A/N: This took me such a long time to write, but I finally finished it and am submitting it right away. I'm actually really proud of it (even though, once again, I must give credit from my inspiration to Buffy.) I was watching one episode and there were all these quotes that just meshed so I put them all in the same fic. I hope its coherent enough to make sense. I know the title sounds similar to "Trust Me, Lover," another fic I did awhile go, but its actually really different.
Summary: We're dark beings, Blair. I've known this for a long time. I thought that you did too. I've embraced it. And I know you believe me when you're with me. You revel in how only I understand. You're more beautiful in the darkness."
Disclaimer: All rights go to Gossip Girl and the episode "Death Things" of BtVS.
I was just trying to keep up. The things you do. The way you make it hurt in all the wrong places. I've never been with such an animal.
Things weren't supposed to happen this way. That's why they weren't together anymore. They couldn't handle it. It was too much. Their love was too much. At was all consuming and it burned her alive. She couldn't take it. She thought that he couldn't either.
Suddenly, he was just there again. It wasn't just his dark leer or seductive smirk. He was in her. He was beneath her flesh and in her dreams. He was touching her again and she couldn't let it happen. But she did. She let it happen over and over again.
They were supposed to be done. She was supposed to be finding herself a husband now. Preferably someone who was old money that her mother would approve of. Maybe then her mother could actually love her the way a mother should love her daughter.
He always put a stop to that. Eleanor didn't disapprove of him. In fact, she liked how he was with her daughter. He made Blair happy in all of the wrong ways and that was exactly the reason why she hated herself for letting this happen again.
When he approached her, she had no chance of resisting. She was powerless against him. That's why they couldn't be together. They were each other's worst enemy, their worst weakness. He wasn't supposed to love her anymore. After all the things that they had done to each other, love should have been impossible.
The horrible thing was that there was no one else for her. Only when she was alone did she let herself think of how she missed him so much it hurt her heart. It made her physically ill. She didn't mean for it to happen, but it still did.
Then he was there again. And she wasn't sick anymore. She wasn't suffering from withdrawal. She didn't sweat out her poison in detox anymore. Unfortunately, it was even more poisonous to be in his proximity. It was even more dangerous. Her breathing shuddered and he didn't even have to say anything.
She was ready for him. Even if she didn't want to be.
He was used to her rough play. As a matter of fact, he reveled in it. Her passion made him smirk in a way only she could inspire.
"Ow," he growled at the abrasions on his flesh.
"Shut up," she snarled back as he pulled her into his body again. He took her abuse. He took how she bit his lower lip savagely and scratched her nails down the length of his back. He took her gnashing teeth and bruising kisses all because he knew she needed it. And he couldn't deny that there was a masochistic part of him that just loved it.
And he could always return in full. Her back arched as his powerful hands dominated her and he took the sharp stinging that was her retaliation.
Then it was suddenly over. He didn't even realize it, he was so caught up in her. She rolled away from him as he heard his own voice echo through his penthouse as his body gave one final euphoric shudder.
He could still feel where her nails graze him and his flesh tingled. He looked over at her as she stared at the ceiling, as though demanding it to give her its secrets.
"You're perfect," he heard himself murmur into her skin. He felt her fingers close around his throat, forcing him to look into her eyes.
"Don't," she warned.
"Don't?" he asked. "Don't tell you I love you."
"I don't want to hear it," she retorted.
"The way you touch me," he finished, "is perfect."
Scars and all.
Do you even like me?
Do you trust me?
There were times when their eyes met that he was sure he knew the reason why she kept him at arm's length. It was logical yet it didn't make sense. She didn't trust him. It wasn't like he trusted her either. Not when she possessed his heart so physically. She was dangerous. Anyone who held ownership over him like that was a danger to him. Fortunately for him, she was the only one who ever would.
Or maybe unfortunately.
This was the only way they could be together without hurting themselves. But he still watched her while she slept, if only for a few hours before she left. She would always leave him in the end. When he came back, he wished things would be different. But he knew they wouldn't be. They had hurt each other too many times and he knew this.
