Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.
A/N: First of all, guys, I am sorry. Truly.
It's pretty much been a year at the most. I am very sorry for the long wait. But do not fear, this fic is not dead. It's just that with keeping some promises to some good friends and dealing with school kinda prevented me from working on this story at all. In fact, I had this chapter pretty much done for a few months and just forgot to fix it up for uploading. Once again, I am sorry for failing you as a crack writer.
Now here we begin what you people all probably came to read about: Abuse towards fat people.
Many thanks goes to ObsidianWarrior, who not helped out with jokes, but also helped me to write much of the scenes here.
Oh, and a happy new year.
The five plump kids each awoke in the infirmary once again the following morning. Haruhi was the first to awaken, the smoky flavor of bacon in her mouth. Licking up a crumb, she looked over to her left from her cot and saw her four other friends. Each was asleep with in fresh uniforms instead of the ones from the night before.
Wow. That was one fucked-up dream I had. Thin hot me, giant cheesecake, ugly loud guy I chased, and that freaky version of Itsuki who smelled like shattered dreams and underage children. I hope I don't dream about that guy who stomped on my head as well. ...That's funny. I thought we just got a few grass stains, dirt smudges, and burn marks on our clothes when we all passed out, Haruhi thought as she examined her own clothes. Her eyes quickly widened in shock. ...WHERE ARE MY PANTS?
"Soooooo... You're up~!" drawled a perky voice. Looking up, Haruhi saw that it was that Minori girl who had spoken. She was wearing her nurse outfit and a wide smile on her face. Minori was sitting on one of those spinny chairs with one leg set on top of the other; Haruhi had to shift her gaze up in an effort to avoid seeing what colored panties the redheaded nurse had chosen for the day.
"Yeah. How long were we out?" Haruhi asked, sliding on the cotton grey gym shorts that lay on the metal cart next to her.
"About the whole night. It's 9:30 in the morning right now. You sure pissed off a lot of people in particular last night," Minori spoke casually as Haruhi groaned at last night's events. "Taiga and Ryuji especially. Well, not Ryuji anyways. He's pretty mellow. I'm not mad anyways. I got some compensation for watching and dressing you guys- extra pay! Go me!"
Haruhi raised an eyebrow. "Did you really dress us?"
Minori's grin widened. "Yeah."
Then the little light went off in Haruhi's head.
"...HOLY. CRAP. You... You didn't... see anything...?" Haruhi shivered nervously as she quickly pulled up shorts around her waist.
Minori's eyes twinkled innocently. "Oh, not really. But I couldn't resist the offer. Unconscious people are fun to touch and poke. All squishy. Like warm dough! I drew a face on Itsuki an hour ago!"
"But... You couldn't have! You can't do that kinda crap here! THAT'S PRACTICALLY RAPE! EVERYONE! I THINK THE NURSE MOLESTED US!" Haruhi screamed. Her loud shouts caused her friends to stir out of their slumber.
"I didn't do anything major. Quit overreacting! I even erased the face I drew!" Minori waved a hand and swished her hair.
Haruhi became absolutely livid. "You freaking psychopath! I knew there was something up with you! I'm gonna pretend none of this ever happened! Never ever!"
"What's going on?" Kyon asked, suddenly awake and about.
Haruhi whirled on them all with large, frightened eyes. "I THINK THE NURSE RAPED US!" Kyon grabbed his chest, Mikuru squeaked and tried to curl into a ball (hard to do when you're already that shape) in the corner, Itsuki chewed on his pillow, and Yuki looked like she was about to cry. A closer look revealed that she was actually snarling like a fat, rabid possum. She charged forward with amazing strength and punched Minori in the face. It was a very powerful blow, having been backed up with a fist created entirely of anger and two weeks of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches forged from an erotic gaming binge before the backhoe yanked Yuki out of her house and into a bus.
Minori gasped and felt blood dripping from her nose "Ah! You are SO dead... Feel my power!" Before Minori could break her foot off in Yuki's triple-ass, a hand grasped hers.
"Uh, Minori? What do you think YOU'RE doing? You just don't go and assault random people like that!" Taiga asked, having suddenly appeared in the infirmary and wagging a finger. "You have to punish them according to the book! And those fuckers are MINE. Got it?"
"G-Got it..." Minori dashed off for bandages, while holding her bloody nose.
"Yeah, get something to patch that up! Ice will help! Now as for you five..." Taiga started, turning to the flabby fivesome.
"W-Wait! That crazy bitch might have raped us!" Haruhi cried.
"GOOD. YOU PROBABLY DESERVED IT!" Taiga snapped, pointing a finger at Yuki now. "And you assaulted a staff member! I'm going to keep an eye on you and give you something to do later this week!" At that moment, Ryuji walked in with the Houkago Tea Time girls, minus Azusa.
"Please, Taiga! Look in your tiny, black, poisonous heart for some compassion!" the always cheerful Yui pleaded dramatically. Ryuji's eyes bugged out and he started the cut-throat motion.
Taiga looked back at him, causing him to instantly inspect a very interesting chipped spot of wood on the wall. "I'll deal with YOU later," she growled.
"Now, now, Taiga~!" Tsumugi said smoothly, bopping the tiny feline-girl on the head with a balled-up fist. "These poor, tubby, chubby souls just wanted some delicious food. They shouldn't be punished for what they have trouble loving."
"Oh, brother..." Mio muttered, annoyed she might have to endure another one of Tsumugi's hippie speeches. They were starting to get on her nerves a lot. Like the time she suggested they all wear clothing made out of hemp.
...Come to think of it, that one wasn't half-bad... Mio thought with a lazy smile.
Taiga momentarily ignored the taller blond girl's invasion of her private space and gaped. "But... But they broke the rules! They stole food, confiscated equipment, and vandalized the camp grounds! ...Oh, and someone could have gotten hurt. You gotta let me discipline these goons!"
Haruhi, Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki beamed. Could Tsumugi be their way out of this? Would she spare them whatever horrible tortures the evil midget had planned for them?
"Well..." Tsumugi scratched her chin.
Yui, who had been licking at a loose cotton ball this entire time, decided to pip up some info she had vaguely recalled. "Hey, Mugi? Didn't some of that bacon from last night fly into our rooms after they hit the administration buildings? Weren't some of your new shoes burned?"
The five fatties watched in fear as Tsumugi's eyes flashed, her face fell, and she darted out of the room and in the direction of her cabin.
A long and loud scream shortly followed soon after.
Mio and Yui shrank back in terror. They had seen this look before when Ritsu playfully shoved her headfirst into a tide-pool at the beach one time. She whined and hid in a closet all day long. Heck, even Ryuji stepped behind Taiga at the last moment so as not to catch any of following drama.
"...Well, I think you should punish them. It'll be fu- I mean, a great example to set for the other kiddies~!" Ritsu said sweetly to Taiga, emitting pink sparklies and white puffs of sugar.
Taiga grinned eagerly. "Fab. Thanks."
"Anytime! C'mon, girls! Let's all go get Mugi and cheer on the runners! We got work to do! Big smiles, everyone!" Ritsu giggled creepily as she skipped out of the room.
Mio followed her, quickly muttering, "I think I just shit my pants."
"I think I already did before we came in here! have a nice day, guys! Hug ya later!" Yui cheered, dashing off, while the five teens glared daggers at her.
"I'm so gonna kill the little one soon..." Yuki growled.
"Well, well... Looks like you guys are my responsibility after all. Your punishment will be at 10:00 tonight, my pudgy prisoners," Taiga announced, crossing her arms together. "Until then, live, drink and have fun! Mwa ha ha ha ha- ACK! Man, I gotta stop doing those evil laughs. Let's go, Ryuji. We've got some inspections and such to do!" Taiga scuttled out the door, Ryuji walking after her.
The blue-headed boy then stuck his head back in through the room's entrance. "Eh heh heh. It's this... work ethic she enjoys doing. Yeah, just work. Oh, and you're breakfast has been left out for you in the mess hall. You can go and eat before you go about your business. ...Bye!"
As soon as the intimidating boy had left, Kyon then noticed that equally blue Ami had just strode into the room from behind a door at the desk. By the amused and shaken look on her face, she had pretty much heard everything.
