I am such a jerk.
Just...oh, god, you guys, you leave such wonderful reviews. I think this fanfic has some of the nicest collection of anons and I'm SO sorry this chapter has taken so long. I just kind of got very busy with uni life, essays, and pure procrastinating. Also I've not been watching as much Young Ones as I was before, so this is at least a viable reason...but yeah, you guys are so amazing. I think I might want to move in with you all. :D I hope you enjoy this chapter (and weirdly, I've been dying to write the opening scene for ages. XD I also just noticed I need to change the fic summary, it makes no sense anymore, lulz.)
It was there again.
Evelyn stood very still.
Since moving in with the boys (which, while it was disgusting and loud and induced a ridiculous number of headaches), it was still a vast improvement over her old flatmates.
But that wasn't to say there weren't downsides.
And Evelyn Sebastian Volcano was staring one of them down right now.
The downside growled threateningly. Although it was chained to a kennel, that offered little comfort, as the last time Evelyn had walked past this particular house on her way out, the damn dog had managed to rip free of its confinement, forcing her to barricade herself inside a Laundromat until it became confused as to where its target had vanished and wandered off.
But, she suspected such a quick escape would not be easily rewarded to her this time.
"Okay..." Evelyn whispered to herself, trying to be motivational, the way she was when she tried to do sit-ups, for example, or particularly daunting coursework. "You can do this. It's just a dog...a big dog...but it only got free once...just walk past it, act casual and don't show your fear."
Feeling confident that this would work, Evelyn took in a deep breath and began walking purposefully forwards, trying to distract herself with thoughts of all the clothes she planned on buying that day, once she had successfully tracked down Neil and bullied him into being her human pack-mule, of course. She knew it was pointless trying with the others; Rick couldn't lift anything heavier than a kettle without whining about throwing out his back, and Vyvyan was such a ridiculously heavy sleeper that it would have taken a marching band just to garner a reaction. So as it was, Neil would just have to do, and earlier on that morning, the long-haired hippie had been ordered by Mike to go to the shops, and he had not returned by the time Evelyn dragged herself out of bed, so she had no choice but to go searching for him. (Given the pace Neil normally walked, it shouldn't be too difficult to catch up to him.)
However, as the dog's growl rose and fell menacingly, Evelyn started to panic a bit. More than a bit, and she found her mental planning promptly shot to shit when she suddenly found herself launchingdown the street as the dog began barking loudly, and the next thing Evelyn knew, she rocketed past several startled-looking pensioners as she heard the dreaded noise of the dog's chain clattering along the pavement as it gave chase.
"AAAAGH! KILLER DOG! SOMEBODY GET SOME SILVER BULLETS QUICKLY!" Evelyn shrieked as she dashed along, although her yelling was interrupted by an unwelcome coughing fit as she promptly got some hair stuck in her mouth. "Bleh!" she blurted, spitting it out in disgust.
Neil, who conveniently had been drifting along down the street Evelyn was headed towards like a lost balloon, looked up in confusion to see Evelyn bolting down the street with what looked like a Rottweiler chasing after her.
"Um, Ev?" Neil said. "I think, you've, like, got something following you."
"DON'T JUST STAND THERE, NEIL, THROW SOMETHING AT IT!" Evelyn shouted, in too much panic to bother telling him she'd already worked out she was being followed for herself.
"But I'm a pacifist!" Neil protested weakly.
"I DON'T CARE! Think of something!"
Neil thought, hard.
"Oh, I know, I know!"
Evelyn glared at him as he hopped up and down excitedly.
"This had better be good."
"I'm hungry!" Rick whined. "When is that stupid hippy coming back from the shops?"
"I sent him off at least two hours ago..." frowned Mike, but then he shrugged and continued combing his already slicked-back hair.
Suddenly, however, the relative quiet of the kitchen was interrupted by Evelyn and Neil suddenly bursting into the house like a pair of squirrels, Neil tripping over the threshold, sending the one shopping bag he had managed to cling on to as he and Evelyn ran for their lives back to the house spilling onto the floor.