He just thought she would be the first to crumble before him. But once again, he lay in a heap at her feet while she was forever domineering. He wished he could get his power back but he knew it would be no use. Even if he didn't manage to lose her in the process, power shifts were inevitable. Like them. Like they always were.
She grew uncomfortable under his scrutiny. He was aware of this which was why he continued to do so. It was the only power he could hold over her. She held over his head the very real threat that she could leave at any time. It wasn't fair. She wasn't fair to him. Then again, it wasn't like he didn't deserve it. Precedence showed him as much.
He watched in satisfaction as she bit her lip, turning her head away from his rhythm. He had to muffle his own groan in her hair. His heart swelled as she affectionately took the back of his head in her gentle hand, pressing him closer to her.
But when he pulled away, she didn't look affectionate. She looked stone cold, like the bitch she was. The bitch he loved. She wouldn't listen to his declarations. It was dangerous territory for them but he couldn't help himself. When it came to her, he could never help himself.
Then he caught himself.
For a second, he thought he saw a sliver of a smile.
"Do you like me?"
It was another call back for them.
She didn't stick to their script, though. There were writing their own destiny this time and he was deathly afraid that he didn't know how it would end. She could turn from him at any moment and he would surely burn.
"Maybe," she whispered.
Well that was something.
"Something worse," she clarified.
He could hear the syllable that always tripped them up on the tip of their tongue. She couldn't say it. He knew she couldn't. That would mean danger and right now, she couldn't handle danger the way she could in high school.
She could barely handle his all encompassing love. It was frightening. He knew this. He was sure that he was more frightened than she was.
"You don't even trust me," he murmured. He didn't want to sound so sullen but she made him things that he wasn't proud of. Ever.
"I can't," she told him. "I can't allow myself when I love you so much. Love clouds all judgment."
His eyes snapped to hers questioningly. He was sure he had heard it but she always made him believe things that weren't true. She was looking at him like she hadn't said anything at all.
This time he was sure, even if she wouldn't admit it to even herself.
Even as she walked away, he promised himself. She wouldn't be gone for good.
You try to be with them. But you'll always end up in the dark. With me. What would they think of you if they found out? All the things you've done. If they knew who you really were.
Stop me... No. don't close your eyes. That's not your world. You belong in the shadows. With me.
She tried to stay away from him. She truly had. He was making this difficult. She hated the power he held over her. It wasn't fair. He wasn't fair. Then again, no one ever said that he was.
Staying away from him was easy. It was when she saw him at functions and had to pretend she hadn't that was hard. The way his lips curled sardonically was just the hint she needed that she was done for. He would finish her tonight. She thought she could stay away. She thought she could finish things. But even though she didn't answer his texts or his murmurs into the night, he would always come for her. He would come for her when she was weak and she would let him.
Okay, so going to Victrola at all in this state was just a bad idea. She was aware of this. That didn't mean she deserved the sort of treatment she got. That didn't mean he had to maul her in front of everyone (even if by "in front of everyone" she meant "on the secluded balcony where she planned the whole thing.")
"What are you doing up here all alone?"
She hated that question. Not to mention that only the second time she had sex with him (ever) was on the night he asked that, but it was the implications. She was alone and so was he. They always were connected in a way that the others couldn't even fathom. He knew what it was like to be alone like here. Even worse, he knew what it was like to be alone with her.
"Go away, Chuck," Blair sighed, trying not to draw out his name on her lips. He always loved it when she slurred his name in that lovedrunk way that she did. Lustdrunk was more like. She could never admit... and yet, it was true.
"Where else would I have to go?"
She hated his beautifully crafted words that fit in her ear just as easily as they fit together. Like it was meant to be. She didn't allow these thoughts to come often. They were hard and she couldn't let herself be vulnerable like that again. She couldn't get hurt. But when he was with her, loving her, it made her think that maybe she imagined it all. Maybe he hadn't really hurt her. How could he when he was the shield around her that protected her from the harsh reality of the world around them?
Luckily, she gained sanity after that. But it was nice to know in an ideal world, maybe they could be just right for each other, like she used to think they could be.
"Away from me," she suggested.
