Author's Note: Re-reading this, I couldn't stop giggling, and I'd like to thank all my author-friends who helped me put this one-shot together last year. :P

Summary: Naruto's deranged obsession with Uchiha Sasuke started at the age of negative one. Minato/Mikoto, hints of others. Humor/Romance, T.

Negative One

by Bullwinkle's Lady

The three were lined up in a single tent: Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke. Bats fluttered above them, mice below them, but the three slept soundly, unalarmed by the dangers the forest could readily produce.

Naruto slept closest to the tents flaps, the "bathroom exit," and the warm breeze that tickled his nose.

Sakura slept the furthest away from him on the other side of the tent, assured that Sasuke would protect her from Naruto's infamous sleep-groping.

...but who would protect him?

Uchiha Sasuke took a sharp gasp.

He slept in the very middle, subject to Naruto's murmurs, prodding, drooling, and suckling. "Nooo!" he yelled as Naruto climbed on top of him, seeming keen to smother him with his brawn body.

"Mommy," the blonde murmured in his sleep, wrapping his arms and legs around the other boy.

One may ask, why? Why was Uzumaki Naruto so utterly absorbed in Uchiha Sasuke? What fueled this obsession – the need to be near the other boy at all times? What compelled Naruto to "protect" his teammate, when Uchiha Sasuke himself requested no such treatment? What possessed Naruto to throw his life away, all for someone who forgot his name from time to time, compensating with a brief utter of, "dobe."

Naruto didn't know, himself.

It surely had nothing to do with his love for bright colors, his impending homosexuality, or the psychological retardation one might find in his dim eyes.

It surely, surely, couldn't have had anything to do with his mother issues?

In actuality, it had all started at the age of negative one.

Yes, negative one.

"He hates that!" a thirty-seven-year-old Tsunade snapped, attempting to pry a jar of mayo from her comrade's arms.

"He loves mayonnaise!" cried Orochimaru, looking utterly scandalized, as he and Tsunade engaged in an impromptu wrestling match in the corner of Konoha's grocery store. To curious onlookers, it seemed like a feisty make-out session. Several men had already arrived on the scene, empowered by their internal smex detection and rooting for the more feminine figure writhing over the jar.

If Tsunade had known this, she would have been flattered...until she realized they were cheering on the "black-haired-hottie."

"You don't feed mayo to a sick person," growled Tsunade, the heel of her foot pressed against Orochimaru's flaccid white cheek.

It was quite the strange sight - Tsunade and Orochimaru grocery shopping together - but their beloved sensei (former sensei) was sick in bed, and they'd made passionate vows to take care of him.

...Jiraya had settled for a nudey bar.

As the duo's suggestive struggles and perverse grunts became more and more pronounced, a figure walked by. White cloak. Blonde hair. Stupid grin.

Orochimaru and Tsunade froze in place, their cheeks pressed together and a misshapen mayonnaise container held between them. Tsunade retired to awkwardly petting Orochimaru's hair, throwing a false smile at the Yondaime.

"Hi guys," Minato called over his shoulder as he strolled to a register.

"Hello," Orochimaru growled contemptuously, as Tsunade continued to vigorously nod and smile.

When the Hokage rounded the corner, their stretched expressions fell.


"Fucking ingrate."

The oblivious Namikaze Minato began to walk faster, keen to reach the open register the Yuuhi girl was attending. Just before he breached the narrow that differentiated the shoppers from the line, someone slid in front of him. Dammit. He stared in amazement at Uchiha Mikoto, unable to discern how her gargantuan, teetering shopping cart had managed to squeeze into the space between him and Kurenai. He couldn't rule out a new time/space jutsu, but to use it on a shopping trolley? Clearly the Uchiha inbreeding was getting a little out of hand...

"Next please," said the young cashier.

Minato stared down at his single item – a tube of toothpaste – teeth grit in frustration as Mikoto loaded her things onto the conveyer belt. Throwing a glance around the store, the Hokage realized there were no other lines less than ten people long. Heaving a defeated sigh, he turned back to the convoluted brunette. He'd always had a fascination for Uchihas - their onyx eyes, their penetrating stares. "How are you?"

