Title: A Nerd Thing
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Characters/Pairing: Reid, Prentiss, Garcia, Morgan - gen
Summary: Sometimes their conversations aren't exactly work related. Because really, what do zombies have to do with profiling?
Author's Note: Zombie apocalypse fic - y/n?
'…we need to work out a tactical approach for the situation,' Reid was saying, as Garcia listened intently. 'If they're surrounding the building, then we'd have to look for a less conventional route.'
Emily raised an eyebrow. It did sound as though they were discussing a case, but then, Reid and Garcia weren't usually the ones to be talking about field tactics for taking down an unsub. They were more prone to discuss the details of what led to the takedown. It was for this reason she found herself listening in with a passing curiosity.
'We could firebomb them,' Garcia pointed out, before giving a frown and adding, 'But then we run the risk of burning down the building.'
That cemented her suspicions – they were definitely not talking about a case.
'But we're talking about the regular zombie,' added Reid, 'Then nothing bar a headshot is guaranteed to take it out.'
Zombies. She could have guessed. She slipped her bag underneath her desk before pulling a chair towards the two conversing geeks. 'That depends,' she said, 'On whether you're talking about Romero zombies, or some of your more modern incarnations.'
Reid's eyes lit up, and Garcia gave a small smirk. 'Then tell me, Miss Zombie Expert, what are your thoughts on the situation?'
'What's the scenario?'
'The zombie infection has started to turn the general populace, and you need to escape the city. Discuss.' Garcia's fingers tapped together in a gesture of evilness. Were there a cat in sight, Emily would not be surprised to see it sitting on the technical analyst's lap, and purring as it was stroked maliciously.
'Well…' started Emily, 'The thought of being trapped in the city is a fundamentally flawed concept. Chances are, if there's a zombie apocalypse, then there are going to be signs. The true zombie aficionado would be keeping an eye out for these signs, and would thus have already left the city by the time the infection had reached that point.'
Garcia gave her a look which quite plainly said "smart-ass." Emily shrugged.
'Fine,' the tech conceded eventually. 'If you're going to be like that. You've escaped the city, killing thousands of zombies on your way. What's the plan for long term survival?'
Reid and Emily shared a glance, and Emily could almost feel his mind kicking into gear. She wouldn't be surprised if he had worked out this kind of thing in his spare time, just for fun.
'Well if we're talking traditional zombies,' Reid said slowly, 'Then a boat would be ideal. But the boat would have to be equipped for long-term survival – hydroponic plants, water purification. Any vessel would have to be set up well in advance.'
'Which makes sense if you're anticipating a post-apocalyptic scenario,' concluded Emily.
'But you'd have to stay close enough to the coastline to do reconnaissance runs if need be,' he continued. 'And then stress would be a major issue. And cabin fever is likely to present itself in such kinds of isolation.'
'Boredom, too,' added Garcia. 'Maybe a cruise ship. We could have disco parties in our zombie-hunting downtime.'
'Can you man a cruise ship?' Emily asked, cracking a smile at the thought of the technical analyst at the helm.
Garcia shrugged it off. 'Can't be any harder than hacking into the Pentagon. We can have Morgan working in the engine room. Just think of those sweat-slicked muscles…And then, of course, we'd have to start thinking about repopulating the human race.'
'And those two topics are in no way linked, right?' Emily inquired, suppressing her laughter.
'Of course not,' Garcia assured her, not even the slightest hint of a blush gracing her face.
'There's also the consideration of all the ethical issues that this might bring up,' Reid continued, his voice getting slightly higher with excitement. 'If one of the group was bitten, do you keep them alive and try and reverse the infection, or kill them for the sake of survival?'
'Yeah, I don't think this was the kind of thing that Jeremy Bentham had in mind, Reid.'
'Maybe not,' he shrugged. 'But the theory does apply.'
'Are you guys seriously talking about what to do if zombies attack?' Morgan stood by his desk, stirring his coffee. 'That's some serious hypothetical going on there.'
'Actually, it's not simply a hypothetical situation,' Reid told him in his matter-of-fact tone. 'It cultivates logical and tactical thinking, preparing oneself for any possible survival or apocalyptic scenario. It doesn't have to be zombies.'
'Could be robots,' piped up Garcia.
Morgan shook his head. 'This must be a nerd thing.'
'We can make it all profilery for you, if you'd like.' Garcia gave him a mock pout.
'Profiling zombies?' he asked, the charming Derek Morgan grin on his face. 'This I've gotta hear.'
'Well the removal of everything but primal instincts could be seen as a regression to the Id,' explained Reid. 'These beings have no desire for anything other than the need to feed. They don't feel fear, or love, or pain.'
'Unless we're talking Land of the Dead,' added Emily, 'In which case that all goes out the window.'
Morgan opened his mouth as if to say something, but then shook his head again. 'Yeah,' he said finally. 'Definitely a nerd thing.'