A/N: Again assume that paragraph breaks are when Harry is taking a breath; though I guess technically he doesn't really need to but whatever.
Chapter Four: Extra: V's Death
"So hey Voldemort I was just thinking. I don't really like you. You look like a pickled Frank Burns. You do know who Frank Burns is, don't you? Well I'll tell you, he's a doctor in this old American muggle television show called Mash; mobile army surgical hospital – m,a,s,h – Mash, get it? Doesn't "nes pa" mean "get it" in French? I suppose it doesn't really matter. Hey if I say 'well' you should let me know because I tend to say it a lot when I talk and I'm trying to cut down on my use.
Am I boring you? Not that I care, I'm just curious. No? Okay then. So it, the television show I was just talking about I mean, ran in the seventies and eighties and holy crap was it hilarious. Anyways he was a douche face doctor who didn't like anybody and nobody liked him either. His nickname was ferret face. You really do look like him, had he been a fermented pickle.
You know how they do that? That's where they take vegetables and soak it in brine for a month and a half. Yup that's what your skin looks like, all icky and slimy and green. It must feel really gross being you. Have you ever considered seeing a dermatologist? My cousin Dudley went to see a dermatologist for his acne once. Not sure what she did to him, but it really worked. One, two weeks later, no pimples and they haven't come back.
Now, me, I don't have acne. Not once in my life have I ever been cursed with a pimple. Must be the main character thing working in my favor. I hear sex helps with that too. I don't know if that's true though, didn't have them before I started having sex so don't know if it would've taken them away had I had them.
I think it does though. Ron used to have pimples, I know because he used to complain about them all the time. Then he hooked up with Hermione and stopped complaining. Of course, it might not be because he doesn't have them anymore. It could be that he's just so distracted by the sex itself, or so happy that he's having it, that he doesn't think about the pimples anymore. Or he just doesn't worry about them anymore because he already had a girlfriend and doesn't need to impress anyone anymore.
I don't know about Hermione. Never heard her complain about pimples. I'm not interested in girls, gay you know, so never paid very much attention to what was or was not on her face. My boyfriend's hair is kind of overly greasy, but I never saw him with a pimple either. Of course, he's an older wizard so he could just be using a spell to get rid of them.
I wonder if there is such a thing as a spell that smoothes out skin. If there is you should really try it. I mean, wouldn't you prefer having smooth, silky, beautiful skin to the crap you've got covering your skeleton now? I mean it's your body, your decision, and I guess you don't really think about whether or not you're attractive when you're just going around killing everybody.
You're not very good at making friends are you? I am. Good at making friends I mean. I have lots of friends. Is that why you're a psycho killer? You were bullied in school, ignored by the popular kids? Maybe didn't get enough hugs at the orphanage you were dumped at because no one wanted you? Do you want a hug? I'll give you a hug. Eh, maybe not. Tell ya what, you find that spell for your skin and then I'll give you a hug.
You know this mind link thing is really handy. I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to talk like this. If we were face-to-face you would just kill me and we wouldn't have the opportunity to chat. So thank you for trying to kill me and imbedding that piece of your soul in my forehead. Comes in handy. We've figured out how to nullify it by the way. In fact, the mind link is really all that's left of it now. You won't be able to use it to come back to life, or possess me, or anything actually. And then once you're dead, which, no offense, I hope will be soon, it will disappear completely. Oh and while we're on the subject, I'm sorry to tell you that I've destroyed all the other horcruxes you made. Sucks to be you.
Ya know, now that I think about it, your eyes are kind of cool. How'd you get them that nice crimson color? A friend told me that they turned red after you made your hundredth kill. I think that's bullshit. Could be true I guess, but I seriously doubt it. Seems too stupid and cliche to be true. Actually now that we're back on the subject of your looks, you're too skinny to be Frank Burns. Hmm, maybe Tommy Kirk in his role as Merlin Jones. Yeah that's it. Merlin Jones turned Voldmort, what an odd thought.
