When Emmett's gone, they take me back to my room. They take me back and put me on watch. I know I'm on watch because they take my pens, paper, even my wristwatch and laces. Damn, and I'd only just gotten upgraded from Velcro. I get to keep the trainers, however, which I suppose is a plus. I'm not sure exactly why they've put me back into the At Risk category. Some procedural thing. Maybe because I flipped back there. But really, what else did they expect me to do? Just take that shit from him? What does he know about Bella? What does he know about what I feel for her, what's best for her? I know what's best for Bella, and that's me.
I'm good for her, they just don't see that. But she saw it. She knew I was really good for her and she proved it when she came with me when I suggested it. She knows it deep down inside even now, or she wouldn't keep coming to see me. What I didn't tell Emmett was that yes, she has to keep attending her sessions - but that those sessions don't need to include me. She just has to see her psychiatrist.
Speaking of psychiatrists, Doctor Kerman comes in. Why can't they all just leave me alone.
"Do you want to talk?"
"Do I actually have a choice?"
"Why am I back on watch?"
"Hopefully it's temporary. I'm here to assess you. It's standard procedure when a meeting becomes confrontational."
"I wouldn't have said it was confrontational. I didn't even hit him."
"Did you want to?"
"Yes. I imagine the same amount he wanted to hit me." The doctor nods.
"Are you intending to harm yourself or attempt to incite violence." I almost snarl my reply.
"If I was, I wouldn't tell you."
And that's how I end up back on suicide watch. Moved out of my room and into the one with the big window in the door, through which someone looks every five minutes. They've taken my clothes and given me a paper suit, and I have different, laceless trainers. I'm not even planning anything. I just wanted everyone to go away and leave me alone. Now I feel like I'm in a fishbowl. Is it too much to ask just to be left on my own for one damn day?
That's what I ask the doctor when he comes back.
"Because you're officially classed as at risk. Jasper, have you considered that at the end of this year, you have to be reassessed? And the outcome of that will determine whether you have to spend another year here or if we can start working towards your release?"
"Maybe this is where I belong," I say, picking the sleeve of my paper outfit. "Maybe it's better that I stay here."
"Why would you say that?"
"Emmett might have been right. I'm not good for her. I don't deserve her. And if I don't have her, then there is nothing for me. Not out there, at least in here I have some routine and people to talk to me and people who don't judge me. There is nothing outside but people who think I'm evil."
"So I should just recommend your indefinite detainment here."
"Can you do that?"
"Jasper, you can choose to stay here, or somewhere like it, for the rest of your life, as a voluntary patient. I could endorse that, but I don't think you should be here. I think you have the potential for a good recovery, if you allow us to help you, if you begin to let go."
"Let go of what?"
"Everything. Everything you're still clinging to. Think of this as a new start, or as a different option in a create your own adventure book." Despite myself, I smile.
"I'm not ten."
"No. But it's a good analogy. You have two choices - stick to this path. Cling to Bella, and the pain. Or let her go. Accept that while you may remain in touch, perhaps even be her friend, you will never be with her again. Bella will always mean pain to you. My advice is to let her go. Let her have the happiness you will find one day."
"I had happiness with her."
"No. You could not possibly have been happy with her, not really. No, Jasper, don't answer me yet. Nobody could have been happy in your position. Perhaps you thought you were, but I tell you now that you could not have been. When you are not so blinded by your craving for her - because it is a craving, not love - you will realise that. And the sooner you accept that you have lost her, the sooner you can get better. Because you both need to get better, Jasper, not just one of you. And every time she pushes Emmett away to prioritise you, she pushes herself back two steps. The first step here has to be happiness. And not happiness for just one of you, but for both of you."
"So - do I follow the knight or do I go back the way I came, right?"
"Yes. Now, take this paper, and this pen, and write down all the times you identify as being happy with Bella, and why you think they made you happy."
"Am I allowed to have these?"
"I'm sitting right here, Jasper. And I do have to stay, but take all the time you need and give me the list when you're finished. I have a book here, and I'll read, so I won't be watching you. Take your time."
I stare at the paper for a long time, and he doesn't chivvy me along or say anything. He appears completely immersed in his book. Maybe I'll ask him to teach me how to look completely involved in one thing but in reality be doing another - I'm not stupid, I know he must be sneaking glances. So. When was I happy with Bella? Happy.
Well, I was happy that time my Aunt Maria took me to Sequoia National park to go camping. That was a good trip. No Dad. And before Mum died, we had good times together. But - I never felt like that with Bella. It wasn't good times.
"Never," I say in a low voice.
"Never what?" He leans forward, looking at me. I take a deep breath.
"I was never happy with Bella."