Ah, Dora. Dora, Dora, Dora. The explorer. I really just don't know where to begin with her. First off I'll start by saying that a five-year-old little girl shouldn't exactly be left walking around by herself doing nothing but catching stars, being friends with a monkey(who could have disease, for all we know) and going on all these random "adventures". And where exactly does this girl live where apparently everyone knows how to speak both English and Spanish? The animals know how, for God's sake. Well, everyone except the fox. But that's not the point. So what is?

It's that this girl has to be an immigrant or something.

There's no other explanation I can think of, really. She's gotta be an immigrant. A really stupid immigrant, at that. I mean really.

For example: there's a bridge. And, Oh My God, four assorted pieces are missing. Now she's tall enough to just step over them and everything. But what does she do? She turns to the monkey and starts going on and on about how the pieces are missing and how they can't get across the bridge.

This girl has no common sense…anyway, she complains about everything and she's a little too lazy to think.

Another example: She's looking for a tree. The tree is directly behind her. And she doesn't have the patience to turn around. So what does she do? Looks at the children out there about 6 times younger than her and asks them if they see the freaking tree. GOOD GOD.

Not only that, but she has to always say something in Spanish no matter what she does, and somehow it slows down time. And I find it funny she assumes she has to scream in Spanish because she forgets the fact that everything in her world speaks both Spanish and English.

A Third Example: A train is about three feet from a cliff, and she's riding in it. If they don't stop, she'll go flying off and everything. So she starts yelling at the kids "Oh no! If we don't stop soon, the train will fall! We have to stop the train! Help me by shouting "train" in Spanish! On three, everybody! One, two…"

And, Oh God. The biggest thing I want to talk about with this girl. The Star Catching Business. Somehow she catches stars and uses them for slave labor. That's abuse, I tell you. She locks them in a pocket on her backpack(which is apparently removable in some cases) and they can't breathe, then she only takes them out to use them for her own cruel purposes. It's like Spanish Pokemon for four-year-olds.

And guess what? EVEN THE STARS SPEAK SPANISH.

This is ridiculous. Everything is an immigrant if even the stars start speaking Spanish. And I bet the little explorer girl started all of that.

But anyway, with the star catching thing, they practically fly right over to her and just wait for her to grab them. And she calls herself a star catcher. And she lets the stars go after she uses them for her own purposes. So now this is Pokemon Ranger in Spanish?

Also, when does this girl even eat? She doesn't let the stars eat, and the monkey obviously only eats sweets, so does this girl have all her adventures in one day or something like that? Because she'll only eat if someone offers her something. And that's definitely not healthy for a growing five-year-old girl. She's at least gotta be anorexic, then. All the weight went to her head, which is probably why its so big.

I also just remembered something else. In all the time this show has been running(at least as far as I know), the girl has never cried, hurt herself, gotten angry, changed her clothes, gone to the bathroom, taken a shower…does she do ANYTHING besides explore?

And every time she reads a book, something comes out of the book when she finishes reading it and starts causing problems for her. And, because she has nothing better to do, she helps them.

I also want to know where she got the monkey. The zoo? I mean, the monkey just appeared out of nowhere. And does everything she wants it to without her even saying it.

To zip this little rant closed, I'd like to question the "We Did It" dance. She can't rhyme for her life, she absolutely sucks ass at dancing, and she sings about the stupidest things. It's almost as bad as the "Everybody Let's Go" song that she sings when they're walking and they seem to get there 16 times faster when she sings it rather than traveling for days on end. Everything that comes out of her mouth affects time and space.

But hey, she's an explorer. She's Dora. THE explorer.