"...You okay?" Haruhi asked Ami.
"..." Ami replied.
"We'll just get our food now..." Kyon said, toddling out of the room with the speed of a jackrabbit hauling a cinderblock behind it. The others followed as well, dreading the healthy crap that was to be their meal. Ami remained where she was, standing in the medical room with a pleased look on her face.
"Mmmhmmhmmhmm... Soon my master plan will be complete. And none of these idiots know a thing about it! Soon I will be even richer!" Ami placed the back of her right hand against her chin and belted out a noblewoman-type laugh. "Ah ha ha ha ha ha... I love money!"
"Huh? What's this about love?"
Ami jumped up, realizing that Minori had come back. She was standing right behind her, holding a damp towel on her nose and holding a box of band-aids.
"How much did you hear?" the blunette asked nervously.
Minori shrugged. "Something about you loving something. What was it?"
"...I said I loved honey..."
"...Oh. Well, OKAY~!"
Ami watched Minori skip off gleefully and sighed deeply. "PHEW! CLOSE ONE!"
Meanwhile, the team had finally reached the mess hall. Once inside, they noticed that the bowls set out for them smelled good for a change.
"What is it?" Itsuki asked.
"Maybe we should check it out..." Yuki suggested.
All were quiet until...
"NOT IT!" Kyon yelled.
"NOT IT!" Mikuru cried, waving her fat arms around.
"NOT IT!" Itsuki shouted.
"NOT IT!" Yuki screamed.
"NOT- AW, GOD DAMN IT!" Haruhi cried. Cautiously, Haruhi lifted the lid of her bowl and gasped. A bowl of rice and chicken covered in teriyaki sauce awaited for each of them.
Haruhi dropped to her knees and prayed. "Dear, Lord, we thank you for this food we are about to scarf down like wild dogs, and we ask of you to bless our cabins with air-conditioning. In the name of Ronald McDonald, the Colonel, and the Burger King, Amen." When she finished, she noticed that her friends had already eaten their meals.
"Hey, you tools!" the butterball cried.
"Sorry. It was SOOO good!" Kyon moaned, licking his bowl soon after.
Itsuki nodded, trying to crack off a part of his bowl so he could swallow it down. Noticing Yuki and Mikuru eyeing her own bowl from across the table, Haruhi jumped into her seat and began to quickly shovel all her food in. The taste was comparable to having her tongue going to a get-together with an old friend. After a minute of gorging, Haruhi leaned back a bit and began licking the remaining sauce in her bowl. It was at this moment that Chiyo and Osaka made themselves known, coming out of the kitchen in their apron-wear again.
"Did you all enjoy the food?" Chiyo asked cutely, her little cat hat bobbing to her words.
"Oh, man, that was better than sex!" Haruhi moaned, letting out a tiny burp afterward, despite the fact she probably didn't even know what it felt like. All her friends either nodded in appreciation (Kyon and Mikuru) or continued to lick/eat their bowls (Yuki and Itsuki).
"Awww, that's mighty kind of you to say that," Osaka smiled, wiping off the piece of meat that had come flying out of Haruhi's mouth and onto her chest with a napkin.
"It sure was nice of the counselors to give you guys such yummy food! I wonder why?" Chiyo wondered, collecting the bowls; it took a bit of a tussle for the pig-tailed girl to wrestle Itsuki's away from him. At her words, the five teens froze and looked at each other quickly. They'd been so caught up in the prospect of getting to eat some normal food for once, that they hadn't questioned exactly why they had gotten to eat such a treat.
"Something is rotten in Denmark..." Haruhi mumbled, licking her teeth. "Why would they give us such great food to eat? WHY?"
"Maybe it's because they were feeling nice?" Mikuru responded, her eyes filled with some sort of hope. Upon hearing that, Chiyo and Osaka exchanged looks. Even Osaka, who could be as bright as a pile of rocks sometimes and as sharp as a spoon, knew that situations like this could be fishy. All of a sudden, a loud laugh broke the morning silence.
"Ha ha ha ha ha! That's a good one, Mikuru!" roared Tsuruya, standing in the doorway. Ryoko was behind her, the portly blunette munching on what appeared to be...
"Is that a turkey leg!" Kyon cried out from his seat.
"Yup," stated Ryoko, ripping out a hunk of its flesh with her dinosaur-like teeth. "Found it this morning in a tree-branch." Ryoko tore off the rest of the meat with her teeth. "It's like God blessed me!"
Ryoko finished tossed the bone to the floor, where Itsuki bit it and took it in the corner to nibble on it like a dog.
"YOU JUST ATE A BOWL OF CHICKEN AND RICE WITH TERIYAKI! WHAT THE HELL?" Haruhi pointed out.
Itsuki shrugged. "I merely wanted something as a chaser. Now don't judge me. I smell a bit of gristle on here!"
Ryoko paled and Tsuruya almost dropped to her knees, which would have caused a lot of problems with her bones. "Whoa, whoa, slow down a second there. You... ATE what was in those bowls?" the blue-haired camper shouted.
"Yes. What was wrong with that?" Yuki asked.
"Nyoro... Last year, two boys named Taniguchi and Kunikida cooked a honey-glazed ham in our cabin with a makeshift rusty barbecue-pit. They aren't here anymore though. It was mostly all in an attempt to lose their virginities to us. We were pretty much desperate to eats something that didn't grow in the dirt or have leaves. We stuffed our faces until the cabin burned to the ground, nyoro! Me and Ryoko managed to gets away with the last of the ham, but the two boys were caught. The next day, they ates two bowls of chicken and rice. After that, they losts twenty-five pounds each, were severely dehydrated, and ended up in a hospital before getting shipped back home," Tsuruya said fearfully.
Mikuru gasped in horror. "Good GOD! ...I love ham! But seriously, what happened!"
"Taiga gave them enough laxatives in the food to make a blue whale literally SHIT its guts out!" Ryoko spat in reply. "Kind of her way of giving a big middle finger to you before the REAL torture starts. That is, if you survive. Taniguchi and Kunikida got thrown out quickly because Taiga thought they were big chickens."
"She must see some real potential in you guys~!" Tsuruya marveled.
Thinking it was all a joke, Haruhi started laughing before she felt a rumble in her stomach. Kyon felt it, too. So did Itsuki.
Mikuru groaned, clutching her side. "What's going on?"
Yuki blinked a bit before she winced. "I feel like two midgets are taking it out on my lower intestines..."
Knowing the inevitable, Ryoko gave some advice. "Just so you know. She locks every bathroom, so find a good bush or prepare to lose a good pair of pants."
Upon hearing that, the quartet all made a mad waddle to the nearest bush.
Meanwhile, watching all of this from a fold-up chair on the hill, clipboard in hand, was a certain Palmtop Tiger. "Heh heh heh heh. That'll teach those belugas to eat anything suspicious!" She soon chortled heartily like a classic James Bond villain..
Ryuji looked up from the lemonade he was sipping with a curious gaze. "What are you looking at through those?"
Taiga sat the binoculars back on her lap. "Oh, nothing important, Ryuji. Just this... bird."
"I thought you hated birds? Like my parrot," Ryuji pointed out.
"Oh, yeah... Well, I just think they are interesting little piles of bones and feathers that-"
"OH, MY GOD, DID YOU GIVE THOSE FIVE KIDS THAT 'SPECIAL' RICE BOWL OF YOURS?"
"...Define 'special' now..."
"TAIGA, THAT COULD KILL THEM!"
"THEY COULD HAVE KILLED US LAST NIGHT! And besides, the ends justify the means," Taiga stated.
"THE ONLY ENDS THAT WILL BE USED HERE ARE THE BUTTS OF THOSE KIDS, ONCE THEY SHOOT OUT ALL OF THEIR DIGESTIVE ORGANS!" Ryuji hollered, making that weird yelling face of his. Seriously, he looks like a serial-rapist when he does that.
At that moment, Tsukasa jogged up the hill, a bag of trash in hand. "Morning," the girl with the yellow ribbon chirped merrily, stuffing the bag into a garbage can set near the gate.
