Does anyone else see something odd about that stupid backpack? Really? Am I the only one here? Just the stupid jingle is a precursor for something. "Everything that you might need I've got inside for you?" So if Dora's in a situation where she's gonna be stabbed and/or roasted alive by killer robots, we have nothing to worry about, backpack is there with a comfort blanket and a box of tissues. WTF?
Okay, this is the last of my rants about the various Messed-Up-Nonsensical adventures of Dora The Explorer, with, you guessed it, the backpack.
Now out of all characters, the backpack is one I definitely have the least to talk about.
But that one sentence is enough to bring up alarming questions.
"Everything that you might need I've got inside for you."
So just think what could possibly be in there. Remember the map? Three thousand pounds of crack in there. Boots's boot cleaner. And even Dora's little star enslavement device.
So sorry if this last rant isn't as hilarious as the rest of them, but yeah, that one sentence is probably my biggest issue with this thing.
And then there's the "OMG SCREW CAPACITY" thing. It's like Mary Poppins all over again. That bag is a bottomless pit. I mean seriously, do you see some of this stuff that fits into this thing? During the little selections, I see an umbrella, a raincoat, about six water bottles, Morgan Freedman, a bomb, sun tan lotion, three sacks of marshmallows and Giygas's toothbrush. HOW DOES THAT WORK?
In my opinion, that backpack is the step…sister…brother…whatever…to Jeff's Backpack from Earthbound. I mean really. Bottle rocket, Bottle rocket, Multi-bottle Rocket, Big Bottle Rocket, Broken Trumpet, Heavy Bazooka, Crusher Beam, Broken Antenna, Shiny Coin, Platinum Band, Holmes Hat…and a cookie. WITH ROOM TO SPARE.
And you would think with all the stuff in there, Dora could just completely annihilate Swiper on the spot, anytime, anywhere.
"HA! You'll never fi-OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OKAY I'M PUTTING IT BACK I'M PUTTING IT BACK JUST PUT THE GUN DOWN"
Also, I guarantee that they sold this backpack in the same place they sell all other RPG backpacks. Especially the ones in Pokemon, dear lord. You know, with about five pockets that hold 10x more than anything in Earthbound.
Okay, so if this backpack can hold basically time and space itself, why does Dora never eat? There's gotta be about fifteen all-you-can-eat buffets lined up in there just waiting. But there's always the occasional episode with someone saying "I'm hungry!" and Dora can't be bothered with opening the thing.
Way to go, backpack.
IN CONCLUSION OF EVERYTHING, LET'S RECAP:
-Dora is…just Dora.
-Boots is a total attention wh-I mean, a total drama queen. (Gotta take the kiddies into consideration…)
-The Map talks to us like mental patients. "BRIDGE, TREE, ROCK!"
-Swiper absolutely blows at being a criminal and should be fired/replaced with Sly Cooper or Duster from MOTHER 3 or some sort of actually decent thief.
-And the backpack was created by Mary Poppins, for Mary Poppins.
So basically…THEY ARE ALL TOOLS.
And for that reason…I love this show. It taught me how to say "jump" in Spanish. Although…I did learn about 17x more Japanese from watching anime with subtitles than I did Spanish from watching Dora.
And for the rest of your lives may you see Dora in different eyes. Who knows, I might do this for Spongebob too, which I happen to watch everyday of my life. So I would know.
For the record, for anyone in the reviews who thinks otherwise of me now:
1. I have nothing personally against this show. I just love doing this sort of thing. That's why I might do Spongebob.
2. I have nothing against latinos. I'm 50% latino myself, thanks.
3. Maybe you guys are right about not having rants on this site. But I do things my way, and unless a mod or something comes along and tells me to GTFO with this thing, I'm gonna keep it on here.
4. And I might do Pokemon or MOTHER 3 or Earthbound. Thing being, I treat all three like my children, so I don't know if I could bring myself to. Zelda is another one I'd have trouble with. It's gotta be something that isn't really all that serious, like Spongebob. I know M3 is serious as HECK, so yeah. You can't pay me to mock Masked Man. I will go to bed in tears with a gun to my head if I ever have to mock him.