All this talking is making me hungry. What to eat though? Maybe macaroni and cheese. Do you like macaroni and cheese? Na you're too much of a sour puss to like macaroni and cheese. I heard this really funny quote about macaroni and cheese. This girl, Juno was her name, it was in a movie, was talking about her boyfriend. She said he was the 'cheese to her macaroni.' I always loved that quote. I wanted to find a love that was like that. But nah. With my boyfriend it's more like I'm the bezoar to his poison. I'm not sure how romantic that is. I still like the sound of it though.
Have you ever been in love Tom? I'll bet it was unrequited. Then again, you were quite handsome when you were younger. You know, before you got all old and gross and snaky. How old are you anyway? I think I read on Harry Potter Wiki, which is this website the Ministry put together to keep track of everybody, why they named it after me I can't even begin to understand. Anyway, it said that you were born in 1926. Hmm, sorry I'm not the best at math. Let's see, er, that would be one, then you'd carry the one make that twelve and - Holy shit! That would make you seventy-one! You are old. Geez, I don't even want to think about how old that makes Dumbledore, him having been your teacher and all. I should've looked up his birth date while I was at it. Oh well, I can always check it later.
Did you know that he's gay? I know! I was surprised too! Well, maybe not so much. Oops there I go using 'well' again. I really do need to cut that out. What was I saying again? Oh right, Dumbledore being gay. Yeah I hear that Grindelwald was his lover, ya know, before Dumbly killed him. Pretty sad when you think about it. You and I though, we are one hundred percent different from them. In that, we will never be lovers. No offense, but ew. If you looked like you did from the diary that would be a different story. But there is no way in bloody fucking hell I would ever touch you the way you look now. Anybody who says otherwise is on crack.
Have you ever done crack? You look like the type of person who would. I would never do drugs. That'll be the main character thing again-"
The rest of his sentence was cut off by a tortured wail. It turned into a scream and then abruptly cut off. Harry smirked. "I don't think Sev thought his plan would work quite so well."
"What's that? What are you mumbling about?" Snape asked snappishly.
"Take a look at your arm."
Snape raised an eyebrow and his lips quirked suspiciously. He rolled up his left shirt sleeve, his eyes widening comically as he stared at his pale, unmarked skin. "It's gone!" He tugged his robes off to look at his shoulder.
Harry laughed at him. "I promise it hasn't escaped to another body part, Sev. It really is gone."
Harry couldn't help but be amused. He'd never seen the snarky man quite so lost for words. "Well you remember how I broke Professor McGonagall-"
"Of course I do. I just paid a visit to her in St. Mungo's last week."
"If you would let me finish!" Harry snapped, glaring at his oil-haired lover. "You remember how you said that my rambling abilities were probably the power mentioned by the prophecy?"
"Yeah…" Snape said, drawing out the last syllable of the word.
"And you remember how you said I could probably ramble anyone to death?"
Snape nodded, his eyes widening as he began to realize where this was heading.
"Well, through the handy little mind link I have with him, I just did. Talk him to death, I mean."
"There is no fucking way that the dark lord, one of the most powerful wizards in the entire fucking world was destroyed by listening to idle chit-chat!"
"Alright, fine. I'm lying. Voldemort is still alive. I just finally found a spell strong enough to hide the mark from sight and wanted to surprise you."
Snape sniffed. "Thank you for telling me the truth."
"Severus! Severus! Are you there? Answer me! This is important!"
They both stood and walked into the living room. Lucius Malfoy's head was floating in the fireplace. "Oh, there you are!" Harry was rather startled to see the stick-up-his-ass-Malfoy-patriarch grinning like an idiot. "You'll never believe it Severus! The dark lord is dead! About ten minutes ago, he gave this scream and then just dropped dead! It's amazing, we're all free! Party tonight, my place, BYOB. I'm gonna go tell everyone else."
His head disappeared and silence fell over the room.
"Sev, you doubted me." Harry said, in a rather dangerous voice. "You know what that means."
Snape shivered at the promise in his significantly younger lover's voice. He sighed and stood, "I'll go get the whip."
A/N: A few of my readers *cough* Basill *cough* said they wanted to see Harry defeat Voldemort in the same way he defeated McGonagall. So, here it is. Thank you all so much for your support. I still think it's very interesting that the story that got the most response is the only one with any sex in it *cough* A Rather Unexpected Result - which everyone should read if they haven't read yet - *cough*. You silly perverts. =D