"Hello, Tsukasa. Did you... make those 'special' rice bowls I asked you about?" Taiga asked innocently, knowing full well the lavender-headed girl knew nothing her sinister motive.
"Yeah. I totally followed the recipe!" smiled Tsukasa, pulling out a smudged-up piece of paper. "Half a teaspoon of that oily stuff, just like you said!"
At that, Taiga's eyes blinked in rapid succession. "HALF? I said THREE teaspoons, you dolt!"
Tsukasa stared off into space for a few seconds, before wiping away some of the gunk on the paper. "Ohhhhh... So that's what that one with a dash and a two meant." Then she simply walked off.
Ryuji chuckled deeply. "Maybe you should have asked the one with the twin-tails..."
"Go stick your head up Yusaku's ass."
Back with our heroes, they were all still running towards their own cabin to relieve themselves. At the sight of their locked door and even the closed neighboring cabins, the fivesome cursed and made off for the foliage. Being at the head of the pack, Haruhi spotted a huge cluster of bushes and made a beeline for it.
"LADIES FIRST!" she screamed peeling the leaves back. Imagine her surprise when Mao suddenly reared his head out of the foliage. "The hell?" Haruhi said, stunned at the sight of the albino freak.
"This is taken. Go get another bathroom," Mao said nonchalantly, ducking back inside the leaves; several loud retching noises ensued right after. Panicking, the kids ran until they encountered Konata and Kagami lounging about in front of their cabin. Haruhi stumbled to the cabin in obvious pain.
"Well, well..." Konata smirked.
"NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BITCH ME OUT! RIGHT NOW I'M- OWWW!" Haruhi held herself, doing a little dance. Her friends mimicked her.
Kagami looked at the lardass. "What's wrong?"
"ME AND MY FRIENDS ATE SOME RICE BOWLS AND IT TURNS OUT THAT THEY'RE LACED WITH ENOUGH LAXITIVES TO MAKE A WHALE'S ORGANS LEAVE ITS SOUL!" Haruhi shouted. Konata turned away for a split-second to hold in a laugh.
"So we really, really, REALLY need a bathroom, right now!" Kyon whined, wiping some sweat off his brow.
Kagami looked at the heavy-set boy. "I'm guessing Taiga locked the bathrooms, right?"
Kyon nodded in response. Upon this new information, Kagami groaned and made a face as though she had eaten a lemon-drop.
"God... That little twerp is nuts. She hit Tsukasa over the head with an oar shortly after our orientation for calling her grumpy. She was so woozy she thought the fan on the ceiling was a plane that going to ram her. Is there anything I can do to help?" Kagami offered, adopting a pleasant tone of voice.
Konata was busy plotting and didn't hear anything up to the last sentence. "...HELP HER? KAGAMIN, SHE STOLE MY GOD DAMN BABIES! THAT I CANNOT EVER FORGIVE!" She walked over to the side and kicked Haruhi right in her ass, not knowing that she was laced with whale Drain-O. Unfortunately, that was the spark in the powder keg. Haruhi groaned, bent over slightly, and, well... kicked like a mule.
Konata's airborne scream of pain and Kagami's howling laughter could be heard from the top of the hills.
A few feet away, Luka and Gakupo were showing off their appointed duty to Miyuki. "So you two are the heads of the upcoming gardening project?" Miyuki inquired, looking at the large patch of dirt.
Luka, who was wearing a giant straw hat, smiled and nodded. "It sure is! Soon we'll be teaching all of the kids to learn how to grow food straight from pure Mother Earth! Right, Gakupo?"
The blunette pinched at his sunflower-print overalls and snarled, "You didn't sound so damn upbeat an hour ago when you were complaining about being saddled with something as sucky as this."
"Oh, Gakupo, you card! Always joking! Now shut up and go spread that bag of manure everywhere," Luka snapped, shaking a fist out of Miyuki's view.
"Oh, fine then." Gakupo began to stride towards the small shed where the gardening supplies were kept at... when a flying Konata smashed through the window and crashed inside. Various things ranging from seeds to manure flew out the broken window a second later.
"Oh, my god, Konata!" shrieked, Miyuki, looking like she was going to pass out. Gakupo and Luka had very different reactions.
"Oh, no!" howled Luka. "She probably ruined all of the seeds I organized! It took me hours to do all of them! And now there's processed goat poop everywhere!"
Gakupo wrinkled his nose. " ...Eww. Better get me a hose then."
Back on the hill, Taiga was rolling on the grass, binoculars around her neck still. "AH HA HA HA! This is better than watching a cockfight!"
Ryuji grabbed the binoculars and looked through them (inadvertently choking Taiga in the process, seeing as how they were wrapped around her neck), sighed, and picked up his radio. "We need a decontamination unit to the cabins..."
"GACK! HACK! Ryu...ji... You're... killing... meeee..." Taiga hissed out, turning a delightful shade of baby blue. Following that, Ryuji put his radio away and looked down, curious as to why Taiga was now lying on the ground unconscious.
A few minutes later, Konata was shivering in a blanket on the steps of her cabin as her clothes were being washed. "...First she steals my cornets... THEN she kicks me right into a pile of rakes and animal crap! That bitch is going DOWN. I'll never get this smell off of my clothes..."
Kagami sauntered up to her, an orange towel over her shoulder, a blue washtub in her arms, and some pink gloves on her hands. "Hey. Get up and follow me."
"Huh? Where we going?" Konata asked curiously.
"Since you smell so bad, all the showers are being used, and Miyuki is using ours, I've taken the burden of bathing you myself. Now get some clothes and-" Before Kagami could even finish, Konata darted inside, fresh clothes already in hand. The entire process took only 2.3 seconds.
"Wow. That actually scared me," the taller girl deadpanned.
Konata rested her head on Kagami's shoulder as they walked towards some trees. "Kagamin~ ... Please spank me..."
"I said hurry up and get this smell off of me!"
"God, you disturb me. ...Hey, wait. Why am I doing this? We got a perfectly-working shower of our own! Go use that!"
"DON'T QUESTION THE LOGIC OF THIS SITUATION!"
In the cabin across the field, Haruhi was laughing her head off. "You guys left at the good part! You should have seen her face! She looked like a walrus with his bucket being taken away!" Her friends sat around on their own beds, just trying to pass the time.
Kyon sighed wearily on his bed, not interested at all in Haruhi's tale. He turned away from the conversation to dig into his bag for something to read.
Noticing this, Haruhi said, "What's wrong?"
"I wonder what else Taiga is going to do? I barely made it to that blue-haired otaku and her friends' bathroom!" Kyon suddenly sobbed like a greasy man-child.
"I had to go in a trash can!" whined Mikuru.
"I had to built an outhouse in less than a minute. It was quite difficult," Itsuki announced. They all turned to look at Yuki, who was reading a book on her bed. Noticing she was the center of attention, Yuki looked up.
"What is it?" the bookworm asked dryly.
"Where did you go, Yuki?" Mikuru asked.
Yuki shrugged her shoulders. "I didn't."
Kyon dropped his jaw just like everyone else in the room. "YOU DIDN'T GO!"
"Nope." Yuki went back to reading.
"But why?" Haruhi yelled. "You were in just as much pain as the rest of us!"
"I have learned to bottle up my emotions and bodily functions over the years. I'm like a black hole. And besides, I simply lost my chance to find a proper place to relieve myself," Yuki answered, a vein above her left eye twitching somewhat.
"Isn't that unhealthy?" Kyon inquired.
Yuki eerily stared at Kyon like a vulture, for what seemed like an eternity. "...No."
Everyone shrank back. Yuki officially spooked them. Another few minutes past before Mikuru sat up shakily and trotted over to the avid reader in an attempt to get to know her better.
"Whatcha reading?" the cute blob asked.
Yuki held up the novel in her hands- a black book with a pair of white hands holding an apple. "Twilight. It kills my appetite for food, "she said ominously.
The room became very, very cold all of a sudden.
"So that explains the fact that you're so skinny compared to us..." Haruhi murmured.
Yuki glared at her and looked like she was ready to rip Haruhi's scalp clean off and wear it as a hat. Before she could offer her response, the PA system squealed to life.
