Yes, the title is a Seinfeld reference. No, this will be no where near as good as Seinfeld XD. But the same concept I suppose, no real plot. Like, ever XD. This is kind of a spin-off from Bleach Beach Birthday and Pretty, Pretty Princess Party. Same timeline (they've been dating for about 4 or 5 months now). Same setting with all of them as actors in Bleach and good ol' Abe the director and Kubo the mangaka. The shinigamis are still actual shinigamis. All that good stuff. I'm not sure how much of the Bleach story actually happened in the AU...probably will change according to my whim. Does that mean plot holes? Well it would if these had a plot XD. The main thing is it's just little happenings in the life at Peirrot.
Main pairings are IchiHime and RenRuki. Others will be included here and there. Oneshots/drabbles/whatever-these-things-are will not always be IchiHime oriented...at least I don't think they will be...but who knows...
To start it off, my Halloween entry. And it SUCKS. I did have an idea for a plot, but I just didn't have time to put it together, so this is a mess (in true "about nothing" fashion), and not very funny I don't think, but I still wanted to contribute to the contest, so whatever XD.
Oh and sorry for typos, I didn't have time to really do a good proofread.
Disclaimer: Bleach (c) Kubo Tite
Halloween Horror, Hubbub, Hatchets, and Halos!
He was such an idiot.
Seriously, what had he been thinking? Letting Rangiku help Orihime with her Halloween costume?! He was the village idiot and the resident loon all rolled into one. 'Course, it wasn't like he could actually forbid it or something…she was his girlfriend, not his slave… Oh. My. God. What if she's dressed in Princess Leia's slave outfit?! He sharply shook his head and slapped the toothy grin off his face. What happened to not wanting his innocent girlfriend traipsing around in anything Rangiku-influenced? But holy mother of Buddha she would look hot…
A burst of giggles sounded from down the hallway where Orihime's bedroom was…and where Rangiku was fitting her into who knows what. Ichigo scowled and shifted uncomfortably on her sofa. Oh, nothing was wrong with the giggling. Or the sofa. It was really quite comfortable and huge and…white. The fact that it looks suspiciously identical to the couch used as Aizen's on the Hueco Mundo set? Total coincidence.
So back to Ichigo's level of comfort, the reason for the lack of it is that he can't say no to his girlfriend. No matter how he tried, every time he meant to say "no" it always left his mouth as "yes, of course, I'd love to, sweetheart". Dammit. And this time his speech impediment had landed him in a prince costume. The worst kind too. Tights? Puffy sleeves? Puffy shorts? Yes, yes, and yes. Oh and let's not forget the tights are purple. Purple! He glared at his pointy, silk shoes and considered swinging by his place and fishing out some leftover fake blood from his costume last year just to make this one less…emasculating.
And a side-note to his credit, he may have been able to refuse her for the first time in his life under normal circumstances, but she'd said the f-word. Fantasy. It was her fantasy that he dress up as a prince (a very puffy, purple prince). And far be it from him to deny his beautiful girlfriend's fantasy fulfillment. What kind of man would he be to pass up the opportunity to actually be her fantasy? Not a bad trade-off if one thinks about it…or at least that's what he kept telling himself.
He sighed forlornly as his thoughts traveled back to his last costume. Last year had been the bomb. He'd gone as the headless horseman and a buddy in the makeup department had some time on his hands so he made an exact replica of Ichigo's head that Ichigo had carried around under his arm. Freaked. People. Out. He grinned and leaned back into the couch. It had been awesome… Well, mostly awesome. Orihime had giggled when she'd seen him. That had kind of deflated him a little…but then she'd looked so adorable as Optimus Prime.
Ichigo turned at the sound of a door opening and louder giggling. He squinted down the shadowy hallway. When Orihime stepped out into the light, he couldn't believe his eyes. His shell shocked face waited until she'd come all the way into the living room and did a little twirl before allowing his jaw to drop.
She smiled shyly and giggled. "What do you think, Ichigo-kun?"
He swallowed and cocked his head to the side, frowning a little.
Orihime plucked nervously at her costume as Rangiku planted her hands onto her hips in a huff. "Well, Ichigo? Tell your girlfriend what you think of her costume!"
His mouth did a little open-close warm up before actually letting any sound out. "You're…You're a Christmas tree."
She clapped excitedly and did another little twirling dance, bells ringing and ornaments clinking. "Yes! Isn't it great?!"