"Ouch." Complained a jar of mayonnaise.
"Don't worry, dear." A peach answered in a disturbingly lilting, female voice. "At least you won't bruise."
"Oh, that's absolutely bwilliant, Neil!" Rick immediately complained, leaping on a chance to criticise and totally ignoring random food objects coming to life for no reason except for a quick, horrible pun. "Now what are we meant to-"
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Evelyn burst out, pressed up against the door as the Rottweiler barked furiously from outside. "Can't you see we have slightly more PRESSING matters to deal with?!"
"Evelyn, what happened to your twousers?" Rick suddenly asked, pointing, as the hem of Evelyn's jeans did indeed look like they'd been viciously chewed.
"It's that stupid dog from number seven!" she wailed, biting agitatedly on her nails. "It chased us all the way here and it almost got me!"
"It bit me." Neil complained, but nobody paid any attention.
"Why did you two come here, then?" Mike said, exasperated, as though a rampaging Rottweiler was a minor inconvenience.
"Oh no, oh no!" Rick panicked. "I bet I taste delicious! Don't let it get me!"
"Shut up, Rick!" Evelyn snapped.
"I thought Vyvyan might be able to scare it off!" Neil explained. "Where is he?"
"Still in bed." Mike said, bemused.
"Vyvyan! Vyvyan!" Neil said, shouting up the stairs like a cat wanting its owner to come feed it. "Um, some heavy stuff's going on down here!"
Predictably, there was no response.
The dog then chose that moment to jump up against the glass, causing the front door to jar alarmingly, barking all the while and Evelyn let out a shriek, Rick started screaming like a hysterical child. Neil began chanting, "Oh, heavy, heavy!" over and over, and Mike just sat there watching the lunacy unfold.
Suddenly, a door flew down the stairs, narrowly missing Neil.
"WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP?!" came a familiar yell from up the stairs. "I AM TRYING TO SLEEP YOU BASTARDS!"
"Get rid of it, get rid of it!" Evelyn yelled, frantically.
"Oh my god, it almost got me!" Rick squealed, which was a total lie.
"Get rid of what?!"
"THE DOG!" shouted the three, together.
Groaning, Vyvyan rubbed at his eyes from where his bedroom door used to be, before stomping down the stairs. He looked unimpressed by the black shape at the door.
Striding past a hysterical Rick and the other two, he wrenched open the front door, stepped out onto the front porch and growled. The dog faltered for a moment, confused by this new presense, and when Vyvyan stepped forwards and growled straight back. The dog barked, but it let out a whimper when Vyvyan, still growling (possibly due to being woken up by his melodramatic housemates), chased after it. The other three watched as the dog vanished around the corner, with Vyvyan chasing it and a number of bizarre sounds emanating from the punk.
"Well, that's that sorted." Mike commented, blithely.
"Yes, but now, thanks to Neil and that stupid mongwel, I am not getting any bweakfast!" Rick pouted.
"Rick, did it occur to you that you are in fact of possession of working legs and you're perfectly capable of using them to get your ownfood?" Evelyn sniped, which was admittedly rather hypocritical of her, since she had gone to find Neil with the specific intention to use him as a pack mule, but arguing with Rick was always guaranteed for entertainment.
Rick put his hands on his hips (he wasn't wearing his dungarees today, at least) when Vyvyan, looking no worse for wear unlike Neil and Evelyn, came stomping back into the house, heading straight for the stairs, stooping to pick up his bedroom door on the way, for the sole purpose of carrying it upstairs and slamming it for effect.
"If anybody wakes me up again I'll staple your eyelids to the ceiling." he said, after shoving Rick over, just because he could, and vanishing out of sight.
"You bastard!" Rick spluttered, from the floor, but for once Vyvyan ignored him.
A small silence settled, and Mike sighed as he surveyed the food on the ground. He flicked the page of the magazine he was reading, deciding that if he ignored it, then maybe the food might grow legs and tidy itself up. It wouldn't be the strangest thing that had happened in this house.
