Sorry about the delay. Here we go.
Thanks to the usual people!
I do not own.
Friday – Observation Room
I'm not even sure how I found my way to the viewing room. I was vaguely aware of the fact that his family had saved me a seat. It felt odd but I didn't want to be alone so I was grateful. Even though they were virtual strangers they were a link to Edward and that was something that I needed at the moment. I felt Esme grab for my hand and didn't flinch as her fingers dug into mine. I didn't have to look around to know that the room was filling up with spectators to this gruesome event. I had never attended one before and knew that I would never willingly be present to anything like this again.
We were seated on benches a few feet back from the chamber. The chamber windows were covered by flimsy white curtains and I couldn't tell if anyone was inside yet. My eyes took in all the details of the room around me but all I could focus on was what was behind those curtains, was he inside yet, was he okay, was he ready for this?
Without warning the curtains were pulled open and my stomach dropped at the scene in front of me. Edward was already strapped down to the padded table in the center of the room, the IV's that would administer the drugs that would kill him already attached to his arms. The hand around mine clenched tighter and I'm sure that mine did the same. He kept his head to the side and I could see his eyes scanning behind the glass enclosure until he found us, they swept over his family until they found mine. His green eyes bored into me, gazing into my soul. I lifted my free hand up, trying to let him know to keep focused on me, nothing else mattered, he could make it through this if he focused only on me.
His eyes never left mine as the people worked around him. He seemed oblivious to the events that were unfolding in his vicinity. I continued to focus only on him, trying to pretend that no one else existed in this moment. A tear fell as they double checked the cuffs around his arms that held him to the table. I was vaguely aware of Esme's hand pulling away from mine as she covered her face, her sobs beyond control.
His eyes stayed locked on mine as all the activity continued around him. He looked like he was talking to himself but I couldn't quite make out what he was saying. Finally the activity in the room ceased and a hush settled over the room. I clenched my hands together, needing to keep them occupied so that I didn't try to break through the window that separated us and get him out of here. If I could have managed nothing would have stopped me.
One of the men asked Edward if he had any last words he wanted to say and he shook his head no. Someone went to double check the IV in preparation but Edward suddenly shook his head.
"Wait." His voice wasn't loud but it sounded like a clap of thunder in the quiet room. "I would like to say something."
Everyone waited for him. He swallowed, his adam's apple moving clearly under his neck as he struggled with the words he wanted to say.
"I need to say goodbye one last time to my family." Everyone turned to look at them and I felt for them. They weren't allowed to wallow in their grief alone. Instead they had to be scrutinized as if they were on display. I wished that there was some way in which I would have been able to shield them from this.
Edward continued to speak as his eyes moved from mine to take in every member of his family.
"They didn't deserve this, they didn't ask for this so please let them grieve in private after this ordeal is over. I love you all, please don't ever forget that and I'm sorry that I put you through this." I waited, wondering if he would say something to me. He closed his eyes for a long moment and then said, "I'm ready."
His eyes found mine again and he said one word over and over again. Sorry.
I wished that I could hug him, reassure him that he had nothing to apologize for, that he didn't need his last thoughts to be about regret. I wanted him to leave this world happy. So while shaking my head to try to convey that he didn't need to be sorry I put what I hoped passed as a smile on my face.
Over and over again I repeated it hoping he would get the idea that I was thankful for the few days we had together.
He closed his eyes and moved his head, nodding it and I hoped that it meant that he understood what I was trying to tell him.
The movement was frantic behind him as everyone did their parts. It was a well choreographed routine but I only had eyes for him. He didn't look at them as they moved about him, his eyes never left mine as they waited for the clock to strike 1:15, forced to wait for a phone call that would never come.
At exactly 1:15 the signal was given and somewhere in a hidden room the first plunger was depressed. His eyes became heavier and his blinks lasted a bit longer.
I leaned forward in my seat aching to comfort him, trying to let him know that I was there for him. He was no longer repeating sorry over and over again but instead it looked like Bella…Bella…Bella. It moved quickly from there, no signal was given to signify when each new drug entered his system but his lips had stopped moving and a single tear fell from his eyes before they closed for the last time. I didn't blink as I waited, hoping that they might open again, that this was a mistake and he was only sleeping.
A doctor entered the room and listened to his heart, the EKG machine that he had been connected to gave a lone solitary beep as the green line no longer moved but remained flat. I could hear nothing and see nothing but him, everything else faded to the background around me. The doctor nodded his head and someone announced the time of death. Still I couldn't move as my eyes looked at him lying there on the table. He looked so peaceful. Someone moved the curtains back, blocking my view of him and still I didn't move from my seat, the memory of him lying there burned into my mind.
"It's time to go." It could have been a man or a woman who guided me out of the room. I saw Edward's family huddled together, comforting each other and I continued to walk. I could hear them calling my name but I focused on getting one foot in front of the other and kept moving. When I finally found my way out I was met by the cool night air. I took in a deep breath, trying to work through the tightness in my chest. I ignored the cameras and the questions that were thrown at me as I rushed to my car.
How I managed to get home was beyond me. It seemed like one second I was in my car and then I was in my bed, not bothering to take off my clothes just hugging my pillow to me for comfort. I cried all night, for the lives that were lost, for the pain that was caused, for the man I would never get to know. All I could think of was the ways his eyes looked at me as he whispered my name over and over again. As the sun came up I closed my eyes, there were no more tears left, no more hope left. I was here alone and I always would be.
I know some of you still had some hope but it would not have been the story I wanted to tell.
Thank you for reading and thank you for the wonderful response to this story.
There will be an epi, it will probably be done in about two weeks or so, that is the only part of the story that I have not written yet.
Thank you again.