A/N: Well hello hello. This is a little something I came up with because my mind is like a huge open space; hope you all enjoy. Bella's got a potty mouth and well… Edward is Edward. Enough said. This fic isn't anything like 'Never Again'. There will be some angst in there, and maybe a dash of drama too, but I am looking for giggles, and if you are crying, I would like to think it is because I'm kinda funny.
So, on with the show.
Lots of fun and smut to come.
Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: SM owns all things Twilight. I own the rights and idea of Gargoyle, read the chapter, and you'll know what I mean!
Chapter 1: The 'Live Peen Show'
It was Tuesday night and I was setting up my work area for the sketch class I take at a little art store downtown. Tonight we were studying the 'male specimen' and one of the models from Jade Agency was coming down to be our um…guinea pig I guess you could call it. I'm giggling like a damn girl waiting for the ice cream truck!
Really we were going to be sketching a nude dude and I was totally stoked.
I know there's supposed to be some artsy fartsy shit that we should be getting out of this experience, but I've seen the models from this agency in catalogs and was more than a little excited by the fact that I was going to see a live peen only feet from me, well inches seeing that I got to class 20 minutes early and took a front row seat, and I was planning on ogling it for at least an hour, if not more. That's sixty minutes of peen, 3,600 seconds if you're counting like me, and I couldn't be more excited for 7pm to hit so that we could get this show on the road.
Now, I know what you're probably thinking; I'm either a whore, or sex deprived, or something like that to get so damn excited about sketching a peen, but really, I'm not a whore. Far from it actually. And about the sex-deprived part, yeah, I guess you could say that, but really, sex deprived is an understatement.
Born again virgin is more like it.
I hadn't had sex in several years and the only release I was able to find in my time of being an 'against my will abstinent nun'was in the form of my trusty rusty rabbit.
He was my best friend.
I was starting to think we were going to be besties for life.
Wouldn't that be sad?
Yes, yes it would.
It's not that I was fugly or not wanting to get a piece of ass here and there, but I didn't want to have meaningless sex and wasn't willing to hook up with guys just to get in their pants and then kick them out the door. I had morals. Some. I wanted a real relationship with all that love and shit you see in the romance movies.
I also had my two best friends that basically kicked every guy to the curb that got within twenty feet of me. It didn't matter that Emmett was happily in love with our friend Rosalie, or that Jasper was a male slut; when it came to me, I was still pure and virginal in their eyes. Psh…please!
Emmett and Jasper knew me better than anyone else in this world, and that I was anything but pure and virginal. Not that I was a slut or anything, but I knew what it was like to be in a relationship, have nightly sex, and amazing orgasms. Hey, if the guys can talk about the bedroom stuff, well then so can I.
I did find it funny though to see their faces distort in disgust when I'd chat about the amazing sex I had, or ask them to help with the wall that had to be repaired from said sex I had the previous night. It was hilarious when they mentioned the skanks they fucked, but for some reason me talking about my personal life was supposedly off limits and the gag reflex was in full force. Whatever.
But that brings me back to the fact that I hadn't had sex in years, so I haven't been able to give them a good story in all that time. Bummer for me for sure.
Emmett, Jasper and I grew up in Arizona and had known one another since birth. Emmett and Jasper are brothers, twins actually, and we were born just days apart. Our parents met one another when we were all still in the hospital. It was friendship and meant to be from the get go. We grew up doing anything and everything together and because of that, I had some really funny stories about each of my boys that I have and will continue to use against them for the rest of their lives.
Unfortunately, they have their own fair share of stories that they can and have shared about me. Shit.
When I got accepted to the Art Institute of Chicago, Emmett and Jasper decided to head to the University there as well and the three of us ended up getting an apartment doing the school thing together, leaving the Arizona heat behind us. Sad, I know, but it had to be done.
It wasn't long after we moved that Rosalie Hale entered our lives. She quickly turned into our fourth partner in crime. Rose and Emmett had a love/hate relationship for the first year or so, but the four of us became fast friends. She ended up moving in with us after her lease was up on her apartment, second semester of their freshman year. Rose and Emmett have been dating since we were twenty and it's been love/hate ever since.
