Characters: Spock, Kirk, Uhura, Starek (OMC), Stavret (OMC)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Spock's paint-peeling command of Vulcan expletive.
Notes: OP asked for some Vulcan swearing. I gleefully provided some. Translations are in parenthesis, because float text doesn't work, here.

Spock's ear twitched, and his eyebrow arced upward. "That is a most illogical proposition, Captain. But, I would expect no less from such an emotional creature as yourself."

Kirk laughed, and the two Vulcan diplomats, standing behind him, stared intently at Spock. "Spock, you know I'm not so good at logic, but I'm great at doing the impossible. Have Scotty realign the deflectors, and we'll show these Romulans why you don't take the Federation flagship at face value."

"Yes, Captain. It will be done."

Kirk sauntered out of the room, to head back to the bridge, and one of the Vulcans turned to Spock. "Kal-tor khart-lan t'du du stariben na'ish-veh svi'ish'le?" (Your captain lets you speak to him that way?)

"D'thin heh kel'o khart-lan t'nash-veh t'ish-vzeh grei. Nam-tor weh-riolozhikaik do ruhm ish-veh - olau thrap lu gluvau kla-min." (My captain is aware of and comfortable with his limits. It is more irrational than even he is, to take offence when shown a fact.)

It was all part of the ritual. To prove the integrity of the crew and their good intentions, one of them had to carry the boiling copper kettle from one side of the massive chamber to the other. Spock had simply walked away from the huddle and lifted it. He had self-control, in abundance, and this was an opportunity to use it to prevent his captain from stepping into harm's way.

About halfway across the floor, the ornate vinework of the copper-looking handles began to crawl upward, twining about his arms. He couldn't have set the kettle down, if he wanted to -- not that he had any intention of doing anything so dishonourable. A single sentence exited his mouth, low and clear, in Vulcan, and Uhura's eyes snapped wide, but Spock did not waver in the least, until the kettle was laid upon the pedestal, at the far side of the room, and the vines released his scalded arms.

He refused to translate the words he'd spoken -- "dah-sahaisaya, ne'lan-tol t'khaf-tukh - masutra-halovaun kotik" -- and Uhura refused to repeat them. It was probably for the best. No sense in reminding anyone else that he wasn't all Vulcan. (twice-damned, copper-bottomed, ocean-going cunt)

It was one of his father's aides who chose to insult his captain, and Spock was feeling a little possessive, after all he and Kirk had been through to ensure the success of this particular diplomatic excursion.

"Vesht putaurau nash-veh vesht ri'aisha khart-lan t'du tevakh t'etek - k'ri'olozhika t'ish-veh," (I am amazed your captain did not cause our deaths, with his illogic.) Stonek drawled, subtly disapproving. For a Vulcan, of course, there was a way to mean that in a complimentary fashion -- sort of an indication of pleasant surprise, rather than of barely-avoided horror.

"Vesht putaurau vakavik na'tren'es t'ish-veh svi'nuf t'duta'es," (I am frequently amazed at his mastery in matters of diplomacy.) Spock intentionally misinterpreted, with a shallow bow of acknowledgement, before his eyes hardened slightly, and he continued, in the same wholly unemotional tone. "Hi zhu-tor va'ashiv nash-veh vlitau du khart-lan t'nash-veh - dahl-tor nash-veh sakal t'du heh terau t'au pa'lahv t'du. Ki'nam-tor ranal na'ish-veh. Ri'kata'uh weh-mesh na'skann svi'ha-kel t'nsh-veh." (But, if i ever hear you insult my captain like that again, I will remove your testicles and tie them around your tongue. I have been trained for that. Do not bring further shame to your family, in my home.)

Those were fighting words, and unmistakeably so. Stonek's cheekbones flashed a brilliant green, as he regarded Spock. "Vesht than saven-tor sa-mekh t'du ri'yeht-shila-kloshai - rish-ha-vel?" (Did your father teach you no manners, half-blood?)

"Ri'ten do vesht saven-tor sa-mekh t'du na'du. Du mesh-veh - heh dungi-katau du na'belgan t'sa-mekh t'nash-veh." (No less than your father taught you. You are a disgrace, and you will be brought to my father's attention.) Spock raised an eyebrow and cocked his head, antagonistically, before heading for the door. "Nash-veh ulef-vulkhansu. Tobeg t'du ra?" (I am only half-Vulcan. What's your excuse?)

The aliens were at it again, with their divide and conquer strategies. In all his years in the fleet, Spock had lost count of how many times new species had tried and failed with these tactics. This time, they were offering him godlike abilities and a starship of his own.

"Stariben du Vulkhansu ha?" (Do you speak Vulcan?) Spock asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"Ha, than etek," (Yes, we do.) the being replied, and Spock wondered how it had learned the complex language in the four days he had been in their possession. Maybe they had met his kind, before. Or, maybe they'd just stolen the Universal Translator sets for it. On the whole, that wasn't relevant to the situation. The important thing was that they could understand him, and Kirk and McCoy couldn't.

"Marom. Ri'aitlu ken-tor katravahsu t'nash-veh ra tvai tvar-tor na'du." (Excellent. I do not want my friends to understand what I intend to tell you.) Spock's head tilted in that way it only did, when he was up to something. "Nufau tu t'nash-veh kal-tash t'Enterprise heh kup'es pidesh pehka-yehat tash fi'sutra, vinan-tor khart-lan heh nen-has-lan?" (You are offering me the opportunity for control of the Enterprise and the ability to exert unmitigated control over the crew, including the captain and chief medical officer?)

