~Black Dragon41~

Disclaimer: I Do not own Resident Evil, Claire, Steve, Chris, Wesker, Alexia, Nemesis, Jill, Salazar, Barry or Sherry.

This chapter is LONG, just to warn you.

Warning: may be very disturbing and crack-like in some situations.

This section has two parts, this is part one: Proper eating etiquette; Waiting and Ordering.

Proper eating etiquette/table manners

Having trouble eating properly around your guests? Always diving face first into your plate? Always having trouble proving to your mom that you have manners, although she knows you don't? Can't hold a fork and spoon properly? Afraid to handle a simple dinner knife? If you are having these troubles than you are reading the right fic! This section will help you rid of your disgusting behavior at the table for any meal of the day, especially when you have invited friends over or your parents have a guest come over for dinner. Say goodbye to the table beast, and learn to really feast like a real pro. Claire, Steve, and Sherry will properly demonstrate the right way for the eating etiquette.

The proper way to handle your etiquette/manners at the table: Situation 1- Claire has invited two of her best friends to a dinner at an expensive restaurant, and they have decided to go. They wait at the counter until a waitress assigns them a table.

Waitress Salazar: "Thank you for waiting, right this way if you will." He walks to a clean table fitting for three people. As the guests take their seat, he hands them the menus.

Steve: Looks at the long list on the menu. "Wow, there's a lot of food to choose from!"

Claire: "Sir, may we have some time to order?"

Waitress Salazar: "Sure, call me up when you are ready." He walks away.

[A/N: Yes I mean Waitress! You'll find out why soon.]

Sherry: Places the menu down on the table "I know what I want."

Claire: "Already?"

Sherry: "Yes, I don't really care what I eat. I am just so hungry!"

Steve: "I think I'll have the veggie soup."

Claire: She collects the menus and calls up the waitress. "Sir! We're ready to place our order."

Waitress Salazar: Walks up to the table and pulls out a notepad and pen. "Now what will it be?"

Claire: "I'll have the steak combo with mash potatoes and green beans for the side."

Waitress Salazar: Writes down the order. "What about your drink?"

Claire: "Iced tea, please."

Waitress Salazar: Continues to write down orders. "What about the kid?"

Sherry: "I want chicken strips, mash potatoes, corn on the cob and fried onions. As for my drink, I want a chocolate milkshake."

Steve: "I want a vegetable soup and that'll be all for me."

Waitress Salazar: "Is that all?"

Claire: "Yes." She hands him the menus.

Waitress Salazar: "Alright then, it will be awhile for your meal so please wait patiently."

Steve: "We'll be waiting."

Waitress Salazar: "Good." He takes the menus and goes to the next set of customers.

To be continued…..

The next set of customers will demonstrate the wrong way to behave and act while ordering and waiting for their orders.

The wrong way to handle your etiquette/manners at the table: Situation 2- Six 'friendly acquaintances' were hungry on the job and decided to stop at this restaurant, however they are impatient and very bored. As they wait for a table to be cleared, they start up a ruckus.

Chris: "How long are we going to have to wait? I'm starving!"

Jill: "This is supposed to be a five star restaurant? Alexia, is this your idea of eating out?"

Alexia: She turns away with disgrace. "I don't eat anywhere that's not professional nor cheap! Besides my dear brother Alfred, recommended this place. He said it was absolutely delightful, we have to eat here!"

Chris: "Oh God, he recommended this place?!"

Alexia: "Yes, and he's always right!"

Nemesis: "Stars!"

Alexia: "See, even lumpy here agrees." Points to Nemesis.

Jill: "What???"

Chris: "Well this is stupid, who wants to eat at a place called Applebee's anyways. What do they serve, apples loaded with bumble bees on a silver platter???"

Barry: "This place doesn't look that bad, the food smells good."

Wesker: "Why am I wasting my time here, this is absurd. I don't need to eat like you pathetic humans do."

Chris: "Get over it Wesker! You used to be human too!"

Wesker: Irritating adversary, I am beyond your standard human abilities. How many times must I throw you into a wall to prove it?"

Chris: He's grinding his teeth. "Power doesn't make you better than anyone!"

Wesker: Smiles wickedly. "Really?" Slams Chris up against the wall with one hand, and holds him up by his neck.

Chris: Trying to free himself. "Errr.."

Waitress Salazar: Walks up to the small group of people. "Hey! No killing the customers, save that for later! Now if you don't mind, I will show you to your table." He starts walking off.

Nemesis: "Stttaaarrrsss…???"

Wesker: "Consider yourself lucky. Blasted Redfield luck!" Drops Chris and follows the waitress.

Jill: Knelt down to Chris. "You alright? You know we can leave if you want."

Chris: O.O "NO WAY! They have a midget in this restaurant?! I've never seen one in person! We've gotta stay! I have so many questions!" Gets up and runs for the waitress.

Jill: (He just has to have a freaky fetish for midgets. Poor idiot.) "Uuuuhhh…"

Waitress Salazar: He brings the group to a large table, everyone takes a seat. He then lays a stack of menus on the table. "Here are the menus and feel free to order as much as you like. Call me back when you are ready." He starts to walk away.

Chris: Stares happily at the midget waitress. "I can't believe it, a real live midget!"

Waitress Salazar: Turns around slowly. "Excuse me…?"

Chris: He points at the midget. "You're a real midget!"

