Prank Calls of Middle Earth

Andrew Joshua Talon

DISCLAIMER: Duh, Lord of the Rings is not mine. As a note, this takes place after "The Return of the King". It is short, pointless, and incredibly stupid, but I wrote it in my younger years and thus was prone to bouts of fanboy-induced idiocy.


Peregrine "Pippin" Took was snickering maniacally as he quietly tip toed to his home. Under one arm was a small, black box that clanked a bit inside with each step the Hobbit took. He finally made it to his hobbit hole, and sat down at his phone.

Yes, for the purposes of this story they have phones. Don't ask me why.

Pippin cackled evilly as he hooked up the device to his phone. Pulling out a book that said in large letters "Westron Area White Pages", he skimed for one and punched up the number.


Arwen Evenstar sighed. She'd been with Aragorn for a few months as Queen of Gondor (what a joke!), then some nasty happenings had followed when she caught him in bed with Eowyn. Her blood boiled at the fact that, as King of Gondor, Aragorn could do anything he wanted, and secretly banished her to Rivendell. Naturally, by this point it was abandoned, a ghost town cause all the other elves had left for Valar. Sure, she had gotten back her immortality, but it wasn't very reassuring in the big scheme of things. That was eight monthes ago.

Any way, on this night she was sitting on the footbridge where she and Aragorn had shared a kiss before he left for Mordor, eating a gallon of strawberry and lemba ice cream in the nude. She lived by herself-She could eat what she wanted, and no one was around to see her. She'd tried to distract herself by making up riddles, tending the gardens (which did it themselves but she was willing to do anything to releive her boredom), bathing/swimming in the river, running for no reason, sword-fighting her shadow and a few other things I dare not mention (sweatdrop), but to no avail. She was bored out of her skull, and her heart ached.

"Beep beep beep, beep beep beep, beep BEEP beep beep Beeeeeeeeep!" rang her cell phone in the tune of Jingle Bells. She pulled it out of a gunny sack, and clicked it on, holding it to her ear.

"Arwen Evenstar speaking. If this Aragorn, hang up or I'll cast an Elven curse on you, bastard," she answered. Pippin on the other end snickered silently, then gently altered his voice.

"Arwen?" asked Pippin in the voice of Legolas Greenleaf. Arwen's eyes lit up. Legolas! Oh, dear Legolas, her childhood best friend. The adventures they had, the trouble they'd gotten into (like hiding Elrond's crown and dumping water onto people in the patios below), and the things they'd seen. Legolas had actually kissed Arwen once, during a royal gala. Legolas, only five, had asked Arwen to dance, and she accepted. They danced with the adults, bumping into many people, but Legolas had given her a kiss, and ran away as she giggled while blushing like mad.

"Legolas? About time you called," replyed Arwen,"I'm about to recruit some Orcs and raze Gondor out of boredom." Pippen did an excellent imitation of Legolas's musical laugh.

"I just wanted to tell you that I was wondering..." Peppin added a nervous-sounding pause to it. Arwen tapped her spoon on her leg.

"What? Wondering what?" Pippen could barely contain his giggles.

"If you'd like to visit me? I'll provide everything for you, if you wish," finished Pippin, nearly about to break down into hysterics.

"Certainly! I'll be there in an hour," said Arwen,"See you there!" Arwen hung up, and, dropping the ice cream, spoon and cell phone into the water below, leaped in the air and whooped for joy. Then, she looked down at herself and blushed mightily.

"Erm, I'd better find something to wear," she said to herself, and dashed off. The ice cream, spoon, and cell phone all floated back to the surface and popped up onto shore, thanks to the magic of Rivendell. The elves did not wish to leave a mess.


Pippin, at his home, laughed so hard his lungs almost collapsed. However, he soon calmed down, and looked in the phone book for his next victim. He dialed up a number from the Gs, and waited.


