A/N: So, I've been reading a lot of Star Trek fanfics lately, and I'm absolutely in love with the 5-and-1 format. After reading so many of them I decided "Hey, let's try that out for myself!" What you have below is my second attempt at, my other one-shot Lost and Found being the first. I'm not completely familiar with Trek terminology or with all the nuances of the series, but I did my best with this. Please excuse any mistakes I made in grammar, spelling, characterization, or what not. I present to you the five bar fights where Jim Kirk got his ass kicked, and the one where he didn't! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: So totally completely not mine.

Black Eyes and Bruises

I. Jim Kirk versus the Biker Gang

Take a bored genius in the Midwestern United States. Throw in a certain talent of seducing women and an even bigger talent of attracting trouble. Add in an inability to keep his mouth shut and a foolhardy approach to life that almost always ends with him getting the living shit kicked out of him. Mix it all together and the only possible product is one James Tiberius Kirk.

Now takes this astounding creature, with his incredible ability to get the shit kicked out of him, and place him in the middle of the roughest biker bar in the Midwest. You can see the problem that presents. There's no way that Jim Kirk is able to walk out of that bar without at the very least a bloody nose.

As a matter of fact, he doesn't walk out at all. He's thrown out, bodily, and left in the dirt, bleeding until a person passing by finally calls an ambulance. That's after he's laid in the dirt, unconscious and bloody for three hours, so he isn't in good shape. This is the first time that Jim almost dies because of a fight at the hands of someone other than his step-father (because Frank kicked the living shit out of him a hundred times, and there were moments then where he almost didn't make it. It's a testament to his will to live that he's still alive at all).

Later on, in the hospital, the doctors will surround him, running tricorders and scanners over his body, wincing at the amount of damage they find there—three broken ribs, a concussion, a sprained ankle, broken bones in his hand, a broken nose, numerous bruises and cuts, a gash on his head from a broken beer bottle, and a nasty gash on his back that comes complete with a piece of glass stuck in—they ask him what happened.

And then he gives a grin through split and bleeding lips, the kind of grin that only James T. Kirk can manage to give when he's half-dead.

"Apparently," he says, his voice rough but still cocky, his grin that of a man who realizes that he could have died but knows that he didn't, "the fair lady who let me buy her a drink wasn't so available as I thought. Matter of fact, she's rather acquainted with the leader of the bike gang." He shrugs. "And said leader wasn't too happy that his girl was all over me. That and I beat him at pool."

The doctors shake their heads and exchange glances, and wonder to themselves if this crazy man has a death wish or if he just doesn't give a damn about life.


II. Jim Kirk versus Starfleet (aka. The Appearance of Cupcake)

The fight starts the way most of his fights do—a little harmless flirtation, a big tough guy who feels the annoying need to step in, a little banter back in forth that ends with a fist flying at Jim's face…it's all clockwork to him now. He doesn't think, doesn't hesitate, he just fights.

And gets his ass kicked. Although he does get a nice little grope as he's being tossed around. And then gets slapped so hard he thinks Uhura's palm print will be eternally etched into his face. The only thing different about this fight compared to others is the fact that it's against members of Starfleet, and that at the end of this one he ends up bent backwards over a table, blood rushing to his head, as Christopher Pike delivers his ear-splitting whistle.

This is the fight that leaves him as bruised and bloodied as all the rest, but it's also the one that irrevocably changes the course of his future.

In later years he'll think back fondly and silently thank Cupcake for deciding that his face needed to look like ground hamburger.


III. Jim Kirk and the Attempted Rescue of a Fair Lady (Who Wasn't a Lady at All)

He and Bones are their favorite bar—okay,it's really his favorite bar and Bones just gets dragged along for the ride—just off campus, tossing back a few. He drags them out for a celebration, but now that his buzz is setting in nicely he can't quite remember what it is that they're celebrating. In all likelihood it's something that he came up with off the top of his head, just to have an excuse to drink (not that he needs one).

