TO: The Crew of the USS Enterprise
FROM: Captain Kirk
RE: Crew Fraternization

I know that we all enjoyed the Summer Solstice party that Lt. Sulu and Ensign Chekov arranged for us. Thank you both, again, for a festive way to mark the beginning of the Earth season of Summer.

Not so festively, Starfleet's attention has turned (unnecessarily in my opinion) to reminding us about the rules which govern crew fraternization, found in the Official Code of Conduct, section 69, subsections A(1.4) to ZZ(250.4). They have requested again that I stress the following points, although I find some of their regulations draconian and… well – it's officially their starship, after all. And we are subject to their code of conduct, even as awesome as we are:

Section 69: Subsection B(3a6): Any crewmember accused of pursuing an attempted relationship with another crewmember who expressly declines such advances can be arrested, court-martialed, and dishonorably discharged.

Interpretation: If you ask and the other party says no, that's game, set, and match. If you keep asking, you are going to be in very deep trouble. With Starfleet, with me, with your supervisor and the supervisor of the object of your desires. I'm not going to try to bail you out, intervene, or in anyway smooth things over between you and the ones you have offended. I mean it this time. So if the object of your desire says no, no is the answer.

Section 69: Subsection K(9b): Crew fraternization is allowed across rank providing the two parties of disparate ranking secure, individually and independently of the other, the authorization of their Commanding Officer, which while serving on a Starfleet Starship is generally limited to the Captain of said Starship unless he is one of parties undertaking such fraternization in which case the authorization of the ranking Admiral is required.

Interpretation: You want to have a fling with someone of a lesser rank than you, you have to tell me first. So does the other person. You both have to come to me. No, I don't want to be all into your business. But I don't have any choice. And seriously, do you think I'm going to say no? And for the overly nosey of you – yes, Spock and I both talked to Admiral Pike AND Admiral Archer before we officially began fraternizing. We have the official, signed, notarized copy of their authorization in our quarters. Framed.

Section 69: Subsection P(72d): Crew fraternization is allowed across species providing the moral, religious, ethical and/or legal code of the homeworlds of both parties allows such fraternization. In circumstances of uncertainty, both parties are mandated to receive permission from their leader, governmental authority, religious and/or spiritual guide before engaging in active fraternization.

Interpretation: You aren't limited to your own species when it comes to dating. But, please, for the love of all that is holy, on every planet – known or not yet discovered – do not – I repeat – do NOT engage in any activity which could result in either of you being arrested, incarcerated, vilified, exiled, and/or painted red as a warning to the rest of that species. Personal experience? No. Intervention when it happened to a member of our crew? Yes. Those details are strictly confidential. Let's just say that enforced celibacy is no fun for anyone. Don't find out first hand.

Section 69: Subsection Y(1a): Every member of Starfleet has available appropriate measures to ensure that no accidental conception occurs while on active duty. Should conception (accidental or intentional) occur, the crewmember who has conceived will be reassigned to the home planet of that crewmember, that crewmember's spouse, or a planet of that crewmember's choosing. In the case of crewmembers who are married/spiritually united/blessed by their makers to be forever together, both of the members of the marriage/union will be reassigned to the appropriate planet. This regulation is not intended to discourage procreation. Rather, it is to ensure the safety and welfare of the progeny of the crew.

Interpretation: Dr. McCoy can make absolutely sure that your roll in the hay doesn't lead to either of you being in the "family way." If you get yourself knocked up, accidentally or on purpose, you can't stay on board. Not that we want to transfer you dirtside but we are in the business of exploration and discovery. We don't have all the necessary facilities for raising families. Maybe some day starships will be equipped for families. But we aren't. So just be careful. Go see Dr. McCoy before you fraternize then you won't have to worry.

Section 69: Subsection MM(432b): The Prime Directive states emphatically and unequivocally that Starfleet will in no way interfere with the natural development of any civilization: No identification of self or mission. No interference with the social development of said planet. This includes fraternization with any residents of said civilizations. Starfleet personnel are strictly forbidden from engaging in sexual liaisons with residents of pre-warp planets.

