Hi Everyone! This is my very first Fanfic that has ever seen the light of day. In otherwords, my first I've EVER posted.

Bitte, wenn mein Deutsch nicht perfekt ist, bitte schick mir 'ne Nachtricht, weil es 'n bissch'n peinlich ist, wenn ich es nicht richtig hab'!! hehe! Same with English! :D

There are also references here from the German Version of Hogan's Heroes (Ein Käfig Voller Helden), such as Newkirk's stutter and Kalinke (Klink's cleaning lady), see if you can catch them!! ;)

*UPDATE*

I want to thank EVERYONE for their reviews. I have edited this first chapter to reflect them, and hopefully it reads smoother now. I also edited it a bit to fit Oct. 1944 better, since that was completely my mistake forgetting that their operation would have been going for two years already. I chose that time frame for the bulk of the story...so too late to chose another date now...oops. I also added down at the bottom the German translations of the conversations that are important. Each is marked by a * and then a number. I am also uploading chapter two, so let me know if this reads better and I can upload the other chapters!!! THANKS!!! :D

P.S. I own "nothing", but it'd be cool if I did! (Except I do own my own character creations...but that's it...)

Grandpa, What's the Strangest Thing that Happened to You In the War?

Oct 1944

„Ok let's go over it one more time, Olsen." Hogan closed his eyes for a moment, and then opened them concentrating.

"Alright, Sir." Olsen sighed, he was getting tired of giving these lessons, but nodded understanding, if people were going to be going outside the wire, they were going to need to know the language, which meant giving German lessons, as Jansen and himself were the only two people fluent in German. However, after doing it for two years though, Olsen was more than ready for a break.

*1* "Guten Abend, Herr Oberst. Was kann ich für Sie tun?" Olsen played his part.

„'Abend. Haben Sie die Information des neues Panzer?" Hogan tried to sound fluent.

"Die Information? Warum möchten Sie die?" Olsen tried to play his part.

"Sie brauchen nicht zuwissen. Die Papiere davon. Sofort!"

„Es tut mir leid. Aber darf ich Sie-„

„Sofort! Oder willst du nach Sibirien fahren!?"

„Jawohl, Herr Oberst! Moment bitte! Bitte setzen Sie sich mit Fräulein Uschi und trinken Sie ein Glas Bier, ich komme gleich zurück. " Olsen smiled. „You are getting much better, Sir. After two years of working with you, I'm really impressed. Your accent is improving, as is your command of the language. Hogan smiled in return.

"Ich danke Ihnen." He thanked Olsen laughing. „But really...was throwing a Fräulein Uschi and a glass of beer in there really necessary?" Olsen smiled.

„Well, you never know what you're going to come across, right?." He paused for a moment. "Sir, are you sure you don't want me or Jansen to come along? In case things get sticky?" Olsen questioned his commanding officer.

"Olsen…I may indeed invite you. I will let you know tonight. How is the rest of camp progressing?"

"Well, pretty good actually. However, both Jansen and I are having trouble with Corporal. Newkirk sir."

"Trouble?"

"He…stutters…" Olsen said quietly. Hogan took a moment to soak this in.

"Stutters?" He paused for a moment; this made no sense. "He stutters?"

"Yes, Sir. He may not in English, but I can certainly tell you that he stutters in German. Kind of like how Fräulein Helga has a lisp in German, but not English."

"Is there anything we can do about? I'm no speech pathologist but, can't you work with him on it?"

"We're trying, Sir…I wasn't sure if I should mention it, it's just that…after two years we're running out of ideas on how to help him." Olsen replied exhausted. Giving private lessons to Colonel Hogan, and then lessons to the rest of camp was taking its toll on him. Granted during the past two years the whole of camp had greatly improved, to the point of near fluency if not completely fluent, but it was wearing him out. On top of that, he was still continuing his duties as the Outside Man.

"Roll Call, Colonèl!" Lebeau stuck his head down in the tunnel.

"Thanks Lebeau ! Olsen, go grab Kinch, and let's head upstairs." Olsen nodded and ran down to where their radioman was reading. Hogan stood up, thinking about their upcoming mission, and headed towards the makeshift ladder under the bunk. He had barely reached the top, when their new man Carter nearly knocked him back down.

"Oh! Sorry Colonel!"

"It's alright, Carter. Didn't mean to sneak up behind you." Hogan turned to see both Kinch and Olsen making their way up the tunnel entrance.

"Schultz's coming!" Anderson announced, watching the door. Stepping back, he gave the guard some room to make his grand entrance.

