Well, here it is. I hope you enjoy it. For a longer rant, go to the end of the chapter. I know I said I'd post an epilogue, but in the end felt unnecessary. Maybe, in the future, I'll post a little one, but don't count on it.


This isn't so bad. Sure, I would have preferred, you know, not dying a virgin. That sucks a lot. But being dead isn't that bad. It's… Quiet. Yes that's the word. I could get used to this. I mean, it could be worse. I was pretty sure I was going to Hell. This probably isn't Heaven, either, but this limbo is not bad. It really isn't. I could stay here a few days. Or centuries. I… I feel I can rest here. I can finally rest. Nothing here but myself, this blankness and this numb feeling. I really could go for a nap after all that crap. A really long one.

Holy shit… I've never seen something like this.

I wonder where Mom is. I'd like to see her. Just to know if she's alright. Wait, let me rephrase that. Stupid question. She's dead, of course. Like me. I want to know if she's in pain, or if it hurt to her. It hurt to me. For a moment, at least. She then apologised, and everything felt better. I wonder why she apologised. I don't remember her doing something wrong to me. It's all Father's fault. I… I don't want to think about the alternative.

You obviously weren't in Tokyo-3 when the Sixteenth… Wait.

I guess that's another reason I want to see her. To ask her if she knew what would happen. If she was aware of what entering Unit-01 meant. Ask her if she did it on purpose, to manipulate me, and Father, and everyone. I want to ask her but, at the same time, I don't want to. I don't know if that makes sense but Mom was always the victim in all this. Some kind of Virgin Mary dragged into this against her will. It's… It's better to believe that. I don't want to think neither of my parents gave a real shit about me.

What's wrong? Just confirm there's nothing left to salvage from the Eva and…

Look, you idiot!

Wha… Wait, is that…

Holy fuck!

And I'm doing it again. I really shouldn't have begun that train of thought. I was feeling pretty well with myself. I just had to begin rational thinking. I just had to. I'm an idiot. I really…

Shouldn't we wait for instructions?

You wait! We already reported and I'm not sitting here doing nothing! He self-destructed to save us, I can't just do nothing!

We should wait for the recover team… Opening this up could be worse…

Have you seen the state of this thing? It's a miracle it hasn't collapsed on itself.

Who do those voices belong to? Really, leave a dead guy alone. I was okay here, thinking by myself. And now I'm wide awake. I won't be able to sleep for hours now. Really, what a bunch of rude…


This… This is horrible…

Do you think he's…

Of course he is! Just look at him! He's… God…

We can't leave him here. It's just wrong. He… Wait a sec.

What now?

Will you shut up already? You're getting annoying. And loud. And I'm cold. And I don't know how, but I'm feeling uncomforta… Guagh! It hurts, dammit! What the… God, it hurts so much!

He's alive… Holy shit, he's fucking alive! Come on, you idiot! Call again! Tell them to hurry the fuck up! He looks about to come to! Hurry up, dammit! Ikari! Ikari! Damn, I don't know if you can hear me but stay with me, okay? Don't die on me like this! What about that team? Will they come already or what? Tell them the pilot's still alive!

Oh, you have got to be shitting me…




Tear-jerking happiness.

Shinji felt none of those when he woke up. He did, however, feel impossibly horrible pain, with a nice side dish of brain shattering agony. Also, the air tasted like a plane crash. He tried to scream, but his mouth wouldn't pronounce a sound, and he realized his hole face was bandaged, his mouth almost unable to open.

"The doctors are starting to take you off the meds." A voice said, "They said you would feel slightly uncomfortable"

'Slightly uncomfortable'? No, seriously? Shinji wanted to scream at the stupid giant talking cupcake, but his mouth only managed to mutter something that sounded like "Mrguffghi". The talking schoolbag frowned at him.

"You look more than a little uncomfortable. Are you in pain?"

"No shit, Sherlock!" Is what Shinji wanted to say. It sounded more or less sounded like 'Ghrellbmnla'.