Legolas, too, was all alone in Mirkwood. He was the prince of a peopless kingdom, and as such he tried a number of things to stay active and sane. As he generally avoided the humans and others, he talked to the Ents. Well, he tried for a while, but it took a day just to say hello in their language. He then amused himself by killing any orcs that approached his domain, but this, too, got old. And so he sat, in his talan' in the forest, going online and posting fan fiction. He was writing "Blonds and Brunettes," a slash about Eowyn and Arwen (his creative juices seemed to flow best when he was writing something unique), when his phone rang. He, fortunately, had two phone lines, and picked up the phone while still typing. He held it to his ear with his shoulder as he made his way to the part where the two fell into a river.


"Legolas! I just wanted to tell you that I'm coming for a visit, kay?" said Pippin in the voice of Arwen,"I'll be there in an hour, kay?" Legolas was rather suprised. Sure, Arwen was a good friend and they'd been partners in crime when they were little, but they'd drifted apart when she'd gone with that two-timing bastard Aragorn. His blood boiled.

"Okay! I'll see you then, I suppose." "Arwen" hung up, and Legolas immediately saved the fic and logged out. However his lifestyle had downgraded in physical activity, he was still prim and fit, and dashing, as a human maiden had put it. He had to be ready.


Pippin plotted even more diabolical plots and schemes in his humble hole. He looked in the "As" again, and dialed.


Aragorn was busy reveiwing papers, and trying to keep his mind off Eowyn, when his phone rang. He picked it up.

"Hello? King Aragorn of Gondor speaking..."

"Aragorn, we need to talk. It's me, Arwen," said Pippin, in an almost perfect imitation of the Elven princess,"Meet me at Mirkwood in an hour, please."

"Um...Okay!" Aragorn was always happy to put bad things behind him. He got on his cloak and walked out the door.


Arwen got out of her car (They have cars, got it?!), smoothed her white dress for no apparent reason, and walked to Legolas' tree. She knocked on the bark.

Legolas stuck his head out of a window.

"Hello, Legolas!" shouted Arwen. Legolas looked down and smiled.

"Arwen! Do come in," he said in his gentlemanly manner that made fan girls go goo goo. Arwen grinned, and made her way to the room of the tree.

Aragorn arrived in his limo (HE'S A FRICKING KING! He would have a limo! Well, he does in MY story, anyways :p), waved the driver off, and looked around. He couldn't see Arwen anywhere. He scratched his head, then looked up at Legolas' tree. THe Elven prince was up there, and so was Arwen! They were talking and-Holding hands?!

Aragorn growled, and climbed up the tree.

"So Legolas, anything new?" Legolas thought.

"I'm writing Fanfiction," he said, smiling.

"Cool! I would, but some dummy elf took the modem before he left," grumbled Arwen. Legolas laughed, and gave her a hug. They were prone to do that, being close to eachother.

"ARGH! Legolas, you elven bastard!" Both Legolas and Arwen looked out the window, and saw Aragorn swinging from a rope dramtically towards the tree.

THUD. He hit the side of the window, and fell to the ground below. CRASH! Arwen and Legolas stared down at the unconcious king, stared at eachother, then shurgged and went back to talking, but not before Arwen dropped her cellphone on Aragorn's head.

Aragorn, already numbed in pain, stared at the cellphone that had landed on his head. He hit a button, the Caller ID, and saw a listing: Took Hall, Hobbiton.



Pippin was laughing up a storm when his spy in Mirkwood told him about what had happened to Aragorn. While he'd intended that the King and Legolas fight over Arwen, this was still satisfactory. He was about to call Rosie in the guise of Frodo, and get Frodo and Sam to fight over her (THAT would be amusing!), when he felt a rough hand grip his shoulder.

Pippin looked up, into the bruised, battered, and dirty face of Aragorn, King of Gondor. THe king flicked his eyes over the phonebook in Pippin's hand, the marked entries, and the guilty look on Pippin's face.

"Er, Aragorn! Buddy, pal!" That was as far as Pippin got before Aragorn through him out the window and the sound of someone landing in throny rose bushes filled the night.


Dear God, I still cannot believe I wrote such crap when I was younger...