A HP (Heavenly Parody) In Three Acts
"Why are you even listening to him, the idiot fell through a portal? If you can't be smart enough to keep from falling through a portal, you shouldn't even be allowed an audience with you," I complained to my Creator, the one who is above all else. Why was he even listening to this British moron I wondered silently? All the fool could talk about was his godson.
"You know why I'm talking with him, he was supposed to remain to shepherd the boy," the Almighty reminded me and I looked at this long haired, tattoo covered man and wondered how in the heck he became a heavenly warden. "It was an unfortunate incident that caused him to fall through, now we need to send another teacher," was said to me, with a very pointed glance.
"Can't we just send him back?" I sneered at the mortal, seeing where this conversation was potentially going. I did not want to have to go and live among mortals, especially as an adolescent. I mean really, I'd been here since the beginning. I was among those who watched as one spark became a million stars in less time than it took these mortals to take a breath. I had seen the dawn of existence, so puberty was not something I felt the need to experience. Their small minds just couldn't comprehend what I'd seen and done; I didn't want to have to act like one of them.
"No, we can't just send him back, too many people saw him die. We need to send someone else who can train the boy, help him understand the skills he has, get him ready for the inevitable battle. Hell has its emissary on earth, I need to have mine," I was told, and the now dead mortal grinned at me with a cocky, yet seductive, smile.
"Fine," I grumbled, feeling nauseated at the idea that I would have to eat food, sleep and in all other ways be human. "What's my mission, your holiness?" I griped in a way that would tarnish the wings of many of my brethren here; but I knew that was why the almighty liked me, I wasn't afraid to let my real emotions out, and I always spoke my mind.
"You have nine months to help him understand his powers, and how they will help him when he must face off against the...evil one," I was told by the Creator. I looked at him rather dumbfounded.
"You know, he can't hurt you, especially not here, I said loudly and pointedly. "He's just a perverted human who has played with some dark power that he doesn't understand. He doesn't even realize what will happen to him if he succeeds, like Hell would ever let him actually enjoy the spoils of all of his mayhem. That name isn't even real, he made it up. You are allowed to say his name...the real name, TOM RIDDLE!"
"You're quite an uppity bird there, aren't you? You just took the mickey out of God." The man laughed at me, and I just glared at him.
"I'm nearly as old as God is, and my job is to tell God the ugly truths. You're one to talk, the only reason you're even given an audience is because of what you did on earth. Honestly, I can't believe that they turned to you..."
"Both of you!" God spoke, stopping me in my rant. "Can you try to get along with each other just for a few more minutes? Honestly, you've got an eternity to bicker, we need to help the boy now," the Preeminent reprimanded us. I bristled at the thought of having to endure twenty minutes, let alone the remainder of eternity with this insufferable lothario. I'd seen the way that he treated women while he was alive, heck he'd even seduced two women who worked at that prison, which was impressive given how disgusting his teeth looked at the time. I had been given the task of watching over him while he was there; thankfully I never had to reveal myself to him.
"Fine, fine," I answered, deciding one of us needed to be an adult here, and it was obvious that it wasn't going to be that man; I was older anyway, by several billion years, I should be able to put up with him. "He's just another flea," I whispered under my breath with a chuckle, although I think that he heard me, because he turned to glare at me. "Please, tell me about this Harry Potter and how I'm going to help him. What will my name be for this particular task?"
"Marie Suzette," I was told and I groaned again.
"What is it with you, always making me be French? If I have to go through what I went through in the Hundred Years War again...I really didn't enjoy having to watch as young Joan was burned at the stake, all part of your divine master plan...Harry needs to fare better, or I'll be very put out."
The kid was finally alone. I had been watching him now for three weeks, and he was never alone, there was always one of these odd red haired kids around him, or the parents, or one of the helpful adults, or a teacher, or the fiancée of one of the boys, who of course was French so I really had to study for this darned assignment, or she would know it. By the looks of it, they never left him alone.
Anyway, this kid was finally alone. I had to admit to myself, that if I was going to be stuck with working with a mortal, he wasn't bad. He seemed to be kind enough, and he really did understand that he was important to this mission, but he didn't have any idea how important just yet. If I was pressed, I would have to admit that he wasn't bad looking either; the messy black hair and the green eyes were quite alluring, but I would have to do something about those cheap, ugly, round glasses.
