Escaping a Delusion
Chapter One: Welcome to Hell
Rosario to Vampire x Naruto crossover
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, all copyrights goes to Masashi Kishimoto. I don't own Rosario to Vampire; all copyrights belong to Akihisa Ikeda.
A continent that contained the five greatest military powerhouses in the world, a place that had began its era of disarmament after three world wars and countless bloodshed, a place where one clinically insane and senile old man declared world war four on basically every damn nation on the planet.
"Not like I'm alone, I've got all my friends with me and the seven bijuu as well, right?" Madara had stated in a matter of fact tone to no one in particular. Kisame and Zetsu looked at each other and then looked up unsure and they were looking at everything EXCEPT to the man that had the orange mask sitting on his makeshift throne. Talk about a sense of megalomania and a god complex worse than Pein's.
Kisame whispered to Zetsu, "I liked him better when he was Tobi! At least he wouldn't be stupid enough to drag us into this mess!"
Zetsu merely sighed and said, "You sure about that?"
"Tobi's a fuckin' moron, he'd have found a way to declare world war four all on his own, nonetheless. So it was just inevitable in the end." Mentioned the black half of the plant-man.
"Come on guys! We have seven of the bijuu! That's like… Two steps away to number nine… And close to ten!" Madara shouted, Kisame shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose,
"This is what I get for being a nuke-nin? I always knew I made a horrible choice about being a ninja when I was a kid. What couldn't I be a Sushi chef? At least I get a guarantee that I get to stay alive when I work, and I even get to beat people up for ordering shark fin. My mother was right."
Zetsu seemed to consider the options he had with his life, sure he wanted land, but it won't be of much use when he's dead. Better off leaving him decomposed there to be done with it! Maybe it wasn't too late; maybe he could still consider the options to him and become a botanist or a horticulturist! He heard there was a job opening at that temple that hid a treasure or something; he just has to be at the very middle of the room and wait for any intruder to come inside and kill them. Apparently, there was a kid that was terrorizing temples everywhere and the insurance company that covered those temples are getting pissed that the guards are being bested by a brat no older than twelve.
"Hey, Zetsu! Nice work with saving Sasuke's hide back in the Kage summit! Now we're sure to gain the attention of the Five Main countries of the Godaikoku!"
Okay throw that out of the window, the only thing left to do was to huddle in a corner and cry like a little girl as you wait for your death. The Five Kages were kind of pissed when their meeting got interrupted and he was pretty sure he bad mouthed all five of them, God he was an idiot! He shouldn't have listened to that old fart!
The thing about being an S-Class missing nin was that, you're famous anywhere you go, there was this list of common responses coming from them. One of them were,
"Oh shit! Run!"
"P-Please don't eat m- BLARG!"
"I'll do anything you want! But please for the love of all that is holy get that thing away from my face!"
Madara on the other hand, got these responses,
"Get away from the crazy man dear."
"Hehehe… Hah Hah Hah Hahahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, oh God, my stomach!"
"Okay Mister Uchiha, time for your medication! We don't want that nasty Alzheimer's disease kicking in again like it did when you were in Iron Country."
It was just… Sad to see the pathetic and shadow of the great man that this guy was, and sadly, he's still clinging, to hope, beyond all that he was still there, powerful, strong and imposing on any person that walked the planet.
The final straw had been when they met with the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki,
Three days prior:
"Let me get this straight, Madara demanded I be captured for his Infinite Tsukuyomi or whatever the hell that is?" Asked the Blonde jinchuuriki, who looked at the two with a raised eyebrow.
Zetsu and Kisame nodded, Naruto asked, "And, why didn't he capture me when we were in Iron Country?"
Hold that thought… Tobi met Naruto in Iron Country!? What the hell!?
As if Naruto could read their minds, he said with a hand on his chin, "Yeah, he was there and told me about the two brothers that were the sons of the Sage of Six Paths, I mean from what I heard from Gaara is he could have pulled me in that space-time Jutsu thing and place me at your base. He said he's going to pit me against Sasuke and left."
The two members of Akatsuki paused in a moment of silence and looked at each other, unnerved at the fact that Madara could have captured Naruto that day and have made it easier for them. Kisame and Zetsu began swearing colourful words like a sailor on Groundhog Day. It was amusing to say the least when Kisame was venting his anger on the foliage right next to Zetsu who was holding his head.