Ichigo cocked his head to the other side and let his eyes glide over her off-season costume. He glanced suspiciously at a grinning Rangiku, and then back to the flashing, multi-colored Christmas lights. Had that woman really had a hand in this? Because this wasn't some sexy Christmas tree (if that's possible) he was looking at. You know those costumes people wear like giant pumpkins or giant M&M's? Yeah, this was along those lines only it was a huge Christmas tree. Big and green and polyester with a flashing star on top, her happily flushed face poking through a round cut-out, and all the blinking lights and colorful ornaments and strings of popcorn and cranberries…well, it was making him a little dizzy.
"But you're a Christmas tree." He felt that point need to be reiterated.
Her smile faltered a little and he immediately felt bad. "I know…"
"I mean you look fantastic!" He let out a relieved breath when her smile returned in full force. He hadn't lied, she definitely looked fantastical. "But…uh…it's a Christmas tree. And this is Halloween."
"Ichigo-kun," she held up her green, glittery, gloved arms and matter-of-factly explained to her confused boyfriend. "The Nightmare Before Christmas."
He blinked at her when she didn't elaborate and looked at him like he should understand everything. He felt more confused. "Huh?" he eloquently inquired.
She frowned at him in sudden deep concern. "The Nightmare Before Christmas…Tim Burton?...Danny Elfman?" Her face fell in utter dismay when none of her words produced any reaction from her boyfriend. "Don't tell me that…that you've never seen The Nightmare Before Christmas?!" Well, her costume didn't seem to fit the holiday, but her horrified face when he shook his head certainly fit the occasion. She placed her hands on her cheeks and swung her head back and forth. "Oh no, I've failed you as a girlfriend! How could I have not known about this?! How could I have neglected you?!"
He didn't really see why this was such a big issue…but he had a feeling he better not ask who in hell these Tim Burnin and Denny Dwarf guys were. "Well anyway, we better get to the party, we're running a little late." As Orihime waved at him to wait just a moment and jingle-ran over to her massive DVD stash, Ichigo stood and turned to a casually dressed Rangiku. "Aren't you going?"
She grinned devilishly (did she ever grin any other way?) and waggled her eyebrows. "Nope, Gin and I have our own private role-playing costume party to play later on. Do you want to know what we're going as?"
Thankfully Orihime jingle-jangled back to them before Rangiku could start telling him anyway and he found a DVD cover shoved in his face with creepy cartoon skeletons on the front. "The hell?"
"This," she shoved it closer till the images blurred, "is The Nightmare Before Christmas."
"Oh." He struggled not to glance back at the clock.
"And you and I are watching it tonight."
He stared at his girlfriend's face that was set like a general, somehow feeling a bit scared. "But what about the party?"
"After the party."
"Yes, ma'am." He obediently followed the marching Christmas tree and glared at the smirking blonde woman.
His attention snapped back to his Christmas tree and he tried really, really hard not to laugh at her trying to get through the suddenly too narrow doorway. Tried being the key the word there. He trotted over to turn her sideways and bend down her star, laughing all the while…with her, not at her.
Orihime finally reached the hallway, all ornaments intact, but then whirled around when she heard a soft crackle from behind her. "Ichigo! Don't eat my costume!" she scolded.
Ichigo sheepishly popped another popcorn into his mouth. "Hey, they were falling off anyway."
She narrowed her eyes at him slightly and then he suddenly had a thought. "You know, your costume would be even cooler with a bloody axe or something…you could be a psychopathic Christmas tree."
Her eyes grew wide and she grinned big. "Oh my gosh, that's such a good idea! I don't know why I didn't think of that!" She ran to the doorway – wisely choosing not to go through it again – and called out, "Rangiku? Could you open the box we were looking through earlier and bring me that bloody axe?"
Ichigo heard a muffled affirmative and frowned. "You just happen to have one on hand?"
She looked back at him and nodded. "From when I was the "Vengeful Bride" three years ago."
"Oh yeah, I remember now. That was a good one. Very scary."
"Thank you!" she beamed at him.
"I definitely won't be leaving you at the altar." His eyes flew wide open as his face flushed hotly. Oh God please tell me I didn't just say that.
Orihime leaned back from peering into her apartment. "What was that?"
Ichigo sent up a quick prayer of thanks. "Nothing!"
Rangiku appeared right then and handed her the big bloody axe. "Oh, a killer Christmas tree?"
"Yes! Ichigo-kun suggested it!" Orihime said, cheerfully swinging the fake axe.
"Well whaddya know, he does have creativity. Whodda thunk it?"
Ichigo chose to ignore her and they said their goodbyes again.
"Hime?" Ichigo asked as they made their way towards the elevator.
"How are you gonna fit in the taxi?"
After much struggle, the couple arrived at the warehouse studio where the party was being held. Ichigo tentatively knocked on the cobweb covered door and it swung open to reveal Tarzan.
"Hey, Ichigo!" Keigo snorted and laughed. "Nice costume, bro."