Jim's gaze roves around the bar, searching for the next victim of his womanizing conquest. There's a loud shout that draws his attention and he sees two people arguing. One faces towards him, the other's back is facing his direction, hiding her face. He decides that it's a 'her' after examining her in detail and then following his instinct. But the one facing towards him and arguing with her is male. He's sure of that.

He downs his drink and stands, giving Bones a sardonic salute. "I have a damsel in distress to rescue, my good sir," he says, full of drunken gallantness.

In his defense, Bones really does try to stop him. He sees where Jim's gaze is fixed and his eyes widens; he reaches out a hand but Jim is already half-way across the crowded bar. "That's not a…," he says, but his friend is out of earshot. He sighs, rolling his eyes, and picks up his glass, pressing the cool crystal to his forehead. He watches and waits, and it's not more than a minute before Jim is bodily thrown across the bar, landing in a crumpled heap besides his friend. Jim twitches and moans and stirs, looking at Bones, who shakes his head.

"Not a girl, Jim," he says, trying to keep his smirk off his face.

"I noticed," Jim shoots back, and pushes himself to his feet. The offended alien is making his way through the crowd, and he's got plenty of back-up.

"I'd say this calls for a tactical retreat."

"I don't believe in no-win scenarios," Jim shouts, just before a fist goes flying at his face and he's lost in the fray.

Bones rolls his eyes. "That kind of thinking will get you killed, kid."

When the wrongly identified alien finally decides that the poor human has had enough Bones gathers up what's left of his friend and carries him to their apartment, where he proceeds to do his best to fix the damages. Jim looks at him in a half-dazed, concussed state, and Bones just shakes his head.

"Jim?" Blue eyes try to focus on him. "How the hell do you mistake a Cardassian male for a female?"

Jim frowns. "Looked like a girl from the back," he slurs a protest. He tries to stagger to his feet.

"What do you think you're doing?" Bones practically shrieks, and Jim looks at him as though he's lost his head.

"I hit on a dude, Bones. Gotta go pick up chicks so no one gets the wrong idea."

Bones' eyes roll upwards and he prays for patience. Then he pushes his friend back down.

"Not so fast, Romeo. You're not going anywhere, not tonight." He smirks. "But don't worry; the Cardassian's will still be there for you tomorrow."

Jim gives one groan that is both protest and pain before he passes out.


IV. Jim Kirk versus Cupcake (Round Two)

San Francisco is big, and the Academy is large, but there are only so many good bars within walking distance of the campus, and it is therefore statistically unlikely that James Kirk can avoid meeting his old nemesis Cupcake at one point or another. He manages to avoid the meeting for two full years—although they pass each other on campus and glare and Cupcake makes threatening motions and Jim just smirks and blows kisses, they have yet to meet off campus.

Toss in Cupcake's utter desire to destroy Jim Kirk and generous amounts of alcohol and you have the makings of one of the most famous Jim Kirk bar fights. It's infamous among the cadets at the Academy—legend, even—and the mere mention of it will make the bar owner begin to scowl and mutter murderous things.

Jim and Bones and a few of their other friends are gathered at the bar, laughing and drinking and talking. Jim has his arm around Gaila, who has somehow transitioned from more than just the girl-of-the-night to the girl-of-a-few-weeks. They aren't exclusive, per say, but Jim certainly hasn't been getting around as much, because Gaila's appetites have kept him busy.

Cupcake and his cronies ruin it all when he saunters up, arms folded, casting a shadow over their table. "Kirk," he growls out. Jim looks out and a grin breaks over his face; it's an expression of almost childish delight, but there's that flicker of mischief and mayhem behind it.

