A/N: Just a quick, written in ten minutes type of thing. Ulquiorra read Twilight. And didn't like it. Go figure.

My name is Ulquiorra Cifer. Lord Aizen, for reasons unknown, is forcing us to read trashy books and write book reviews about them. He had a whole box of trashy books from the world of the living and each of the Espada had to choose one. The one I chose was called Trashlight- no wait, Twilight. I have garbage on the mind. The only reason I picked Twilight was because it looked depressing and emo, like me. This turned out to be a huge mistake, but I wrote the book report anyway. Here it is.

Trashy Twilight Book Review

Twilight is trash. The plot, if it could be called a plot, is absolute garbage. Bella is pathetic trash. I could crush her in one second flat if I chose to, but I do not waste my time with such weak garbage. Maybe I should tell Yammy to step on her. She just irritates me that much. She cannot even fight her own battles and has no spiritual power. And how is it that even though she's the "new girl" in her trashy little town that about a million trashy teenage boys think they're in love with her? It makes no sense at all, I mean, who falls in love with trash? Only other trash, I suppose. James should have killed her. Unfortunately, James is also trash, and ended up being defeated by that trashy vampire wannabe.

Edward is arrogant trash. He is more like an Arrancar than a vampire, and a weak one at that. He may be able to use Sonido and Hierro, but he has no zanpakuto and no spiritual pressure. Yammy could crush him in the palm of his trashy hand. He also sparkles. Where did that come from. It reminded me of Barragan's trashy fraccion, Charlotte, or that trashy Soul Reaper, Yumichika. And he watches his trashy girlfriend sleep, even though she is 17 and he is 107. Edward is a pedophile, it seems. A billion trashy girls are in love him because of his appearance. I do not understand. What's so special about pale trash that someone happened to pour glitter in?

If I cared about your time, I would tell you not to waste it on such worthless garbage. However, I don't care, so if you want read this trashy novel, I suppose it's your loss. You can become a "fangirl" just like all the other garbage who came before you. Having completed Lord Aizen's trashy assignment, I now draw this trashy book review to a close.