"I thought so." Growled the furry chair, "I'll go get the doctor."

Shinji wanted to thank the encyclopaedia, but it left before he could. No more than two seconds later, Barney the Purple Dinosaur entered the room, followed by Sailor Pothead.

"See?" Barked the eight foot tall wardrobe, "I told you it was too soon!"

"We understand, Lt. Soryu." The floor lamp said, "But we had to see how he…"

"This is bullshit!" The fire extinguisher screamed. Shinji would have liked it to stop doing that, "He's no lab rat, God dammit! Don't wake him until you're sure!"

"I understand." Adamaï agreed, walking towards the candy factory next to Shinji's flying cloud. He touched some magic buttons, and Shinji felt a lot better. So better, he decided a nap felt perfect right about now. He wanted to thank the Dragon Pig, but his over drugged brain fell asleep before he could.

The next time Shinji woke up, he wasn't hurting nearly as bad as before. Also, the room wasn't melting around him, which was good. He groaned slightly, becoming aware that his jaw was free for him to move, allowing him to actually open his mouth in the process.

When he tried to talk, however, he felt his throat dry and sore. The young boy grimaced but before he could make a move, a glass materialized in front of him.


Shinji took the glass and emptied in one gulp. He turned his head and managed to form a very tiny smile.

"Thanks." He said huskily. Asuka just nodded, "Aren't you going to punch me?"

"No. I'm not." Asuka glared at the man, "Yet."

"I'm glad. I don't think I could handle one of your right hooks just yet." For a few seconds, Shinji said nothing, "Look, Asuka, I…"

"If you say you're sorry, I'm going to forget you're confined to a bed." She interrupted, "I just want to know what the fuck is wrong with you!"


"No, seriously. Explain it to me because I'm just incapable of understanding what goes through that messed up head of yours. Please, explain."

"I just... It was the only way to destroy that thing. Unit-01…"

"Shut up." The redhead interrupted him, clenching her teeth, "Shut up, because I'm trying really hard not to kill you right now. I'm not asking that. I'm asking what the hell you were thinking."

"I… Well, it was the only way I could kill that thing, so…"

"Even if cost you your life?"

Shinji just nodded, averting his gaze and refusing to look at his fellow pilot.

"Why? You thought about incapacitating my Evangelion and Unit-05. That was no rash, desperate decision. You had to think about it."

"You'd have never let do it." Shinji answered simply, "Not alone. You would have stayed with me, if only to not let me take the glory of the heroic sacrifice."

"Damn right I would have!" Asuka exclaimed, "Did you ask my opinion? What, do you think your life is less worthy than mine?"

Silence was her only answer for a few seconds.

"God…" Asuka gasped, "You really think it! You really think it's okay for you to die!"

"No!" Shinji yelled back, "I wanted to live! But there was no other way! And I could have never done it knowing it would have killed you too!"

"You're a fucking imbecile!" Asuka screamed at his face, "A God damned selfish son of a bitch! What about me? Huh? Do you have any idea how I would have felt? Do you have any idea how I felt when your fucking robot exploded in front of my eyes? Are you really that stupid?"

"Asuka, I…"

"You what?" She roared, seemingly unaware of her tears, "What the fuck is your problem? You promised, you asshole! You swore it! You said you'd never do this again and you lied! You lied and I thought you had died and you're an asshole and I hate you so much!"


"Shut up! I'm not done!" Asuka screamed, grabbing him by the collar of his gown and shaking him violently, "Do you…? Do you…? God, you know I hate repeating myself! I won't forgive you, you hear me? Never! You… You… I don't even know a word to describe what you are! I don't think it even exists! Not even in German!"


"I said shut up! Do you know how long have you been in this bed? Do you? Three months! I've spent three months without knowing if you'd ever wake up! Do you have any idea how…? No you don't! Because you're an insensitive asshole!"

"You're hurting me…"

"Good! Now you'll have an idea of-"

"I mean you're tearing the stitches open…" Shinji explained as calmly he could.