"Cupcake!" He shouts, and everyone turns to look, snickering. Cupcake's face goes red, and with no further provocation needed he launches an attack. It's a sucker punch—again, just like the first time—and it takes Jim by surprise. But Jim surges to his feet and the battle is on. It's different this time. This time it's more of a one-on-one; their friends remain on the sidelines, watching. But the fight is furious and fast and bloody. Jim's nose squirts blood and his lip bleeds sluggishly; Cupcake's eye is already swelling up, purple around the edges.

Jim strikes a decisive blow that sends Cupcake sprawling back into the bar, shattering countless glasses and bottles and breaking a mirror. There are screams and shoves and that's when the fight deteriorates into chaos. It's a full out brawl now, and Cupcake and his friends are in the middle of it, hell-bent on damn near killing Jim Kirk.

Bones finally pulls his friend out of the fray and they stagger out the door.

"Dammit Jim! What the hell did you do to that man?" Bones shouts.

Jim shrugs, wincing as he tries to grin. "I guess he really just doesn't like pastries."

The next week Jim leaves a cupcake on Cupcake's desk and waves cheekily when the man looks up across the lecture hall, murder in his eyes.

And of course, this comes back to bite Jim in the ass when he's facing Cupcake on the Enterprise, and the nickname is turned back on him. But vengeance is oh-so-sweet after that, when Jim reprograms the replicator to only produce cupcakes when Cupcake tries to get his food. The man can only swallow whatever anger he has and nod and smile at his captain.

"He hates you, you know," Bones remarks one day on the Enterprise.

And Jim smiles and shakes his head. "No he doesn't. Cupcake and I have a very strong relationship. It's built on baked goods and nicknames and a mutual desire to beat the crap out of each other, just like every healthy relationship."

Bones just rolls his eyes.


V. Jim Kirk and the Defense of His Honor

To be fair, it's a rare occasion for Jim to actually start the fight. He's almost always at the root of their beginning—because he pushes peoples' buttons and it's just what he does—but it's once in a blue moon when he actually throws the first punch.

But this fight just happens to be one where he throws the first punch and a flurry of blows after that. It takes a lot to make him snap—because he's had so much practice at keeping his cool—but the men he faces now know just where to push to make him lose every inch of restraint he has.

It's a group of three macho, burly, half-drunk men, who are just itching for a fight, and who set their sights on Jim early. They know who he is—he's famous around campus. Or rather, infamous, really. Infamous for brawling and womanizing. And they want a fight with him. Their blood is up and they set to try to instigate a fight. At first he just laughs; if they want a fight they'll have to try harder than just petty insults. Or they could throw the first punch, because everyone knows Jim Kirk won't just let a sucker punch go. But they don't. There's a gleam of something different in their eyes; they aren't just looking to fight him, they're looking to break him.

The insults crank up a caliber. Now they're insulting Jim on a more personal level: his grades and his looks and the fights he's lost and the women who've turned him down—of which there aren't many and Uhura is at the top of the short list—and of how he's still nothing more than a dumb hick that wouldn't have gotten anywhere without Christopher Pike.

The mention of the man who he respects the most makes Jim's shoulders tighten with tension. It's the first sign all night, and the three men jump all over it.

"So what'd you do to get Pike to play favorites with you?" The ringleader asks, a leering expression on his face. "Let him stick his cock up your ass?" The other two titter in laughter, as though it's the funniest thing they've ever heard. "Did you stick his cock in your mouth? I bet you like that kind of thing, Kirk." Jim shifts, his muscles tensing.

Bones—who is there right alongside him like any good friend—lays a restraining hand on his shoulder. "Just let it go, Jim. Let's get out of here."

But this just fuels their fire. "Bet you're sticking it to McCoy too, aren't you, fag?" The leader says. Bones raises an eyebrow and Jim just grins—but everyone can read the deadly hostility veiled behind the baring of his teeth.

"What's the matter, sweetie?" He says, in a sickeningly sweet voice. "Jealous?"

The ringleader's face goes bright red, flushed with anger. Now should be the moment when he breaks, when he throws the first punch so that Jim can proceed to destroy him, but he holds it together. There's a kind of dark triumph in his eyes as he leans forwards.

