Title: Uncle and St. Peter's Earl Grey Tea
Summary: Shinji Mimura reunites with his uncle in heaven in an unwelcoming way—almost. AU Shinji/Takako implied
Rating: T (for language as always)
Last two characters, ta and then—
Shinji groaned. He immediately tried to put his phone back on his pocket.
"Give me your phone."
Fuck, Shinji thought. Kitano-sensei looked at him expectantly. Shinji had a bad reputation among the faculty that much he knew; but he took pride on the fact that he could outlast most of them, if not all, scarred only with a little detention at the end of the day.
However, as every rule in the universe allowed an exception, Kitano-sensei was the perfect example of an exception to Shinji-Mimura-fucks-the-faculty-hard-RULE. In truth, he was THE only exception.
He decided to curse the universe because come to think of it, as if that universal law needed much proving.
With papers still on his hand, Kitano-sensei appeared disinterested, his prodding look on the ace player unwavering. Fuck this day, Shinji mused. The rest of Class B started murmuring; they wanted to be done with the exam as fast as they could—Yutaka almost peed on his pants in anxiety—but Shinji NOT giving up his phone only stalled their inevitable fate.
Shinji gripped his phone inside his pocket as Kitano-sensei did not falter on his tenterhooks gaze on him.
A few chairs away, Hiroki Sugimura nudged Takako Chigusa. "Takaaaaa…"
Takako glanced at him and signaled him to shut up with a glare; it would be more than bloody if Kitano-sensei noticed their whispering. She sure did not want a knife stabbed through her pretty forehead.
Hiroki understood at once and was thankful at the very least—his good ol' buddy Shinji Mimura could use some beating and who could do a better job other than Takako? Not to mention she totally had the right…
"Mimura. Do I need to come over there and fetch it inside your pocket for you?"
Class B's murmuring became full-pledged that Shinji was forced to get up from his seat and surrender to silence their demanding. Look at these assholes; as if they are ready to take the test and ace it, he thought displeasingly.
Shinji handed his phone to the bored-yet-looking-smug teacher. Once Kitano-sensei's hands touched the gadget, his bored look changed to what Takako classified as rape-face. She was starting to understand Shinji's ire on the man.
And then, Shinji felt a chill. Takako felt a chill. Class B started on their murmur spree again and fuck, they needed to chill, the Third Man thought.
Kitano-sensei pressed a few buttons and he placed the phone upright on the ledge of the blackboard, chalk dust and all.
Shinji glared at the obviously amused teacher. Kitano-sensei glared back at him. That glare made The Third Man walk back to his seat Prometheus-like, the world on his shoulders as he fumed and struggled to stay frosty.
"Let this be a lesson to you, kiddies, never to cheat."
But I am not cheating; fuck you—however that was never materialized to understandable sound waves.
Kitano-sensei distributed the papers and all at once, pens and pencils were heard across the room, skinning the examination papers in haste. Some of the not-so-genius people stared at the paper in shock, mouths open wide enough to hold a fly banquet. However some, like Takako Chigusa, started answering the test as if she was just answering stupid useless time-consuming quizzes on Facebook.
Who will you marry? The name of the person you will marry starts with the letter S…
Suddenly, a sound of a muffled doorbell was heard from the front of the room, somewhere near the blackboard ledge…
As if Takako could hear Shinji cursing the sheep, pigs and pigeons alike just a meter away from her, she looked at his direction and she noticed that his brows were furrowed—from the anxiety of the confiscation or the bloody test, she was not entirely sure.
Oh well, she did warn him on their study night yesterday to concentrate and stop nuzzling my neck, Shinji, focus, so she shrugged in a non-committal way and decided that she would not be held accountable if he failed this exam.
She was actually being a good (nagging) girl friend too—she cooked him food, spanked him like a child (but that only turned him on), threatened to leave him to study on his own, even promised him celebratory sex if he aced her mock exam.
But because he was busy nuzzling her neck among other things, he missed the mock exam by a point—and she was a no-to-partial-points girl to boot.
She looked back at him again and he was now looking at his phone by the front, his pencil being twirled absent-mindedly in his left hand.
Was the message just then so important for him he could not concentrate? Was that his mom? An emergency perhaps? The network service provider offering endless---
FUCK, capitalized, bolded, underlined, size 72, Hiroki heard Takako say. Yoshi, who was five chairs away from where Takako sat, even heard the curse. He glanced back at Takako and then to Shinji on the row farthest from him and then lastly to Kitano-sensei, who was listening intently.
The playback continued to ring—apparently, this time it was no longer a message but a call. It must be that urgent, urgent enough for this person to sacrifice his or her life.
"—come baby, come to me—"
By this time, Class B had already forgotten the possibility of flunking the most dreaded exam by the most dreaded teacher on the most dreaded subject as most of the dreadees decided to look back and forth at Shinji and Takako—the owner of the phone and the owner of the voice on the phone respectively.
