A/N: Hello again! Yet another crack fic. Enjoy!
Authors: Me, Daichitenski, and our sister Carlie (she doesn't have an account so I'm using her name). It was all rather odd, we were sitting around having one of our "are they drunk?" conversations and we started talking about the excuses people make up, and we started this one about a bear and berries, and Daichi was like, hmm, this would make a great crackfic. And I was like, I know! I've already started writing it in my head. So, here it is. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I so forgot to do one. I own squat, zip, zilch, nada, nothing.
Warnings: Parody, slash (more of a short mention really, but it's there just the same), OOC, no real plot, and commas, lots and lots of commas.
Assume that the paragraph breaks are when Harry is taking a breath.
I'm going to separate this into different chapters because *drum roll* I CAN!
Beta: My super awesome niece who is now officially my beta-whore (just as I am her beta-bitch), FirstLaugh-LastTears
Note: Honestly, if his rambles bore you, you can go ahead and skip to chapter two, there is no pertinent information in it.
Chapter One: Excuses Excuses
"Mr. Potter! Explain yourself! You were absent yesterday and today you come waltzing in here twenty minutes late!" McGonagall snapped, her accent getting thicker in her agitation.
"But it's not my fault professor! You see, I was walking through the corridors from the dungeons to your class when I was attacked by a bunch of flying berries! As I was trying to defend myself from the very unjustified foofarah, a large bear came from out of nowhere! He stood in front of me and raised his claws high above his head, this scared the berries so they played opossum and fell rather limply to the floor in self-defense. He started screaming about how I'd stolen his berries. I put my hand up, palm flat toward him and said,
'No sir that is not the case at all. I was standing in this hall minding my own business when YOUR berries flung themselves into my face! I must take this time to ask you, my dear Mr. Bear, to control your overexcited fruits!'
He said, 'Oh, well that's another matter entirely.'
Just like that he started to gather up his berries so that they would stop attacking random people minding their own business in empty corridors. Now, of course, I couldn't just leave him there. What kind of person would I be, Professor, if I had just left him to gather up all those berries all by his lonesome? So I started picking up the berries from where they had fallen.
As I was doing this I realized it might be the time to get some answers, so I asked the berries as a group why they attacked me. This one called Kenny said that they had been running away from the bear. They don't mind getting eaten, but they didn't like the bear because he played tricks on their tiny brains. He would love them and pet them and give them proper names like Kenny and Davey. Then, when they trusted him the most, he would eat their best friend! All the berries cried, 'Oh woe to poor Larry!' And it isn't just that he ate Larry, oh no, it was much worse than that. The bear had squished Larry, very very very slowly, and then ate him bit by even smaller bit. It was a slow, torturously painful death.
From that day on the berries vowed that they wouldn't let the bear eat them. So they had escaped. They figured that if they attacked someone that someone would get so angry that he or she would eat them right away! Then they apologized and asked rather politely for a bunch of berries, if I could help them. I told them no, because as much as I wanted to help, I didn't want to be eaten by a bear even less than they did. They accepted this.
Anyway, after we were done collecting all the berries, the bear asked me to help him carry them all to his cave in the woodland forest just beyond the forbidden one. So we did, it took forever. On the way, I accidently dropped Kenny and squished him, at which point half of the berries cried, 'Oh my gosh! You killed Kenny!' And the other half screamed in reply, 'You BASTARD!' It rather sounded like some absurd version of Marco Polo. Oh that's a muggle game usually played in a swimming pool by the way. Well, after that they just flat out refused to talk to me, the stupid ungrateful berries.
Eventually, we reached the cave and I dumped the berries where the bear told me to, bowed to him, and took my leave. Now I realize normally at this point that the bear should've torn me to shreds and eaten me, but the bear, who told me his name is Marianne, said that he wouldn't since I'd helped him carry all those god forsaken berries.
So off I went, back through the woodland forest, but before I could reach the forbidden one, a tap dancing pirate with one wooden leg, a duck on his shoulder, and a purple and green eye patch danced into my path and stopped in front of me. He asked rather demandingly if I'd seen any berries. Well, I wasn't going to lie to him, so I lead him all the way back to the bear's cave. By the time we got there, it was one in the morning, and I was exhausted. The bear had hidden the berries and he was asleep so we couldn't ask him anything. So I fell over and went to sleep. As far as I know, the pirate continued to tap dance.
When I woke up it was about eight or nine in the morning, but I'm honestly not sure because I didn't have a watch and I haven't learned to transfigure one yet. Now, I'm not blaming you or anything, Professor. I'm just saying that if you had done a better job, we might not be in this predicament. To continue: the bear and the pirate were arguing about who got the berries. I tried to mediate, but well, let's just say that it disintegrated into a fight and leave it at that. The bear killed the pirate, which should've been obvious. I mean; a one-legged pirate against a freaking bear!? That would've been cool, if he had won though…
Anyway! So I went through the woodland forest again and this time I finally got into the Forbidden Forest. However, I no longer had a large, ferocious bear to protect me and was attacked by a rather sparkly man with long pointy teeth who was screaming something about how he couldn't read my mind so I must be his mate. He almost got me but then those big spider things surrounded us. I turned into a butterfly, as that is my animagus form, and since I'm illegal I probably shouldn't have just told you that, and flew away. As for the sparkly guy, well, he be sparkly spider food now.
A few hours later I'd finally made it up to the castle and was only five minutes away from your classroom when Dumbles captures me in his stupid silver butterfly net. I turned back into me, breaking said net, since it's designed to hold a butterfly, not a full-grown teenager (no matter how short I may be). At first he thought I was some dark creature. I managed to convince him that I was me, but then he made me fix his butterfly net and that took awhile. When I was finally done I started toward your class again when Luna Lovegood attacked me and tried to extract the nargles from my brain. I stunned her, but was stopped again! This time by Charlie Weasley who chased me around for fifteen minutes trying to kiss me! Why was he here anyway? Shouldn't he be in Romania? Whatever, anyway, so I petrified him, and finally, made it to your delightful classroom. I can honestly say that I've never before worked so hard to attend one class."
A/N: What can I say? Frankly, I'm amazed you've gotten this far.
...200+ visitors and not one of you reviewed? *shakes head sadly* Laaame.