"Oh…" Asuka finally released him and sat down again. An awkward silence befell them.

"I have the most terrible feeling of déjà-vú"

"I know what you mean."

Asuka finally started laughing for a good full minute. When she finally settled she wiped again the tears, still giggling.

"That's… This is ridiculous. You are ridiculous. We are ridiculous. This whole situation…"

"I get the point. Ridiculous."

"It's just… How is this even supposed to work? We? Together? We're going kill each other within a week."

"I'm willing to take the risk. I don't have a very strong attachment to life, anyway."

"You're an idiot."

"I get that a lot. From you, actually." Shinji pondered for a few seconds, "Hey, Asuka. What I said back then… I meant it. I didn't say it because I was going to die. I really love you"

Asuka blushed furiously, before muttering something under her breath.

"What was that?" Shinji asked.

"I… I said…" Asuka growled "Gott! How Am I supposed to stay mad at you now? Asshole!"

The redhead stormed out of the room, grumbling about smart ass doormats and stupid, stupid Shinji's.

The young man just chuckled and lied down, drifting back to sleep.

When Shinji woke up, he glanced sideways to look at the clock on his bedside table. It showed him he had only slept for more or less an hour after Asuka had left yet again after berating him a bit more. She seemed to do that a lot these days. Shinji assumed she needed to bend out her worries and frustration now that Shinji was awake and (more or less) well. And telling her about his undying love for her had only worked the first five times. Shinji thought he would have to let it rest a few days, to give her a sense of security before using that card again.

He turned around to face his visitor, who was currently poking him with a spoon.

"Hi Ziz"




Poke. Poke. Poke.



"Would you please stop poking me with the spoon?"

"I find it… enjoyable." she answered without stopping "I think I'll keep doing it"

"Stop" The humanoid Fallen One obeyed, "I guess you've learned a bit during these three months."

"I have become acquainted with what you Lilim call 'sense of humour' and 'relaxing'."

"I said stop it with the poking already!"

"It relaxes me."

"Well, it surely doesn't relax me!" Shinji snapped finally taking the spoon, "What? Every time you want to relax you go around poking people with a spoon?"

"Yes. I also use my fingers and some times even forks. Although that didn't go over to well the last time I used a fork. I may have poked a bit too hard."

Shinji groaned.

"To be honest, I expected to see you earlier."

"I was… Unsure about what your reaction would be."

"You were nervous?"


"Are you nervous now?"


"Is that why you were poking me?"


Shinji sighed. This was just perfect.

"You don't have to be nervous around me. Really. You were the only one who tried to understand."

Ziz said nothing, not daring to tell him the truth about her desires. There was no point now. Mother was gone. She was the only one left. There was no meaning in trying to persevere.

"What should I do now?" she asked. Shinji thought for a few seconds.

"Whatever you want." he finally answered.

Ziz tilted her head in confusion.

"Until now, getting me and Unit-01 to join you was all you wanted, right?" Ziz nodded "Well, I think that would be a bit difficult right now, wouldn't it?"

Ziz nodded again.

"There you have it. I can't tell you what you have to do. Nor do I want to. I know you're scared, now. You think your existence has no meaning. You're wrong. Just go, and do what you think you should do."

"…I think I understand" Ziz fidgeted "Though… Can I ask for your assistance if I ever feel confused?"

"Of course." Shinji said with a smile, giving her back her spoon, "Now go poke someone else. Try Asuka. She'll love it."

Kozo Fuyutsuki stared. Kozo Fuyutsuki glared. Kozo Fuyutsuki hated. Everything was his fault. Sixteen years of work just gone with the wind, destroyed by the whim of a brat too stupid to understand the greatness of what he had tried to achieve. He just…

"Good night, Kozo." Shinji said.

"So you were awake."

"Yes." Shinji answered, his voice betraying a little smile, "This is getting old."

"What is?"


The Commander said nothing, studying the young man lying in the dark.

"Have you come here to kill me, Kozo?"

