Title: If She Weighs More Than A Duck
Author: Beer Good
Rating: PG13
Word Count: 500
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica, season 1 (but spoilers for the whole thing)
Characters: Adama, Tigh, Gaeta, Baltar, Boomer, Cottle (gen)
Warning: Character (un)death
Summary: Baltar has come up with a new way of detecting cylons. Unfortunately, he didn't think it through all the way. For the zombie_fest ficathon, and kiki_miserychic's prompt "you have got to be frakking kidding me."


If She Weighs More Than A Duck

The commander paced. It seemed like a good idea. Every time he started feeling like he could take it easy for five seconds, something else caught up with them. First the cylons, and now... "How the hell did this happen?"

Gaeta remained at attention; as good an excuse to not look at the bodies as any. "Sir, from what we can tell, the zombie -"

"You have got to be frakking kidding me." Colonel Tigh groaned. "Zombie?"

"Yes, Sir. It seems someone found it on one of the smaller transports, and Doctor Baltar had it brought on board the Galactica without our knowledge to experiment on it."

"And there's no doubt about this?" Adama asked. "We are talking about the living dead. Like something out of a horror movie."

"Yes, Sir. That was Baltar's conclusion, and..." Gaeta hesitated, glanced at the bodies and inched just a little bit away from them before continuing. "Doctor Cottle seemed to, um, agree with it when he examined them."

"Fat lot of good it did him." Tigh shook his head and pointed to the three restrained bodies. "So to repeat the Commander's question, how the hell did this happen?"

"Well..." Gaeta shuffled through a bunch of blood-soaked papers. "According to the notes we were able to decipher, Doctor Baltar was planning to use the zombie as part of his cylon detection device. His reasoning was that zombies are, uh, essentially magical creatures who represent the most base instincts of the person they once were, which is somehow part of why they..." Gaeta gulped. "...eat brains. So, I guess he thought that if you put someone in front of a zombie and the zombie doesn't try to eat their brains, you would know that they're a Cylon."

"And so he tried it on Boomer." Adama put his hand on the late raptor pilot's boot. She struggled against the restraints and managed to raise her head and growl at him through her gag. The blood was still oozing from the bite that had taken out half her neck. "And the zombie got loose and killed her."

"Yes, Sir."

"And then she turned on Baltar?" Adama indicated the scientist who was tied up next to Boomer, moaning through his gag despite half of his face being missing.

"Yes, Sir. And then both of them killed Doctor Cottle when he tried to examine them." Gaeta nodded to the third body, also gagged.

"Alright then." Adama nodded. "Mister Gaeta, remove the gags."

"Sir, I -"

"I'm tired of fumbling in the dark." The Commander's voice was weary, but decisive. "We need every piece of information we can get. If these creatures are even slightly sentient, we..." He shook his head. "The gags, please."

Felix carefully cut the gags with a long knife, and one by one the zombies started screaming. "Braaaaaains," screamed Baltar. "Braaaaaains," croaked Cottle in a slightly huskier smoker's voice. "Central processing uniiiiiits," screamed Boomer.

"Huh." Adama turned to Tigh. "Maybe Baltar was onto something after all."