Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.
A/N: The SOS Brigade meets at a fat camp...
Oh, sweet lord, where do I begin?
This was originally going to be part of my other story, "You Got HaruhiRolled!", but since I had so many ideas for this, I decided to make it a standalone fic. Now you're all probably wondering, 'Why the hell would you make something like this?!'. Well, after seeing some rather frightening what if so-and-so was fat pictures on image boards, I decided it would be hilarious to parody the concept of weight-gain. That, and I was inspired by a crack chapter my good friend, ChickenCheeseString, made depicting Yuki putting on a few pounds. Not to mention some hilarious suggestions by my friends, BarretvsKyonvseveryoneelse and ObsidianWarrior. Just what is in this fic you might ask?
Well, this story contains:
An unhealthy amount of abuse towards the overweight
Pointy metal objects
Random cameos from K-ON, Toradora, Code Geass, Death Note, Ouran Host Club, Lucky Star, Higurashi, School Days, Azumanga Daioh, Vocaloid, Dragon Ball Z, Final Fantasy 7, Kingdom Hearts, and Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story
Saimoe 2009 results
Deadly use of electricity
Lots and lots of running
And Jack Lalanne.
Now sit back, relax, and watch as a hooligan with little to no social life decides to dismantle the Haruhi universe. Feel free to picture the chubby characters as chibis like in Haruhi-chan if it helps. I would also like to thank JonBob0008 for allowing me to use his two OCs, Oruki and Naru, in my crackish concoction.
WHERE'S YOUR PRECIOUS 'OUR-GOD-IS-HOTTER-THAN-YOUR-GOD' GOD, NOW?!?! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
If you haven't hit the Back button by now, dear sir or madam, I applaud you.
"I wonder if they put jelly in these things..." mused a voice. "Oh, well. Chocolate is just as good too, I guess."
Said voice was followed by the sound of chewing and then a gulping sound. There was a sigh.
"Damn. Only four left. Better than nothing though. Down the hatch!"
The voice belonged to a person named Haruhi Suzumiya. A teenage girl at the ripe age of sixteen with hair like hazel and eyes like gold, Haruhi was sitting on a park bench in the afternoon all by herself. School had just ended and summer vacation had started two days ago. So what was she doing, you ask?
Eating an entire box of chocolate cornets.
"Geez it's hot out here," said Haruhi to no one in particular. Sweat dripped from her forehead and small stains could be seen appearing under her armpits. She wiped her sweaty brow with a crumb-covered hand and sent the sun a death-glare.
"Quit being so hot, you stupid ball of fire!" Haruhi threatened, hoping the sun would stop shining its infernal light. Actually, it wasn't even that hot out. One would even say that it was a bit chilly. Haruhi just happened to be sweating profusely.
Now, friends, there are three things you should know about Haruhi Suzumiya. First of all she had a personality which could best be described as 'eccentric'. And when I say eccentric, I mean to say bossy, stubborn, selfish, short-tempered, greedy, nosy, vain, and a tad sadistic. At least that's what everyone who had spent five minutes talking to her thought.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Second of all, Haruhi believed that supernatural beings inhabited Earth and were hiding out from the public. Thus she had made it her goal to seek out beings she deemed supernatural and hang out with them. These included aliens, time-travelers, espers, sliders, elves, leprechauns, werewolves, zombies, mummies, vampires, witches, dragons, demons, Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman, the Loch Ness Monster, Godzilla, Gamera, boxing-kangaroos, Chuck Norris, unicorns, ghosts, kappas, Koopas, Goombas, Republicans, and Eskimos. So far, she hadn't had any luck.
This brings us to the third subject.
Haruhi Suzumiya was fat.
You know those 'before-and-after' pictures you see in weight-loss ads?
Haruhi looked like she killed and devoured the 'before' person.
Her hands and fingers still had a feminine thinness to them, but everywhere else on her was... well... big. Her arms were pretty chunky, but at least she could still reach certain parts of her body (except her toes and back). Haruhi's cheeks looked like she was storing acorns for winter and a slight double-chin could be seen forming. Her large stomach balanced the pink box of cornets in front of her like a tray as she shoved two more of them into her greedy maw. If anyone walked right by Haruhi, they would have made the assumption that she was seven months pregnant. Her thighs weren't innocent either, chubby to the point where Haruhi couldn't cross her legs together without making a scraping sound. Her breasts squeezed against the confines of her clothes as if they were trying to run away from her chest. They were both at least a D-cup. Haruhi's butt somewhat resembled two rhinoceroses frolicking gaily under a tarp.
How the heck her skirt, shirt, bra, underwear, and jacket stayed on her body was a complete mystery.
As she chewed the two cornets in her mouth, Haruhi was pondering about why she was so unlikeable back in school and why she didn't have any friends.
I wonder why I was so unlikeable in school and didn't have any friends? Haruhi wondered, effectively rehashing what the author just said. My magnetic personality should have gotten me plenty of friends. I should have been fending off guys with a stick! And my boobs were bigger than any other girl's in the whole school! Shouldn't that account for something? ...At least they respected me.