Naruto's irises then turned to yellow, his pupil expanding sideways as his upper eyelids gained a red hue. Activating his Sage Mode
"So, are we going to do this or not?"
Kisame and Zetsu stare at the boy in a couple of seconds…
It would not be a happy day for Kisame and Zetsu.
By the time that they went home, Kisame was limping, Zetsu's left leaf was torn from him and was dragged all the way home and Samehada was literally grappled on Kisame's back and shredded some part of his skin every time he took a step after Naruto shaved and kept it stuck there for most of the fight.
Madara was staring of into space as that happened, it must have been his catatonia triggering again, Zetsu had heard from Madara's personal physician that it would somehow be a side-effect of his medications. That or Madara just suffered from another type of schizophrenia.
Zetsu and Kisame would soon hate the guy. After another failed attempt in capturing the Eight Tails host, Akatsuki began falling apart under Madara's command. For one, declaring war against basically everybody without a country backing you was so grandiosely stupid, that the first bijuu that they sent was immediately sealed, and with that Uchiha brat being synchronized to Gedo Mazo (Demonic Path of the Outer Realm), it was as if it was the only thing that made Madara clung to his dream.
What happened to Pein and the former Akatsuki? They were absolutely ruthless! Total badasses, that's what they were! Now, well… Nothing could be compared to how absurd and ineffective the current organization was.
"Okay, the Eight Tails has been retrieved by the alliance. It'll be hard in capturing him, but the Kyuubi is said to leave again, they are going to take it and hide it somewhere safe. Kisame, Zetsu, you guys are going to capture the nine-tails, again. This time, I don't want any failures."
Zetsu and Kisame exited the cave as the fish man said to the plant man, "I'm starting to hate my job."
Zetsu asked in a deadpan voice, "You're realizing it now?"
"Ha! Good one!"
"Shut up both of you." Kisame muttered as he sighed, he just recovered from his bout with the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki and he was about to face that little bastard again? Looks like that glasses chick from Oto is going to have another set of bite marks somewhere on her body. And honestly? Kisame would rather NOT, that girl is a pain to listen to. Zabuza's apprentice had the right mind to try and kill her; she was just annoying to be around.
"I swear; if ever I find out that the old coot meets up with the Jinchuuriki without capturing it again, I'm going to quit!" Zetsu ranted on, Kisame, for once, agreed with his new partner.
"Oh, you just missed him." Stated Kakashi as he raised his headband over his left eye revealing his Sharingan.
Kisame sighed; he then kicked the small pebble away from him to another area in frustration.
"So… where'd the little bastard go?" Asked Zetsu
"You idiot, like they'll ever tell you that!"
Yamato then stepped forward, "I'm sorry, but if you're going to find him, I'm afraid we're going to have to stop you."
Kisame laughed and pointed to Kakashi, "Like you two will be able to stop us!"
Kakashi coughed a little. Kisame, unfortunately, didn't recognize the hat that Kakashi wore, "You're speaking to the Rokudaime (Sixth). And we're not alone."
"Oh fu…" Kisame couldn't finish his cursing as he saw countless ninja surrounding them.
"Now close your eyes, more than usual and count to ten backwards. It'll be over before it reaches three." Kakashi mentioned with a smile as Tenzou began sequencing his hands in a series of seals.
"I hate my job." Kisame said and sighed in defeat, Zetsu then replied, "Just so you know, I blame you for this."
"Yeah! I knew I should have been a fucking gardener!"
It was then that Akatsuki that fell apart.
Kakashi smiled inwardly, once Gaara had reported this to him, they were all prepared on what to do. Kakashi received this small pamphlet by the side of the road and immediately opened it, it was an invitation to a civilian school, Kakashi raised an eyebrow at this, civilian schools were made for people with high social standards, it meant that the school was most likely meant for nobles that are most likely to finish an accounting job within their own clan or become a business merchant and hopefully strike gold like Gatou did once. Too bad for him though, he's dead, all that money had to go somewhere, and in between Tazuna's pilfering drinking habits from the funds, rebuilding Wave Country and Naruto's near god like level of luck, the money from the dead man was split.
Kakashi thoughtfully contemplated on this and said to the blonde back then
Flashback Three days ago:
"What happened to you?" Asked Kakashi, as he swivelled in his chair and looked at Naruto who seemed to have some cuts and bruises on his face and body.
"The fish guy and that plant thing from Akatsuki, that's what."
Kakashi, alarmed, stood up and said, "Why didn't you send for back up?"