"Roll Call! Everyone, raus, raus, raus!" Schultz bellowed.

"Awww, Schultz, but it is cold outside." Lebeau said mocking a complaint.

"Don't you think I know that? I have been standing outside all day. My feet are frozen. But it's time for Roll Call! Everyone out, raus!"

"Ok, come on, people. Let's get this over with." Hogan ushered people out. The barracks grumbled and headed out in the chilly evening.


Schultz marched up and down counting them aloud.

"-dreizehn, vierzehn, fünfzehn!"

*2* "Rappooort!" Colonel Klink yelled, walking over to the line-up of prisoners.

"Alles da, Herr Kommandant!"

"Schön Schultz. Und wenn sie nicht da sind, wo würd'n sie denn?"

„England?" Schultz asked.

„Nein! Weil Niemand von Stalag Luft 13 flieht!"

„Jawohl Herr Kommandant! Niemand!"

„I hate to break up this little party, but my men and I are freezing. May we go back inside? I don't want someone to catch a cold." Hogan interrupted the two men.

"Of course, Hogan. How terrible of me to inconvenience you this way." Klink replied sarcastically. "By all means, go back to your knitting and tunnel digging…"

"Why thank you Kommandant! But we are already done with the tunnelling-"

"Hmpf! Since your Senior POW officer was so kind in pointing out that it is cold out here, I want to remind everyone, that throwing ice chunks at the guards is fooorbidden. And that anyone caught doing so, will be sent to the Cooler. Which need I remind you, is quite cool this time of year." Klink smirked. "Disssmissed!" Klink started to turn back to his office when he suddenly turned around. "Schultz?"

"Ja Herr Kommandant?"

*3* "Schultz…die Männer…!"

"O, ja. Auf jeden Fall Herr Kommandant. Back in the barracks, back, back, back." Schultz ushered the men of Barracks 2 back inside. Lebeau stopped Schultz

"Schultz. The next time we do this, can we do it inside? Or how about not at all."

"Jolly joker. Now inside."

"Alright Schultz, but only because you asked so nicely."

"Well, I think it's a good idea…" Carter added. Hogan approached Schultz after the last men had stepped inside.

"They're right Schultz, after all I know all my men are there, and we must consider their health…" Hogan closed the door on an amused Schultz. Turning around he faced his men.

"Alright we have a dangerous mission in front of us. We are going to need stand in for those of us going out. Kinch, are the papers ready?"

"Yes sir."

"Good. Make an extra copy for Olsen, he's coming with."

"Of course Colonel." Kinch hurried off downstairs, their counterfeiting man Lambourne following close behind.

"Now Riggs. Have you got impersonators for myself, Carter, and Olsen?"

"You'self and Cater I 'oo. But I 'iddn't know sat Sergeant Olsen 'e comin' Suh."

"Change of plans." Hogan shook his head. Every time he heard Private Riggs speak, it felt like he was speaking a different language. One more complicated than French or German. "Now are there any last questions?" He paused looking around at his men. "Alright, if something goes wrong, you know what to do, right?" There was a communal murmur of "yes's" and "of course's". Hogan nodded feeling satisfied. "Alright then men, as soon as Schultz comes back for lights out we will be on our way. Lebeau, did Barret bribe the motor pool sergeant?"

"Oui mon Colonel. Two bars chocolat."

"Good. Then I want to see the impersonators in my office in 5 minutes. Everyone else…try and relax. "Hogan smiled before heading towards his office.

"Try an' relax 'e says. 'E's goin' off on some dangerous mission tha' can get the lot of us in trouble not ta mention get 'imself killed, and 'e says try an' relax. Blimey." Newkirk shook his head amused.


Hogan had just finished briefing the impersonators and sent them back through the tunnel when the door opened interrupting the activity in the barracks.

"Lights out everybody! Auslichten! Gute Nacht! Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite-"

"Aw quiet Schultz. Or I'll send you my bedbugs, postage due." Newkirk rolled his eyes.

"What'd I say?"

"Schultz, we need to work on your people skills. But not now. Can't you see my men are tired? Now out, out, out. They need their beauty sleep." Hogan intervened.

"They don't look tired to me…"

"Well trust me they are. They've been digging tunnels all day."

"Jolly joker. Sleep well everyone. Dream of home and of strudel. And if you do, please send me some in my dream…" A communal moan of "Night Schultz" greeted his ears as he turned to go outside. Hogan quickly closed the door, behind Schultz, and stood in the dark. Looking around he grabbed both Carter and Olsen and headed down into the tunnel.