I looked the part of the French student to a tee. Long gingery blonde hair that hung nearly to my waist, bright blue-green eyes that were not a natural color on earth, but hey, I could make myself look like anything I wanted to, so I picked the color of the Mediterranean Sea. That stupid human who got me into this mess commented on how pretty they were, I should have changed them right then and there, but I was so shocked that he complimented me that I didn't bother. I wasn't tall or short, but just the right height so that boys would look at me, which of course was the point. I had to play up the beauty part here, help Harry realize that he was good enough for relationships, good enough to be loved, since that was part of the trick of his powers, feeling powerful, everlasting love. He'd already met the girl, he was living in her house for heaven's sake, he was just too shy to do anything about it. It fell to me to take care of that as well. Oh, and I had perfect, perky breasts -- just because I could; the human cad didn't comment on them, but he couldn't take his eyes off of them either.
So the kid was finally alone, walking around the far side of the paddock at the home of the red headed clan that was sheltering him. I knew that I was going to scare him, and he would most likely try and use his pitiful magic on me, but that was fine, I could just pull out some real powers on him and see what he did then. I stepped from behind a tree and stood in his path.
"Greetings, Harry, most favored one of the Lord on High," I told him, repeating the ancient words that we were to use whenever we first made contact with a human. I personally thought that they were stupid and stiff; it would be the last of the script that I would be using with him.
"Huh?" he responded and I bristled at his lack of eloquence.
"Hello, Harry. My name is Marie Suzette, and I am your guardian angel. I've been sent from heaven to help you learn your powers and to prepare for the coming battle between good and evil." I figured if I spoke more plainly he might understand. Instead he pulled his wand out of his pocket and pointed it at me.
"What did you say your name is? Why are you on the Weasley's property? If I were to scream they'd all be here in a second," he threatened and I just stood there, trying to keep him from hurting himself, for he certainly couldn't hurt me. He conjured what I had learned was a patronus charm, and the beautiful stag sauntered over to me, bowed its head and then let me pet it. The poor boy stood there, completely awestruck as the charm dissipated.
"My name is Marie Suzette, and I am an archangel of the Lord. I have been sent to help prepare you for the coming battle. You conjure a fine patronus, but it won't work against me, since I am made from the same matter as it. We are both products of love," I explained to him and he sat down on the ground. "You won't get in trouble with the Ministry either, I shield your magic from registering."
"I knew that I was going crazy, Sirius' death hit me harder than I thought. Crap, what am I going to do? I can't go crazy now, I don't have anywhere to go, and I'm captain of the Quidditch team and ..." he was rambling.
"It is your Sirius," I said inwardly cringing at that...man, "that sent me to you. When he came to us, all he cared about was you and making sure that you were protected," I explained and his head popped up.
"How could you have talked to Sirius, he's dead?"
"Well, yes, that's true; but that's exactly how I talked with him. I told you, I'm an archangel, the left hand of the Lord, actually. I get all of the dirty and difficult jobs that the right hand, Michael, doesn't want. Anyway, when your Sirius fell through the portal, he ended up with us and he begged us to send someone to come and help you understand your powers, which is why I'm here. I don't understand why you look up to him though, he's an insufferable clod," I told him, and thinking about the man made my skin itch. Harry let out a little laugh.
"That sounds like him," he said with a warm smile. It was nice to see the boy smile. "So, if you're an angel, can you do...stuff?"
"Like what kind of stuff would you like me to do?"
"I don't know, can you make it snow?" he asked and I looked at him oddly.
"You could ask for anything in the world, and you wanted snow?" I asked and he nodded at me. "No turning stones to bread or fixing the hole in the earth's ozone or taking you to the moon, just snow?"
"Yeah, I don't really care about any of that other stuff, but a bit of snow would be nice," Harry responded and I waved my fingers and it began softly snowing on him, and only him. He looked at me quizzically.
"It's an isolated meteorological phenomenon," I told him dryly and he laughed.
"Yes, rather smart too; and I have a rather wicked tongue," I replied and he laughed again, it was a nice laugh, sweet and real. I really couldn't help but like this child. "So, do you believe me now?"
"Um," he started and I realized that one of the first things that I would have to do is make sure that he learned how to speak properly or I would be insane by the end of this assignment. "Sure, so Sirius sent you to me?"
"Well, technically, no, God sent me to you, but Sirius asked that someone be sent in his place. He was to be your watcher and warden," I said feeling repulsed that he was the one who was trusted, "but then he fell through the darned portal and he was owed by God, so you got me. Consider yourself lucky, I am much more fun than the other archangel that could have been sent. He loves the rules and you'd have had no fun with him," I explained, laughing in my head at what Michael would have done with this particular assignment.
