A.N. Hello, fellow Twilighters! I'm Chesty's Superbest Friend, and this is my first Twilight fic.

Summary: My brother always said that Twilight would be better if Stephanie Meyer had killed off Edward. Would it? Would it really be better? So I have had it arranged that Edward should die in any way possible.

Since this is – what's the term – a crack fic? Since this is a crack fic, of course everyone will be OOC. This is a parody. Hello.

Enjoy! I realize that as first chapters go, this one is probably the worst. Hopefully you can just snort at this, and then move on. Please? It gets better! I promise!


Death one: Well, Of Course it has to be Garlic

Bella still couldn't rap her head around the fact that the person if front of her was real and not just an illusion. Her first actual 'date' with the infamous Edward Cullen. The pale, cold, very much attractive Edward Cullen.

What was he?

"What are you?" she asked, picking at her pizza with tons of garlic on it.

"I'm the bad guy."

"What?" The bad guy...? Why was she sitting in front of him again? Oh right, his really pretty eyes.

"You know. Not the villain"

She picked up her pizza and started to nibble. "Hmmm. I don't believe you."

He raised an eyebrow. "Don't believe me?"

She shook her head. "No. Villains just don't look like you. I think you look like a hero."

He looked at her as if she were crazy, then shook his head, saying nothing else.

Bella was quite confused. Weren't they just flirting? And he just stopped? Okay... "Yes...well...how come you don't have any food?"

"Not hungry."

"Not hungry? But this pizza is delicious!" She held it out to him. "Try it."

He made a face of disgust. "Um...no thank you."

She narrowed her eyes playfully. "I said eat it." She shoved it farther in his face. His face went more disgusted.

"If I take a bite, will you leave me alone?" She nodded, and he took the pizza. He opened his mouth wide and made a great deal of taking a bite. He chewed slowly, Bella thinking that he was just savoring the flavor. She nodded in encouragement.

Then he stopped chewing, and a vain popped. "Edward? Are you all right?" Bella asked, now alarmed. He was fine a minute ago.

He started to choke, his neck turning red. Really red. Blisters started to form around the area, some even popped. Bella recoiled. "Ew..." Edward's eyes started to widen, and his face started to get the blisters.

"Edward!" Bella shrieked as he fell to the ground. People swarmed around them, the other Cullen's trying to get him to wake.

Bella stared at the commotion around her in a silent shock. She had thought he was a hero. That he could throw people with a flick of a wrist. That he could kill a man with a snap of a finger. That he could protect her against all evil. He was supposed to be her hero! Now he's dead.

Who would've thought that Edward Cullen's greatest downfall would be garlic?