Fifteen minutes later, Hogan, Carter, and Olsen were dressed like nazi Luftwaffe officers and where heading out the end of the tunnel that led to the motor pool.

"Now I want everyone to be on guard at all times," Hogan started to explain, "London made it a point to remind me that there is heavy fighting near Aachen."

"I thank you again for extending this offer to me, Colonel." Olsen chuckled.

"Anytime, Olsen, anytime." Hogan was the first to climb up the ladder, and there was the car sitting in the motor pool.

"Why didn't you have the guard take it outside the fence, Sir?" Carter asked.

"I didn't wanna push my luck. The motor pool sergeant has been a little nervous lately. He said something about bring the vehicles back in pristine condition. That and he is now charging a higher price for delivery." Hogan answered climbing into the driver's seat. He started up the car, and headed towards the gate. The guard opened the gate without bothering to check ID. So far so good, thought Hogan.

******

The car started driving northwest towards the Rhein. Hogan couldn't relax. He kept thinking about London's order again and again. They wanted them to infiltrate Nazi troops stationed near Aachen, swipe as much information about the plans of attack, and then send it to them. It was incredibly risky. Not to mention that Aachen is near Düsseldorf, which is about 4 hours away, with good traffic. Why couldn't he just drive to Frankfurt AM.? He could get there and back and not miss Roll Call. Sighing, he concentrated on diving on the bombed out roads.

"Can you try and not hit every bump, Colonel. Or I will need a new backend end after this." Carter request sleepily.

"Sorry Carter, just trying to keep you awake." Hogan joked.

"Colonel, I think that is a roadblock up ahead." Olsen snapped to attention.

"I see it Olsen. Let's see just how fluent my German is, shall we?" Hogan slowed and drove up to the roadblock. A young German, about 19 walked up to him.

*4* "Ausweiß Herr Hauptmann."

"Gerne." Hogan replied, handing the necessary paperwork, while holding his breath.

"In Ordnung. Aber vorsicht. Da vorne gibt's viele Schlaglöcher."

„Danke." Hogan rolled the window back up and continued driving.

"What's "Slayglooker?"" Carter asked.

"Schlaglöcher, Carter. Potholes. We need to work on your German." Olsen replied.

"Jansen says my German is fine. But what about 'em? " Carter asked again. Olsen rolled his eyes.

"He said that if you didn't stop asking questions that he'd put you in one."

"Alright fellows, alright. Let's not try to kill each other. We can save that for the nazis." Hogan sighed.

"Yes Colonel", "Yes Sir." Met his ears at the same time.


They continued to drive in silence, as Carter had fallen asleep. Hogan was pleased about this, because it gave him time to think about the mission. He still wasn't pleased about putting his men in danger so close to the front. Not only was the possibly of being caught by the nazis as spies, there was the possibly of being caught by his own side as nazis. Or worse, he though, being killed by dropping bombs, from either side.

They continued driving, stopping only for roadblocks, and other necessities. Hogan relinquished control of the car over to Olsen, as he knew the road system better than Carter, and so he himself could catch a few Zs. It wasn't long before Olsen was waking him up announcing that they were fast approaching their destination.

"Sir? Sir? We are almost to the command centre for this part of the front."

"Good. Now I want you to be really careful. This is only a few miles from the city of Aachen itself. We are now in very dangerous territory."

"Understood, sir." Olsen replied. Carter woke up and starting playing with his homemade bomb.

"This is going to be one of my best explosions ever! It's gonna go: POW! BOOM!-"

"Carter…" Hogan looked back at the young sergeant.

"Sorry sir. I'm just fond of this work. Thanks for letting me tag along. I know I still haven't been out on too many missions yet, well I guess that's not exactly true…what I'm trying to say is-"

"I invited you, remember?"

"Oh boy, sir, you did. My brother would be so jealous right now-"

"Brother? You have a brother?" Olsen asked.

"Oh boy do I! He's my twin, except well, he's a lieutenant. I would be too, but you see there was this thing about "officer material". And something about the army not liking me playing with my chemicals. Well, I mean, I was in-"

"Wait…you have a brother who is a lieutenant?" Hogan said thoughtfully. "I know him! He came through here some time ago…last year, no the year before that. I knew you looked familiar when you arrived!"