Rather than Miku's melodic voice, it was Konata's that roared out, "TO HARUHI SUZUMIYA, ITSUKI KOIZUMI, KYON... WHATEVER YOUR LAST NAME IS, MIKURU ASAHINA, AND YUKI NAGATO: GET YOUR ASSES TO THE SLEEP DEPRIVATION TANK! NOW!"
There was the sound of fighting, swearing, and suddenly Miku's voice was heard over the PA. "Ummmmmmmm... whatever shortie said. Toodles~! HEY! LET GO OF MY-"
"Len! Rin! Get her! ASSIST ME!"
Haruhi gulped over the sounds of static and fighting. "...Is this because I kicked her?" Yuki's airborne book to her head was her answer. "OW!"
Later at the Sleep Deprivation Tank...
The gang were sitting on stacked bricks (chairs were too precious to keep replacing every time the campers sat down) in a circle. The lights dimmed suddenly, and two cloaked figures stepped into the room from the shadows.
"We've been expecting you..." one figure called while the other cackled maliciously.
"Death! DEATH!" Mikuru squealed like a pig. The talking figure laughed as the one that had spoke previously removed their robe. "
It's just us- Azusa and Kallen," Azusa said, adjusting her locks of black hair.
"...DEATH, DEAAAATH!" Mikuru screamed.
Kallen sighed and slapped Mikuru's chubby face, much to Kyon's anger. "This is punishment number two. While the third one is fixed up, we get you to humiliate yourselves. Personally, I like explosions so what you all did didn't bug me so much. After we are done, Taiga will send you all into Room 101," Kallen said a-matter-of-factly.
"What's room 101?" Haruhi asked, oblivious to the Orwell reference.
"...You'll see," Azusa declared. She then followed that by laughing darkly like an evil sorceress. Kyon and Yuki were the only ones that were scared enough. Haruhi was confused, Itsuki was nibbling on a broken brick from the floor, and Mikuru was worried about death.
"Hey! Come to think of it, what IS in Room 101?" Azusa questioned, having forgotten what the heck was in the room.
Kallen looked down her nose at the cat-girl. "You already asked me once before about what was in there. And I told you that you knew the answer already. Everyone knows it. The thing that is in Room 101 is the worst thing in the world."
"By the way, where the hell have you been these past couple of days? You freaking disappeared after being introduced at the orientation."
Azusa shifted her eyes nervously and coughed. "I was... well... watching my soaps in my room. But now I can't anymore due to the fire these idiots caused."
"You were watching soap operas?" Haruhi asked in a dumbfounded voice.
Azusa sighed guiltily. "Yes. And none of my friends know about this secret pleasure of mine either. I love it just as much as I do cake." Somewhere, Yui twitched visibly but thought nothing of it.
"...What kind of show have you been watching?" Itsuki asked. Now he HAD to know. So did everyone else.
"...The World Ends with You- When I Say it Does!" Azusa exclaimed after a long pause. She then collapsed to the ground on her knees, head in her hands as she sobbed loudly. "Oh, why, Dr. Sho? Why did you switch Neku's brain with a monkey's? So that YOU could keep the Reapers' softball team under your iron fist? And what about Neku's promises? OH, POOR RHYME AND SHIKI!"
Kallen smacked Azusa over the head with a fist. "Get a hold of yourself, cat-girl. Now the second punishment isn't a torture per say, but more of a coming-out dealie. We're each going to have you guys talk about how you got to be the way you were. So that we can all get to know each other better."
"That sounds really flowery and gay," muttered Itsuki.
"Either you talk or you learn why this is called the Sleep Deprivation Tank," Azusa warned with a stern stare.
"Why?" asked Yuki. Kallen produced an air-horn out of her pocket and pointed it at Yuki before honking it. "OWWWW! ...I mean... Owwww."
Kallen smiled. "Got that? Excellent. We'll start with you first, Yuki. How did you become overweight? Go back to your earliest memory and talk from there."
"My mom was a Yippie and dad left when I was four, so I read books... unfortunately, unless it was written by Abbie Hoffman, George Orwell, or some other thing with political or social meaning, it wasn't in the house," Yuki explained, the screen getting all fuzzy. .
A skinny chibi Yuki sat in front of the fireplace of her living room reading A Clockwork Orange. Her mother entered the room. She looked kinda like Yuki, but was much taller, had longer purple hair, and a flatter chest.
"Be back whenever, my snow child~! Mommy is going to chain herself to some redwoods in California." Yuki's mother gave a dramatic spin and shuffled towards the front door, duffle-bag in hand.
"Mommy! I have a school-play tonight. Can't you come?" Yuki begged in a squeaky voice, looking up from her book.
"This is more important. Keep fighting, kid!" she shouted to her offspring, giving her child a fist-pump into the air, before slamming the door. Yuki bookmarked her page and started to cry when her stomach rumbled. Heading to the fridge, she found a bucket of chicken, a rarity in her mostly vegetarian household. Yuki ate a drumstick from the bucket and hugged it close to her.
"At least I have you, Sanders..." Yuki sobbed, reaching in for another.
Yuki was now holding a bucket of KFC and chewing on a breast. "And that is my tale."
"WHERE THE HELL DID YA GET CHICKEN!" Kallen roared in surprise.
"It was in the pile," Yuki deadpanned.
"You know. That pile."
"What is this, I don't even- What exactly are you pointing at? That's a corner! Where is this so-called pile?"
"I'm pointing right at it."
"No, you're not! That's a brick!"
Haruhi was crying somewhat over the din. "Wow... Yuki, that's so sad..." She looked over at her fellow camper, who had just kicked Kallen in the ovaries for trying to take away her food in mid-argument, and huddled in the corner with her KFC bucket.
"O... kay... thanks for ramming uterus into my colon... Kyon? What happened to you to turn yourself into the hunk of flesh you are today?" the slim cherry-headed woman asked, half-way bent over in pain.
"I'd rather hear a bit more about Yuki's past before I say anything else about myself. If that's all right with her," Kyon answered, rocking back and forth uncomfortably.
"Not at all," the purple-haired girl replied, swallowing some deep-fried goodness. "Other than eating my troubles away, I would use my home computer to browse the web. I would read stories to pass the time, but my true entertainment came from playing many Flash games. So much fun. Then one day, I signed up for World of Warcraft. ...The days, weeks, months, and years that flew by."
"Gee, Yuki, that sounds awful! World of Warcraft must have sucked up a lot of your free time!" panted Mikuru.
"Actually, it didn't. It was a passing interest that only introduced me into a whole new world of darkness on the internet, Mikuru."
"W-W-What w-was it then?"
Yuki looked up at her friends, shadows of missed experiences and forgotten childhood moments swimming in her eyes. "FarmVille."
"Oooohhh..." the others muttered in understanding.
"It's your turn, Kyon. Tell us all about your earliest memory of binging if you can..." Azusa said, while stealthily approaching a chicken-eating Yuki.
"Well, one day at my sister's birthday party..." mused the portly brunette.
A ten-year old Kyon was looking for the present that he'd hidden away for his younger sister, Imouto. While pawing around the household plants, he found something buried halfway in the soil of a fern.
"Huh? What's this?" He picked it up and gasped. It was a big joint as thick as a Sharpie marker (which had been hidden there in the first place by a shady uncle of his). Curious and not too bright, he lit a match that was nestled in the box and ignited the joint. The fumes it emitted were quite sweet so the young boy took a quick little sniff...
Within minutes, the joint was gone, and Kyon was as high as a kite. As Imouto's little friends sat in the living room, Kyon ran around like his ass was on fire and pigged out on all the refreshments, taking off his clothes when his gut was about to burst. His mom was looking for him as Imouto and her friends went to the backyard.
"Kyon? KYON?" called the suddenly nervous woman. A loud scream alerted her to the moon-bounce, where she found her son jumping around half-naked in his shorts, and humming the Soviet National Anthem for some absurd reason.
"Kyon, what the hell are you doing?" demanded his mother in a high-pitched voice.