Interpretation: The next time we're observing a planet that does not have warp capability, there are certain members of the crew who cannot be a part of the away/observation team. You know who you are. I won't call you out here. But so help me, if you so much as look at someone on a pre-warp planet, I'll put you in the brig so fast your head will swim. Do you have any idea how many times the admirals yelled at me because you were so stupid as to be caught on Wor-Tiator with your pants around your ankles? I don't care that she said it was tradition. I don't care that she said she would be revered as a goddess. I don't care that she said there was no way you could get her pregnant. Do not ever do it again. Ever. Same goes for the rest of the crew. You'll be in trouble. I'll be in even more trouble. Best we all avoid that particular paradigm and not make our first contact be of the intimate kind.

One last personal note: As I have stated on previous occasions, Lt. Uhura is a valued member of our Command Crew. She is acknowledged as the best Xenoliguist in Starfleet. This does NOT mean that she will play matchmaker for you and the Being you met at the bar on Rayunia. She will not interpret for you what the Being said. She will not translate the message the Being left on your comm. She will not respond to any electronic/voice/encrypted communiqué. Don't ask her. If you do, she'll tell me and I'll deal with you. You really want to come to me after she's discussed her irritation with me? No, I thought not.

I trust we are all clear on what is and is not appropriate behavior for the finest crew in Starfleet. And these are only the highlights, as it were. The ones Starfleet thinks we are particularly bad about ignoring. Why they got this idea in their collective heads, I have no idea. But there you are.

(As an aside - although we are expected to adhere to them, my first rule is if all parties are willing, then have at it. Just please make sure you can't get caught. But you didn't hear it from me.)

TO: Captain Kirk
FROM: Ensign Pavel A. Chekov
RE: Your Memo about Crew Fraternization


It is okay, yes, that Hikaru and I continue to fraternize? I have no written permission from you but when I told you, you say Da. Is that enough? Do I need to have it in writing?

You will let me know?

TO: Pavel
FROM: Captain Kirk
RE: Carry on – no worries


Not to worry. You have my permission and my blessings to continue fraternizing with Hikaru. You don't need it in writing. I knew from the beginning that the two of you were meant to be together. I even told Spock. Not that I gossip about our crew. But the two of you make such a cute couple. How could I not mention it to my t'hy'la?

Anyway, carry on. You are in the clear.

TO: Captain Kirk
FROM: Lt. Hikaru Sulu
RE: Cute, sir? Really?


Thank you for assuring Pavel that we won't be in any trouble over our relationship. But, seriously dude, did you have to call us "cute"? You know how much I hate that word. With all due respect, sir, if you wouldn't mind not using that word when describing me or him, I'd really appreciate it. And then there won't be any need for a demonstration of my retractable saber, if you catch my drift.

TO: Lt. Hikaru Sulu
FROM: Commander Spock
RE: Your recent memo to Captain Kirk


While I understand your pique at being referred to with the particularly Human term of cute, I trust you fully understand the seriousness of intimating that repeated use of that term by the Captain will result in personal harm coming to him by virtue of a demonstration of the lethal weapon in your possession. I also trust that this memo will be sufficient to ensure that no harm comes or is further implied as coming to the Captain. I have no desire to make this matter public nor to forward same to Starfleet.

I believe, as Dr. McCoy is overly fond of repeating, that a word to wise is all that is required in this circumstance. (As an aside, is it appropriate for you to refer to your commanding officer as dude? I am certain that it is not standard Starfleet protocol.)

TO: Lt. Hikaru Sulu
EC: Commander Spock
FROM: Chief of Security Sam Giotto
RE: Potentially lethal weapons about Starship Enterprise

Lt. Sulu,

I have become privy to the exchange which you are having between yourself, Captain Kirk, and Commander Spock. (One of my responsibilities is to monitor all intra-ship communications for anomalies, security breeches, and/or threats to members of this crew.) While I am fully cognizant of the respect and admiration that you hold for the Captain, even implying in jest that you would provide him with a demonstration of your retractable saber could be misinterpreted by others, who lack a familiarity of your relationship, as a potential threat. I know that you would never harm the Captain or any other crewmember of this ship.

