Disclaimer: I own nothing.
A/N: I plan on writing a letter from each teammate's point of view, including Lou's. Basically, each chapter can stand on it's own if you'd like. Feedback is love and is muy appreciated :)
First up, Jules.
Team one hasn't been the same since you left us. Everyone can feel it, but no one says anything.
That day is still so clear in my mind. It started off as just a routine call, Spike dismantles a bomb and we go back home. But I guess fate had a different plan for us.
That moment you told us, my world was turned upside down. And when Sam gave us his words of wisdom, I felt even worse. Of course I know the risks of the job, the whole team does. But all the training and preparation they give you can't prepare you for that moment. The moment when your team breaks apart, never to be the same again. And Spike, poor Spike. It hit him the hardest. You guys were best friends, and he feels like he failed you. It hurts to see him so disheartened, when he should know there was nothing more he could do. I'll try to help him understand.
We joined the team together. When I went through all the extra training for rookies, I went through it all with you beside me. My team one always had you on it, Lou. Without you, everything feels wrong.
We miss you so much, Lou. I see the team trying to hide it, but beneath the "I'm fines" and the forced smiles, I can see the grief, raw and powerful. You know how we are with this emotional stuff. We feel weak when we admit we're upset.
I wish something had happened differently. That something we had done or said could have changed that day's outcome. We won't stop blaming ourselves for what happened, you know that. In our minds, it was something we did that turned the day for the worse. But I'll try to let the guilt go, Lou. I know you would want me to. You would want us to move on and accept our new teammate with open arms. I'm not lying when I say I tried.
Leah Kerns is filling your spot now. She's a good team member; I just wish she was joining under different circumstances. I think I'll like her. She said not to hate her for joining the way she did. I know she's right, but it's hard. I wear the band she gave us everyday at work. She was right, it really does help. She's from the Fire Department, and she said she's lost team members before. But I don't think she's ever lost family in the line of duty.
Because that's what you are to me. You're like my brother. I knew I could always count on you. The hole you left will eventually scar over, but it won't ever fade away.
I guess it's getting easier to cope now. When I think of you now, sometimes I can smile. Now, I can remember some of the good times we've had over the years.
I can remember that April Fool's Day a few years ago, when you and Spike put cream cheese in our vests before training. We were practicing tactical entry, and when Ed took down the "subject", he covered himself and the Sarge in cream cheese. I laughed so hard I feel down, and then I was covered in cream cheese, too. Wordy was the only who managed to get out cream cheese-free. At least, until we had a cream cheese fight. It took hours to get it all off ourselves. Those were the good old days, Lou. Then, it was easier to laugh and joke with everyone else. That was before everything felt forced.
You've made me realize things, too. The entire team knows about my previous relationship with Sam, and how I ended it to come back to the team. But with you gone, you've made me realize just how delicate life is. I still love Sam, and I know every call could be someone on the team's last. I don't know what to do, I can't have both. But I can't choose between Sam and the team. For once, I don't know what you would want me to do. We never talked about something like this. Whatever choice I end up making, I hope you approve. But if that's too hard, I hope you can accept it at least.
I miss you, Lou, more than you will ever know. I hope wherever you are, you're happy. Maybe someday we'll see each other again, but I don't know how this stuff works. I hope team one continues to make you proud. You sure made us proud.
We will never forget you, Lewis Young.