"So, what are these powers that I have?" he asked me, and I decided that I didn't want to sit on the ground in the middle of a forest, so I transported us to the house in Paris that I was using to create a history for myself, in case anyone tried to affirm that I was indeed a girl from France, transferring in from Beauxbatons. Harry's mouth hung open, but I wasn't sure if it was from the house or from being instantaneously brought here.
"Where the bloody hell are we?" he yelled at me and I looked at him sternly.
"I will tolerate a lot of things coming out of your mouth, but can you please refrain from using the word H-E-L-L" I spelled out, "around me, please?" I asked and he looked down at the floor. "Professional courtesy and all."
"Uh, um, yeah, sorry," he stammered, and I felt bad for correcting the young man, but I really did need to do something about his speaking ability.
"Well, since we've covered that, why don't we have a seat and we'll discuss things," I said as I pointed to two toile covered chairs that looked out onto the gardens.
Harry took a seat and a cup of tea appeared before him, which he immediately took a sip of. "That's the Eiffel Tower."
"Yes, it is, we're in a house in Paris, well actually, we're in your house in Paris; but I'll get to that part soon enough. Since you're not quite of age yet, you're not supposed to have some of these things, but, I really don't care about your inane human rules," I told him honestly.
"I own a house, in Paris? And I own Grimmauld Place? Wow, I own two houses," the poor boy said, sounding surprised. What I had to tell him next would likely send him into shock.
"Harry, you own much more than two houses. You in fact, own 37 properties around the world, including the Louvre -- your great-grandfather helped build it, and thereby took ownership of it. The most interesting piece of property that you own however is one that you've inherited through your godfather."
"Okay, what do I own?"
"You own St. Peter's Basilica in Rome," I told him, and he began to stutter at me.
"Wha...wha...wha..." I took a deep breath to get this over as quickly as I could. The entire situation makes me ill.
"The Roman Catholic church was broke, too many bad investments and a seriously over fortified 'pope mobile' purchase, and they required an influx of cash. There were only three people in the world who had enough money to provide the capital that they needed quickly enough, one of them was your..." I stopped myself from adding the adjectives that were crossing my mind, since the boy was clearly taken with the man. "...godfather. He gave the church the money that they needed, but, in return he held the deed to the Basilica. Upon his death, it reverted to you, with the understanding that you cannot sell the Basilica to anyone else, and the church can buy it back from you when they have enough money. He gave them extremely fair terms, which was taken as a sign of grace from the One who is above all else. Needless to say, God felt a semblance of obligation to the man, so, that's how I ended up here with you. Right now we are sitting in the French version of Potter Manor, there is an British one as well, not far from Holyhead, Wales. It's cared for by your um, slaves, oh sorry, house elves and when you are ready, you will be able to move in."
"I...I...I..." he stammered again.
"We really need to work on your communication skills there boy. Now, I only have nine months to help you get ready for the impending battle. You will have another teacher in this endeavor, but I cannot tell you who it is or what they will be teaching you, only that when the time is right, all will be revealed. Do you have any questions?" I asked and he looked at me with his mouth hanging open. I sat there with him for a full two minutes, but he said nothing, just stared at me. "Alrighty then, um, first things first, you really will look much better without those hideous glasses. May I fix your eyes?"
I took his silence to indicate his agreement with my plan and with nothing more than a thought in my head, Harry had perfect eyesight. He immediately started squinting and blinking his eyes. I removed the offensive eyewear immediately.
"What did you do? How did you do that?" he asked, and I shook my head in irritation at his small-mindedness.
"Harry, I'm an archangel. Manipulating things in this world is as simple for me as your heart beating. I've done battle with demons and sent Lucifer to the netherworld myself. Your eyesight was hardly a challenge. Now, let me explain how this will happen," I laid out the plan with him. I toyed with the memories of the humans that he was living with, made them never question where Harry was during the day or what it was that was occupying his time. The only one who was ever suspicious was the young girl, the other chosen one, his beloved. She wasn't fooled; no matter how hard I worked on her mind, it was her heart that told her there was something different about Harry. She was going to be an issue, and it drove home just how unpleasant adolescent girls could be. I was nauseated that I was going to have to live as one. The act of being nauseated made me even more disgusted. I worked with Harry through the rest of the summer, often in the house in France, but in other locations as well. I wasn't sure that he had indeed learned anything, but it was time for us to head to Hogwarts for the fall.