Even though you have strenuously expressed (on several occasions) your objections to the term cute when applied to you and/or Ensign Chekov, threatening the Commanding Officer of a Starship is considered a court-martial offense. As Captain Kirk risked his life by jumping off the drilling platform to secure your rescue after your parachute was destroyed, I know that he would be loathe to see charges pressed against you for a seemingly innocent remark you made in defense of your manhood.

I feel confident that you will take Commander Spock's advice and not repeat your implied threat of harm to the Captain. (And for the record, I have no comment on your use of the term dude when addressing the Captain. I have heard, on repeated occasions, the Captain himself utilizing this form of address for various members of his crew. Although, notably, never to Commander Spock.)

TO: Chief of Security Sam Giotto
EC: Commander Spock
FROM: Lt. Hikaru Sulu
RE: OMG I'm so sorry. I was totally kidding

Please believe me when I tell you I was joking around with the Captain when I said that about a demonstration of my retractable saber. You know I would never do anything to harm him or anyone else aboard this ship. It was, I swear, only a joke. One that I shouldn't have made. And totally inappropriate. I'm sorry I said it and will never ever kid around about potentially threatening the Captain.

(Commander Spock – Captain Kirk has never objected to being called dude. But if you think it's inappropriate, I won't do it again. I thought our messages were private. My fault. Again, if you think I should stop I will.)

TO: Chief of Security Sam Giotto
EC: Commander Spock
FROM: CMO Leonard McCoy
RE: What The Hell?

What have y'all done to Lt. Sulu? He was down here babbling about court-martials and dishonorable discharges and Pavel being a button. I couldn't make any sense out what he was saying. But I did manage to figure out that he apparently said something about running through that man-child that's in charge of this goddam starship. Not that I advocate violence as a way to solve anybody's problems but I'm sure if Hikaru was threatening the Captain with bodily harm, there was a good reason for it. Hikaru is not easily moved to threats or violence.

I finally calmed him down and Pavel came and collected him. I'm not sure what the ruckus was about. But Sam, I can tell you one thing. Sulu is now terrified of you. I don't know if that was your intentions but Sulu made me promise that if I saw you comin' I'd tell you he'd already left. Did you threaten him with bodily harm? Did you say you were going to make him run more of your scenarios?

And why was he goin' on and on about whether or not dude was appropriate? Since when has anybody on this goddam ship gotten their panties in a wad over what may or may not be appropriate? We have a ship full of teenagers. Run by the head adolescent. NOW we're going to worry about whether or not dude is appropriate? Too late. That horse done left the gate.

I'm a doctor, dammit. I got no time for all this drama.

TO: Lt. Hikaru Sulu
TO: Chief of Security Sam Giotto
TO: Commander Spock
TO: CMO Leonard McCoy
EC: Ensign Pavel Chekov
FROM: Captain James T. Kirk
RE: Everybody just calm the fuck down!

Hikaru – I knew you were kidding. I wasn't in the least upset when you said you would give me a demonstration of your retractable saber. We're cool. And, dude, I promise to try to remember to not call you or Pavel cute in the future.

Sam – I appreciate the exemplary way in which you ensure the safety of this ship and her personnel. I understand that it's your responsibility to investigate and prevent any possible threats to me or any of our crew. But you can be certain that Hikaru and I are buds. He would never do anything to endanger our ship or her Captain. Barring pods, spores, alien viruses, and/or body snatchers, naturally.

Bones – I'm sorry all this upset Hikaru. Thanks for dealing with his mild case of hysteria. It was all a misunderstanding. For which I am not to blame this time. I swear it. (And stop calling me a teenager. Seriously. Because this man-child can have YOU court-maritialed for actions unbecoming an officer. So, chill, dude!)

Pavel – Thanks for alerting me to this clusterfuck. It had gotten way out of hand. And don't worry about Hikaru. He'll be my number one pilot for as long as he wants the job. Just like you'll be my number one navigator. No worries on that.

Spock – You. Me. Our quarters. 15 minutes. We'll discuss the term dude and all of the ways in which it can be used just as soon as we are off duty.