"Yes, that is correct."

"Sem-rik nufai, hi dva-tor komihn zhit-bal if dan-marom zhelesh kesaya t'nash-veh fi'nufai t'tu 'lahv-tor lok t'nash-veh'." (It is a fascinating proposition, although I believe that the human phrase that best sums up my response to your offer is 'blow me'.) He nodded and made finger quotes. "Worla svik-tor wuh-katravahsu t'nash-veh, heh ac'ruth ri na'duh-ugaya maut." (I would never betray my only friends, and certainly not for such a vapid promise.)

For that, he spent three days being tortured, while they tried to break Kirk, before Scotty got them out. For all that Vulcans are a generally non-violent race, Spock had a deliciously wicked rush of pleasure when Sulu opened fire on the foreign ship's engines, and the warp core redistributed their atoms across half the system.

The lime-green Klingon scout ship was hailing them -- unusual, but not implausible. It was when the viewer came on that everything began to come apart at the seams. Two elderly ... Vulcans? sat on the bridge. Well, one of them looked more Vulcan than the other. The other was probably Romulan, which meant the first likely was as well. Spock just stared, and Kirk greeted them.

"Khart-lan Jim! It is a pleasure to see you again!" (Captain) the more flamboyant of the two Romulans began. "Oh, but you don't know us, do you? That's fine. You may, in time. I am S'thora Starek. We are looking for Spock." (Commander)

Spock stood up. "I am Spock. I would assume from your lack of shields that your intent toward us is non-violent."

"Non -- Oh. Oh, dear. This is one of those places. Stavret, take a mark. There's an instance, here," the flamboyant Romulan sighed, and his compatriot nodded, attending to the console. "Permission to speak freely on the subject of temporal variance, in front of your crew, Khart-lan?" (Captain)

Kirk nodded, entirely baffled. "My crew and I were there, when a time-traveller destroyed Vulcan. You can talk temporal dynamics to them."

"Destroyed ... Vulcan?" Starek paled. "Stavret, take a mark."

He sat, dazed, on the corner of a console. "Tushah nash-veh k'odu, k'diwa." (I grieve with you, beloved.)

"Ri't'du," (I am not yours.) Spock remarked, in confusion, raising an eyebrow.

"No, you aren't. I am looking for another instance of you. I am looking for the one who came from my time," the flamboyant one continued. "I am looking for my husband."

The entire bridge fell silent and stared at the viewer.

"Ambassador Selek was beloved to another, in his time. Your husband is not here, or if he is, we have not encountered him. It is possible that he fell elsewhere in the timeline." Spock pointed out, still absorbing the impact.

"Imirrhlhhse. Forgive the intrusion, then. Many times and many places were disrupted when Romulus lost continuity in that one place, at that time. But, I ask you to remember, should you meet us, in some place, in this time, we will not be at all as we first appear." (Well, fuck.) Starek bowed, in the traditional Romulan fashion, and then raised his hand in the ta'al. (Vulcan hand salute) "Stavret, prepare to jump."

The viewer clicked back to the outside of the ship, and then the scout ship was gone, in a rippling black flash.

"Lieutenant Uhura, please put your fingers in your ears," Spock commanded, after a brief pause.


"In your ears. Your fingers. Now." One of his ears twitched.

"Yes, sir." She watched him, in baffled fascination, fingers firmly blocking her hearing.

"Dah-sahaisaya ek'ashalik pekh nash-pekh ra? Katelal na'Rihansu? Telik na'Rihansu farr-halovaun? Yokul nash-veh ta'bek than ish-veh ra? Vlitah na'vokaya t'T'Khasi. Vlitah nafu na'kau t'nash-veh." (What the twice-damned everloving shit is this shit? Mated to a Romulan? Married to a time-travelling Romulan? What drugs would I have to take to do that? This is an insult to the memory of Vulcan. This is a personal insult to my good sense.) Spock spoke calmly, over his upturned hands, giving the impression of a man in prayer. At last, he cricked a finger, and Uhura unblocked her ears. "Thank you, Lieutenant. That was a personal moment."

and that one time...
Spock dropped the tricorder on his foot and stared back over his shoulder at the captain. "I am uncertain I heard you, properly. Would you repeat that, Captain?"

"I said, 'Nemaiyo na'yuzhat t'du'," (Thank you for your discretion.) Kirk repeated, with a wicked smirk.

Spock looked dismayed. "Ki'stariben du Vulkhansu nosahp t'farr ra?" (How long have you spoken Vulcan?)

"Weh do hiyet farr," (More than enough time.) Kirk said, flippantly. "Ma du ru'lut rislauk." (You've got a foul mouth.)

"Captain, I apologise. I will attempt to maintain greater professionalism in the future." Spock stiffened.

"Worla vesht stariben ri'tizh-tor ish-veh. Keep it up, Mr. Spock. It pleases me that someone around here speaks his mind," (Never said I didn't enjoy it.) Kirk laughed.

Both of Spock's eyebrows arced up. "U'istau tu, Khart-lan, ni'dungi nam-tor ish-veh." (As you wish, Captain, so shall it be.)