"Pretty colors, mom! Everything looks cool! PRETTY COLORS ALL FOR ME!" Kyon gabbled, foaming at the lips. His mom then made a grab for his legs but missed, looking on as Kyon bolted for the refreshment table once again.
"GET BACK HERE, YOUNG MAN!" Kyon's father screamed, running away from holding up the birthday piñata to apprehend his hyperactive son. The little bugger drained the punchbowl and then plowed his head into the entire floral-patterned caked. Frosting flew everywhere.
"Wheee~! This is the greatest day ever~!"
No more than a second later, Kyon vomited all over the guests, Imouto's friends, AND his relatives, before passing out in a daze on the grass.
"THIS IS THE WORST PARTY EVER, JERK!" Imouto hollered in tears, running up to her comatose brother and whapping him in the side with the wooden bat.
"And since then, I've liked food ever since," Kyon finished dourly.
Rather than show remorse or sympathy like she had done previously, Haruhi laughed uproariously at Kyon's story like the jerk she was. "You got fat by getting stoned? That. Is. Hilarious!"
Kyon crossed his arms and made a pouty face. He decided to shift his view over at the nearby wall... which had Azusa now duking it out with Yuki control of her illegal bucket of fried delights.
"Give me the bucket, fatso!" Azusa snarled through gritted teeth.
"No way! Go play with a ball of yarn!" puffed Yuki, holding onto her treasure with ten strong greasy fingers. Kyon facepalmed. He could really use a soda right about now. Haruhi continued laughing until Kallen got right in her face.
"Sooooooo... I bet you think you're pretty great?" Kallen said quietly, her voice dripping with contempt.
Haruhi reflected on this sentence. "Well... yeah," she said with a smile.
"I was being sarcastic, you butterball," Kallen snapped, enjoying the crestfallen look on Haruhi's face somewhat. "Now tell us of your tragic past. I'd tell mine, but I am pretty great."
Haruhi shrank away on her brick pile and looked the other way with a slightly peeved expression. "No. You'll laugh."
Kallen patted Haruhi on the shoulder tenderly. "Now, now, Haruhi. I'm not like that C.C. bitch. I may insult you and your friends, and belittle your intelligence, but I won't laugh at your pain... this one time."
"I might..." Azusa wheezed, struggling against the bear-hug Yuki had her in.
"Shut up, Azusa. No one likes you that much. Except for Yui. Now talk to us, Haruhi. I'm all ears... and curves if you haven't noticed by now."
"Sure thing, slut-face. Well, I guess my problem started way back then, when I was just a baby..." Haruhi began, ignoring the angered expression on the redhead's face.
"Why is the room getting so fuzzy?" Itsuki asked out loud (his query went unanswered, by the way).
A younger version of Naru and Oruki were standing over their baby's crib. The couple had just come back from a night of eating out at a recently-opened McDonalds. After thanking the sitter, the two had come in to see their bundle of joy.
Young five-month old Haruhi lay in her ducky-print blanket, wearing a pink and yellow sleeping shirt and a white bib. She barely had any hair on her tiny head and her eyes were closed.
"Isn't she precious?" Naru whispered to her husband.
"She sure is..." Oruki reached in to stroke his newborn daughter's head, but in doing so, accidently knocked the leftover cheeseburger that Naru was still holding in her left hand into the crib. It landed on the side of the sleeping Haruhi, who moaned and wiggled a bit now. A bit of sauce and such stained the blanket now.
"I probably should have left it on the table..." Naru concluded.
"I'll go get a paper towel," sighed Oruki, marching out of the room and towards the kitchen. The moment he left, Haruhi's tiny eyes popped open. Both twinkled ominously. Naru leaned in close to get a better view of her offspring's shining eyes, and paused when she saw that they were locked onto...
Oruki jumped as a loud buzzsaw-like noise tore through the silence of the house. He dashed back to Haruhi's room in an instant, thinking Naru had seen a prowler or a spider. The buzzing continued then abruptly stopped.
"Naru, what the hell was-" Oruki noticed that his wife was now leaning over the baby's crib with a gaping jaw at whatever had occurred. Nervous for once, he peered inside. Lying on the crumb-covered sheets, ketchup on her lips, was Haruhi, looking very pleased with herself.
"..." said Oruki.
"..." said Naru.
"Urp," said Haruhi.
"And that's how I got this way. The end," Haruhi concluded. Kallen and the others stared at Haruhi for a bit in pure silence, until Azusa decided to break up the tension.
"...So you were born with anaconda-jaws or something?" she finally said. Haruhi glared at Azusa until Kyon made his opinion known.
...Which consisted of him laughing his head off. "AH HA HA! THAT IS FUCKING IT!" Haruhi grabbed a brick from her seat and rammed it into Kyon's fat face. "OWW!" Due to his blubbery cheeks, he didn't die.
Kallen looked at Itsuki, who was chewing on Yuki's hair for some reason. "Care to tell us why you're so obese, Itsuki?"
Seeing that he was now the center of attention, Itsuki spit out the part of Yuki's hair that he was chewing on (leaving a small bald patch behind), and spoke. "Well..."
A five-year old Itsuki wandered through his parents' house looking for his mother. "Mommy! I'm hungry!" he called. Still nothing. "Mommy?"
The sandy-haired boy found his mother ironing clothes. "Mommy, is there food?" He yanked on her sleeve, causing her finger to collide with the hot steel.
"Ahhhh! Damn you, Itsuki!" She slapped her son with her good hand and pointed to a plastic container on the floor. "There's some bleach. Drink it, survive, and I'll take you to the Olive Garden to pig out."
Itsuki nodded and opened the bottle, chugging down the content as if it were orange juice. When he finished the bottle, he put it down and gagged, vomiting the hazardous chemicals out of his system.
"My tongue feels all tingly and hot," Itsuki whined.
His mother looked at him sternly in return. "Now what do you say for making mommy burn herself?"
"...Again! AGAIN!" Itsuki grabbed a can of fabric-softener and chugged that down as well. To no one's surprise, he began to spazz out on the floor. his eyes rolled back into his head as strange gurgles erupted out of his mouth.
"Fantastic. Now mommy is going to have to dial the number for Poison Control!" Itsuki's mother huffed, grabbing the phone off the wall. "I hope you're happy with yourself!"
"So as you can all see, that's basically how I spent my summer. My case of pica followed quickly after that," the sandy-haired boy finished. "Needless to say, I was quite happy when my mother and father died in a car accident, which allowed me to live with my uncles Keiichi and Yutaka, grandfather Arakawa, and my favorite older cousin, Sonou. I call her Mori though. "
Everyone stared at Itsuki with wide eyes.
"Oh, nothing," Azusa said, turning to the side. "You must have had a rough childhood before they came along then. Is that true?"
"Partially. I was always depressed until I finally met Kyon in the third grade," Itsuki smiled. Kyon, on the other hand, rolled his eyes and groaned loudly.
"You met Itsuki when you were that little?" questioned an interested Haruhi.
Itsuki nodded. "Yes. Both of us were pudgy social outcasts. I bumped into him during free-time, and from that point on, we became the best of friends."
"Bumped into me?" Kyon repeated, eyes widened. "You snuck up on me while I was drawing a picture of a fire-truck and made off with my red crayon. I chased you down until we brawled in the sandbox. I nearly passed out from heavy breathing, while you had a scraped knee and red wax smeared all over your mouth. I only hung out with you at that point so I wouldn't be picked on as much."
"As I said, the best of friends!"
"See? We're getting to learn about each other already! Now, ummm, Mikuru, was it? How did you get so chubby?" Azusa cheerily asked.
Mikuru blushed upon being put on the spot. "Oh! Uh, well when I was ten, I spent a summer in the United States with my family. All the foods were new there. Especially the ones at that cute little bakery around the corner..."
A thinner, younger, and surprisingly bouncy Mikuru was walking down the street from the apartment her mother, father, and twin sister were staying at. Due to her older sister having so much success as a model, all three were attempting to pressure Mikuru into the practice as well. She was made to constantly diet, exercise, and take those nasty vitamins shaped like old cartoon characters. At the moment, it was sunset and Mikuru was just taking a little stroll before her mom made dinner.