Everyone had always just assumed that Jasper and I were an item, but in all honesty there has never been any physical attraction there for either one of us. We tried it once or twice on a drunken bender, but it just wasn't happening. I loved him like a brother and wouldn't want it any other way. That would just be weird.
The four of us have lived together for the past six years, and I loved almost every minute of living with my best friends. We have our fights here and there, but those three people mean the world to me and have been there for me through some pretty shitty times. I moved out for about six months when I was twenty-one and when I came to my senses, they took me back with open arms.
That story is for another day.
Let's focus on the fun for now.
It was 6:55pm and the live peen show was about to begin. Where's the popcorn? I usually sat by myself in these classes, just the way I liked it. I didn't do this to meet new friends or anything. I liked to draw and work on different types of work other than what I usually do.
I reached down to grab an eraser out of my bag when I heard the chair next to me screech against the floor. There, taking the seat next to me was a short pixie like, black haired… girl? No, she was just short. She was clearly an adult, but really short. Cute nose too.
"Hi. Is this seat taken?" Her voice was high pitched and squeaky and she was literally bouncing in her chair. It was kind of cute.
"Um… no. It's open." I gave Squeaky a small smile, then pulled my hair up into a bun and stuck a pencil through it to hold it up. I'm not a bitch or anything and am not opposed to making friends in these classes I just don't go out of my way when I don't have too.
I went back to staring off at the chair and silk fabrics that sat ahead of us, ready to get this show on the road, while Squeaky continued to get her stuff together.
"I'm Alice by the way." She held out her hand for me, and I took it in mine shaking it lightly as her grip tightened. Wow. Wouldn't have expected someone so small to have so much oomph in that grip of hers.
"Bella," I said quickly, realizing that I was staring at her a little longer than necessary.
Her hair was cut short, styled in a spiky disarray, and it fit her small frame perfectly. She couldn't have been more than one hundred pounds soaking wet, but looked somewhat ferocious like maybe a mad kitten or something.
"You're probably wondering why you haven't seen me before," she started. And no, I actually would have figured that she was here every Tuesday night just like me. I don't usually pay attention to anything but what I'm doing. I'm totally unobservant in that fashion. She took my quietness as a sign to continue. "I just moved to Chicago from New York and wanted to get in on the class. I heard that we're sketching some nakedness tonight! Are you excited?" Her face beamed as she spoke and I couldn't help but get keyed up just because it was the aura she was giving off.
I had to laugh at her 'nakedness' comment, thinking that she was just as hard up for the real live peen show as I was.
"Why yes I am," I responded. "Why do you think I'm sitting up front? I'm the girl that sits in the back row in every class I've ever taken. But then again, I've never gotten the opportunity to take a sketch strip show class either." I pulled a loose piece of hair that had fallen out of my bun and stuck it behind my ear as I felt the heat spreading across my cheeks. My telltale sign that I was either embarrassed or excited about what I've said.
In this case, I was clearly excited.
"Ooh! This is going to be so much fun!" Alice clapped her hands together as she pulled out her sketchpad and put her phone on vibrate. I noticed her purse was Prada, and her phone was the newest version of the iPhone or whatever. I realized that she obviously had some money from the name brand clothing I've seen in the photo shoots that Rose has brought samples home from.
Working as an artist, I wasn't starving, but unless I sold something big I was pretty much just living. Not that I had expensive taste, but after finally paying the hospital bills off, I needed to re-build my nest egg back up.
The teacher brought the class to order and Alice and I decided that it would be in our best interest for us to shut our yaps so we could get going with the live peen show.
I liked her. She was hyper, talkative, and had an interest in peen, quite like myself.
And anyone having as much interest in peen as I do is good in my book.
The teacher; who was in her late sixties explained that the model would be coming in shortly, and that we should show him the utmost respect and that nudity was natural and beautiful.