"He did?! Was he all right? What did he say?! I haven't seen him in a long, long time. You see we're twins, and well-"

"He's fine, Carter. Should be in England now. We helped him escape. He was number 187 if I remember correctly…"

"There it is, Colonel. Up ahead."

"I see it. Well everyone, it's German from here on out. Oh and Carter?"

"Yes Colonel?"

"Try and not speak."


Olsen drove the car up to the compound ahead. There were countless tents, and a few makeshift wooden buildings. Parking the car a far distant from any of the structures, Olsen, Hogan, and Carter stepped out. Carter clung to his makeshift bomb, which was hidden in his pocket.

"Why can't we just drive into the compound?"

"Do you not notice the distinct lack of useable road? Besides if we scratch the car, Dad will never let us steal it again." Olsen smiled.

"Oh. I also still don't understand why we are wearing Luftwaffe uniforms." Carter whispered.

"That's the beauty of my plan, Carter. You see, the Wehrmacht and the Luftwaffe hate each other. So they are less likely to check of identify for someone from the Luftwaffe, than they would their own service." Hogan explained

"How…?" Carter started to ask, but Olsen took over the explanation.

"It's like marriage. You want to spend as little time on the phone with your in-laws as possible."

"Oh."

"Quiet now!" Hogan ordered. The three of them crouched down in behind some bushes, barely breathing. Their ears were alive searching the woods for any and every sound. Olsen could swear he could hear the spider above his head actually spinning its web. Hogan nodded after what seemed an eternity and the three of them started walking in silence.

Hogan almost laughed at himself. Here he was still dashing behind a bush whenever a twig snapped; when in reality he did want to be "caught" by the enemy, since he needed to be led towards their camp.


After about 15 minutes of walking, Hogan stopped the group. He looked each man in the face for confirmation of their plan, and seeing each of them nod in return, they walked towards the gates. A guard standing next to a simple barrier stopped them. Olsen, who was granted by Hogan the highest rank for the mission, in this case Colonel, due to his knowledge of German, was approached by the guard first.

*5* "Halt! Ihre Ausweiß Herr Oberst."

„Natürlich Unteroffizier." He handed him the identity papers. "Bitte, ich muss mit Major Haff sprechen. Sofort!

"Jawohl Herr Oberst! Sofort! Bitte, komm'n Sie mit. Diefendorf, bleib hier." The corporal led the group towards a poorly and quickly made structure towards the centre of the compound. Nodding and saluting, he quickly scampered back towards his post, glad to get away from visiting VIPs.

Hogan nodded to Carter to start to set up his explosive around the compound, and then walked with Olsen towards the entrance of Major Haff's office. Unlike Klink's office, where there was a beautiful secretary typing away, and the building was made of wood, and build to last at least a year's worth of termites, this structure looked like it was put up in an hour, and would be blown over as easy as the first pig's straw hut. Hogan smiled internally and took it as a sign that the Allies were indeed wining the war.

*6* "Was kann ich für Sie tun?" A balding sergeant asked Olsen.

"Ich muss Major Haff sprechen. Sofort Feldwebel." Olsen replied sharply. The sergeant eyed him curiously, but walked behind a curtain separating the room. After a moment, he nodded towards both Olsen and Hogan, and the game was on.


*1* "Good evening, Colonel. Something I can help you with?"

"Evening. Do you have the information concerning the new tank?"

"Information? Why do you want to see them?"

"That is not your concern. The information. Now!"

"I'm sorry. But you aren't-"

"Now! Or do you want to be sent to Siberia?" A/N a joke from the German version, as German POW caught by the Russians during WWI were sent to Siberia. Anytime a character refers to the Eastern Front, it is referred to as Siberia.

"Right away, Colonel! One moment please! Please make yourself comfortable with Fräulein Ushi and drink a glass of beer, I will be right back."

*2* "Repooort!"

"All present and accounted for, Herr Kommandant!"

"Nice Schultz. And if there weren't there, where would they be?"

"England?"

"No! Because no one escapes from Stalag Luft 13!"

"Of course, Herr Kommandant! No-one!"

*3* „Schultz...the men...!"

„Oh, yes. Of course Herr Kommandant!"

*4* "Identity papers, Captain."

"Gladly."

"In order. But be careful. There are a lot of pot-holes ahead."

*5* "Stop! Your identity papers, Colonel."

"Of course, private. I need to speak with Major Haff. Now!"

"Right away, Colonel! Immediately! Pleas follow me. Diefendorf, stay here."

*6* "May I help you?"

"I need to speak with Major Haff. Immediately Sergeant."