"My life stinks..." she whined pitifully. All of a sudden, Mikuru felt a slight discomfort in her lower body. A grumble emerged and she knew it was time to go look for a bathroom. "Must have been those three grapes I ate for lunch," Mikuru noted, quickly running into a nearby bakery.
"Excuse me, miss, but may I please use your restroom?" The lone female baker nodded and pointed Mikuru in the direction of the facilities. The red-head dashed inside to relieve herself.
"Oh, why did I have such a BIG lunch? I should have said no to half of that cracker, too!"
After several hilarious minutes of screaming, Mikuru fell asleep on the toilet. She was awakened by the sound of the automatic lights going on. Her sudden movement in the darkness turned them back on again. Yawning, Mikuru got up and went to wash her hands.
"Wow... That really tuckered me out! Wonder how long I was asleep?" After completing her task, the young girl went into the bakery's parlor... and saw that it was dark out. Panicking, Mikuru raced over to the door and tugged on it with her hands. Locked tight. She went to the phone, but saw that it was out of order. Fear building, Mikuru looked up and saw a sign taped to the outside of the door. It read 'CLOSED. Have a Merry Christmas!'.
"OH, NO!" cried Mikuru. "I'm trapped in this bakery! And for all of Christmas vacation! I'll die in here without anyone to take care of me! What am I gonna do?" She slid against the counter and began to cry for a bit, before a small smile came onto her face. "Wait a minute... I'm in a bakery... Bakeries... Sell cakes... And I think cakes are food..." Her tiny brain finally connected the dots after much pondering.
"...I CAN EAT THE CAKE UNTIL I AM RESCUED!"
Giddy with happiness, Mikuru ran behind the counter to sample a slice of chocolate cake- a dish she had never had before. First it was just a slice. Then two. Then three. Then six. Then some cookies, a doughnut, some brownies. Of course, she could have just hurled a chair or something through the glass door or window to get out, but she had apparently forgotten this important fact. Within moments, all of the pastries were all gone.
Mikuru sat on the floor, bloated like a parade float. "Blurgh. I... Like... Cake... Now..." she gurgled, licking her hands. Due to her repressed metabolism, her figure had exploded beyond its regular capacity. She pretty much wouldn't be fitting into a swimsuit anytime soon. Just as Mikuru began to nod off, she was awoken by the sound of the baker from earlier coming back through the door.
"What the fuck, kid! I close up shop for like ten minutes to go get my cell-phone out of my car and you do this! I'm calling the cops to haul your fat ass away!" threatened the woman.
Freaking out, Mikuru jumped to her feet and stuffed the much thinner female's head between her cleavage. She struggled, but eventually her movements slackened. An audible snap could then be heard. Dropping the baker, Mikuru grabbed a cherry pie from the counter and quickly dashed off, sobbing and chewing.
Mikuru twiddled her fingers together underneath her airbag-like breasts. "So... yeah. Please don't judge me."
Kallen and the rest looked on with absolute horror. "Judge you... YOU MURDERED A HUMAN BEING BY SNAPPING HER NECK WITH YOUR BOOBS! HOW COULD WE NOT, YOU MONSTER?"
"Hypocrite," Azusa sourly spat at Kallen.
"I didn't kill her! She just lost consciousness from lack of air! That cracking was my spine! I got a slight case of scoliosis in my family! My spine couldn't take my new weight! I had to limp home!" Mikuru blubbered, tears spilling everywhere. "And because of that whole mess, my parents got sued! Now they all hate me!" Mikuru wailed, rocking back and forth on her brick pile.
Suddenly, Azusa spoke up during the awkward pause. "Well, it was nice talking to you all... now get out of here!" Yuki tossed the empty bucket at her, Kyon and Itsuki both giggled at the memory of Haruhi's story, Mikuru was in tears, and Haruhi had her arm around her friend's large waistline (as it turns out, the so-called Sleep Deprivation Tank had been an ugly, green building that looked like a metal cube... which was nonchalantly hidden right behind the mess hall).
"It's okay. Mikuru. One time when I was fourteen, I learned how to get items from the bakery inside my local supermarket and eat them without being caught."
Mikuru turned to Haruhi. "HOW IS THAT SIMILAR?" The red-head ran into the cabin and plopped down on her bed.
"Awwww..." Haruhi said. "It's okay. Kyon got stoned off his mind, I ate a cheeseburger as a baby, Itsuki drank bleach, and Yuki had a neglectful mother. We're all weird food people."
Mikuru smiled before she commented. "That is the worst speech ever. Thanks, Haruhi."
Haruhi forcefully smiled back. "Oh, shut up. I don't know."
"Yo! Guys! You all okay?" a voice called into the room.
"Hmmm? Who is that?" the ribboned-girl asked, looking around for the source.
"...It's me, Haruhi!" Tsuruya's called from the open window; she was clad in a tracksuit that matched her hair. "You should really keep your window closed more often, nyoro. Taiga's gonna take you to Room 101 tonight. If she finds out things about you..."
"...So?" Kyon interrupted. "She knows. We told her friends how we got fat. And she doesn't really scare me at all that much. She's just a short ball of hate and hair."
Tsuruya rested her chin on the windowsill and sighed sympathetically. "I remembers that, nyoro. I was just like you guys back then. I was born into a family of wealth and prestige, ya know. But after so many exotic cheeses, nine-course dinners, and five-layer cakes, I started to puts on a few pounds, nyoro. But at the time, I simply hads too much money to cares. Now that my parents are cheapskates, they sent me to the poorest place they could finds. And ya know what? ...IT SUCKS POETIC JUSTICE, NYORO!"
Ryoko, clad in a blue sweater and knee-length skirt, seemingly materialized out of nowhere from behind Tsuruya and peered into the room, nodding in agreement. "I have a story of my own to tell! When I lived in Canada for a week, I discovered the best thing ever..."
"Love?" Mikuru asked.
"Power?" Yuki ventured.
"Ham?" Itsuki guessed.
"NO, NOT ANY OF THAT JUNK, YOU IDIOTS! It was... pure maple syrup~!"
The others looked confused. "How is that any different from the kind you buy at the store?" Kyon snorted.
Ryoko's jaw dropped. "Because it has the most amazing flavor ever! It's sooo different from all that processed garbage! And you can drip it on anything, and it tastes sweet and gooey... It's like drinking the sweat of the gods..." Ryoko dreamily exclaimed.
"It couldn't have been that great. You're obviously exaggerating," Yuki deadpanned, having never sampled maple syrup before.
"YES, IT WAS!" Ryoko screeched, stomping her massive feet before a wistful expression crossed her face. "Oh, goodness... the taste... it was so sweet. I put it on pancakes, hash browns, bacon, eggs, beans on toast, blood pudding, rabbit leg, pasta, Chinese food. IT WAS LIKE TREE-COCAINE! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT! TASTED IT! OOOHHH!"
Tsuruya stepped back, as though Ryoko might cream herself at any given moment. "Hey, I like eating, but try to control yourself, Ryoko. You look rabid, nyoro."
"I must admit, eccentric as you may be, that all sounds pretty heavenly," Itsuki said, licking his lips.
"At one point, I once soaked a whole tire in maple syrup for a whole day..." Ryoko said ominously, her hands folded behind her back and facing away from the group.
"What happened next?" Yuki asked, almost fearfully.
"Well, my parents walked in and- Hey! Why should I be telling all of you this? Stop trying to trick me!" Ryoko snarled viciously, now trying to pull herself through the window. She was thwarted only by the fact that her arms couldn't lift her off the ground. Mikuru decided to be nice and went outside to help drag in the panting blunette with Tsuruya's help.
"Easy there!" Tsuruya said quickly, putting a hand on the living blueberry's shoulder once they placed her on Kyon's bed. "Remember your blood-pressure, Ryoko. Your heat will explodes! You got to be calm. Like me, nyoro~! I'm lucky that dragging you in didn't break my little legs!"
Ryoko looked up and narrowed her eyes at the fanged-girl. "Whatever, toothpicks. But how can you be so calm? You and I both know damn well about the troubles that can occur here! And you're only here because it's clearly obvious your relatives wanted you to be fat enough to be out of the way while they fought over your inheritance and how to control it! Lousy Canadian transfer program..." she added as an afterthought.