Oh it was beautiful all right, but as far as showing respect, well, I couldn't promise that I wouldn't ogle his naked ass for the next sixty minutes or fantasize about all the things I wanted to do to him or his "natural beauty" if I had my way.
I looked over at Alice and noticed that she had a naughty smirk playing across her lips as well.
Dirty, dirty little girl.
Hell, what was I saying? Wasn't that the real reason I signed up for this class in the first place? Come on Swan, you know damn well that the only reason you signed up for a beginner class like this was that you saw the flier with the eight week itinerary indicating that there would indeed be a live peen show.
Rafael, aka live peen show came in a few minutes later. He was twenty, Native American, muscles harder than a fucking rock and looked like sex on legs. Even with his robe still on, I knew I wasn't going to be leaving this room with dry panties.
I really should have planned ahead and worn a pad or something so I wouldn't be called out on anything.
That would be awkward.
I looked over at Alice and saw that her cheeks were red, and that she was taking off her sweater all seductive like, leaving her in a spaghetti strap tank top that was tight on her small frame and showed a good amount of cleavage.
Ooh, she was hot and bothered and winking left and right at Rafael, showing him a little something. Smart girl.
I unzipped my hoodie and put it on the back of my chair, leaving me in my midnight blue halter that showed my nice C cup chest a little, anxiously waiting for some attention from the hotness in front of the room.
I know what I said, not looking for a one night stand, yada yada yada. But you're not here, and you can't see what Rafael looks like! For him, I would be good with 20 minutes in the hallway closet and saying see-ya shortly after.
Rafael disrobed, and I shit you not, there were light moans being heard from every corner of the room. Rafael winked at Alice as he sat down, letting his tight muscles flex as he moved and the next thing I know she's on the floor, chair tipped over as she fell off ogling the sexy bastard!
Smooth. Real smooth little pixie!
I held out a hand for her, as we both fell into hysterics at her sleekness. Alice sat up quickly and tried to act like nothing had happened.
Not happening. Everyone including Rafael was laughing quietly.
I hadn't been brave enough to look down yet, not wanting to be a total perv, even though I knew that every single eye in this room was focusing in on his manhood. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and let my eyes wander over his hairless chest, chiseled abs, that I wanted to lick by the way,and finally the 'V' that led right to his… whoa, wait!
Isn't there supposed to be a peen there?
I looked a little harder, squinting my eyes until I found what I think was the head of it.
Barely visible I might add.
Could he really be proud of this thing? Really?
Apparently I wasn't being too secretive about my searching and saw Rafael looking directly at me. He mouthed 'What? It's cold in here!' as I broke out in a fit of giggles trying really hard to think of my dead cat from high school, or my foot getting run over or something, but nothing was working, and I only laughed harder.
Really? He was using the 'cold' excuse? Come on.
Just admit that the tree branch was more like a twig.
That the cucumber was rather a baby carrot.
A diminutive dangler.
Maybe when they were doing the circumcision they took a little too much off the top.
I'm sorry, is that a pencil in your pants?
It's ok. Not every guy is well endowed. Obviously, honey, you are clearly in a category all of your own.
That just meant that I didn't have to worry about the party in my panties selling me out. It obviously would not be the case tonight!
I snuck a peak at Alice and saw that she was stifling back giggles too. She totally saw him mouth the poor excuse to me and wasn't buying it one bit.
For the next hour I worked on my sketch, only the guy in my picture had a 9-inch cock, erect of course, and ready to party. That made Clitzy, yes I named my downstairs, all excited and the party in the panties was in full swing. Get the disco ball rolling cuz we're going all night!
Alice and I showed one another our pictures as the night went on, and she took my idea of extending his 'little man' literally, and we had two of the largest peens on the planet for our pictures. Very talented artists I might add.
She was a fucking hoot, and I could see her fitting in with our gang pretty well. After seeing the sketch of the 12-inch cock on her page, I knew our pervy heads were in the gutter together and it was the start of a beautiful friendship.
