The Best Practical Joke Ever

Hermione felt a tingling like the final retreat of anaesthesia and slowly opened her eyes. As she considered the odd sensation she realised that she was not in her apartment. Further confused, she sat up and realised she was in some kind of inn; a room looking a lot like one of the Leaky Cauldron rooms. About the same time as she realised she was naked, she also realised that there was a man lying next to her. For a brief second, she thought that maybe she and Ron had made up after their split two years ago. The man next to her wasn't Ron and the long blond hair indicated that it couldn't be anyone other than Lucius Malfoy; naked and lying in a bed next to her.

She scrambled out of the bed like it had just turned into hot lava, dragging the white sheet with her in the process. In absolute horror, she stared back at the figure in the bed. Maybe it was just someone else messing with her by wearing a wig, maybe it was Halloween and someone had dressed up as the notorious Death Eater. That still wouldn't explain why they were naked in a bed next to her.

She tiptoed around the bed and was shocked when she could see that it really was him. Some memories came flooding back to confirm that she had indeed been intimate with Lucius Malfoy. Nausea threatened to overcome her and her hand flew to her mouth as she fought not to throw up. Nothing explains this. She must be having a nightmare.

She quickly looked around and found her skirt and bra lying in a dusty corner of the room. There was no sight of any of her other clothes, or her shoes. She slipped on her clothes as fast as her panicked hands would allow and left the room. Her skirt was on inside out and she was running down the corridor in her bra. Well, if this was a dream, what did it matter. She ran down the stairs and out of the Leaky Cauldon into muggle London. It was early but light, so thankfully there was not a lot of people around to see her mad dash.

Hermione ran all the way back to her apartment. She realised she could have just apparated, but her panic didn't allow for such logic. As she got to her door, she realised she didn't have her wand. Where was her wand? Why didn't she check for it? If Death Eaters had stormed into the room, it would have been her first thought. A naked one and she lost all sense of rationality.

She dug around in one of the flower pots for her spare key and let herself inside. After a few seconds of standing in her kitchen, not knowing what to do, she headed for her shower.

The hot shower didn't seem to sooth her. She stood in the shower until the hot water ran out, scrubbing her skin and hair. In the process, more memories returned about their time together. They'd had sex like they were starving and it had gone on for ages. He hadn't forced her, she had been as much a willing participant as he. She just could understand why. She had even gone down on him, which she had not done to anyone before. They had done things she would have slapped Ron for suggesting. She tried to get his smell off her skin and his taste out of her mouth. The analytical part of her brain mused on the concept that he had a smell and a taste, she never considered that he would. She had never really grasped that he was a true human being, just a cold, aristocratic pureblood with ice in his veins.

She shivered violently as she got out of the now cold shower. She dressed in the warmest sweats she had and ached for a hot cup of tea. She froze at the sound of heavy knocking on the door. Panic was starting to overtake her when she heard Ginny yelling at her to open up. Relief flooded her, but she still didn't want to open the door. Instead she wanted to curl up in her bed and never emerge.

Ginny wouldn't go away, so eventually Hermione had to open the door.

"What the hell?!" Ginny yelled with an incredulous look on her face.

Hermione didn't know what to say and just stood there looking equally shocked. She guessed it was too late to hope it had all been a bad dream.

"I don't ..." Hermione started, but couldn't find anything to say. Finally finishing, "I don't know what happened".

"Lucius Malfoy?! What were you thinking?"

"I don't know how it happened!" Hermione said pleadingly. "I remember it, but I don't remember how it happened. How did you know?"

"Everyone knows! I didn't see it, but apparently you two put on quite a show at the Solstice Dinner. It's been all over the papers," Ginny continued while Hermione winced. "Apparently Narcissa Malfoy was not amused. Have you been seeing him?"

"No!" Hermione yelled. "Oh my God, I am so completely mortified."

"Well," Ginny said, dropping her handbag on the kitchen counter, "How was it?"

"Ginny!" Hermione yelled at Ginny's amused expression. Then after a few seconds of not knowing what to say, " Oh Merlin, what am I going to do? I can't believe this has happened."

"Neither can Harry," Ginny said watching Hermione's increasingly horrified expression. "Ron is absolutely livid."

Hermione covered her face with her hands and dropped down into a chair.

"Were you drunk?"


"At the dinner, the solstice dinner? No. I guess that would not explain why you were with him for three days. He certainly didn't force you from what I hear. Maybe he imperioed you," Ginny said, thinking out loud.

"Three days? It was three days? Oh, my god," Hermione said as her nausea returned.

"It must have been a love potion."

"A love potion? Why? Why would he do that?" Hermione stammered. "To publicly humiliate me?"

"No, it doesn't follow. I can't see him making out with a mudblood, sorry, thinking in his terms, publicly as something that would do him any favours. I mean a relationship with a mudblood may not be bad for his reputation, but not so publicly. In the vicinity of his wife, no less."

Hermione panicked at another loud knock on the door. If this was not what Malfoy wanted, maybe he had come to kill her. The thought obviously had not struck Ginny, so she opened the door. It was Kingsley Shacklebolt and one of the wizards from the legal affairs office. The Minister tended to attend personally to anything the ministry needed from one of the Golden Trio.

"Miss Granger. I am not sure how to say this, but it seems that Lucius Malfoy wishes to bring charges against you for using potions on him without his consent."

Hermione's mouth dropped as she heard this. "I didn't," was all she could manage. Ginny handed a cup of something to Hermione and continued the discussion with the Minister and the lawyer. Hermione knew she should be paying attention to the discussion, but she was too pre-occupied trying to keep down whatever it was she was drinking. Memory flashes of Lucius' body were not helping either, along with the knowledge that she had not managed to completely get his taste out of her mouth.