Tsuruya slapped her potbelly and let out a deep laugh. "Oh, Ryoko, that is so funny! Everyone in my family loves me! It's not like they would purposely trick me into gaining weight all these years while my parents weren't looking, so that I wouldn't be around to..."
Tsuruya broke off and stared at the wide-eyed group, a dim memory resurfacing.
"...Then again, they DIDS take me to McDonalds when I was bad. And that was WAY too often. They even pinned things on me that I didn't do! ...I gotta sits down now, nyoro." And with that, Tsuruya sat at the foot of Kyon's bed, a blank look in her eyes.
"Nice going, Fatassakura, you made Cheeseball sad!" Kyon shouted. From her spot on the bed, Tsuruya swept her leg into Kyon's hip. "OW! BITCH!"
"Ha ha. She got you good," Ryoko chuckled. Kyon then resisted the urge to whoop her upside the head with his luggage.
"No wonder why they always Fat-Assed my meals..." Tsuruya continued to murmur almost silently from her spot.
Haruhi didn't seem to care about the pathetic conversation and flopped onto her bed, ass raised up into the air, and her head in her pillow. "I don't care about your life-experiences crap or anything else here! I just need my fix... SOMEONE GET ME SOME FUCKING ICE-CREAM AND BUTTER OR I'LL SMOTHER YOU IN MY VAJAYJAY!"
"Now that was just disgusting," Yuki grimaced, going off to go sit down in her new reinforced chair in the corner.
"Howdy, howdy, howdy!" Ryuji cheerfully spoke, popping into the room with a smile and a tray of covered plates. "I brought your dinners since you all missed lunch during that unscheduled stay at the Sleep Deprivation Tank. I saw miss Tsuruya and miss Ryoko come in here so I brought their food as well. Hope you're all hungry! I got a jug of cranberry juice outside, too."
Not questioning if the blue-haired boy had any ulterior motives, Kyon approached him and snatched the lid off one of the plates. A medium-sized salad lined with apple-slices and chopped-up carrots stared up at him.
"Delightful," Kyon deadpanned lifelessly, thinking about ramming the plastic spork in the plate into one of his own eyes. The entire assemblage of children ate in silence. It was a quiet meal. What made it even weirder was the fact that Ryuji kept on watching them with his weird semi-rape-face.
"What are you staring at?" Haruhi grumbled.
"Oh, nothing. Just wanted to make sure you guys liked the food. Making it through the Sleep Deprivation Tank is a real feat. There's usually a pointy stick involved." Ryuji said in a standoffish manner. "...So any of you guys thinking about your punishment for tonight?"
"Kind of," Mikuru answered, sipping her juice from a plastic up. "But I'd rather not. Maybe Taiga will leave us alone after we just lie down and be quiet. Just give in and let her do whatever she wants."
Haruhi nearly choked on her lettuce. "Are you crazy? We can't let her boss us around forever! I, for one, refuse to let that midget treat us like misbehaving puppies!"
"Really? Where was this fearless leader persona of yours when she yelled at you? Or when we had to clean up that mess that you started? Hmmmm?" mocked Kyon, shooting her a bitter look.
"I was just accessing the situation! I think we can take her if we can catch her off-guard! maybe complain about her! And she can forget all about that punishment or whatever she cooked up. I'm not going."
"Well, I'm afraid you'll still have to go. I'm actually here to take you to your third punishment," Ryuji declared sorrowfully. "And no one who goes will have this reported to their parents." Everyone present paled.
"Deeeaaath! I don't want to go!" Mikuru sobbed, trying in vain to hide under her covers.
"Ryuji, you traitor! I have half a mind to go up and sit on you!" Haruhi threatened. Yuki looked like she might be interested in the idea, too.
"Sorry. Rules are rules. Taiga can be awfully mean. In fact, a few hours ago, she woke up from this nap she was taking on the grass and bit my hand! Anyways, it's best that you all get it over with now, before things stack up for you," Ryuji offered. Facing defeat, the fivesome slowly exited the safety of their cabin. Tsuruya waved sadly from the doorway, Ryoko fell onto the floor from the bed, opening a small crater in the floorboards. On their way past the cabins, Sasaki and her trio of friends stuck their heads out the door, drinking in the fear that was running through their supposed enemies.
"Have fun at your punishment~!" Sasaki crowed.
"See ya later- IF you come back at all!" Kyouko giggled evilly.
"Yeah. Heh," Kuyou dumbly added. She paused to take a drag from her inhaler and resumed chortling.
"Take care, Mr. Kyon! Your ass so fat, it makes even Jabba the Hutt say 'DAAAAAMN~!' Ha ha!" Fujiwara obnoxiously cackled.
Yuki turned to them. "Great, you can repeat Robot Chicken jokes- AND SO CAN ANY LOSER ON YOUTUBE."
Fujiwara blinked, then retreated with a look of pure hurt on his face. The other three cabin occupants dropped their jaws and went to go comfort him. Kyon and Haruhi could only marvel at Yuki's epic ownage-skills.
Once at their intended destination, Azusa and Kallen appeared to help Ryuji walk the group down the hall of the main office building until they reached a rather large room.
Azusa gave off a Cheshire cat smile. "You asked me once what was in Room 101. I may not have told you the answer, but you'll know it. Everyone knows it. The thing that is in Room 101... is the worst thing in the world that you fear the most."
"...That's still pretty gay-sounding," Kyon quipped, electing a frown from the counselor.
The door opened with a slight creak of the rusted hinges, and the seven lardasses were brought into the room. Taiga sat at one end of a metal table, fingers folded in a pyramid. And that was the last sight the group saw before being rendered unconscious by some kind of fog that smelled like burning hair.
"Urgh... Where the- What the hell? Where... Where am I?" Kyon grunted to himself, noticing his surroundings. He was in a grey-color room with a white floor and a single ceiling-lamp. A T.V. on a wheeled-cart sat in front of him at head level. Oh, and he was inside some kind of stockade, with his colossal butt raised up like a bizarre centerpiece behind him.
"Glad to see you awake!" Yusaku chirped, suddenly appearing from Kyon's right side. C.C. hovered behind the greenette at a close distance.
"AAAHHH! Don't scare me like that! And your face is way too close!" Kyon began to squirm against the crude stockade his head and arms were in. "And is this the infamous Room 101? If so, can someone tell me just WHY THE HELL I AM IN THIS THING?"
"Just to keep you from running our or something. People can get pretty violent in here!" Yusaku answered.
"And just in case you're wondering where the rest of your roommates are, they are currently being held in other rooms. There's actually more than one Room 101. It's just cheesy mind-games we use," C.C. said, flicking her hair back.
"C.C.!" whined Yusaku. "You weren't supposed to tell him any of that!"
"Oh. ...Oops then. Hey, either of you seen Lelouch? I asked Suzaku, but he hasn't seen him either. It's like he just vanished."
"Don't ask me about your pretty-boy problems. Haven't seen him."
"Excuse me, but what exactly are you going to do to me in this room? If it's to do with my greatest fear, then I hope you don't have any clowns stashed around here," Kyon spoke nervously.
"Oh. You're still here! Well, we're going to make you endure something much worse... An intervention with your family! We sent a speedy delivery to your house that contained a laptop with a web-cam. This here T.V. is connected to it by satellite, allowing us to have a full-on feed to your home, Kyon! You're going to chat with your family and admit your darkest crime to them as part of this penalty!" Yusaku explained, a little too eagerly I might add.
"My family! What did you tell them? Do they know what we did? that was all Haruhi's fault!"
"As far as they know, this is just part of a mental-exercise. Just go with the flow and be calm. Then you can go. And whatever you say will not leave the confinements of this room. And I won't Twitter about it either," C.C. stated casually.
Kyon took this in. "...All right. Fine. Turn on the T.V.. I'm ready to spill my guts." A second later, the screen blinked itself on. The picture blurred, and an image showed up. A living room came into view, with a large sofa. A male cat that looked more like a fuzzy balloon was lying on its side in a nap. Right next to it was a fleshy mass that looked like a mound of pig-skin. A side-tail decorated the top of it from somewhere. It looked almost like Eric Cartman.