"So!" Evelyn said, startling everyone as she suddenly clapped her house, having bounced back from her previous hysteria with alarming ease. "Who wants to come shopping with me?"
Although it had become increasingly apparent that Evelyn was just as insane as everybody else, despite her deceptively normal-ish appearance, it had to be said that it was quite nice to have a girl in the house for the boys. Ignoring her random accusations of bra theft, of course. And even if said girl refused to do any of the domestic tasks that Neil had been lumbered with, and nobody dared bring up the proposition of actually having sex with her; which was a bit disappointing, but since each boy wished to keep his eardrums/nose/kneecaps from being shattered, it was a sacrifice they had been forced to make.
But still, it was nice.
Especially for some people...
"Oohh..." drooled Rick, as he eagerly flipped through the pages of Evelyn's Cosmopolitan."Debbie Hawwy! You can 'call me' anytime!"
Rick giggled, snorting wildly at his own joke. He was happily sitting on the stairs having a good perv, eagerly grasping the glossy magazine in his fingers. It was a good job the others weren't there- Evelyn had gone shopping, dragging Neil with her, Mike was at the Chemists and Vyvyan was apparently trying to break the world record of refusing to get out of bed. So he was safe to indulge in his secret obsession of pretty women and pictures of shoes.
But just as Rick turned another page of the magazine, he could hear a female voice;
"Well I can'tcarry any of the bags, Neil, because I'm currently unlocking the door, okay?"
"Yeah, but Ev-"
"Shut up, Neil."
Rick squeaked as he made out Evelyn's vague shape through the translucent glass of the front door, and promptly bolted up the stairs. He had to hurry up and put the Cosmopolitan back where he found it- it had been lying on Evelyn's bed, freshly ripped out of the packet. There was no way she wouldn't notice if it was missing.
But as Rick ran inside and threw the magazine in the direction of Evelyn's bed, he suddenly slammed into something.
"Ugh!" Rick grunted, and then gasped. "Vyvyan! What are youdoing in here?"
The orange-haired punk glared at him.
"Shut up, you girl!"
"No I will NOT shut up! This is appalling, cweeping awound somebody else's room like this!" Rick cried, stamping his foot and choosing to strategically ignore the fact that this was exactly what he was doing. "What are you doing to do, set up one of your hilawiouspwactical jokes?"
"Don't be stupid! I've already done that in your room!"
Rick gaped at him.
"You complete and utter BASTARD!"
Rick's statement might have been more impressive if Vyvyan hadn't lazily swung at him, causing the Sociology student to squeal and duck out of the way.
"Look, just mind your own business, Rick, or I'll ram this penknife up your nostril, okay?" Vyvyan said, brandishing it with a typical Vyvyan gurn on his face. "Anyway, I'm looking for-"
When both of them heard Evelyn's voice, clear as a bell.
"Wait there! I'll be down in a minute."
Next thing, thundering footsteps started, indicating that Evelyn was coming up the stairs.
There was only one thing for it.
"HIDE!" squealed Rick.
And the two boys promptly dived onto the floor and wriggled frantically until they were both squashed underneath the bed, Vyvyan using the opportunity to give Rick a crafty elbowing as he did so. It was lucky for them that the only thing underneath Evelyn's bed besides her empty suitcase was the odd sock or dust bunny. They had no time to ponder this decision to both hide under the bed, when the door opened again and Evelyn's feet entered the room.
"...c'mon, it's a nice day for a...white WEDDING!" Evelyn sang to herself, her feet walking towards the direction of her wardrobe.
The door of the wardrobe opened and they heard Evelyn sorting through her clothes, mumbling to herself.
"Too warm...too cold...fuck...makes me look like a zebra, why do I even have this...too sparkly...not sparkly enough...aha!"
She pulled something out of her wardrobe and wandered over to the bed, sitting down on it with a thump. Rick stifled a gasp as the mattress sagged slightly above their heads. Evelyn continued singing to herself as she kicked off her shoes. Then (much to the boy's relief) she got back off the bed.