Ichigo rolled his eyes and inwardly groaned. And it starts.
Keigo looked around hopefully for Orihime, but his face fell when he saw she was practically wearing a tent. "Hey Orihime. You look…cute."
She grinned at him. "Thank you, Keigo!"
Ichigo took in Keigo's costume, which was comprised completely of two squares of fabric barely covering his goods, held together by string. "You look like a creepy pervert."
"I am a pervert. Not creepy though."
Ichigo shook his head. "Whatever. You gonna let us in, Buttflap?"
The couple stepped in to a wildly decorated studio; cobwebs hanging everywhere, a boiling cauldron, orange and green lights, a small haunted house at one end, tables filled with weird food (Orihime was particular thrilled about this), and various unidentifiable people dancing and milling about as the music blared over the speakers.
Ichigo and Orihime looked up to see a mummy making his way towards them. Ichigo squinted at the tufts of red hair peeking out between the wrappings. "Renji?"
"Yo. You…uh…" He snorted. "You look interesting."
Ichigo's retort was cut short as a pink devil ran up to them.
"Oh my gosh, Rukia! You look so cute!" Orihime exclaimed.
Rukia grinned. "Thank you. So do you! Nightmare Before Christmas, right?"
Rukia turned to look Ichigo up and down as he tried to figure out how the hell she figured it out so fast. "Wow, Orihime. I can't believe you actually got him to wear it!"
"I know right? I thought for sure he'd say no, but he didn't even put up a fight."
Renji snickered. "Damn, you're whipped."
Ichigo looked at Renji in mock surprise. "Am I? And who was the sucker who dressed up in a Chappy costume last year?"
The mummy grumbled and looked away.
"Yeah, that's what I thought."
"Ichigo!" The strawberry suddenly looked down at a pink devil who was glaring up at him. "You haven't said a word about my costume yet!"
He studied it seriously for a few seconds…and then burst out laughing.
Rukia gaped at him and then quickly slapped him upside the head. "What the hell is so funny?!"
Ichigo pulled in halting breaths. "It's just…it's just so appropriate. Devil-woman."
She shook her trident in his face menacingly. "I oughta skewer you."
"Kurosaki!" Abe greeted as he and Kubo strolled up to them. "What the hell are you wearing?"
"I'm…Prince…Charming," he ground out.
Kubo chuckled. "Charming. Right. You and Ursula the Sea Witch."
"Oi! What's with the fat octopus comparison?"
Ichigo narrowed his eyes dangerously, glancing critically at his employers who were casually dressed. "And why aren't you two in costume?"
"Oh we are," Abe said as he turned to reveal a hatchet buried into his back, blood stains seeping down his shirt.
Ichigo, Rukia, Renji, and Orihime all grinned widely.
"Oi! Why does everyone always have that reaction?! You people act like your boss-being-murdered fantasy has finally been fulfilled."
"You're a great boss, boss."
Abe glared at the less-than-enthusiastic denials and then turned to Kubo. "This is the last time I take your advice."
Kubo shrugged. "Hey, I told you it'd be a hit, didn't I?"
"And what are you supposed to be, Kubo?"
He looked at Ichigo. "Why, I'm Kubo Tite, the famous mangaka of the incomparable manga series, Bleach!"
Ichigo groaned and looked around for someone more normal to talk to.
Renji rolled his eyes. "You're just too lazy to actually put together a costume."
"Renji," Rukia poked Renji's butt with her trident. "Go get me some punch."
"Hey! Quit pokin' me with that!"
"Heh heh heh, that's what she said."
The whole group groaned.
Renji frowned. "No more real world pop culture for you."
"And no more you-know-what for you if you don't act like a gentleman and get me punch!" She gave him another good poke.
"All right, all right!" He lifted his hands in defeat and started towards the tables. "Enough with the poking already!"
"By the way, Orihime," Kubo added. "Nice costume. Nightmare Before Christmas, right?"
"Yup!" she beamed and held up her bloody axe. "Or just a psychopathic Christmas tree."
Ichigo scowled. "What the hell? Does everybody get her costume except me?"
They halted and stared at him.
"Don't tell me…" Abe began, almost afraid to speak the words. "You've…You've never…"
"Yeah, I've never seen The Nightmare Before Christmas or whatever it's called."
A collective gasp came from the people in the studio. The music stopped. The dancers stopped.
Oh, the unfathomable horror.
Orihime looked at the floor in shame.
Rukia stared at him and was finally the first to speak. "I…I feel like I don't even know you anymore."
"Are you kidding me? What, is it that horrible that I've never seen some stupid movie?"