"AAAAHH! What is that thing!" screamed Yusaku.
"It's hideous!" C.C. turned to the side and vomited harshly.
Kyon frowned. "...That's my sister and my cat, Shamisen. She kind of took after me a bit."
"...Oh. Our bad."
"Hiya, Kyon!" greeted a similarly obese Imouto, wiggling her tiny legs under her chubby frame. A bag of potato-chips was held in one of her hands. "Whatcha doin'?" she asked as she munched on a handful.
Kyon resisted the urge to slobber and said. "I'm doing this exercise where I have to tell you something bad I once did, Imouto. Uhhh, where are mom and dad? I thought they were supposed to be here for this?"
"Yeah, this won't nearly be as humiliating!" C.C. yelled, earning a glare from Kyon.
"They told me they had to work late so they asked me to watch the video instead. I had trouble turning on the laptop with my fingers!" said Imouto, petting Shamisen's side. "What are you gonna tell me?"
"Let me think..." Kyon hummed to himself. Part of him searched for a topic, while the other side wished he could scratch his nose. "...Do you remember our thirteenth Halloween?"
"Oh, yeah!" piped Imouto. "The one where you and I went as Fatman and Blobin!"
"Yeah, those were some mean kids. So you know about all that leftover candy you hid under your bed, but when you checked it a month later, half of it was all gone?" Kyon whispered, forcing a smile.
Imouto's eyes narrowed just the slightest bit. "What about it?"
"Eh heh heh heh. Funny story, actually!"
From that point on, Yusaku and C.C. KNEW things would get good.
Things weren't going so well with Haruhi. For one, she had somehow woken up from her knock-out gas-induced nap, and was flailing around before the entrance of the room. Being told what she would have to do in front of her folks scared the daylights out of her. Barret was now trying to force her into the room, the ladies of Houkagu Tea Time looking on in horror. Except for Tsumugi, who was sitting on the ground, mourning the loss of her prized products from yesterday's fire.
"Like, cha," the blond sadly said to herself in her valley-girl accent, tracing circles in the floor. Also, Luka stood nearby, dressed like a pink octopus, and holding a wet towel. Again, weird reasons.
"Do I have to be made the torturer here?" Luka questioned looking at her... tentacles.
Yui smiled and giggled. "Yeah! You were the perfect fit for the costume! Taiga said the octopus strikes fear into all who see it or something! Sorry if you don't like the towel. The cat o' nine tails is under repair."
"C'mon, little lady! Get on in there!" Barret wheezed, trying his best to push the camper inside the room.
"GO AWAY!" Haruhi turned around and bit the soldier's good hand. Her teeth sank in like knives.
"Argh! NURSE! I THINK IT'S INFECTED!" Barret hauled ass out of the room, and past the girls. With a shared look, Mio, Ritsu, and Azusa ran at Haruhi's back to finish the job.
"THAR SHE BLOWS~!" Ritsu slammed into Haruhi's hip with her back. She dug her heels into the ground and started to shove her forward.
"Get your... butt in... there!" Mio huffed. She delivered a kick to enforce her point.
"My hands are sinking in!" Azusa screamed, while she handled Haruhi's side-fat.
"Yow! Never! My parents are probably frolicking in my room! Using it for their air-hockey! I REFUSE TO SEE THEM," Haruhi announced, anchoring herself into place. As if summoned by the darkest forces, Taiga ran inside, having seen the fleeing Barret.
"YOU'LL GO IN THAT ROOM IF I HAVE TO CARRY YOU IN THERE!" she threatened.
"Oh, please!" teased Haruhi. "Like you could! These guys can't! No one here even likes you, I'll bet!"
"Why, you rude, uncouth, stout piece of crap!" Taiga raged, gesturing to the others in the hall. "I am well respected by my peers! My laws and discipline run this place! I dare you to find one person here who doesn't think I am great! Right, Tsumugi?"
Tsumugi dully looked up at the catty woman. "Did the Screechy Kitty say something?"
If the hallway wasn't so dim, everyone would have noticed the single tear slide down Palmtop Tiger's cheek.
"Told you, shortie!" Haruhi forgot about all attempts to escape and started laughing. That was the last straw apparently.
"Okay! THAT DOES IT! You have really pissed me off! Ritsu, I request permission to invoke the punishment of Operation: Green Harmony!" Taiga screeched. "Is that okay?"
"Uh, sure. If that's what you want. I don't like this chick either," Ritsu sneered, rubbing her arm from where Haruhi had bumped her. Azusa nodded frantically in agreement.
"What is Green Harmony?" Haruhi asked. Something told her it wasn't a dating site for tree-huggers.
"Well, it's the strictest thing here. I invented it for kicks! Though I'd never thought we'd have to use it. Basically, we just kick the troublemaker into the surrounding woods for a bit and let them try to survive on their own. No outside-contact at all. If they wanna come back earlier, they can come right back to their cabin, crawling back on their hands and knees! Just with added-on workouts, and a written apology is needed."
"Oh," Haruhi said to herself. She looked up with a wary glint in her eyes. "Just how long is 'a bit'?"
"About three days."
Haruhi pouted and stuck out her lower lip. "Awww, testicles. Well, that's okay. I can deal with that. Especially since I'm ABOUT TO GET THE FLYING FUCK OUTTA THIS CRAZY PLACE! DOUBLE-DOWNS, HERE I COME! OUT OF MAH WAY, JERKS!" The tubby tsundere began to buck like a wild bull, nearly crushing Ritsu and Mio against the wall in her throes. One of Azusa's twin-tails got stepped on, causing her to let out a yowl. Wanting to get in on the action, Yui leapt upon Haruhi's back and wrapped her arms around her neck.
"Settle down, Haruhi! We just want to help you out!" she cried.
"No! NEVER Let go of me, damn it! You're choking me! GRAAAAH!" Haruhi exclaimed, jumping up and down. For each jump, a minor shockwave was produced. Seeing an opening, the brunette ran for the door. Luka tried to hit her with her wet towel in a vain attempt to help out, but was smacked aside by one of Haruhi's ham-sized arms.
"OH, LORD, SOMETHING IS BROKEN!" screamed the poor pink-haired singer.
"She's going nuts!" Taiga shouted. "Restrain her!"
"Yeah, get her!" Luka encouraged, nursing her bloody nose with her tentacles.
"Use the tranq or whatever!" shouted Ritsu. This was followed by Minori and Ami running in with an enormous syringe with green fluid inside of it. It was about the size of a loaf of bread. Haruhi flinched as its tip was quickly jammed into her left arm.
"OW! OW! OUCH! WHAT IS THIS?" Haruhi raged, pulling back.
"A little something to make you go nighty-night!" Minori squeaked, though her voice sounded really far away. Haruhi yawned.
Ami examined the tottering girl and nodded. "Looks like we hit the right vein this time! There's enough stuff in there to put out a rhinoceros!"
"That'll teach you! Hope you like shade and trees for tomorrow! Ha ha ha ha- WHOA!" Taiga had to leap back from Haruhi's attempt to grab her by the hair.
Even as her vision clouded over and drowsiness settled in (and Miku's horrible rendition of Kumbaya began to play), Haruhi had one last fleeting thought to herself before she nearly flattened Tsumugi and Yui with her gut.
I have GOT to get out of here somehow.
A/N: I JUST WONDER WHAT AMI IS UP TO?
And so Haruhi has been banished to the woods to fend for herself. Those poor, poor forest critters. Can Haruhi make it out there? Will the gang encounter more trouble from Sasaki's band of bullies? Will Yuki harm Yui in some way? Where is Lelouch? Why is Minori so creepy? Will Taiga get her comeuppance? Is Shamisen the new Garfield? Will a Jack LaLanne reference come up soon? Will Emiri and TSCP pop up again soon?
Kudos to all the people who helped me come up with jokes and material here!
See you again next time, guys. Another crazy omake is next to tide you all over. Don't worry, after that, I will focus just on this nutty plot. Yay.