AN: This is the first story I've ever submitted, so please be kind!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did, Remus and Sirius would have ended up together, not Remus and Tonks! And Sirius would not have gone to Azkaban and later died, but sadly he did. *sob*
He's What Gets Me Through
On nights like these I'm torn.
As the moon beams into my window, creeping in through the curtains I have pulled tight around my bed, I can feel the monster in be fighting its way to the surface, desperately trying to gain control.
I despise it. I despise everything about the beast in me, the blood lust, the animalistic lust, the craving for freedom.
And in turn, I always end up despising myself, because the beast is me, and I am the beast. There is no separating the two of us.
I have often though of just ending it all. Turning my wand on myself and muttering a quick "Avada Kedavra" or simply grabbing some sharp object and cutting myself, allowing my life's blood to flow from my body till I am nothing but a lifeless corpse, pale and cold and unfeeling.
But I know I could never take my own life. Not because I am a coward. I am a Gryffindor after all. We are known for our bravery, though some would call it stupidity.
No, the reason I cannot take my own life is because of…
Oh, how I whisper the name as a prayer now, the syllables softly rolling off my tongue, escaping the confines of my mouth almost silently, it's always enough to make my lips tingle ever so gently and pleasantly. It is nothing more than a softly spoken word, and yet it speaks volumes as to how I feel, as to how much I adore him.
Oh, I love him.
He is the reason I force myself to go on, even as I have to suffer through month after month of tearing myself apart, of allowing the wolf in me to take control and to punish me for my every weakness, my every mistake.
I would go through all that and more though, just to have Sirius by my side, smiling the devastatingly beautiful grin of his, the one that speaks of mischief and mayhem and teenage rebellion, the one that seems to take my breath away every single time, no matter how often I have seen it before.
I know my heart beats solely for him now.
There are times that I find myself wondering how he could have become the center of my entire universe so quickly, how he could have become the most important person in my life at such a fast rate, and yet I know that this change did not take place as quickly as I sometimes believe it did.
My entire life before now has led me up to this, prepared me for the moment in my life when I would admit to myself that it is Sirius Orion Black that I am madly in love with, and allow myself to thrive on the knowledge, on the wonderful feelings that are evoked from loving, and being loved in return.
Because yes, Sirius does love me back, loves me so much that he can get past the fact that I am a hideous werewolf, and in fact, love me even more so because I am.
It is such a wonderful feeling.
He holds me against him every night, murmuring softly spoken words into my ear, telling me that I am so, so beautiful and that he is a fool for not having seen that before now, in our sixth year at school.
It is such a wonderful thing to hear, even if I find it hard to believe.
I know he loves me though.
There is no denying it when he holds my hand in his as we walk to classes or sit in public, entwining two sets of long, thinly sculptured fingers together and squeezing ever so often, silently letting me know that, yes, he is aware that he is still holding my hand, and no, he has no plan to let go any time soon.
I cannot doubt that he loves me as he wraps his arm around me as we sit together in the common room , nuzzling his face into my neck ever so gently, and placing a whisper of a kiss against the soft patch of skin below my ear, letting his voice vibrate against me as he whispers a quiet I love you.
Those words are always quiet. Not because either of us are embarrassed by them, or ashamed. They are private though, soft phrases that are for no one but the two of us. There is no need to shout them to the roof tops. We are content by simply sharing them with each other, allowing the sweetness of the words to wrap us in a bubble that no one else can penetrate.
Our love has created a world for us that no one can break into, that no one can damage or destroy.
We are stronger together.
We are whole.
Sirius has somehow managed to bring back to me the part of myself that was lost the night the wolf became a part of me, or perhaps he has simply replaced that hole in me with something better, something more worth waking up to each day.
I find myself loving him more and more each day.
The way he laughs, the bark like laughter that sounds more dog then human.
The way he smiles. Not just that mischievous little grin I told you about, but that gentle little smile that is for no one but me. The one that graces his lips every time he catches my eye, amber meeting grey.
And how I love his eyes as well. They express every single emotion he has ever felt, whether it be mischief, anger or love. He has such expressive eyes. You can tell exactly what he is thinking, just by looking into them. You can drown in their depths; the emotions in them run so deep.
There is nothing I would not do for Sirius. My love for him knows no bounds, and I know that he feels the same. He'll stand by me throughout everything, the good times and the bad, and he knows just how to calm me when I'm mad, how to make me smile when I'm sad.
He is my reason for living, my reason for all that I do, and even as I get annoyed with him sometimes, like when he interrupts me as I'm attempting to do my homework or study, or when he's being a complete prat, off pranking Slytherins or first years, I know that I'll always be capable of forgiving him, no matter what he does.
Not everything about our lives are peaches and crème, simple and serene, but together, we'll get through, even as we have to face things like my lycanthropy and his awful, narrow minded family, or the war that we will find ourselves right in the middle of once we leave Hogwarts.
Together, we are stronger than we ever could have been apart, and we are very much in love.
I hear the curtains around my bed being pulled aside, and suddenly the moon is very much a part of the space I have been hiding myself in. It is closed off just as soon as it had come into view, but the wolf is howling in me now, wanting to see it once more.
Arms are suddenly around me, holding me close, barrowing against me, and warmth envelopes me. All I can smell is Sirius. He's all I know at the moment, and as he nuzzles his nose against my neck, placing a gentle kiss right under my ear, lips ever so softly touching my skin, whispering his love into my ear, I close my eyes, content.
The moon is forgotten for now.
The wolf is no longer a part of me.
All there is is Sirius.
Wooo!!! All done. Didn't you guys like it?
Please review. It helps boost my very low self esteem.
Maybe I'll right more, if you guys like it:D