FUCK KITANO FUCK WHY FUCK DID YOU PUT IT ON LOUD MODE FUCK, Shinji cursed in his mind. He stared at his paper to avoid the glances of his classmates and friends and and and, his girlfriend—Uncle, I told you I should have remained jaded for all eternity.
But—pffft—his uncle only snorted back at him in heaven, sipping on his Earl Grey tea with St. Peter. His uncle crossed his legs on the white table until St. Peter reminded him of his table manners.
Takako the girlfriend on the other hand started to make a list on the margins of her paper. The perks of being smart to be able to finish an exam straight from the throes of hell—yes, she could definitely use this to an advantage.
She started filling in her Assassination List and her preferred method of assassination beside the names;
1. Shinji Mimura by vasectomy performed by a butcher in the market or by preferably by me
2. Kitano-the-nutless-kerokeroppi by gradual slitting of the neck using a single thread
3. Stupid caller who has no life by immersion on 1000 degree Celsius temperature freshly boiled Dead Sea
4. Shinji Mimura by induced coup d' etat sponsored by the Chinese, Russian, American, Iranian and Japanese government
5. Shinji Mimura by holocaust times infinity
Wow, she could be creative.
"—I want to see you naked—"
Hiroki, who struggled to ignore the ringtone finally looked at her best friend, face tremendously horrified and scandalized. Takako remained motionless in her seat, head down on her paper. Shinji started to pray, and he only realized then and there that if he lived past this day, he'd be a monk.
"—I want to touch you—"
Mitsuko Souma slowly dropped her pen on her table and propped her head on her elbows, a dreamy look on her angelic face evident. Ooh, lewdness, me likey, she thought, running her tongue over her lips in eagerness.
"—I want to feel you—"
Takako started scribbling ALCOHOL MUST BE BANNED. PHONES MUST BE BANNED. SHINJI MIMURA MUST DIE on her arm rest.
Shinji was starting to imagine God himself.
"—let me devour you honey, let me taste you baby—"
Sho Tsukioka let out a man-voice giggle.
Kazuo Kiriyama closed his eyes and leaned back on his seat. A hint of amusement was seen on his face for a full minute.
Kitano-sensei had to bite back a smirk of his own because while he did not like the guts of one Shinji Mimura, he had an odd fascination for Takako Chigusa—who totally looked like she was contemplating suicide by jumping on the window and back.
"—God, you're so sexy Shinji Mimura, fuuuuuuuuuuuck—"
The classroom was dead silent and people from Class B then and there unanimously decided that this moment mattered more so than answering the bloody exam. They meant, what exam?
"—Message saved to voicemail—"
No single soul on the room then even bothered to pretend they were not interested on what was happening, in the middle of an important examination that seemed like no important as of the moment. All ears were glued at the vibrating, loud, blinking gadget on the blackboard ledge.
The message started its playback.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT AYAKA, both Shinji and Takako said inside their heads.
A little cute voice was heard from the other line.
"Erm, Nee-san left her phone here at home. Mom was worried so she asked me to call you. You two wouldn't be returning home tonight right? Mom was asking why and where are you off to? Oh well, she told me to tell you to better crash here first and pick up Nee-san's phone for your trip—if I may quote, "your trip to Nirvana". I don't know what that means though but you understand right?"
Half of the class looked at Takako, the girl's head still down. Half of the class, including Kitano-sensei, looked at Shinji who made the mistake of glancing up.
He also thought he saw his Uncle, the Earl Grey tea, St. Peter and God himself all prepped up for a tea party, looking at him with a sympathetic look on their faces.
"—Oh, and Mom also said don't forget to use protection."
Takako Chigusa fell from her seat to the ground, head falling ungracefully to the cemented floor in a very loud thud. Hiroki flapped his hands in panic that Kayoko Kotohiki feared he would suddenly fly.
And Shinji Mimura, the cause of this all, snapped back to reality and started to write his last will and testament in haste.
"Ni-chan, why are you also not answering my texts or my calls?"
Shinji groaned. The exam and Kitano-sensei could go on a fancy trip to Nirvana—which meant hell—with him. It would be a bumpy ride.
A/N: Lord, it's 3 am here. I MEAN PLEASE THE MUSES NEEDED TO REALLY GIVE ME SOME SLEEP, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT THAT MUCH. AND THIS IS A CRACK FIC, NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.
That said, I am very apologetic for the GO's—grammar and OOC-ness. Poor Shinji and Taka, but mostly Taka (now you know never to get smashed) but one could never be too happy in this life. Mim is also very very very naughty.
Dedicate to EVERYONE. I would also appreciate reviews. WHY DO I LOVE THIS FANDOM MORE THAN SLEEP I DON'T UNDERSTAND. *cries*