Class ended shortly after 8pm, and as hard as Rafael tried to get our attention, neither Alice nor I were looking in his direction or wanting any type of that piece of pie.
I put all my supplies back in my messenger bag, pulled on my sweatshirt and put my bag across my chest, ready to head out and catch a taxi home.
"Oh my God, I can't remember the last time I had that much fun!" Alice said as she grabbed her stuff and we made our way out of the store together.
"I know. I thought I was going to about die when I saw his barely there nub. Well, that's after I searched night and day to find the little thing. It looked like one of those canned hot dogs that are sold for babies." I laughed thinking back to the real picture in my head, shaking it back and forth trying to think of it at least a few inches longer and thicker.
No dice. Didn't happen.
"You're too funny. I was thinking the same exact thing! Were we sisters in another life or something? What is it that you do, Bella?" Alice asked as she pulled on her sweater and I pushed the door open for us to walk outside.
"Oh, I'm a photographer. I just take this class for fun." I wasn't about to admit to her that I knew there was supposed to be peen art and that was the only reason I took the class. Too bad it was disappointing peen art. "And what do you do? You said you just moved here?"
Alice nodded and smiled. "Yup. Just last week I moved to help my family set up their new office. Cullen Industries? You heard of it?"
Uh… wow. Alice Cullen? Wow.
"Of course I have. That's your family?" Alice nodded as a small smile formed across her face, proud of the name. Cullen Industries was the leading pharmaceutical company in America and were always doing something for charity and giving donations to needy organizations. "I commend you and your family for all that you've done for the Children's Hospital here. It really is amazing to find giving people now days."
"It's what we do. My father Carlisle is Chief of Staff at Memorial Hospital. He and my mother Esme have been here for about 6 years now, wanting to bring things closer to home, so we're opening an office here in the city, and my cousin James is going to run the New York office." Alice looked so proud of her family and I couldn't blame her. From what I knew about the Cullen's, they were extraordinary people.
"You want to go get a drink or something, Alice?" I asked, thinking that I wanted to spend a little more time getting to know this chica.
Alice looked truly bummed, sad face, pouty lip and all.
"I'm sorry, I can't. My ride is already here, and I gotta get going. Long day at the office tomorrow." Alice pulled out her phone again and passed it over to me. "Why don't I get your number and we could maybe get together tomorrow night?"
I nodded in agreement and put my number in her phone, then called mine from hers. We said our good-byes and decided on drinks at O'Hara's Pub tomorrow night at 8pm. She got into a black Aston Martin moments later and waved me goodbye.
I hailed a taxi and made my way home.
I threw my keys in the basket on the table by the door as I walked in, slamming the door hard knowing it would piss everyone else off, then took off my messenger bag and discarded it somewhere along the way to the living room. When I got there, I plopped my ass down next to Jasper who was sitting in his 'Spiderman' boxers and grabbed the plate of pasta out of his hand.
"Hey! BB, no. Mine!" Jasper swatted my hands away like I was a fucking dog and took back his plate as I gave him my pouty bottom lip and sad eyes.
He caved and gave me a fork full of pasta as I smiled chewing with my mouth open, then swallowing loudly.
I made the food. The least he could do was let me eat it!
"Thanks Jazzy!" I leaned my head on his shoulder, kicking my feet up on the coffee table and fell into the movie he was watching.
Of course it had to be 'Knocked Up'. We'd seen that movie so many times; we were able to recite the lines word for word.
Halfway in to the movie, Rose and Emmett emerged from their bedroom, Rose in a tight tank top and short shorts and Emmett in just a pair of boxers grinning from ear to ear.
Their room smelled like sex, I got a good waft of it as the door opened, and I was feeling just a little bad that Jasper had to be around for that shit.
I looked over at him and gave him an 'I'm sorry' look as he stuck his finger in his mouth, fake gagging himself.