The blonde shrugged and said, "Didn't need to, they were too busy cursing Madara's name and I jumped them at their most vulnerable."
"Apparently, cursing Madara's name." Naruto answered
Kakashi sat down and seemed relieved. He then put out that pamphlet that he had been contemplating about earlier, "Naruto, I think we may have a shot on this whole Ninja War Four thing."
Naruto merely rolled his eyes, the obvious answer was yes, Madara wasn't exactly a good planner, his grandiose scheme was immediately shot down when he used the Seven Tails at the start of the war ALONE and it ended, ironically enough, getting sealed.
Mass producing bijuu his ass, after that fiasco, the next batch of bijuu were not towering behemoths that could crush towns in a mere step, they were more… Bite sized, like the size of a small puppy. But they were in large numbers so they were still deadly… If you don't kick hard enough.
"Well, as long you're here and the Akatsuki knows your whereabouts, they'll still be after you. So I made up a plan to send you away for some undisclosed period of time and came up with this."
Kakashi handed the blonde a pamphlet, Naruto raised an eyebrow at this and read.
"You're sending me to school?" He asked in a deadpan voice.
Kakashi merely smiled behind his mask, as Naruto continued to read.
"Kakashi-sensei, forgive me for being rude and accusing, but this school looks like one of those scenarios you and Ero-sennin would most likely enjoy." Said the blonde, flipping the pamphlet and revealed a cute girl posing in front of the school wearing a short skirt.
Kakashi could feel a sweat drop falling from the back of his head and said, "Well, it's just a bonus, Naruto. You get to hide there and view sexy girls in short skirts, two for the price one."
"Yeah but… Shouldn't I be here, on this war, I mean?" Naruto looked thoughtful for a moment and Kakashi answered for him, "No, you don't have to. We just need you to avoid Madara at least… Until he gives up and he forgets about his plan and move on. You know how old people are."
Naruto touched his chin for a moment, deep in thought and then said, "Well, I don't like where this is going, but heck, if this doesn't send a big 'fuck you' to the old coot, I don't know what would. You sure you guys are going to be fine without me?"
Kakashi reassured the blonde and said, "Yes, now go, the alliance has another meeting later today and I'm anticipating the Mizukage."
Naruto snorted at that, "Maybe if you stop gawking at her and actually talk to her then you won't feel like a stalker."
"Nah, I'm not the commitment type of guy." Kakashi said dismissively and Naruto sighed, "Why does it feel like you threw me in a pit of snakes?"
"If you want to make it literal, Anko is always available you know." Kakashi said, Naruto shuddered, "No thanks, I'll begin packing. When do you think they'll come and pick me up?"
Kakashi grabbed the pamphlet from the blonde's hand, "Three days from now. Your registration's already submitted."
Naruto cursed his luck and said as he got out, "Damn it! I need to prepare!"
"Remember, Naruto! Don't use Ninjutsu unless you're in a pinch!"
Three days later, before Kisame and Zetsu arrived:
The Konoha Eleven gathered by the western gate to see one of their members to go. Today was the day Naruto would leave in incognito. It would be hard to keep in touch with him, Kakashi however, provided that solution by signing the toad contract and the son of the Yondaime would be writing to them on a monthly basis.
"Well, this is goodbye for now. I guess?" Naruto said unsurely, wearing a green blazer over his white long sleeved button up shirt and matching pants, he didn't wear the strange red clothing as he didn't know how to put it on. Geez, civilian aristocrats are so weird sometimes.
Kiba then grabbed Naruto by the shoulder and whispered something,
"You got a camera right? And you'll send me photos of that place, right? I heard the girls there wear skirts, man! You better be mailing those letters!"
Naruto answered, somewhat hesitantly, "Eh… Yeah… I'll do that."
Kiba whooped and jumped on Akamaru.
Shikamaru scratched the back of his neck and said to Naruto in a half lidded gaze, "Take care of yourself over there, you troublesome blonde. If you're still the same then make sure not to be prone to trouble as you were when we were kids."
Naruto grinned at Shikamaru's statement and said, "I'll try, you lazy bastard. You take care of yourself, I heard you gained another fan, Shiho was it?"
Shikamaru groaned at that when Ino said, "What!? How come I never heard of this, Shika?"
Sakura rolled her eyes, "Obviously you weren't listening to the gossip that day; Shiho has a big crush on Shikamaru."