"That's just how you Kirk's operate, isn't it?" He says, and Jim tilts his head in confusion. "Whoring yourselves out to the highest bidder. That's probably how your mother ever made officer." Jim's hands curl into fists and his body is tightly strung. The man sees how close he is to breaking and pushes forward, leaning close, dropping his voice to a whisper. "Bet your old man was sticking it to Robau. That's the only way he ever made Captain."

Jim goes stiff and absolutely silent. Bones looks at him and then carefully, almost casually, backs up, taking his glass with him.

In the next instant Jim is flying across the table at the ringleader, and Bones is sitting back, shaking his head. He downs his glass and jumps into the fray, because he is a good best friend, and it's up to him to make sure that Jim doesn't get himself killed.

Later on Bones is berating him loudly and treating his injuries with gentleness that belies his gruff exterior, and Jim is smirking. He has a list of injuries a mile long, but this is one fight that he wins. This is one fight that he walks—stumbles, really—away from, leaving his enemies broken on the floor behind him.


VI. Jim Kirk versus the Drunken Pissed Off Mob (aka. The One Where His Crew Saves the Day)

This time James T. Kirk honestly has nothing to do with the start of the fight. It's a completely unrelated argument between two complete strangers. He's just trying to relax on his shore leave, kicking back a few beers after the completion of a difficult mission. He's actually waiting in the bar alone, saving a table for when the rest of his bridge crew finally makes their way down to the planet's surface. But he's fine with the temporary solitude; it gives him time to think and relax and not have to play at being captain.

Until, of course, the strangers' argument breaks into physical violence. Normally he wouldn't do anything. It's not his fight and he certainly doesn't want any part in it. But now he's a Starship Captain, and with that comes certain responsibilities. Like not allowing the bar to become the new war grounds for tensions between the two races of the planet he's on. They've only recently declared peace—which he and his crew had a part to play in—and tensions are still running high on both sides.

Which is why he can't allow this simple little bar fight to escalate, or else he'll have the two governments calling for war against each other and all of his hard work will go right out the window. And he will not let that happen. He absolutely refuses to stay on this planet for the months that it would take to sort everything out again.

So he steps up and gets between the two who are arguing and declares who he is—he's Captain James Tiberius Kirk, dammit, so they'd better listen—and tries to get them to back down and cool off.

It doesn't work. In fact, his interference seems to make them even angrier. They're angrier at each other and, more importantly, they're angry at him. They don't like each other, but they like him even less. And that's when things start to get out of hand. They lash out at each other and he physically separates them. But in that action of physically involving himself he opens the door and presents himself as a target.

Which they both immediately go for. They strike at him, and the moment he strikes back it's like he's opened Pandora's box. The whole bloody bar seems to dissolve into a riot. Alien race against alien race and both races against him. He's surrounded and fighting off a dozen enemies that seem to multiply and he knows that he's in some deep shit if things keep going as they are.

At which point the doors to the bar fly open and his crew—the bridge crew including Spock, Sulu, Chekov, and Uhura, Scotty, Bones, a security team led by none other than Cupcake himself, and about a dozen red-shirts—barges in, acting like they own the place. It takes less than a minute for them to completely dissolve the fight, and the instigators are incapacitated on the ground.

Bones steps through the throngs of people and faces Jim, hands on his hips like a mother scolding her child. "What is it with you and bars?"

Jim grins and shrugs. "They love me?" He's got what'll probably end up being a black eye and his lip is split, but those are the extent of his injuries. He throws an arm over his friend's shoulders and guides him towards the entrance, facing his crew. "C'mon. Let's find a quieter place to enjoy our shore leave."

It's one of the few times in his life that Jim Kirk walks out of a bar without being carried or supported or thrown out into the dirt. He holds his head and can't help but smile.

His crew has his back.

And he's got theirs.


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