She curtly nodded, as though that could pass as a response, a small, practiced, smile, gently crossing her pretty face. "How are you, Hokage-sama?" she cheerfully inquired. He watched her pink lips, her cat eyes.

"I'm good," said Minato. "Busy,"he added emphatically, then paused, looking the woman over. "Um, nice dress."

Slutty dress.

It looked more like nightwear than something to go shopping in. It was blue, navy blue, form fitting, with a low collar, thin straps, and a hem that was far too high to be decent.

But then, she was Uchiha Mikoto, and her superior elegance didn't mean she couldn't get away with it.

Her, and her pale skin. Her dark, glossy, hair, and those bland, inquisitive, eyes.

Shit. He was staring.

"Thank you," said Mikoto, blushing cutely. She nipped her bottom lip, and he abruptly realized that she'd been staring as well.

"Stay the night," she mumbled, wearily smiling.

"I should probably leave..."

"My husband won't be back until tomorrow," Mikoto murmured into the crook of his neck. "And your wife is still in the Whirlpool country, isn't she?"

His mouth twitched. "Alight," Minato surrendered. "Just let me take a piss. My bladder's about to explode."

Mikoto climbed off him, and he admired her slim frame. Her fingers pulled through his hair one last time as he climbed out of the bed. The woman was so different from Kushiha. Cold, quiet, reserved - what more could he expect? She was an Uchiha woman, and of the highest quality.

Stark naked, Minato found his way to the bathroom, and immediately began to relieve himself. Almost instantly, his felt an uncomfortable sense of paranoia, and glanced at the bathroom door he hadn't bothered to close. His heart stopped when he realized that someone was there.

Watching him.

The little boy couldn't have been anything over four, with beady little black eyes and alarmingly premature frown lines. He stood in the doorframe, his face a mask of pure apathy, and did nothing but watch Minato urinate.

The fourth Hokage nearly vomited at the sheer creepiness of it all. Deciding that he'd perhaps traumatized Mikoto's (neglected) son, he attempted a warm smile. "Why hello there..." he stated, finishing up and shaking off the remainder.

The boy said nothing. Hitami? Itabi? It- Ita-

"Itachi," muttered Minato. "How are you, Itachi?" he said as pleasantly as he could.

Seconds of uncomfortable silence passed between them, quickly turning into minutes. When Minato was positive that nothing would happen-

Itachi opened his mouth and released a bloodcurdling, high-pitched, extraterrestrial scream. He didn't even pause for air, but screamed and screamed, until the color of his face resembled that of a baboon's bottom. Rather freaked out (shitlessly terrified), Minato fled the bathroom and the household, never to be seen or heard from again...except for the next morning, when Hatake Kakashi found his naked body curled up in his dumpster. But alas, that's another story.

That day passed like any other, Uchiha Itachi calmly sipping from a cup of imaginary tea during his weekly play date with Ichiraku Ayame and Inuzuka Hana.

Nine months later, Mikoto gave birth.

"Twins!" said the doctor excitedly. "My goodness, the first one looks exactly like her! The other...erm..." The doctor trailed off as Fugaku slowly scowled.

Uzumaki Naruto opened blue eyes for the very first time. They met with large black ones, and a tired smile. She kissed his head, and for those few moments, he had a mother.

"Take it away!" shrieked Fugaku as he burst into the hospital room. "Off with it's head!" he cried, getting a little ahead of himself.

With that, Naruto was snatched from his mother – from his sleeping little brother – and thrown into a world of chaos.

The Kyuubi was approaching, the Yondaime needed a host, and Fugaku just happened to have an expendable baby. The puzzle pieces fell together perfectly.

Twelve years later, Naruto murmured "Mommy," against Sasuke, who happened to be a spitting image of her.

Unbeknownst to Naruto, they were related by another means.

But until he figured it out, at the eternity of infinity-

"Get off me, you fucking rapist!"

-he'd regard Uchiha Sasuke as his mommy.

And Sasuke?

Uchiha Sasuke thought the whole thing was batshit insane. Who could blame him?