"And Naruto learned it before I did!? How come?" Ino asked obviously, if Naruto knew, that meant everybody knew as well.
"I found out when Kiba visited the decryption department. He immediately noticed how Shiho acted around Shikamaru so he put it together and kept teasing Shikamaru about it since." Naruto grinned, oh boy, never dismiss rumours as they are sometimes. It may still be rumours but rumours tend to have truths in them. When Ino said to him that she knew Hinata liked him back then, well… Shit.
"N-Naruto-kun… About what happened back then…?"
Speaking of Hinata, after THAT incident, Naruto had been restless about it. Sure he had a crush on Sakura, but Hinata had done something that made him think about women otherwise! And those globular mounds that Hinata had, were hypnotizing him it was as if it was inviting him to lay his head against it!
"I-I'm sorry Naruto-kun, what?" Hinata asked in a puzzled expression as Naruto looked at her in a daze. The blonde snapped his head out of his funk and said,
"Ah, don't worry about it Hinata, in truth, I don't know how to respond… I mean, I'm still confused about it. You got to realize I wasn't exactly raised in a familiar environment." Naruto mentioned, scratching the back of his head in embarrassment. Hinata shook her head, "Its okay, Naruto-kun… I'll wait for your reply. Until then, please think about it."
Ino looked between the two and said, "Woah, look at the atmosphere between those two..."
"Leave them alone gossip girl, let them have their moment." Tenten mentioned rolling her eyes as Lee was beginning to be emotional again.
Their teammate Neji merely shook Naruto's hand and blocked anything that had to do with his green clad teammate. It took a lot of patience and will to be tolerant with Lee. Then again, the same could be said to Naruto. Though the blonde was more… Tolerable to say the least. The younger ninja didn't at least spout that nonsense. Though he had heard that Naruto had acquired that ghastly green leotard himself. Neji shuddered at the thought.
He could only imagine the horror of being around a Naruto wearing that green leotard, it was disturbing in that aspect for the fact that Naruto could do Kage Bunshin with that. Neji already regretted having the thought of it.
"Ah! My rival is strengthening his endurance by banging his head on the wall! Therefore, I shall do it twice as much as Neji-kun!" Shouted Lee.
Lee was already on another set of his self-imposed rules.
"Oh boy, I better stop those two, anyway, take care of yourself, Naruto, and write often." Sakura said as she motioned for the two older ninja and stopped them from doing any further brain damage.
Naruto then said his goodbyes to the rest and a very weird vehicle immediately stopped in front of the blonde.
"Huh? Is this a train?" The blonde asked, the mysterious driver gave him a menacing grin that made Naruto shudder, man that guy was scary
"This is a bus, young man. How would you like to take a seat out back, did you say goodbye to your friends and family? Because this might be your last!" The man then gave a laugh that sent bones chilling down Naruto's spine. The blonde visibly paled as the door behind him closed, Naruto was about to go out and make a run for it. He would try to break out but the bus' acceleration forced him to the floor of the bus.
Panicked, Naruto ran towards the other end of the bus and saw his friends waving at him.
"Hey, isn't Naruto panicking?" Kiba mentioned, as they watched their friend banging on the fibreglass window and saying something along the lines of…
"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Naruto shouted from the window, but it was already too late, the bus was already accelerating to a pace that no normal human could ever pick up to.
As the bus began to pick up speed, Naruto began crying rivers of tears as he began to hug his knees and said,
"I'm gonna' die, I'm gonna' die!"
The bus driver chuckled and said, "It isn't that bad blondie, well… As long as you're on your toes, humans aren't exactly a common species in the school."
Naruto paled as the bus went towards that long dark tunnel. In the midst of the darkness, Naruto could have sworn his life was flashing before his very eyes, before he could end his reminiscing of another bowl of Ichiraku ramen before meeting the inevitable; the light at the end of the tunnel blinded him.
As the bus made to a stop, Naruto cautiously stepped down from the bus, seeing as lightning crackle above a building, making an effect that made Naruto shiver.
"Damn it, you think Kakashi-sensei would have the common sense in enrolling me in a school that says, 'Youkai Academy'. Why couldn't I get a normal school?" The blonde whined as he began his trek on the school. Once he was introduced to his apartment, the blonde grabbed his school bag and went towards the main campus.
He looked at the trees that held no leaves in them. Naruto commented just how ugly the place was. And how distraught he was just being near the place.
