I feel like this is my life. Hiding behind the façade that everyone believes is true because they never gave me a chance. But in truth, no one knows who I am. They don't want to look deeper, that is if they acknowledge me at all. In some ways I don't mind. I am a wall flower by heart. I don't just go up and talk to people I don't know. I just can't do it. I feel like I and disturbing them. But then there is the added fact of what they will say as soon as I turn my back. Why have people start more rumors and say more things about me if it can be avoided? But, I am so lonely most of the time. I see all these people around me with happy lives, having fun, partying, hanging out with friends, having loving boyfriends or husbands. That's what gets me the most. I can deal with the stairs and the rumors, if only I just had one person who really understood me, who took the time. Sure I have friends, we do hang out. But they don't really know me either. They come to me with their problems and I fix them. It's what I do. And I love it, I really do. But, who is going to be there for me and my problems? Who is going to put me together like I put everyone else back together? Because in reality, there is no putting me back together, because I have yet to be assembled for the first time. Sure for a while I thought I had been. Finally found that someone. The one who I thought loved me and would help me. I thought he would put me together right. I soon realized what he did was just tape pieces of my heart together quickly to get to what he wanted. He molded me to the point were I let him treat me like crap because I thought that was how it was supposed to be. I will get back to all that later. It's an important chapter of my life, one that made me realize I have to try and put myself together. I realized that no one is going to do it because no one wants to.
On the outside, my façade, I'm not depressed. I'm not slowly spiraling down into myself. On the outside, I'm the happiest person you know. I smile all the time. I give encouraging words and help everyone I can, even people I just met. And that does make me happy. It keeps me going knowing that I can help others. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal or anything. I just wish for more in my life. I just feel like I should get a break someone in this life of mine. I've been through so much, and everything I think things are getting better, I get beat back down. Again, I will explain more of this later. I am happy and laugh for my family, and for others. Which is what I live for. I live for everyone else, except myself. And most of the time that's ok. But I long to have a happy life with the love of my life, someone who loves me unconditionally, that is there for me like I him. That accepts me for who I am. And helps me with understanding instead of resentment. That doesn't blame me for things that are out of my control. I see the worry in my parents' eyes with each new addition of information that I get in my life, and I hate that. I strive to be happy. I want to be happy. And I can't be if everyone is worried about me. So my smile is in place and I encourage everyone that I am fine with the new developments in my life. I reassure them that I will be fine. Instead of someone reassuring me that I will be fine. Because in reality, I worry everyday what my future will bring me. And it terrifies me. Again, in time I will explain. Be patient. You can't expect me to tell you the book that is my life on one page in one chapter now can you? Bare with me.
And for the record. I'm not telling you this for pity. Because I find myself very lucky compared to most people. I have a loving family. And a home. And money to get the things that I need. And for that I am eternally grateful. So please don't feel ill of me. My emotions are constantly fighting with each other. Half are depressed then part feels guilty for being depressed when compared to others; I have no reason to be. It's difficult to settle on one feeling.
But part of what makes me, me and what makes me able to help others is the fact that I know that everyone has hardships. Even those we envy that seem perfect. You don't know what's battling in their own minds. What is wrong with them? Everyone can put on a smiling face. And you know what? It's easier. It is so much easier to laugh and smile than be mad and cry. It's easier to live than to give up. That's what I remind people. That's what I help people understand. That is how I live my life, my ground rules. To remember, no matter how cruel someone is, you don't know what's going on inside them. In their own world, their own story. Respect is important, very important, something that sadly barely anyone has anymore. But, with respect, I think should come the ability to understand. The ability to sit and talk to someone, even when it is inconveniencing you and be there for them and keep an open mind, putting yourself in their shoes. To help them work threw their problems. To realize that everyone deals with their own issues in a different way. Everyone reacts differently to things than you do. With me, I push forward. When I got diagnosed four years ago, I said ok, did what I had to do, and moved one. Why dwell on the things you can't change? It's wasted energy to me. But others might have been crushed, confused, and beaten down about it. Some might of cried and cursed God for doing this to them in a moment of frustration. I smiled, thankful to finally have the answers we had spent years looking for. And I thanked God for it not being something worse. I thanked him for sending me on the path that brought me to that Doctor who figured it all out, it may not have been a fun path, but it changed everything in my life. I looked to my mom who was with me, and comforted her. Let her know that I was ok. And to this day I still continue to do that for my entire family. I don't want them depressed because of me, or upset because of what happened. Because it happened, don't dwell, fight, and move to make the situation better.
As you can see, I have two sides. I am both of these people at once. But I only let myself think about the depressed side when I am alone. For that I hate being alone. And I am terrified that I am going to be alone. But I am also optimistic. I am your typical oxymoron. Welcome to the inner workings of my mind.
With this I am going to lead you up to the events that have lead me to the point in my life that I am currently at. And with this, I hope to help you with your outlook on life, your understanding that, even though you feel alone. In reality you are not. Easier said than done I know. Because I have a big family that I am very close to, but I still feel alone. I have friends and acquaintances but I still feel alone. But what you aren't alone in, is feeling alone. Crazy confusing huh? But you are also not alone in what ever misfortune that has you depressed. There are people out there that will understand. The only problem now is, finding them. And not settling for someone who really doesn't care. And accepting the help and wisdom that these people give you. Because we by nature tend to think that no one understands. But that isn't true. Embrace life. It's the only one you have.