Then things took an unexpected turn.
Evelyn bent down slightly, first peeling off her socks, which she flung under the bed. Vyvyan gagged as one of them hit him in the face, although it naturally didn't smell as bad as one of HIS socks. Then, humming, her top suddenly landed on the floor by Evelyn's feet. Before either boy had change to think about this too much, they heard the distinct noise of a belt being unbuckled...then Evelyn's jeans joined the shirt on the floor.
Rick whimpered slightly. Vyvyan pinched him.
"Now, where did I put my...? Ah."
Evelyn's bare feet padded away from the bed slightly, and she started shifting through her chest of drawers. Wandering back to the bed, there was another rustling noise. Vyvyan gulped.
"Vyvyan," Rick whispered- luckily, there was no way for Evelyn to hear him as she was still singing to herself. "Is she...going to take off her...?"
And then, landing with barely any noise on top of her jeans, was...
"...bra..." Vyvyan gasped.
Both boys suddenly found themselves clenching hands.
Then, Evelyn sat down on the bed again and (after swearing a bit) there was a bit more rustling.
"Niiiice!" Evelyn grinned as she wandered over to her dressing table, evidently having just put on a new outfit she had bought.
But to the boys' horror, she walked over to the bed and this time lay down on it, the cellophane wrapper of the Cosmopolitan crackling. They heard a yawn.
"Vyvyan," Rick whispered, his eyes almost bulging out of his sockets. "Is she...?"
"Shut up or I'll kill you!" Vyvyan hissed back.
But just as things seemed to take a turn for the worst, they heard the distant ringing of the phone. Next thing, Neil's voice floated up to them.
"Eeeeev! There's, like, somebody on the phone who's ringing because they, like, want to talk to you!"
Evelyn sighed throatily, got up, and slipped out of the door, her striped legs disappearing around the corner.
The moment they heard her going down the stairs, both boys rapidly wriggled out from beneath the bed, both of them with dust coating their chests. Standing up, both of them avoided eye contact as they quickly left Evelyn's bedroom, because, as exciting as it had been to see that, both of them held hands and they needed some time to process that.
Some time later, the boys and girl came to the realisation that it was nearing dinner time, so four out of five of them drifted in the direction of the kitchen, although the fact they all instinctively knew what time it was considering that the clocks in the house told different times was quite impressive. The others weren't sure where Mike was, but since Vyvyan was hungry, Neil was depressed, Rick wanted the attention all to himself and Evelyn just didn't care, nobody asked.
Evelyn looked on in a combination of dismay and disgust as Neil began dutifully trying to scrape together something edible as Rick bossed Neil around in an attempt to look impressive, with comments such as;
"Neil, if you were any slower, you wouldn't be using an egg-timer...you'd be using an egg-calendar!" he said, pausing before delivering the punch line and snorting uproariously.
"But, Rick, I'm not making eggs." Neil said, looking a bit confused. Then again, Neil often looked like that.
"Rick, that joke wasn't funny the first time you said it, it wasn't funny now, and it will only ever be funny if somebody shoves a Swiss-army knife into your eye-socket, so shut up." Vyvyan said, pulling a rather ridiculous face as if to punctuate the sentence.
"Oh, well, I DO beg your pardon, Vyvyan!" Rick retorted, hands on hips. "I suppose you think you're the expert on comedy, do you?"
"Rick, even somebody deaf, blind and terminally thick knows you're not funny!"
"That is NOT twue!"
"Yes it is." Evelyn deadpanned.
Ignoring Rick's incoherent spluttering, she pulled a packet of cereal off the side hopefully, but the label kindly informed her that not only was it five years out of date, but when she did, SPG attempted to snap at her fingers.
"Agh!" Evelyn shouted, hopping back, promptly dropping the packet and dry, tasteless cereal promptly exploded all over the floor.
"Vyvyan!" Evelyn shrieked, thrusting an accusatory finger at the offending hamster. "Look at what your stupid fleaball made me do!"