She found her knuckles white as she clenched the balcony ledge in front of her. There were people dancing below, people that used to be her friends, maybe could still be her friends, but he was right behind her. He was breathing and whispering sinful things hotly into her ear and the world melted away.
"I have a theory," he said, easing his hands from behind her on top of her tense knuckles. "You don't want me to leave."
"What would make you come to that conclusion?" she retorted. "My complete disdain for you?"
"Even when you were kicking me in the shins, you were all ready to come to me after an apology. The truth is, you're not as fierce as you used to be."
Just as she was turning in anger, she realized his game and he clasped her face between his hands.
"Got you," he whispered.
This time she did kick him in the shins.
He still laughed.
She turned but her hips were caught in between his hands and she found herself pressed against the ledge. Her breath came out in shuddering husks and the way he clung closer, she knew that he could hear them.
"Try and run from me now, princess," he offered. "because I can promise that you don't want to. Why be down with people who don't even know you when you can be with me?"
"Because they're my friends," she said, trying to sound confident. "And you're just not."
"We're not friends," he agreed. "Its hard to say if we ever were. Maybe at a more innocent time, but that all changed once you decided to dance for me."
"You manipulated that situation," Blair snapped.
"Is that what you try and tell yourself when you're alone?" he asked seductively. "When you're thinking of me?"
"Stop with the defense, Waldorf," he interrupted. "You know how it doesn't work on me. Then tell me. Why is it that you're really up here? You like the scenery?"
Blair was never at a loss for words, but she knew when Chuck had got her. Which was all the time.
"Do you really want to be with people that don't see you for you?" he asked. "You know all they see is the golden It Girl. Its always been that way. But when I look at you... I see everything."
"I've stopped believing you a long time ago," she lied, praying it would take.
"You come to my club, go up to my balcony away from your friends, and you try and tell me that you don't like it up here? We're dark beings, Blair. I've known this for a long time. I thought that you did too. I've embraced it. And I know you believe me when you're with me. You revel in how only I understand. You're more beautiful in the darkness."
"Where you can't see me," Blair cut in.
"No," he said softly. "Where the moon illuminates your every feature."
Blair took in a deep breath and he pressed even closer, if that was possible.
"You remember that, don't you?" he taunted. "How it was just the two of us. The balcony in Italy in the dead of night. Not unlike right here. Right now."
"No," she disagreed.
"Yes," he said instead. It was then that his hands made their venture down her skirt and she felt his arousal so tight against her.
"Chuck, please," she said. If there was one thing that Chuck enjoyed, it was when she begged him.
"Please what?" he murmured into her hair. "Just say no and I'll stop. Tell me that you don't want me to take you right here, right now."
Blair whirled around in his arms, glaring furiously.
Before his eyes could even get a hint of rejection in them, she grabbed his jaw and their tongues were thrashing in the seductive dance again.
So maybe she did want him to take her right here, right now.
And maybe he did.
Just let me go.
I can't. I love you.
No you don't.
You think I haven't tried not to?
He hadn't meant to sound so commanding. Or, maybe he did. Or maybe he just got that way when it came to her. It was overcompensation for her control over him. How she had the ability to make his heart thrash wildly against his chest and his blood sing for her. He couldn't regulate his own body but somehow, she just could.
He had to have her. She had to be by his side... forever. That was just how it had to be. Why couldn't she understand that? Why couldn't she see how perfectly right they were? They just fit like interlocking pieces that had been torn apart for so long, they just couldn't even be considered to fit with anyone else.
He didn't want to. Maybe she did, but he didn't. And he knew deep down, she didn't either, no matter what face she put in front of the cameras. She knew deep down, she always belonged to him. Always.
He felt Blair try to pull from his hard grasp but he refused to relent.
"Chuck," she said reprovingly, clutching the sheet of his bed close like it was her skin and ripping it would tear her apart.
Well he didn't want her to take it off. He didn't want her to put her clothing back on. He didn't want her to leave the warmth of his bed just so it could grow cold again. He wanted her pressed against him.
"Don't go," he commanded again.