"Hey, at least as it wasn't as bad as last time," Jasper said out loud to me as he looked over at Emmett who threw himself into a recliner. Rose took the spot next to me on the couch and Emmett almost whined that she didn't want to cuddle.
Emmett and his cuddling. Emmett, who was 6'4 and weighed over 300 pounds of pure muscle, was a cuddler. Didn't matter if it was Rose or I. Though we were completely platonic, by the way. He liked his cuddle time.
"Don't remind me of last time." I said as I swallowed the vomit that made its way up my throat.
'Last time' involved the kitchen counter, flavored oils, naked body parts, a hole in the wall and a lot of bleach to clean that shit up.
Ugh! 'Last time' was awful! And no, we don't want a repeat!
"How was your class Izzy Bizzy?" Emmett asked as he let his one leg hang over the side of the recliner, giving me full access to the junk.
"Em, seriously. Cover the flashlight!" Emmett didn't move from his position having no problem with anyone seeing the meat and potatoes he just gave Rose for supper.
Emmett nodded his head for me to tell him about my evening, not caring at all that he was airing himself out for the world to see.
I guess you couldn't call Jasper and I the world seeing that Jasper was his brother, I was his best friend and we've all seen it all thousands of times, but still. Some decency would be nice for once.
Maybe when we're old and gray and his balls sag more than they already do, he will learn to cover the junk and have some respect for his friends.
Then again that's a big maybe, as in most likely not happening.
"Well, there was supposed to be a male model for us to sketch tonight, and I was all excited for some peen action, but then…" Rose cut me off, sitting up a little straighter and getting all excited when I said the word peen.
Yeah, Rose and I loved us some peen.
"Ooh! Why didn't you take me with? I so would have gone with to ogle some peen!"
See, just like I said.
"But baby, if you went with you wouldn't have gotten the 'McCarty special!'" Emmett wiggled his eyebrows at Rose, making me want to gag, again. Jasper dropped his fork heavily on his plate and put it on the coffee table.
"Please Em, do not talk about the 'McCarty Special'. You know that's my last name too, and you are totally defiling it." Jasper looked at his brother with fake disgust, a small smile playing across his lips.
"Oh, puhlease little bro. You've used that line so many fucking times that half the city probably has had the 'McCarty Special', so shut your mouth and let me use it for once!" Emmett reached into his boxers and scratched his junk, in front of all of us. As usual.
"Whatever. And 'little brother'? Puhlease your own ass! I was 5 seconds behind you!" Jasper pointed a finger at his brother as they both broke out in laughter. "Oh, and stop scratching your balls in front of the girls. It freaks them out!"
"Not me," Rose said innocently as she licked her bottom lip making Jasper and I groan in pain together. I swear the bleach she used on that blond head of hers was messing with her ditzyness meter.
"Well it does for BB and I. I have nightmares over that shit!" Jasper got up to take his plate in the kitchen as the three of us laughed at his outburst.
"So anyway, about the peen. How was it?" Rose crossed her legs underneath her, bouncing and waiting for me to tell her all about the not so big show.
Too bad there was so little to tell.
"Well, Rafael was hotter than fuck, and I was just a little nervous that I was going to make a scene by how hot and bothered I was getting in the fruit of the looms. But then he disrobed, and the party in my panties stopped and headed somewhere else, cuz there was nothing to celebrate." Rose fell back against the couch laughing, as Jasper and Emmett looked mortified that I was talking sexual. Seriously, after all these years together, they should have been used to this shit by now.
"BB. No talking about the party in your panties. Em and I can't handle it. Especially after a full stomach and all." Jasper rubbed his stomach and made a gagging noise.
"So he really was that small?" Rose said, as she held out her hands looking for a size. I took her hands and slapped them together to signify there was nothing to see on that man. "Seriously? Oh Belly, that is so sad. Your poor rabbit is really gonna get a work out tonight, isn't he?" Rose rubbed my shoulder as I leaned into her side and we both cackled at the nub I saw.