Fuyutsuki grimaced. He had been aware of the subtle mockery every time the boy called him 'Commander', but right now Shinji didn't even bother to be subtle. He despised the old man before him, and wanted to rub his victory on his face. Fuyutsuki gritted his teeth.

"You have ruined everything."

"You didn't answer my question." Shinji pointed out.

"Do you have any idea of what you've done?" The Commander growled. He wasn't Gendo Ikari. He didn't have the saintly patience that the late Commander had exhibited.

"You sound surprised. I don't get why." Fuyutsuki couldn't see his face, but he was sure Shinji was smirking at him, "I warned you. I told you I wouldn't let you restart Instrumentality."

"This has nothing to do with Instrumentality, Ikari!" the Commander roared "Don't you get it? You killed her!"

"No." Shinji answered, his voice betraying that he wasn't smiling anymore, "She died sixteen years ago, Kozo. She died when she activated Unit-01 for the first time. You just didn't want to accept it."

Fuyutsuki sneered, "You can tell yourself that, if it helps you sleep at night."

Shinji hoarse guffaw almost made the older man jump in surprise.

"Kozo, you're an idiot." Shinji mocked, "You think I did that without her consent? You think I could have destroyed Unit-01 without her saying so?"


"Mom was tired, Kozo. All these years inside Unit-01, all those battles. She grew weary of it all."

Fuyutsuki clicked his tongue condescendingly.

"Don't mix her with the likes of you. Yui was special. Stronger."

"Of course." Shinji mocked, "Because everything went according to plan, right? Since the very beginning, the Project Evangelion was a continuous success, everything going as it should."

"You're a fool." Fuyutsuki replied, in the same mocking tone, "You think you know everything. You think you understand everything. Let me tell you, Ikari. You. Know. Nothing! Yui…"

"I don't care." Shinji interrupted him, "You're right. I probably don't know everything. But I know enough. Or did you think I would simply sit down and watch you destroy everything again?"

"Aren't you the little hypocrite, Ikari? You were the one that initiated Third Impact. You, and only you, chose to do it. And now you come to give me a lecture?"

"You're the one who doesn't get it. You're delusional, like Father was. You say you remember Instrumentality. You should know better. It was nothing more than mass genocide disguised as a spiritual experience. None of it was real."

"Maybe. But you should be aware of this already; it was the only place people like us could be happy. The realities created within it were the only refuge for souls as tortured as ours."

For a few seconds, silent darkness was the only answer the Commander got.

"For Christ's sake, Kozo." Shinji finally breathed, "Grow a pair already."

Fuyutsuki didn't answer.

"I mean… Seriously?" The younger male continued, "Are you really saying this? To me? How old are you? Are telling me that in all those years you were unable to find a bit of happiness in this world? A wife, children, grand-children? You sacrificed it all to follow some stupid idealistic dream of a world of blissful happiness. Reality doesn't work that way, Kozo. If you want happiness you have to fight for it everyday. Happiness isn't some kind of drug-fuelled trip, where everything goes your way and you feel like lollipops and clouds. Happiness is something deeper than that, better than that. I know that, now. And I don't believe you don't know it, too."

The Commander remained silent.

"This is meaningless." Shinji said, "You're only a stubborn old bastard, unable to face the fact that he was wrong. Like my Father's, your brain just can't register the fact that the world won't play like you want it to. Father failed. You failed. Unit-01 is gone. Mom is gone. And I'm tired of this shit."

Kozo Fuyutsuki remained silent for a few seconds. His right hand played with the silenced pistol he had been hiding in his pocket.

"You've grown, Ikari." He finally said, "You've become smart, and cynical. To be honest, I thought you would never make it this far. I scorned you. You were nothing like your father; something I thought made you unworthy of my attention. Your father thought the same. Just some pawn that would never dare face him. Seele didn't even acknowledge your existence. Yet, in the end, here you are. The final victor. The big winner. Decades of planning and years of scheming gone at your whim. You must feel pretty proud of yourself."

