The Five Stages of My Rage
Prompt: Scrubs – "My Five Stages"
I am not the fine man they all take me for. I'm not. And I never claimed to be. So, I'd really appreciate it if they'd all stop making the assumption that I'm some Iron Man in a suit. I'm nothing more than a father enraged. I've even named it…"Aaron Hotchner's Five Stages of Rage".
My rage at Foyet is elemental. I want to rip out his fucking heart. I want to watch him die…and I want to be the one that ends his life. He took from me. No, he didn't take…that's wrong. He stole. Stole my son…my sense of right and wrong…my confidence. He's a thief. And a murderer. And I want him dead.
My rage at Haley is incidental. She never learns from her mistakes…just keeps repeating them and drags me right along with her because I have no other choice. She holds the trump card. My little boy. From taking my son from me under cover of a case to making phone calls to her mother while in protective custody, she never learns. Refuses to accept that she can no longer be the selfish woman she once was. Whether because of sheer stupidity or stubbornness, my ex-wife is unwilling to do anything the easy way. And I want to scream at the injustice that she gets to be the active parent.
My rage at Dave is need based. I need a scapegoat. And my old friend has been my willing victim. I want to know how he justifies the things he tells me… like how he says that I'm better than Foyet….that it's only a matter of time before we apprehend the animal. Those are lies. Well meant lies, but still…lies, nonetheless. They're just meaningless words at this point. I ceased hearing them a long time ago. I am not better than Foyet. If I was, he'd be in the cage I initially put him in. I am not the better man here.
My rage at Emily was the surprise. She loved me. I knew this. I've even exploited it a time or two. How could such a smart woman make such a foolish decision – falling in love with me? Sometimes, I want to shake her for her stupid choice. She has no idea what she's going to do to herself by loving me. I'm not worthy of her love and she's a intelligent woman making a bad choice. Irritation doesn't begin to cover how I feel. The fact that I've fallen in love with her in return means nothing. She really ought to talk to Haley.
The true source of my rage faces me in the mirror. He taunts me….this man I used to be. The self confident, righteous moron. He doesn't live inside me anymore. He was murdered by George Foyet on the floor of my apartment. I didn't even fight very hard to save the spineless bastard. The only thing that survived that night was bitterness and despair. They are who greet me in the mirror now. No, I'm not the fine man they convinced themselves I was. I live for one thing now. Revenge.