"He said that he was 'cold'. I couldn't believe he was even trying that one. Alice and I were about dying laughing by that point. Well, after she fell out of her chair that is." I was shaking with laughter to myself remembering the poor pixie falling to the floor in anticipation of the man down under. What a disappointment that was.
Emmett's booming laughter filled the room as he grabbed his stomach holding it as he barreled over, turning red he was laughing so hard.
"Dude, I can't believe he would even use an excuse like that. It's the oldest one in the book. Which by the way, I've never had to use!" Emmett looked so proud of himself, smug smile and all.
Unfortunately I had to agree. Rose was a very lucky lady when it came to Emmett and the size of the man in his Simpson boxers. There was no way she wasn't feeling that shit between the sheets.
And in Jasper's defense, he was pretty well off in the peen department too, and I only had to wonder if their father Sam had some good DNA, with mongo cock mixed in.
I always wondered…. but that would just be weird, seeing that I always saw him like a father figure in my life.
Huh. Funny where your mind wanders.
"So, you said Alice. Who's that, BB? I've never heard you talk about anyone you've met in class before." Jasper was a little too excited to hear about Alice. Most likely because he was wondering if she was bang worthy or not.
"First of all Jazzy, you can't fuck her. I like her, and think she'd fit in really well with us. And," I cut him off before he could try to protest, "I wouldn't want things to be weird around us if you did a 'wang and bang' on her."
Rose started chuckling at our choice wording for all the one-night stands that Jasper's had throughout the years.
"BB, you don't have to be so harsh. Just tell me what she looks like. Maybe we're destined to meet, and if the fucking comes with it, well I'll be damned if that shit wasn't supposed to happen." Jasper was grinning from ear to ear and Emmett yelled out a 'boo-ya' from across the room.
"Well, she's a short pixie like chick with a dirty mouth and a love for the peen, so in all honesty, she really probably is a good fit for you, but I don't know. I just met her. Let me get to know her and see if she's something I would be willing to give up for you. I kinda like her. She's got spunk!"
"I'll give her some spunk!" Jasper mumbled under her breath. We all heard, and three pillows were thrown at the poor horny bastard. "You guys all suck, I'm going to bed."
Yeah, good excuse Jasper. We all know what you're really going to do in there.
I pulled two tissues out of the Kleenex box and held them out.
"Here you go baby. Have fun, but don't forget to clean up. I've thrown away far too many of your sheet sets due to the spunk you've left on them!" Jasper flicked me off and started to walk away before coming back and grabbing the tissues from my hand, head hung low.
Just like every other night, he turned on his iHome and went to work on his poor man in the pants. Gargoyle hadn't gotten much action lately and took to a nightly ritual of having some alone time with lefty.
How I know all of this you might ask? Well, I have the bedroom right next to Jasper, and have heard the same 'Man Eater' by Nelly Furtado playing every night for the past 3 months. Oh, and 'Gargoyle'? Yup, we all have names for the parts in this house. It just makes it more fun when the stories come out.
Emmett, Rosalie and I finished up the movie and then retreated to our respective rooms. Emmett said that I could come and cuddle with him and Rose, but in all honesty, unless it was laundry day, I didn't get within 10 feet of their bed and the spunk that covered their sheets.
I was a cuddler myself, but wasn't so much for bodily fluids that didn't belong to me.
I changed into a pair of boy shorts and a tank top, crawled into bed, turned on a porn and pulled 'Pattsy' out of the drawer. He needed some new batteries and I made a mental note to add another pack to my list when I went to Sams Club this weekend. Too bad that last multi pack only lasted two weeks.
I had hopes of thinking about the live peen show from earlier tonight, but after the nub barely made an appearance, I decided it would have to be porn tonight.
Thank God for Skinemax. It wasn't the best porn, but it was at least something to get the jollies going. For now at least.
A/N: So… what do you think? I've got some chapters written and hope that I can give you all a good laugh or two. Edward will show up in the next chapter and make his presence known. Yippee!
Reviews are like Edward Peen or your own personal 'pattsy'. Push the button and shoot me some lurve!