Imagine his surprise would be to just what the student body actually was.
When he went inside the structure, he whistled at the school's huge campus. The place was something he never saw around the elemental countries during his travels with Jiraiya, he looked around as he walked inside, students eyeing him curiously. Being blonde made him stand out too much. Having such a bright colour for his hair along with the spiky appearance was bound to get attention.
The blonde sighed as he walked through the hallways of Youkai Academy, mindful of the stares, curious or unfriendly, until he arrived at the faculty room. Once he opened the door, he saw a teacher who was seemingly amused playing with a ball of yarn. Her… Hair, or whatever it was, was twitching as she heard the door slightly open. Her tail seemingly stood erect as a student entered the faculty and watched in fascination as whiskered student uncomfortably watched the teacher that was looking at her with a smile.
"Uh… Yeah, I'm Uzumaki Naruto. I'm a new student here from my hometown; could you please tell me where my classroom is? I think its section, 1-3?"
The teacher raised her eyebrow and said, "A first year, huh? Well, they won't start until two more days, I'm afraid you're out of luck…" She looked on the name of the boy based on the paper he had given her
"Uzumaki-san… How about you join with me for my class for a while? We don't allow first years to loiter around school campus anyway, so you're going to have to join a class for a while till' the first years start their class."
Naruto shrugged, he didn't care, in his mind; he'd just skip that class and goof off while his Kage Bunshin does the work.
'Oh right no Ninjutsu, my bad' God, this was going to be boring as shit! He hated school!
As he entered the classroom that the cat-woman-teacher… Thing, went into. Her enthusiastic nature kicked in as she welcomed the second year students at Youkai Academy.
The thing about what the teacher caught his attention most was this statement,
"This school is a school exclusively for Youkai! If a human manages to find out about the existence of this place, they are going to die a horrible and miserable death!"
Naruto seemed to turn pale at that moment; he really, really, wished that he could use his Ninjutsu without a hitch. That Kage Bunshin really sounds good right about now,
Then again, nobody needed to know he'll be using Ninjutsu; he'll just have to pass it up to the class as his ability! Now what will he call himself if ever one of these freaks of nature ask him?
Then he remembered that seal in his gut, reminding him that he was chained to a prisoner of a fifty foot tall monster fox.
A Kitsune! That's it! Nobody would even dare mess with a Kitsune! He could be left alone in one piece!
Little did Naruto know of the consequences of how this particular decision that would escalate around the campus. May God have mercy on his poor soul.
He was broken out of his musings when the teacher said, "Why don't you introduce yourself, Naruto-san?"
Naruto replied in almost aloof manner, careful not to show anything solely sounding remote as him digging his own grave.
"Uzumaki Naruto, I'm a first year and came from a village far from here and I don't particularly like to talk about myself a lot."
Phase one: use Kakashi's tactic in introduction, check.
"So does that mean you won't tell us about who you truly are?" Asked one random student, Naruto just raised his left eyebrow and said,
"I don't care, I'm a kitsune."
Phase two: use stoic, passive and regular attitude about overly strong lineage, check
This got everyone riled up from their seats as they stood up and the blonde shrugged.
"Well that would explain the whisker marks, but why blonde?"
Naruto shrugged again, "I just like maintaining this form? Any more questions? Good! Nekonome-sensei, where's my seat?"
Luckily for Naruto, school hours were just half a day today and he would be inclined to just go to his apartment and send a letter to the Hokage telling him a piece of his mind. Being sent to a school full of monsters was definitely not what he had imagined.
"Goddamn Hokage not doing a thorough job." The blonde muttered as he went away from the classroom. He had thought about some of the students being an entertaining bunch, one of his classmates in particular, a real ordinary looking guy, had been fawned over by four girls, well, one was hiding behind a desk as if she was stalking the guy, but vying for his attention nonetheless.
As he headed towards his new apartment, he heard a voice that seemed panicking,
"Hey, could someone get me down here before these spiky things pierce through my skull and I die a horrible death, desu?"
Well that was a very descriptive way of putting her situation into perspective. When Naruto turned around, he found out it was the loli witch from his class. Naruto wasn't particularly good with names, but from what he can remember, the girl's name started with a Y.
"It's Yukari, you idiot!"
Oh right, Yukari! Damn, so he did speak his thoughts about that one. And that brick that he seemed to have received on the top of his head was something to behold as well.
Goddamn magic girls!