A woman in the back screamed. Orihime clamped a green glove over his mouth. "Shh! Don't say such things, Ichigo. You might end up like Abe-san, only for real!"
He scowled and grasped her hand in his, pulling it away. "Are you kidding me?"
Abe shook his head. "I can't believe this…I just can't believe this…"
Kubo ran his fingers through his hair. "I…I feel like my inspiration has fallen into a void…I don't know if I'll able to continue Bleach…"
Renji gently placed the punch in his girlfriend's hands, rubbing her back trying to assure her that her best friend was still the man she knew. He looked up and glared at Ichigo.
"For the love of – Okay, Hime and I are watching it tonight so you can all chill, okay? It's not the end of the world."
"But still…to never have watched it…"
A low murmur started over the party as they began to mill about again, trying to clear their minds of the Halloween horror they had just witnessed.
Ichigo closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Idiots. He sighed and avoided the looks he kept getting, bending down to scratch at his itchy tights. Suddenly his whole body went rigid. "Wait a second…where's Hime?"
Rukia snorted. "She's her own woman. You don't have to keep tabs on her every second."
"I know that! I just…she just left." He scowled as his eyes darted around the crowd.
Kubo wiggled his fingers. "Maybe she vanished into thin air."
"Tch. Whatever. I don't hang out with non-Nightmare Before Christmas watchers. Come Abe. Let us find ourselves some more refined company."
"Okay…but there is no way in hell I'm taking your hand."
Ichigo marched off, trying to sense where she was. But there were so many people. Where the hell did she go? And how could he miss a Christmas tree?!
A familiar giggle floated above the droning hubbub and he whirled around towards the direction, nearly breaking out into a run, sliding around a corner on his silk shoes. There she was with…the hell?
She was leaning back against a wall, hiding her giggle with her hand, a tin man stiffly dancing in front of her with his hands pressed over his heart, and singing, "If I only had a heeaarrt…"
"Ulquiorra!" Ichigo growled.
They both looked over to see the purple prince standing there, seething. The tin man stopped dancing and stood stiffly, his green eyes calmly staring at Ichigo. "Yes?"
Ichigo's eyes narrowed dangerously, amber clashing with green. "Step away."
Orihime looked back and forth between the men with wide eyes.
"Ano…th-thank you, Ulqui-chan. That was really cute, but-"
"But we should get going," Ichigo growled.
"Don't you want to bring me back into the good graces of society by showing me The Nightmare Before Christmas?" he asked, his eyes still on Ulquiorra.
Green eyes widened in shock and Ulquiorra opened his mouth, but Ichigo cut him off with an eyeroll.
"Oh no, even you've seen it?"
"Of course, you mean you haven't-"
"Shut up, Ulquiorra. Come on, Hime. You ready?"
She nodded fervently and walked over to him, a determined expression on her face. She would never let her boyfriend be ignorant of such an important thing ever again.
Later Ichigo stretched lazily on her white couch, immensely happy to be out of his costume and in sweats and a t-shirt. It was probably a good thing they had had to leave so early. That costume had been killing him.
He glanced up at the sound of jingling. "I thought you were changing out of that."
Orihime bit her lip and fiddled with an ornament, "…well…I was…I mean…I'm having a little trouble getting out of it…could you…?"
He blinked at her and then jumped up. "Oh! Yeah." After a few seconds of fumbling he found the zipper and then started pulling it over her head. "There you…go…"
He dropped the costume to the floor in shock, staring at what was underneath. He thought it'd just be sweats or something. At least that's what she had had under her Optimus Prime costume…but…but…
"Yeah?" he squeaked, and then awkwardly cleared his throat.
"Are you okay?"
He wildly nodded his head. "Good. Definitely good." He couldn't tear his eyes away from the really short, really tight, really low cut angel costume.
She fiddled with the halo and pulled at the bottom of the sparkly white costume. "This…this is what Rangiku wanted me to wear, but…but I…" She blushed even harder as she struggled to look him in the eye, even if he wasn't exactly looking in her eyes at the moment."I didn't want anybody else to see me in it except you."
He finally lifted his eyes to hers and suddenly smirked. "Good choice."
"I-Ichigo?" Her eyes widened as he stepped forward with a wolfish grin on his face. "Ichigo, what are-mmph!" She fought against him for a moment, but quickly melted into his kisses.
Finally she was able to pull away and gasped as his mouth moved down her jaw, down her neck… "I-Ichigo…the movie…we have to…"
Ichigo growled against her skin and pulled her in tighter. "My social salvation will have to wait until later." He ran his hand down her side and gripped her hip. "Right now…Right now I have to corrupt an angel."
I know, I know. Sexy costume. So cliche XD. But I ran out of time to do anything better. Thanks for reading!!