Story: Let's Hear it for the Monsters… NOT!

Buffy Summers gets called to St. Louis. High & Mighty Anita Blake gets in the way. Someone gets their ass kicked. Clue: It's not Buffy.

Chapter One: Bangers & Mash


Buffy Summers is called to St. Louis, MO to go after a rogue vampire. She encounters Anita Blake and her harem of beautiful men. Buffy is at her usual level of sarcastic charm and Anita is at her usual level of Mightier Than Thou charm. Buffy confronts Anita for being a monster and Anita (surprise) doesn't take it that well. *Meow* Catfight at the Circus of the Damned!


Timeline: 5 years after Buffy series finale and after the Anita Blake latest novel 'Skin Trade.' In Anita's world 5 years have passed since vampires were made legal and I know that doesn't match up with Skin Trade at all but I'm making it work this way so please ignore inconsistencies.

The Bad Guys: The Vampires, Lycanthropes, Animators, Witches, etc of Anita's world are the ones in this story and the ones that Buffy and the Gang have always known (hence this no soul business). However, the Demons of my story are the demons of Buffy and not the super evil ones of Anita's world.

Why am I writing this? I have never before had the desire to do an Anita fic and have never had a chance to read one on this site. But Anita pisses me off. I keep reading the books since I loved the early ones but I'm tired of that girl's shit and think she needs her ass kicked. Now, I as a real human being cannot kick the ass of a fictional character… But I can make Buffy beat her up in my story! Mwahahahaha! I promise, fun times ahead :D

Your feedback is always greatly welcomed and strongly encouraged :) I'm debating on how much of this story to create so if I see folks like the ideas I'll keep them coming. Otherwise, I may just kill Anita Blake in the first couple chapters and send Buffy back to Scotland with a harem of pretties.

Disclaimer: Buffy Summers and the Slayer world are all the creations of the Evil Genius that is Joss Whedon. He owns them, as does 20th Century Fox. Anita Blake and her world of legalized baddies was created by Laurell K. Hamilton and she owns all of them. I only own my random OCs and wacky thoughts.


Rain pounded over the roof of the Scottish castle that was now Watcher Council HQ. Like all days in this *bloody* country, it was bloody raining again. How Giles could grow up in this dank, dark place Buffy would never understand. Glancing down at her arm she sighed; her wonderful California tan was a thing of the past. Oh well, no use worrying about something so trivial when there are weightier matters at hand.

God, did she really just think that? Damn, being in charge of an army of Slayers is actually turning her into a responsible adult. 'Gag me,' she thought. 'Not to mention, the last time I've been able to go shopping was at *least* two months ago'.

But it's been five years that she has led the roughly four hundred slayers and she was twenty-seven years old. No more time to be a kid… Not that she had much time to begin with.

"Yo B, why the long face?" Buffy didn't have to raise her head from her comfortable position in the foyer love seat to know Faith was nearby. To be honest, it wasn't even her voice that identified her but that tell-tale click of her spiked heels on the hardwood floor.

"It's raining," she sighed.

"Girl, it's always raining. We're stuck in our own version of hell here, if hell consisted of stiff upper-lip accents, tweed coats, and bangers and mash."

"Hmm," Buffy mused. "When I walked by your bedroom last night it sure sounded like you were enjoying your own dish of 'bangers'," she cracked with a smile.

Faith let out a deep chuckle and threw Buffy a kiss. "Mmm, I tell you. I think I can confidently say that if Robin Wood was not such a fine chef of… bangers," she cackled, "there's no way we'd still be together after five years."

Buffy gave her a piercing look and raised her eyebrow. "Really? Gee, and I thought you were still together because you are in love," she said in a drippy voice.

That earned Buffy a smirk and crossed arms, but no words of comeback. Score one for the Buffster.

"So," started Buffy. "Did you see the news?"

"Buff," she drawled. "You know that's your job. I'm the brawn and you're the brains."