"Could you please get me down here, desu?" Pleaded the loli witch, to which the blonde kicked the icicles with his enhanced chakra and got Yukari down.
"So, you mind telling me why you were near the brink of death?" Naruto questioned, and the little girl gave a sheepish look as she walked towards the opposite direction and said to the blonde that followed her,
"Yeah, about that, funny story actually, desu…"
Naruto smirked, "Humor me, Yukari."
Oh, he was so going to laugh his ass off at this after it was over.
A few moments later:
Naruto was laughing his ass off as he heard Yukari's story of giving that vampire woman or whatever that is, an aphrodisiac. Said girl began to be pushy towards to the guy he'd like to call, gigolo since he didn't know the guy's name and seemed to get a lot of attractive women, and have her way with him. That resulted in the two girls that vied for gigolo's attention getting angry at Yukari and placed her in a death trap.
Naruto howled in laughter,
"It's not funny, desu!"
A cement block fell over his head and completely shattering it.
Naruto held his bloody head, the stains of blood coating his spiky locks.
It was then that they heard this conversation as they went closer and closer to the clearing, "As if I would let a lowly human like you to ever touch this body, if you want to make me yours Tsukune, then you have to seduce me."
Cue sounds of flesh smashing on flesh.
As Tsukune lay there in a bloody heap, Naruto immediately stopped, letting Yukari come forward on her own as he laid his back on the adjacent wall.
He had stumbled upon a huge secret to one of his classmates, Gigolo was a human who was in a school full of monsters, and although he was a bit glad that there was a fellow human on board a school full of monsters that normally came from children's horror books, he was confused just how this lucky bastard still remained alive.
'Probably comes with the Harem structure.' Commented the blonde it was then that he felt the spike of energy heading straight at him.
Naruto panicked as he hoped that his transformation ability worked in time. With a panicked voice laced in his head, he shouted,
The wall was then shattered from Moka's brutal strength tearing through the concrete like Tsunade ramming her fists on to a wall.
Naruto and Jiraiya soon gained a respect for walls after that. They seemed to sympathize with them quite often. Jiraiya with Tsunade, Naruto with Sakura, it was a good tandem, really. Master beating a fellow master, apprentice beating a fellow apprentice. It was as if Sakura was programmed by Tsunade to ram her fists on any of Jiraiya's pupils, as was Jiraiya programming Naruto's mind to become his successor in all things perverted and erotic book writing.
Once the dust cleared, they saw a small fox kit that had spirals in its eyes, completely knocked out. What was surprising though, was the fact that the canine had nine furry red tails.
"Wow, that was harsh of you Moka; you really need to learn to control that temper of yours." Kurumu noted
The silver haired vampire glare icily at Kurumu as the slit in her ruby red eyes, constricted towards Kurumu.
"On second thought, don't bother. Be angry, as long as you want, be angry for the heck of it! Just don't vent it on me!"
"I'm glad you know your place, succubus." Mentioned the vampire, her voice condescending.
The vampire then grabbed the unconscious form of the small fox by the back of its neck and tossed it to the girls.
"Foolish kitsune, did you think you could fool me?"
Naruto instantly woke up,
"Man and I thought you would just left me alone like that. Don't like to deal with women who have the strength to crush your bones. I've had enough of those, thank you very much."
Another poof was heard revealing Naruto who was touching the back of his neck and dusted himself off of the debris that the violent strong woman induced on the poor wall.
The vampire's eyes narrowed at him. Naruto got the idea that he'd have a meeting with the ground in a few short moments.
"Little Kitsune who stumbled upon a secret not meant for others, do you know that I can't let you escape knowing full well of what you have learned?"
"That you're excessively violent?" He really, really hoped that she would buy that one; the vampire smirked and cracked her knuckles, walking forward in a calm manner as her Youki flared outwards
"Cheeky little Kitsune, are we?"
Naruto panicked, "Can't we talk about this?"
Naruto inwardly cursed, this was a seriously fucked up situation he had trapped himself into, he wondered what Kakashi must be thinking right now and decided if he survived this, he was going to kick Madara's ass, crazed megalomaniac or not.
"I can't have you roaming this school with a secret that big, you are threatening my food supply. No one. Is to bother. My. Property."
"What, Gigolo over there is human? Nope, not gonna tell, you have a Kitsune's word! I'll even do bodyguard missions!"
