Post-Eulogy Helen fic- inner musings.
Okay, yes, guilty- I'm on the Eulogy bandwagon… Blame "My Sister's Keeper" (from which I lovingly ripped my first two lines and then tweeked a bit for my own harmless purpose…) Oh, and I also stole from Sophocles, but I don't think he'd mind… As always mistakes are all my own, my story is unbeta'ed and I do not own Sanctuary, the characters or "My Sisters' Keeper" (though I wish I could say I did)
And I'd like to dedicate this piece to my Mum- my best friend, my confidant and my sanity. You are my rock and I love you.
When you have a child, and she dies, do you stop saying you have one? Or are you always a mother, even if the other half of the equation is gone?
I lie in bed and wonder if several lifetimes will wash away the pain I know one lifetime cannot. I've had so long to live, and have so much time left, and yet we only had a fraction of it- not enough. Nowhere near enough.
I lost you. It is a mother's worst nightmare. The thought had always scared me, even before you were born. You were left vulnerable for so many years, unaware of your own existence, and then you came into this world needing my protection, my love. You were so innocent. I remember how you would laugh when I made stupid, silly noises and talk baby-talk, how you would wave at the friendly abnormals when they walked by, though you did not understand that most children were afraid of them. How you would scream with delight when Henry chased you down the hall in a game you had made up together.
How you would tuck into my side in the middle of the night, sometimes unnoticed, because the thunder scared you more than any of the residents here.
It is true, what they say about losing a child. The pain fills you from top to toe, it leaks into your every motion, your every thought. Lying in bed half asleep, I can almost feel you climb up next to me and crawl under the covers. It takes all my willpower not to wake in my sleep, positive I've heard your voice call my name. This place holds your echo- every table you would hide under, every cage you would enter fearlessly, every room in which you would assist me with my work… they all cry out to see you again. Just as I cry out in the night.
How will I ever move on?
How can I possibly let go, when you were everything- my hopes, my dreams, my past, present and future- all in one person. How can I let go when, more than all of that, you were my child. You were the anchor that held me to life. The ever-present reason to continue when all other avenues were lost, no matter how difficult or menial the task may be.
Though time may ebb the flow of sadness, it will never leave, no matter how many life-times I endure.
And I now realise that I will always be a mother. I am forever among that allegiance of women who know the pains of childbirth, who have lost countless hours of sleep in the night, who have held a washcloth to a warm head, waiting for the fever to break.
Who have cried on the first day of school.
Who have packed up caves made out of pillows and blankets and a table.
Women who have been there through first steps, first words, first days, first sleepovers, first crushes and first heartbreaks.
I was there for all your first's, and I was there for all your last's.
Your last capture, your last adventure, your last fight and your last word.
A last word that was frighteningly similar to your first word.
And that is all the proof I need.
I am a mother. I was your mother. And I always will be.
Nothing makes me prouder.
Right, now that that's off my chest, I have to go study for English… Please feel free to leave some feedback- it will make me happy in this great and uncertain exam period… :D