I chose not to take the train with the rest of the students, instead arriving on my own at the school. I had dressed myself in what would have been considered fashionable in France for a young woman; and it became immediately apparent that I would be overdressed here. Drab, dark and unflattering seemed to be the outfit of choice. I walked to the Headmaster's office and the statue shifted aside to let me rise. When I reached the top of the stairs, the other ancient one that was watching Harry greeted me.
"Hello there my friend, I have so missed seeing you," I said, stroking his face.
"I have missed you too. How are things at home?" he asked and I filled him in on all of the heavenly gossip. God was never thrilled that I engaged in gossip, but at the same time, whenever quick information was needed, I was the one that was turned to. I reminisced with my friend until we were interrupted by another human. Before I even had to explain myself, my friend had started to explain to him.
The old man looked at me, and then looked at what he believed was his bird, not quite sure of the tale that he was being told. I listened carefully, and when it seemed that it would be all right, I began to speak.
"Please, don't be afraid or upset at me, I was sent to help young Harry through his preparation time. With the loss of his watcher, he needed someone on earth to help him understand his powers," I told the Headmaster and he smiled gently at me.
"Of course, what assistance may I provide?" he asked.
"I will need to appear as a student here, but I would prefer to be in the same house as Harry. It will make things easier for us to be able to get our lessons done," I told him and he nodded at me.
"You hear that, Hat, she needs to be in Gryffindor," the man said, speaking to a grungy leather hat that was on his shelf, and I looked back at my friend who was posing as a phoenix to make sure that the man hadn't lost his marbles. He assured me that he hadn't.
I explained to him what I would be teaching Harry, and he returned the courtesy. I was introduced to the rest of the staff, and they were all pleasant enough, except for the greasy man who was teaching defense. I'm sure that part of his reaction was due to his skin burning when he came within a few feet of me. I stopped time, well it appeared that way if another mortal had walked in on us, in reality, I simply slipped us from the linear progression of time that they were accustomed to and moved us into the plane of existence that we immortals existed upon and spoke to the man.
"Do you know that anyone who has been touched by pure evil cannot stand to have any pure light near them?" I questioned him.
"What are you?" he asked me, realizing that what was going on around him wasn't normal. I had to give him credit, no stupid stammering, no looking around and gawking, just a straight forward question. He wasn't too awful of a human to help.
"What I am isn't really important, just simply know that I am. I can remove that stain from you, make it so that it doesn't burn in my presence."
"I can't. I need to wear it, I need to be able to find the one who put it here," he told me, sounding resigned to his lot. I felt pity for him, but I hid it, knowing it would disgust him. He reminded me of another pawn, in a game played between good and evil years and years ago. He too would die, and everyone believed that he was a traitor as well.
"You'll burn, whenever I'm near you, your skin will blister and peel."
"I can heal it," he replied drolly.
"The choice is yours," I told him and he gave me a curt nod. I slipped us back into time, and moved a healthy distance away from him. There was no reason that I needed to cause excessive pain. I also silently asked that someone come to heal him nightly, since his feeble potions and balms really wouldn't heal what my presence would do to him.
The rest of the students filed in, and I was required to stand with the first years in order to be introduced and sorted. It was humiliating to stand and have to listen to the obscene thoughts of a bunch of eleven year old boys who were ogling the human body I had created. I loathed that I could hear their thoughts, and decided that next to having to use the toilet, or loo as they called it here, this might be the worst part of being human.
As we walked into the great hall, I noticed that Harry wasn't there. Silently I communicated with my counterpart in the building, and he told me that he would go and search for him. A while later he reported to me that the boy was fine, and on his way in. I knew from my research that he was accident prone, and cursed that I couldn't take this affliction away from him.
As prearranged, I was sorted into Gryffindor, and all of the boys at the table stared at my hair, my breasts, or my bum. I wondered how any human girls ever ended up with these miscreants, but didn't have time to try and quiz them on it, as Harry was ushered into the room by the slimy morose man. After a moment, Harry made his way over to me, sitting down on the bench next to me.
"Hello, I'm Harry Potter," he said. We had already determined that Harry would need to act like he didn't know me.
"Hello, my name is Marie Suzette, I am here for a year from France." I spoke plainly, but to all of the children around me, I sounded as if I was speaking in broken English, with a thick accent; the lone exception being Harry. The whole thing was rather boring.