"Oh, I don't need just your word… I need your mouth shut… Permanently." Moka gave that sinister grin as she cocked her fist back; Naruto looked around and then found Tsukune struggling on his feet.
"Hey, you!" Naruto pointed to Tsukune who had recently recovered, "Damage control would be perfectly fine by now, you know!"
Tsukune ran up towards the charging Moka, Who was distracted for a brief moment, "Wait Moka-san… We should probably give him a chance!"
"Thank you! That's just what I need!" Naruto reminded as he slipped from Moka's grip and evaded just in time from Moka's skull crushing punch. The blonde landed on top of the tree branch and stood up
"Sorry, but I'm not gonna' get myself killed right now. I promise I won't tell though, I've never been one to break promises. So see ya!" Naruto uttered raising his hand in a single hand seal and vanished in a cloud of smoke.
"You think he was serious about him not telling Tsukune's deepest, darkest secret?" Asked Kurumu, the fact that the boy that knew of Tsukune's secret was scary, it was only the start of the second year,
Mizore answered, "Most probably, I've heard kitsune, once given their word, are sworn to a pact. They are the opposite of Youko, Kitsune serve under the god of prosperity, Inari. It is said that once a kitsune graces the sight of one person, good things will happen."
"Wow, no wonder I was unharmed, desu!" Yukari mentioned, telling them what happened when Kurumu and Mizore place her in that doom device that would have skewered her head.
God, the first day of school was already a sign that shit still had to hit the fan! And Naruto was directly in front of the said thing, not only was it boring as fuck, he learned something he shouldn't have! He should have just let that loli witch get her deserving surgery; it would have saved him from meeting that violent woman a while back, he didn't even do anything to warrant any kind of trouble!
With a sigh, Naruto plopped down his bed face first as his mind raced. To him, kicking Madara's ass right now was a pretty good idea. He turned on his bed and stared upwards, as he thought about some of the things that would relieve his stress from what just happened.
His mind brainstormed for any ideas that would come to mind, back when he was in Konoha, the stress reliever that he had was watering plants, now it may seem that the plant life here are different or lack of thereof, but he did not want anything to do with the shrubbery of a school that had a plant that can eat him whole. So he threw the idea of having a plant for easing his stress levels out of the window. He then scratched his chin and stared upwards as he thought up more of his stress relieving activities.
What followed next would be Naruto having a 'eureka moment' and sat up, his grin turned sinister as his eyes seemed to sparkle. Oh, he knew of a great way to relieve his stress, it's just that after three years of not doing it, he felt he was getting out of touch, maybe he should do the basics again with toilet paper…
Nah, that's really boring, but he did have an idea on what to do with other things that involved the bathroom, vinegar, Baking Soda, and laxatives, good, uninhibited, pure fun laxatives.
The next day:
One guy raced to the bathroom as he felt that cafeteria casserole surprise was a real doozy to his stomach. He didn't know what that was, but he felt his stomach was quickly ejecting it on his butt as if it said to him
Surprise, bitch! Prepare for a natural disaster! Mount Anus is going to blow in 3… 2…
Geez, considering cafeteria food, it wasn't that different from human schools, that in fact, it sucked! Unbuckling his belt clumsily, he brought down his pants as fast as if he was about to have sex with a school idol, Akashiya Moka or Kuremi Kurumu. As he sat down, he felt that relief as he emptied the contents of his bowels in a watery, blotchy, wet manner. He sighed in relief, like he felt himself walking on cloud nine as he did his business.
Once he was ready to leave, he flushed down the contents of his backside but felt something rumble from the bowl, looking down, the toilet bowl suddenly ejected its earlier contents upwards like a geyser hitting the man in the face along with his… Contents.
The following things soon happened within the school, the girls bathroom had experienced that same geyser effect on their side except they all went off at the same time, the people that ordered that cafeteria casserole surprise were now clamouring towards the bathroom like a stampede of rampaging bulls, and a blonde student up on the roof was laughing his ass off.
"Uzumaki Naruto has struck again! This time, he's going to raise hell in this school! Believe it!"
When Naruto said that last phrase, he was suddenly struck with lightning.
"Okay, so I guess I won't be saying that again…" Naruto coughed as he cleaned himself off the soot that covered him.
To be continued…
First time for a humor fic, and I'm doing this while in another town, it's kind of awkward when you write this in an internet café, good thing most of these people don't know me. Ah well, decided to do this to let out some steam, I'm still searching for a job and this is becoming quite a troublesome affair.