Count Snape

By Hoshi Nagaiki

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. J. K. Rowling does.

A/N: A random idea I had one day while I was taking a shower. Enjoy.

Once upon a time, there lived a dark and vicious vampire by the name of Count Severus Snape. Being a vampire, his teeth weren't the greatest, since he was constantly biting into necks and sucking blood. (Blood leaves stains on your teeth—I bet they didn't tell you that in Twilight). Because of this occupational hazard, Count Snape had a dentist he would regularly see for checkups and teeth cleanings so he could keep those pearly whites looking deliciously seductive. This dentist was known as Dentist Granger. Count Snape entrusted Dentist Granger to keep his secret of vampirism and to always give him excellent tooth cleanings fortnightly at midnight. In return for this, Count Snape paid Dentist Granger double what regular customers paid and promised to stay away from his family while he fed.

For years they kept, this tradition up, but on one fateful night, bad news arrived. Count Snape had bit into an especially rough neck and his teeth had become damaged. When Dentist Granger finished examining his teeth that fortnight he reported that Count Snape would have to wear braces. Count Snape obliged as long as it meant that his beautiful teeth would be back to their normal sexy self swiftly.

When Count Snape left Dentist Granger's office that night, his mouth was filled with neon green and pink rubber bands in an attempt to brighten his face: he had been told he was looking rather pale lately. (Damn, that Edward Cullen, forcing vampires to step up their game).

The day after Count Snape got his braces, he returned to Dentist Granger's office. "Everyone's making fun of me," he complained. "I'm not allowed into the nightly vampire club anymore. My servants can't look at me without laughing. Even my victims started laughing at me, I felt so ashamed that I couldn't even drink their blood."

Dentist Granger looked at the vampire with a mix of understanding, sympathy, and fear (after he heard he hadn't eaten). "Do you want your teeth to get better or not?"

"Well, yes, but I don't want to like a clown. Those demonic beasts scare me."

Dentist Granger patted his shoulder. "Lots of people go through trouble adjusting to their new look after they get braces."

Count Snape sighed. "I know. It's just you don't see other vampires like Edward Cullen wearing braces."

Dentist Granger chuckled. "Well, it's not like you're going to look anything like Edward anyway."

Count Snape's back straightened and dark clouds shrouded him. "Are you saying that I am not as sexy as Edward Cullen?"

"No, I was just—"Dentist Granger began, but he was cut off by Count Snape's screaming.

"How dare you, you foolish mortal! I am the sexiest vampire alive!" Count Snape paused and his voice dropped to a whisper. "You must be punished."

Outside the office door, footsteps could be heard. Count Snape covered Dentist Granger's mouth with his long, pale hand. The door creaked open. "Daddy, are you in here?"

A teenage girl with bushy brown hair clad in blue pajamas with ducks on them tiptoed into the room. "I thought I heard shouting so I came to see what was—"

Upon she her father in the hands of a vampire, Daughter Granger screamed.

Count Snape smirked. "I think I have found my punishment." He glided away from Dentist Granger and gripped Daughter Granger with one arm, pulled her into his cape, jumped out the one-story window, hit the ground, and broke out into a sprint (because vampires can't fly).

"Nooooo!!!" Dentist Granger screamed as he fell to the ground. "My shrubbery is ruined!"

A/N: What do you think so far? Good? Not so good? Please review.