"I bet I know who's going to have to clean that up..." Neil said, dismally, staring sadly at the cereal on the floor.
"Bring it on, ya daft tart!" SPG goaded.
Evelyn let out what sounded a bit like a war cry and tried to pound the annoying hamster with a chair leg, but he scurried out of the way just in time. Vyvyan seemed largely unconcerned with this, instead he was busily trying to crunch the cereal beneath his Doc Martins, if only because he liked the noise it made.
"Ugh, why is it that we always seem to have no food in this decrepit excuse for a house?"
Evelyn complained in disgust, having come to the none-too-strenuous conclusion that she was NOT going to eat lentils, even if that was basically all that had been on offer for the past few days, except for toast. She turned and addressed the room at large. "Why can't we just go out to eat?"
"Good idea!" Vyvyan said, who was in a chipper mood because he'd found money under Rick's bed when he had been in there earlier, setting up a delicious new prank. "Let's go to that Indian place where they give you a free fire extinguisher when you get the five-chilly curry!"
"Can we get a naan bread?" Neil asked, like a little kid, managing to pull off a combination of plaintive and whiny at the same time.
"Wait, wait, wait!" said Rick, dramatically.
The others looked over at him in a long-suffering kind of way. Rick put his hands on his hips.
"So we're going out to spend our hard earned money just because Evelyn says so?"
"Hard-earned? That's a fucking laugh, Rick, considering all you ever do is convert oxygen into carbon dioxide and waste everyone's time with your incessant monologues and tantrum-throwing." Evelyn retorted.
"I do NOT throw tantrums!"
"Yeah you do."
"I do not!"
"I bloody well do not!"
"You're doing it RIGHT NOW, Professor Wankstain!" Evelyn yelled.
Vyvyan decided to settle this argument by hitting Rick with the umbrella stand, causing him to go slamming into the floor with a pathetic little sound. He looked a bit like an insect squashed up against a car windscreen. Evelyn laughed.
"I'll go get Mike!" he said, as if there had been no break between Rick's protestations. Truthfully, with Rick disorientated, it seemed like the more sensible option.
As Vyvyan's boots clomped away up the stairs, Evelyn sank into a nearby chair with an exaggerated sigh.
"No I'm not!" Rick suddenly said, as he regained his (meagre) sense and got up again.
"You are, Rick." Neil told him, honestly.
"Nobody asked you, Neil, you disgusting fungus!"
"Yeah, it sort of sounds like that." added Evelyn thoughtfully, "Only less lispy."
"I AM NOT LISPY!"
Speaking of disgusting fungus...
Having being told by Vyvyan that a possible meal out was on the horizon (it was rare for the boys to go out to anywhere that wasn't a pub), he had returned to the bathroom to begin a "beauty" regimen that probably could surpass Evelyn's in terms of excessive product use and wasted time. Mike had at least five different types of hair gel alone.
However, after accidentally knocking his second favourite pair of sunglasses onto the floor, Mike had bent down by the cabinet underneath the sink, when he suddenly noticed a rather odd smell emanating from it. Now, living with Neil, Vyvyan and Rick, he was used to putrid smells, but this was something he had never come across before, and that alone was intriguing.
Shaking back the sleeves of his leather jacket (why he was wearing leather jacket in the bathroom was anybody's guess), he cautiously pried open a door.
Inside, a very peculiar mould seemed to be...pulsating. The strange, damp smell was ever stronger with the cabinet doors open, and if Mike's eyes weren't playing tricks on him (although given his excessive use of sunglasses wearing, it was likely they were), the fungus was actually slowly expanding even as he crouched there watching it.
Mike examined the fungus with a rather bemused look.
He could have sworn the fungus examined him back.
Mike turned to the camera, dramatically.
"I think it's time to call the Exterminator!"
Dundundunduuuun! The first cliffhanger of the fic!
Yes, Evelyn has a male middle name. I can't wait for when the boys find out. :D I will try not to take so long with the next chapter, luckily I have the next one planned out more, so all I need now is some inspiration. :)
Till next time~!