The Shopping Channel

Disclaimer: All familiar characters belong to Nintendo.

One Shot

Link, the elven swordsman, grinned widely,

"Hello, folks! Welcome to Link's Weapon and Item Emporium; where I'm your link to the past, the waker to your wind, and your ocarina of time! Don't worry, you're not dreaming!"

He smiled,

"Now, let's get started on some of the featured items I have gained on my quest and am willing to sell to YOU, the viewing public."

He picked up a red boomerang, (1)

"This may look like an ordinary boomerang, but I can assure you, it's not. This magical boomerang is guaranteed to go further and retrieve items further away; great for those hard to reach places!"

He threw the boomerang as a demonstration. Five seconds later, the boomerang returned with a bra in its grasp. Zelda screamed,

"MY BRA!"
Link started to sweat and tossed the bomerrang away,

"Don't know how that got there, but anyway, let's take a look at another item up for grabs; the Megaton Hammer!" (2)

He picked up said hammer,

"This'll be really swinging with the ladies!"
Link demonstrated it by walking over to Captain Falcon and slamming it on his head. The F-zero driver said in a delirious state, stars around his head and a silly smile on his face,

"But, officer, sir; I have to go this fast because I'm in the race."

He then fell unconscious. Link grinned,

"See? It works!"

He threw the hammer aside, the sound of glass breaking could be heard. Link pulled out another item,

"Now this bomb is guaranteed to make you a blast, as well as everything else. Observe!"
He lit the fuse and handed it to Kirby. The powder puff sucked in the bomb and grinned. He thought it was delicious. A second later, Kirby explodes, and smoke comes out of Kirby's mouth. The cream puff hero started crying and ran off stage.

Link continued,

"Now, everyone should not be without a fine shield, and I have one right here!"

He pulled out a wooden shield. Link said to Roy,

"Come and get me!"
Roy, the swordsman, blinked,

"Link, are you sure?"

The elven swordsman nodded,

"Of course I am! Just do it!"

Roy charged and unleashed a fire slash, burning the shield. Link screamed,

"You son of a bitch! You ruined my shield!"
He picked up a medallion, (3)

"You wanna see a REAL fire attack?!!"

Link activated the medallion, setting Roy and everything else on fire. Roy screamed,

"HELP! MARTH, PUT IT OUT!! PUT IT OUT!!"

Marth shouted,

"I ain't your momma!"
Link grinned,

"Don't worry, folks! Everything else is fire proof!"

He saw part of his set collapse,

"At least, I think it is."

He grinned,

"Now, let's demonstrate my most useful possession; the bow and arrow set! Buy one bow, and I'll throw in a whole set of silver arrows!"

Link notched an arrow in the bow and fired blindly. Falco's voice could be heard,

"OWW! MY ASS!!"

Link smiled,

"You see! It works!"
Zelda's voice shrieked,

"THAT'S IT!!"
The blonde princess stormed on the set, her hair singed. She shrieked,

"LINK!! STOP THIS INSANITY RIGHT NOW!!"
She picked up the Master Sword and began chasing him with it. Link, still on his sales pitch, shouted,

"See how fast I'm running! Thanks to the Pegasus Shoes, I can outrun almost anything!"
He crashed through the wall of the set and out into the sunset, Zelda hot on her heels. The princess roared,

"GIVE ME BACK MY BRA, YOU PERVERT!"
Mario walked in,

"Is anyone home?"

He noticed the Megaton hammer and grinned,

"I like-a this."

The Italian plumber picked up said hammer and swing it,

"I like-a this a lot."

He left with said hammer.

Out in the horizon, a fast Link was narrowly evading a sword swinging Zelda. Link shouted,

"Down, mad woman!"

Zelda shouted,

"NOT UNTIL YOU DIE! HERO OF DESTINY, MY ASS!"

Link screamed,

"Void where prohibited! Prices do not include processing and handling! Limited time only!"

End of One Shot

(1) The boomerang I am referring to is from Zelda: Link to the Past

(2) The Megaton Hammer is in Zelda: Ocarina of Time

(3) The medallion is one of three. The fire one is Bombos. It is in Zelda: Link to the Past