Waitress Salazar: "How dare you! I am not a midget, I am… just short is all!"

Jill: Whispers to Chris. "Chris, you shouldn't bother the waiter."

Waitress Salazar: "I heard that you infidel! I am not a waiter, but a waitress!"

Alexia: "It,… looks and sounds like a male to me."

Waitress Salazar: "What?"

Jill: "Waitresses are female, idiot midget."

Waitress Salazar: "No, you are wrong! The title of Waitress is given to the best and more higher classed employees! Besides, Waitress has such a beautiful and elegant ring to it!"

Alexia: "Yeah, because it's for poor women and you are just a poor midget man."

Waitress Salazar: "LIES!!!"

Barry: Rises from the table. "Waiter, Waitress, Whatever! I am ready to order, if… you don't mind!"

Waitress Salazar: Angrily holds a pen and notepad. "Fine, what will you have?"

Barry: "I'll have six Steak Fajitas, three Sizzling Apple Pie slices, five Mozzarella sticks, a twenty piece Buffalo Chicken Wings basket, two Fried Chicken Salads, a 9 oz. House Sirloin, two Parmesan Tilapias, and a Chicken Quesadilla Grande with crispy bacon, freshly-made pico de gallo and a hint of chipotle pepper." Just sits and smiles. n_n

Waitress Salazar: Glares at him. "Sir this is a restaurant, not a buffet you gluttonous buffoon!"

Barry: "This isn't a buffet?…. Where am I ?"

Alexia: "You're at an very expensive restaurant and I am paying for the food, so just choose a meal already!"

Barry: "So you are paying eh? Fine, I would like one of everything please."

Waitress Salazar: Eye twitches. "Fine, stuff your pathetic face full!"

Chris: Waves his hand in the air. "I have a question."

Waitress Salazar: "What?"

Chris: "What is it like to be a midget? Like can you run fast with short legs?"

Waitress Salazar: Jumps around angrily. "I am not a midget! I am only short, and yes I can run pretty quick!!!

Jill: "Yeah, for a midget."

Waitress Salazar: Continues to jump around. "I am not a midget!!!"

Wesker: "Persistent little man."

Nemesis: Rolls it's eyes. (Starrrsss….)

Alexia: "Grrr…" Hand catches on fire. "Take our orders or else die, little midget man!"

Waitress Salazar: "Fine! Stu… inf…." He mumbles to himself.

Alexia: "Now I would like the Santa Fe Chicken Salad with no sour cream, two mozzarella sticks and lemonade. That will be all."

Jill: I want the *12oz. New York Strip, mash potatoes, and the Honey BBQ Baby Backs, please."

Waitress Salazar, Chris, Wesker, Nemesis, Alexia, Steve, Claire, Sherry and Barry: Just stares at Jill.

Jill: Throws her arms in the air. "What???! I'm hungry, okay! I'm not gonna get fat!"

Nemesis: "Staaaarrrrssss?"

Waitress Salazar: Points to Nemesis. "What will he have?"

Nemesis: "S.T.A.R.S.!"

Alexia: "Just give him a soup, any kind."

Chris: Waves his hand out again. "Hey, what is it like being so small?"

Waitress Salazar: "None of your business!"

Chris: "Come on. Do you at least pick up the ladies easier?"

Waitress Salazar: "What?!"

Chris: "I was just wondering is all."

Waitress Salazar: "You are very annoying!"

Chris: "Yeah, I get that a lot."

Wesker: "And not just from me, either."

Waitress Salazar: "Just order something already!"

Chris: Okay, I want the steak combo with peas and mash potatoes on the side. For dessert I want the chocolate cookie dough sundae, preferably extra chocolate syrup. And I want a redbull to drink.

Waitress Salazar: Trying not to scream at Chris. "We… don't… have…. redbull!"

Chris: "Oh, well how about lemonade?"

Waitress Salazar: "We have that, at least," Turns to Wesker. "What about you?"

Wesker: "I demand a Steakhouse Burger with A. Steak Sauce, with mash potatoes and paired with steamed herb potatoes and seasonal vegetables. As for dessert; the Maple Butter Blondie and a cup of coffee will suffice."

Waitress Salazar: "We don't have coffee."

Wesker: Grabs the midget by the neck and holds him high off the floor, his eyes begin to glow red with rage, beaming through his dark shades. "I said,… I wanted coffee."

Waitress Salazar: Looks around, trying to avoid the intimidating glare. "Uh,… I guess I can make a quick trip to…. Umm… the local… Starbucks…… Pleasedon'tkillme."

Wesker: Drops the waitress.

Chris: "So when will our food be ready?"

Waitress Salazar: "When it's done, you moron!" He walks up to the counter.

Jill: "Ugh! We should of went to TGI Fridays. If I am going to wait for my food, then I at least want good food."

Alexia: "This place has good food, so shut it!"

Chris: "TGI Fridays? What is it post to stand for? Totally, Grotesque, Ingestibles? And let me guess… they only serve food on Fridays?"

Jill: "Chris!"

Chris: "What?! Is it my fault that the most expensive restaurants have the most weirdest names??? Possibly the weirdest food too!"

To be continued…

A/N: Please Review! Sorry if I had to put this section into two parts, however, it's just soooo looooong! XD LOL! Next section will be fun! What not to do at a restaurant? Why starting a food fight, for starters! Expect this in the section 2. Thanks for reading and reviewing! Remember to send in more situations!