"Whatever," Buffy rolled her eyes. Faith liked to play dumb but in reality Buffy considered her one of the brightest people she knew. Yeah, they had a lot of history together. A lot of bad history in the beginning but their relationship was much better now. No matter what, they were sisters in the Slayerhood. Of course, being sisters it was also common to want to strangle the other at times.

"They said Las Vegas caught that serial killer vamp that was killing strippers."

"Fuck. For real?"

"Yeah," Buffy restated. "Apparently reports say he was taken out by some weretigers and," Buffy motioned quotation marks with her hands, "the Executioner."

Faith shook her head in annoyance. "Screw that. If that chick, or anyone else who wants to be a federal marshal to kill vampires, they should just know to stay out of our business."

"Hard to do that when we're on the run, remember?"

Faith's jaw tightened and her doe eyes blazed with fire. "Stupid fucking vampires just *had* to go legal on us. Five years ago- bam! Hundreds of slayers are popping up. Suddenly the Vampire Council realizes they are screwed and that no amount of creepy mind powers can save them from our army. Presto! They avert all of our plans by 'coming out of the coffin', feigning personhood, and are made legal in the U.S. Then all of a sudden *we* are the bad guys, along with Humans First, because we kill vampires and are suddenly proclaimed 'terrorists'." Her voice shook with pent-up anger; the kind of anger that ate away at your body because there was nothing you could do to change the situation. Except kill more vampires, of course.

Her eyes flashed as she took in the memories of the previous years, but Buffy sat serenely on her cushion. In her time Buffy had met some vamps and demons who weren't exactly bad guys. She got that it's wrong to hunt down innocents because the world is grayer than black and white. But for the vamps to go public had been wholly unexpected. Everyone at the Watchers Council was shocked by the bold gamble.

But the gamble had paid off. Few slayers lived in the countries where vampires were recognized as legal citizens, such as the United States, Canada (it's like they are required to love everyone or something), Australia, and the Scandinavians (seriously. Do they hate anybody?). Legislation was still going through Britain's parliament but luckily the Watchers Council held considerable sway so Buffy doubted it would succeed. In those countries slayers who were charged with killing a vampire were charged with murder, terrorism, etc- SO not fair. Hence, Buffy and the gang stayed where they were wanted and, sadly, not where they were always needed.

Nodding at Faith's remarks, Buffy said, "I know Faith, I know. It is BS. I can't wait until they realize what they've done, making them legal. I mean, I don't want innocent people to get hurt but look," she gestured to the TV across the hall, "it's already happening. We need to be back there."

"Yeah, for real." Lazily grabbing the remote Faith turned on the TV and flipped to the news station.

The reporter was discussing the breaking news of the night that Buffy had explained to Faith. He was discussing the murders committed by a crazed vampire named Vittorio and the outcome of the event. "We have it on good authority that US Marshal Anita Blake was responsible for the kill, assisted by deputized weretigers, in Las Vegas. Marshal Blake has the highest number of vampire kills in the United States and is nicknamed the 'Executioner' for that purpose. Interestingly enough," here the reporter raised his eyebrow slightly, "she is also the Human Servant and Girlfriend of the St. Louis Master of the City, Jean-Claude."

The screen showed video footage of Anita Blake wearing a skimpy black dress and killer heels walking arm in arm with Jean-Claude, who had cascading ringlets of black hair covering his frilly dress shirt. Behind the two lovers were presumed bodyguards dressed in black.

Buffy's eyes widened in surprise. This was not the news footage she had seen earlier. She continued watching until the ended the video clip and then turned to a wide-eyed Faith.

"Did you see?"

Faith nodded tersely. "I saw."

Buffy stood up and straightened her crinkled shirt. "Looks like I'm going to St. Louis."

Taking a deep breath, Faith answered. "Looks like." She called after Buffy, who had started walking back to her room. "Don't forget an umbrella!"