She tossed him a defiant look and finally wrenched from his tight grasp. She tried not to gasp out in pain. Her wrist looked raw and she knew there would be bruises in the morning. He always left this mark on her so everyone would know. He wanted them to know whose she really was. And more than anything, he wanted her to know.
Chuck watched in anger as she pulled her dress over her head. The reason he had seduced her back into his bed was for this very reason. He didn't want her disappearing into the dead of night. He didn't want her to run fast like she did after he took her at Victrola. But she always left. And he always broke.
"Blair," he snapped.
Now he was angry. He was pulling on his pants with vigor. He was going to make sure she wouldn't leave this time. This time, she would stay.
"Stop it," she said, her voice as harsh as his. He had pulled on the minimal amount of clothing just in time to stop her. His hand slammed on the door she tried to pry open. She was nothing against his strength. She was never really good at resisting him anyway.
He wouldn't let her do this to him. Even begging wouldn't get her anywhere this time.
"You're afraid," he accused. She tried to look anywhere but his dark eyes. She was never good at that anyway. "And you don't have to be."
"Don't I?" she demanded. "I won't fall into this again. I won't be branded by you just to be left in the dust."
"I never want to hurt you," he promised. "I never want you to be unhappy. I'll never leave you again."
"That's not a promise that you can make, Chuck," she said. "We can't do this anymore. You know how this things goes. We can't destroy ourselves in the process anymore. So you have to let go. Just—"
She didn't even finish. He was too strong and she was too weak. And even she didn't believe her little speech about leaving. She just wanted him on her again.
He could tell.
He always knew.
"Don't leave me," he said, breaking away. He wasn't demanding anything of her this time. It was just a statement. It was a statement that she wanted to oblige. "I love you."
That always broke the spell. After those first gates broke and he found the ability within himself to say it, there was nothing holding him back anymore. He could say it all he wanted.
That didn't mean that was what she wanted to hear anymore. In point of fact, she was getting angry. She shoved him away.
"How dare you?" she cried out. "You have to right to say that to me."
"Like hell I don't," he sneered. "I'm the only one who has ever had the right to say that to you. Or don't you remember that little escapade in the back of the limo after the first time I told you?"
Blair clenched her teeth, trying not to let the tears flow down her cheeks.
"I love you," he said again.
"No you don't," she snapped.
"Don't you think I wish I wasn't?" he demanded. "I wish to hell that I wasn't so in love with you. It would make everything so easier. I wish I could just go back to womanizing and drinking. I wished I feel alive with people other than you. But I don't. I just don't. So don't ask me to try because it won't work."
"Maybe you're not trying enough," Blair said tearfully.
"Do you want me to?" he asked angrily. "And don't lie to me."
You always hurt the one you love.
Its how she knew. It was so difficult to be around him when harboring such deep set feelings. She used to think it was the very reason they could never work. He would stare at her with his seductive eyes and she knew that a plot he schemed had just come to truition.
And it ruined her.
She was sure they would never work. They were too similar. That was the exact reason he was sure that they were went to be. Inevitable.
"You can't deny what your body wants."
It was the only thing she could think of what to do.
"You can't deny how your body craves mine. Like mine craves yours."
It was the only thing that made sense. She didn't have any more verbal barbs. She didn't have any witty twists that could knock him down.
"You can't deny how our bodies fit like they were made for each other."
All she had was the blunt force of her hand.
"You can't deny how I'm the best you've ever had."
But she wasn't granted the satisfaction as he grunted in mild pain as she smacked him across the face. She just felt more heartbroken because she knew this was coming to an end. She knew that she would either have to give in or run away for good.
And a Waldorf never gives in.
"Its all sex to you."
It was the only excuse to find.
"That's all it was to you," he reasoned. "That was the only reason you came to me... wasn't it? Wasn't that what you said? That we were nothing more?"
She choked back tears, never giving him the satisfaction.
"I'm a better person when I'm with you."
That was the problem. He was better. And she just wasn't. He brought the worst out in her but it made her feel deliciously like the best. The way he would just look at her made her feel elated, like she was something precious, something to be treasured.