Unbeknown to Haruhi, the students at her school didn't actually respect her. Unless your definition of respect is 'Run-like-hell-or-that-giant-thing-is-going-to-fucking-crush-us-against-the-wall!'. Haruhi's belly had actually been called a safety hazard by some people since if she spun around really fast (especially if you yelled 'ICE-CREAM!') and you if happened to be right next to her, you'd end up on the ground with a slight concussion. No one had said this to her face for fear of getting their head ripped off. Or being sat on.
You know what? Screw them all! I don't need any friends! They'd only hold me back! I'll find aliens, time-travelers, espers, sliders, and all that other miscellaneous stuff myself! Haruhi thought with determination as she swallowed down the two pastries. They slid down her gullet easily enough and joined the rest of the things she'd eaten earlier. Haruhi belched loudly and rubbed her stomach contently only to become confused as a loud gurgle escaped from it. Her gut suddenly began to rumble violently.
"Huh? Oh, come on! I didn't eat that much today! Just these cornets! And that club sandwich... And those three hotdogs... And that bag of last year's Halloween candy... And that box of Krispy Kreme donuts... And that watermelon that fell off that truck... Just hurry up and digest!" Haruhi said to her aching stomach. A second later the pain stopped. Probably the excess food had moved to her lower intestines.
"Phew! Felt like I was gonna explode back there! That'll teach my body to mess with me! And to celebrate..." Haruhi picked up the remaining cornet and stared at it lovingly like a mother with her child. "You're my best friend, right?"
The chocolate cornet, who lacked a mouth, said nothing.
"You would never betray me, would you?"
Once again, the cornet said nothing.
"You love me, don't you?"
"You do? That makes me so happy! Tell you what! Do you like living in that cold pink box?"
"You don't? Well, guess what? I've got a new home all set for you! It's a little cramped and kind of smelly, but you get hang out with your friends all the time, and it's free! Plus, you'll get a new friend each day! What do you say?"
"I knew you'd say yes! All right then! Now just close your eyes and you'll be with your other eleven friends soon! And you'll be with me forever and ever! See ya!"
Haruhi raised the cornet in front of her mouth and opened her jaws. If the cornet did have a mouth, it would probably have been saying something along the lines of "AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!".
Before it could become a permanent guest in a pool of Haruhi's stomach acid, something unexpected happened.
"There she is!" cried a high-pitched voice.
Haruhi's eyes snapped open and she looked in the voice's direction.
Making their ways towards Haruhi, were two girls that didn't go to her school. The first girl was pulling the second along by the hand and wore a angry look on her face, while the second taller girl wore a baffled expression. The most noticeable features of the two girls was the fact that the shorter one had long blue hair with a small ahoge atop her head and piercing green eyes, while the second one possessed violet hair tied up in twin-tails with bluish-purple eyes. Once they were close enough, the shorter girl pointed an accusing finger at Haruhi.
"See, Kagami! I told you I wasn't lying! I didn't lose the cornets at the Gamers! That fat pig took them! I saw her bloated butt running out the door with them in her mitts!" shouted the blue-haired midget.
Her purple-headed friend looked at Haruhi and then frowned. "Well, what do you know. You actually WERE telling the truth this time! And I actually can't believe the stereotype of fat people stealing food is true..."
Haruhi blinked in confusion. Fat?! What does she mean by fat? This isn't fat! This is pure muscle! I'm not...
Haruhi's train of thought became derailed as the violet-eyed girl took out a cell phone and began to make a call. Most likely the police. Haruhi really didn't want to know what they did to cornet-snatchers in prison. She didn't want to become someone's bitch.
"I'm calling the cops, Konata. They'll straighten this whole thing out and then this glutton's parent's ca- OWW!!!" yelled the girl called Kagami as she was nailed in the face by a chocolate cornet. The shorter one, Konata, gasped in terror and surprise. She quickly spun around to see Haruhi dashing out of the park at a surprisingly fast speed. Konata turned back to her friend, who was wiping away the gooey chocolate off her face.
"KAGAMIN!!!" yelled Konata, her voice filled concern. "Are you hurt?"
"That sneaky bitch!" snarled Kagami, eyes burning with feral rage, and ignoring the nickname her friend had just uttered. "Who the hell throws food at people?! As soon as I catch that tubby thief, I'm going to rip her head off and shove it directly up her..."
Kagami had stopped her rant to see that Konata was staring at her with a cat-like smile and blushing.
"Uh, Konata? What's with your face?"
"Hee hee... Kagamin is so cute when she's flustered..."
"Will you wipe that stupid look off your face and help me get this chocolate off my face?!"
"Did you just... lick some chocolate off my face?"
"It tastes even sweeter when it's on you, Kagamin~..."
A/N: Yes, people. That was Konata and Kagami from Lucky Star. Konata finally meets her idol, and it's after said idol freaking mugs her of her favorite snack food. Ironic, huh? And it wouldn't be a Lucky Star moment without Konata subtly coming onto Kagami, now would it?
Next chapter introduces Haruhi's parents who make a life-changing decision for their daughter! And denial! And fat jokes!
Read & Review!