Shinji chuckled in the darkness.

"Damn… You still don't get it. I can't believe you still can't understand it. I don't care about your plans. I didn't care about Seele. I don't even give a shit about humanity as a whole. From the very beginning, I just wanted two things; acceptance and love. Only that. You really should have predicted that, once I managed to get them, I would die for them without a second thought."

Kozo Fuyutsuki said nothing, his hand gripping the handle of the weapon. Finally he sighed tiredly. What was the point? Yui wouldn't return. Unit-01 was done for. He had lost. He could kill him, of course, but nothing would be gained by that. He should do what Gendo Ikari did not, just accept defeat.

He left the room.

"Why am I stuck with dragging your sorry ass around?" Asuka growled. Misato sighed for the tenth time.

"You already know that. The doctors said he shouldn't walk for a few weeks, yet. There's still risk of some complications."

"I know that. What I'm asking is why I'm the one pushing the blasted wheelchair!"

"Because, I love you?" Shinji ventured.

"You shut up." The redhead growled. Misato chuckled.

"Don't be like that, Asuka. Though I can understand your frustration. I bet you thought you could ravish Shinji the moment he left the hospital."

"What? I didn't! I can't believe you said that!"

"Don't act prude on me, Asuka" Misato said with a giggle, "We're all adults here"

"Shinji!" The redhead complained, "Say something!"

"I can't wait to finish what we started, too."

"You know what? Screw you, Shinji!"

"That's the idea." Misato said. Asuka just yelled in frustration.

Shinji smiled. Sure, he had still a long way to go until he recovered. Sure, NERV wouldn't let him retire completely even if Unit-01 had been destroyed. Sure, judging Asuka's expression, he was in for some terrible hell when they were alone.

But he was young, he would survive. And, as long as he was alive, everything could improve. He was leaving a very long chapter of his life behind him. But, for the first time in his life, he was eager to see what the future had in store for him.

And that's something.

FIN ('BETA'd by: Slicerness)

And that's it. It's finally done. Neon Genesis E

vangelion fanfic, 'Dark Kabbalah' is finally complete. I… I don't really know what to say. I guess… I guess I want to first give some specific thank yous:

First of all, to ; who was one of my most faithful reviewers. He began in reviewing in chapter 3 and hasn't missed one. Also, his/her help and advice from the very beginning of this story helped me a lot. Dark Kabbalah simply wouldn't have been the same without him/her.

Secondly, I wanted to thank SolidJJ, who also has been a pretty consistent reviewer. His outraged post on my cliff-hangers and his obsession with lemons always managed to lift my spirits. I'm really sorry I couldn't give you your porn, but I couldn't manage anything of quality. Please don't kill me.

Of course, I could say this without thanking everyone who ever posted a review: zerouzumaki34, who was the very first one; CB93, who became a constant in my later chapters; Sonnes-Loco77 and his minimal posts… And too many for me to name them all. Because, without you, this fic wouldn't have been finished. Never.

And last, and probably most important, I want to thank slicerness, who volunteered to be my beta reader, having to read my horrible, horrible uncorrected chapters. This story wouldn't be the same without him. Thanks a lot, man. Really.

I guess that's it. There's nothing much to say anymore. What I'm going to do now? I don't really know. I guess I'll return for a while to my mother language, Spanish, and write a bit. I'm getting a little rusty on my vocabulary. But this isn't the last you'll hear from me, people. I'm not done. I'm never done. And I'll be back, one day. Because Evangelion deserves it. Because is too good of a premise for me to be apart from it for very long. Keep sharp, because the day you less expect it, I'll have another story beginning. And I hope you're all there to see it, and that it's better than this one.

Thanks a lot and yours forever;

inuzuka pau.

Alternate ending, by slicerness

But he was young, he would survive. And, as long as he was alive, everything could improve. He was leaving a very long chapter of his life behind him. But, for the first time in his life, he was eager to see what the future had in store for him.

Aside from sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future that is.