier! He gave it to you just like Embry gave it to Maria!" She grabs my hand, which she has been playing with all afternoon, and points to my fourth finger on my left hand. Rolling my eyes, I look at my finger and nearly pass out. Sure enough, there's a small diamond engagement ring on my finger, one that was definitely not there this morning.
Then, it clicks. The holding hands, the compliments, the cake, him talking to my mother, it was all a part of his "proposal." Dear god, my mother accepted this idea, no wonder he's talking and dancing with her.
I smile, (or at least try to), at Claire, there's no need for me to phase with her on my lap. "Go find Quil or Levi Jr. and play, okay? I need to talk to your Uncle Jake for a minute," I tell her in as calm a voice as I can manage.
She nods and before she runs off to play she says, "I like you and Uncle Jake together Aunt Leah."
Oh no, he got to Claire.
I look down at the ring again. It's clearly an engagement ring, but we're not engaged, or dating, or together. All we do is scratch an itch together at all these weddings we have to go to. I don't see why he's getting me a ring. 'Unless this is some sort of payment. A little 'thank you' for all of the 'meetings' at the weddings,' the little voice in the back of my mind supplies. Oh, that jerk! He sees me as a whore, doesn't he? I'm going to kill him!
I storm over to him and drag him, reluctantly, (I bet he knows what's going to happen), from my mother's clutches, and over to the nearby forest. Once I'm sure we're far enough away that we won't attract attention, I round on him.
"What the hell is this?" I demand, pointing to the ring.
Jake looks at the ring. He shrugs before stating simply, "A ring."
I nod. "Very good. Now, can you tell me why I am wearing it, exactly?" I ask in a condescending tone. I am not in the mood for this.
Jake lets out a frustrated sigh, "It's just a ring, Leah."
I put my hands on my hips and channel all of my anger into these questions: "What type of ring, huh? Is it some sort of payment for my services for what we do at the weddings? Is it for –"
He starts to shake and yells, "It's an engagement ring!"
Holy shit, this dumbass just keeps making things worse. I glare at him before yelling, "You idiot! You just thought that I would be okay with being engaged to you? I don't even want your stupid ring! God, we're not even going out!" With this ring, he's ruined everything. We can't sneak around and have our meetings anymore, since he wants to be engaged. With that realization, I get even more pissed off and screech, "You ruined our arrangement! You always do this! You ruined your friendship with Bella by wanting more, and now you're ruining the arrangement with me! Why can't you leave things alone? GAH! Get out of here! Leave me alone!"
He stands in front of me, fuming. All he does is glare at me, trying to intimidate me. Well, that's not going to work buddy! When his shaking starts to become more pronounced he does what I ask, letting out a frustrated growl before stomping deeper into the forest, leaving me.
I stand there watching him leave, fuming. I stare at the ring: the cause of all these problems.
How dare he think that he can tie me down! He didn't even propose properly. Does he just assume that I would say yes? I'm not going to just roll over and say 'Oh yes, Almighty Alpha I would love to be your wife.' He really needs a reality check. Leah Black may sound nice, but until the jerk realizes that he needs to propose properly, let alone actually be in a committed relationship, I'm still going to be Leah Clearwater.
Looking up from the ring, I see that he's still walking away, probably back to the wedding. Crossing my arms over my chest I call to him. I'm pissed off that he's leaving. We still need to talk. "Hey! Get your ass back here! What the hell do you think you're doing? Just because your little proposal was an utter failure doesn't mean that the IHLPFWA isn't having a meeting!"
He turns and looks at me smiling before he runs over and picks me up, smashing my lips to his.
"Don't you dare think that this means that I'm accepting it, you little douche bag," I warn him.
"Sure, sure," he smiles, taking my hand and looking down at it. I roll my eyes: his 'Sure, sure' translates to, 'I must tell Sue and Billy of our upcoming wedding!'
Playing with my fingers, his smile grows. "You love me. You want to marry me! You're still wearing your ring," he points out.
I look down at my hand. Damn gorgeous ring.
I look back up at him and all I do is glare, because he's right. Stupid ring. Stupid Jake.
Jake crushes his lips to mine once again and starts our ritual "when we hear about the engagement sex."
Looks like there's going to be another La Push wedding.
Thank god for support groups.