But she knew that she wasn't. She knew she was dirt. She wasn't worth his time or adoration. She couldn't give him what he needed. She couldn't give him what he wanted from her. She pushed away his love only because she knew she would just end up destroying its beauty and perfection in the end. Like she had done so many times before. She hated the disappointment in his eyes when she failed and she couldn't take it anymore.
She would much rather experience his ecstasy, how she held the ability to make his eyes roll to the back of his head. How he groaned her name in her hair and the love marks of his teeth branded the nape of her neck, his favorite part. It was better then her burning them alive.
It was the only way.
He wasn't letting her go. He could never let her go ever again.
But he didn't have a choice.
He had trapped her against the door and she only had the option of stomping on his instep. He groaned, even though refusing to move. He knew that it would be his fatal mistake.
As she watched the pain of her foot and her words etch themselves across his face, she realized her fatal mistake. It wasn't that she had to be wary of falling for him again. It was too late. Would she should have known was that she had never stopped. And that's what was ruining her.
She whirled from his arms, slamming the door in his face. She tried going down the hall, but the tears were too much. It was then she realized that she loved him and that was that.
Because you always hurt the one you love.
He's everything I hate. He's everything I'm supposed to be against. But the only time I feel anything is when... Why can't I stop? Why do I keep letting him in?
Do you love him? Its okay if you do. He's done a lot of good and he does love you.
Serena found her three days later. She knew she should have come sooner. She knew this because her own brother was out looking for the person who was the cause of her best friend's pain. And it wasn't even his fault this time. He tried to give her everything but she wouldn't let him. She couldn't let him.
Blair was curled in on herself at The Empire. Serena should have looked there first but she wasted hours at The Palace. She shouldn't have been so stupid. Blair wouldn't go where she had spent blissful memories living and sleeping with the person who meant to her the most. She would go to the place with sentimental value, but not close enough to hurt her.
Boxes of Godiva chocolates were scattered everywhere while the television blared. Leave it to Blair to resort to a cliché while she was wallowing. But it wasn't over any man. It was over her own stupidity. She shouldn't have been so stupid. But that's what Chuck did to her. He made her foolish.
Serena sighed quietly and sat on the bed to Blair's turned back. Her shoulders were shaking slightly and Serena knew she was awake. She was always awake now. No words were exchanged between the two, but Serena just kept hugging Blair comfortingly.
"Its no use," came her raspy voice after awhile. "He's ruined me."
Serena sat against the headboard as Blair pulled herself into a sitting position. She still refused to look at Serena's face. She just stared down at her own hands.
"You can still make it work, B," Serena said encouragingly.
"You don't get it," Blair said. "That's the whole problem. He would take me back. And after all of the things I've done to him, after the way I've treated him... he just shouldn't. But I can't stop."
"Then maybe it should be this way," Serena said. It wasn't like she was very fond of walking in on her step brother and her best friend all the time, but she knew Blair could only really ever be truly happy when he was in her life. And this wasn't the way.
"Why?" Blair asked and Serena knew it was rhetorical. "I hate him. All the time, all I can do is hate him. He's vile and heinous and crude. But the only time that I can feel alive is when..."
She didn't paint a picture, to Serena's relief.
"I don't know how it got to this."
"You love him, B," Serena said. "And that's okay, because you know how much he loves you."
"I don't know when it got to the point where I really didn't have a choice anymore."
"Would you have chosen differently?" Serena asked.
"I don't know," Blair said. "That's what scares me."
She really didn't even have a choice in the matter. There was a time when fate had decided to royally screw her by making it inevitable for her to be with him. And she realized she didn't care. All of the tears and hurt was all worth the moments when they were together.
So holding his head in her lap while he was completely smashed was a small consolation for everything that had happened between them.
"Is that you?"
His voice was hoarse and Blair was glad she had found him before he did something detrimental.
"Yes, my love," she said softly. His hand traveled up to touch her face and she felt the tension in his shoulders relax.
"How you did you find me?"
"I can never be without you for long," she said. "You're always with me. There wasn't anywhere you could hide from me."
"I don't know where I was," he confessed.
"I do," she told him. "You're with me. For good this time."
"For good," he murmured in her skin.
"Yes," she replied. "For good."