They quizzed me on where I had gone to school, and what classes there were like. The bushy haired girl whose smile didn't seem to fit her face, was impressed that I wanted to be challenged in my schooling, and chose to come to Hogwarts for a year. She was pleasant enough, and I decided that as a gift, I would slowly make her look more attractive this year. The hair could be tamed, her face could be fixed, her gait and posture could be adjusted; oh, and she would have a really nice set of breasts. These would be my gift to her, since the boy that she pined over seemed to enjoy looking at mine so. For him, I would teach him to eat with his mouth closed.
The only one who wasn't taken with me was the little red-headed girl, Ginny, the beloved of my human. She didn't like that Harry sat next to me, she didn't appreciate the way the boys were now looking at me -- rather than her, and she certainly didn't like that I seemed completely comfortable with all of the attention. Finally, a few people noticed that Harry wasn't wearing his glasses, and asked him about it. He told them that he'd decided to have Muggle surgery on them to fix them, and they all bought the story. I made a mental note about how unobservant and clueless they were, and knew that keeping my cover up wouldn't be as hard as I thought.
The meal ended and we were dismissed. Hermione, the girl with the bad hair and teeth, explained that we would be sharing a dorm. "Would you like to walk up with me?" she asked, and I was about to accept when Harry piped up.
"She's going to be taking Herbology, I thought that I would take her for a walk on the grounds," Harry said offering me his hand. I nodded and accepted it and we took off for the front door. It didn't escape me that even though Ginny was walking arm in arm with another boy, she was glaring at me holding Harry's hand. I silently groaned and reminded myself that it was all part of the mission.
When we were far enough away from the castle, Harry and I began talking. "So, can you tell me more about how I use this love power thing?" he asked me.
"Sure, it's simple really. The stronger that you love someone, any kind of love -- platonic, familial, romantic, passionate -- you can draw that love out and have it power your spells. Let me show you," I told him and brought my unclasped hand up to his heart. "Do you feel that?" I asked and he got this goofy, delirious smile on his face.
"Yeah, it feels all warm, and fuzzy and really good," he said, almost slurring his words together. I quickly backed off on the amount of love that I had given him, humans can't handle as much as we can, I reminded myself.
"Yes, well, concentrate on it, and think about doing a spell. Start with something that you know you can do comfortably," I told him, and I watched as the boy raised his wand and did a swish then flick motion at a small flower not far from us in the grass. To his surprise, all of the flowers in the bed lifted themselves from their dirt moorings and began to float in the air.
"That's just...brilliant," he said, sounding surprised and pleased with himself.
"It is. Okay, now, put them down and I'll explain to you how it works," I told him and he did as I had asked. When everything was aright, I removed my hand and indicated that we should continue to walk. "Love is the most powerful ancient magic that's left on earth, and we left it here on purpose. For a long while, humanity was able to find the spirit in all things, but then they got greedy and thought that they were better than the One that created them," I explained. I had hated those times, when we immortals would watch and weep at what had happened to the Creator's finest work. "Your magic is based on love, even though that knowledge was long ago lost by your people. What I'm going to teach you will help you find the love in all people, and to draw on it. You'll start slowly, with me and then with your friends. I will teach you to reach out and caress the love in us all."
"Okay, sounds a little, icky there Marie," he told me, and I nodded at him. I really needed him to speak more eloquently. I wonder if he'd be willing to read Shakespeare and use it as a template for his speech?
"Fine, but this is the easiest of the skills that you'll inherit," I told him and he stopped and cocked his eyebrow at me.
"Harry, really, you can do better than one word questions. Yes, there are more skills, but you're not learning about them until the time is right. Oh, and for one of them, you need to embrace your true love," I told him and he appeared ill at the thought.
"Uh...um...oh," he stammered. Definitely will need the Shakespeare.
We worked together; days turned into weeks, which turned into months. I would travel home, to ask for guidance and to simply hear the hum of of the cherubim wings; I so missed the sound. The Almighty seemed pleased with the progress we were making, although he begged me to get a certain book out of Harry's possession, saying that it would cause problems later on. I told him that I would do my best. The annoying human, no, the dead annoying human, was there to meet with me as well.
"You're really doing a fine job with him. He seems happy with you around," he told me and I just looked at him. He was even looking at my face, and not at my chest this time.
"Thank you," I replied. "It would seem that you instilled a great deal of hope in him as well. Clearly, you loved him."
"Yeah, well, I didn't love him, love him..." he stammered and I let out an exasperated sigh and turned and walked away, shaking my head. At least we'd put up with each other for nearly a minute; perhaps eternity wouldn't be so bad.