Disclaimer – I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh!
*Rated M for Mature (Unless Otherwise Noted) – Sexual Themes, Language
Author's Note – It's been such a long time since I've updated anything, so I decided to do something really fun. I figured people could use a good laugh.
Game Show (Rated M)
"Mokuba, you had better tell me what the hell is going on and you had better tell me now," Seto ground out, eyeing the cameraman warily from the stage. "What is all this?"
The younger Kaiba didn't have the nerve to look even remotely remorseful. Instead, he gave his brother a wide grin and led him around the set so that they could see the front of the stage. In big, flashing yellow and green letters was the phrase, "Do You Know Seto Kaiba?"
"Mokuba," Seto started as he glared at the alarming letters before him, "I'm not asking you again."
"Well, everyone knows you're popular and lots of people know stuff about you, so one of the board members of the company suggested a game show involving you. He pitched the idea and it sounded pretty good, so I signed off on it. Cool, huh?"
"Signed off on it—WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?"
"While you were away on business," Mokuba stated simply. "When you're not here, I get to make the decisions."
Mokuba laughed nervously. "Uh, well, two fans are selected per show and they're asked random questions about you. If they get the answers right, they get points. And the winner gets the Grand Prize."
"And where are these questions coming from, Mokuba?" Seto demanded heatedly.
The younger Kaiba took a hesitant step back. "Heh, about that—"
"I don't even know why the hell I'm here!" Seto and Mokuba turned to see a very agitated blond arguing with the producer; it was Joey. He grabbed the man by the collar of his shirt and shook him. "Why am I here?"
"Joey!" Mokuba called out, trying to rescue the producer. The blond stopped what he was doing and looked over at him and Seto.
"Mokuba?" started Joey as he released the man's shirt. He marched over to them, hands clenched at his sides. "What the hell am I doin' here? Some guys pulled up next to me and the next thing I knew, they threw me into the car and brought me here! What gives?"
"I think I know," came a sing-song voice from behind him. Joey turned around and immediately recoiled. It was Sunshine Moonchild—Joey figured her parents either needed help or were astrologists given the name she had—and she was Kaiba's number one fan. "You're here because I wanted you to be."
Joey blinked at her a few time. "Huh?"
"This is a game show about Seto Kaiba. A show I plan to win. And I got to select my opponent, Joey Wheeler. And you're it."
"Because if it's against you, I'm sure to win. Of course, I know everything there is to know about Seto Kaiba, but I can't risk facing off against another fangirl, if you know what I mean. Things might get…out of hand."
"So ya picked me?!"
"Yep! See you later, loser!" said Sunshine as she waltzed away.
Joey's head whipped to the side. "Do I really gotta do this?"
"Technically? Yeah," said Mokuba, looking somewhat disappointed that Joey was Sunshine's opponent. Apparently, his hope for a catfight on stage was out. And what did Joey know about Seto, anyway? Maybe this show would be a flop.
"I don't like this," Seto mumbled. His heart was starting to beat faster and faster. What if someone said something embarrassing about him? He'd never hear the end of it! His reputation would be ruined! "I will not be made a fool!"
"Mr. Kaiba, we'll be starting in five minutes," said the producer. "Places, everyone! And Mr. Kaiba, would you please head backstage with the young sir?"
Mokuba grabbed his brother's arm and pulled him backstage while Joey and Sunshine were guided to their respective podiums. Joey looked like he wanted the earth to swallow him whole. Sunshine, on the other hand, beamed like her namesake.
Once the host appeared, the cameras were aimed at the contestants and the live game show began.
"Welcome, everyone! I am your host, Thomas Miller, and this is Do You Know Seto Kaiba? As you may have guessed, this show is about Seto Kaiba. I will ask our contestants questions about him and if they get the answers right, they gain points. The person who gains the most points will win the Grand Prize!"
Joey's head perked up. "Grand Prize? We win money for this?"
Thomas Miller ignored him and moved on. "To our left we have contestant number one, Sunshine Moonchild! She claims that she is Seto Kaiba's number one fan and—"
"I don't claim it," cut in Sunshine. "I am Kaiba's number one fan."
"—and she clai-will be Seto Kaiba's wife some day," he corrected after receiving a deadly glare. "To our right, we have her opponent, Joey Wheeler, who—as the public records show—is Seto Kaiba's number two enemy! The first, of course, being Yami."
"Get on with it!" Sunshine screeched. "I want to win and show Seto Kaiba that I am completely devoted to him!"
Thomas chuckled nervously before clearing his throat. "All right, then. Contestants, please notice the buzzer on your podium. Once I ask a question, and you believe you know the answer, hit the buzzer. Whoever hits the buzzer first get to answer the question first. If they answer correctly, they gain points. If they don't, that question is then passed onto the next contestant. If that contestant answers correctly, they get the points. If not, no one receives any points. Do you understand the rules of the game?"
Both contestants nodded.
"Then let's begin with our first question," said Thomas. "Was Seto Kaiba named after anyone?"
Sunshine hit her buzzer first. "No!"
"That is correct," said Thomas. Ten points appeared on Sunshine's counter. "Next question. Does Seto Kaiba have any children?"
"He has children?!" Sunshine screeched.
Joey's hand hit the buzzer. "No, he doesn't! Well, if ya don't count Mokuba, that is. He's a kid and he takes care of him, but he's not really his kid—"
"We get the idea. You get the points," interrupted Thomas. "Next question. What color shoes does Seto Kaiba wear?"
"Brown!" Sunshine yelled when her hand hit the buzzer.
"I'm sorry. That is incorrect. Mr. Wheeler?"
"They're black," Joey answered.
"No, they're not! They're brown!"
"He's got like one pair of boots! They're frickin' black, ya dumb little—"
"Next question! What color is Seto Kaiba's house?"
"White! It's white!" Sunshine yelled, repeatedly slamming her hand on the buzzer.
"Correct! Next question! Does Seto Kaiba like his handwriting?"
Sunshine's hand hit the buzzer. "Of course, he does! He's Seto Kaiba!"
"Wrong," cut in Joey. "He hates his handwritin'. He thinks it looks girly."
Thomas blanched. "That's correct, minus the…girly part. I-I don't really know about that." He shot a hesitant look past the curtain back stage.
On the other side of it, Seto was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Sure, the questions weren't too bad, just Joey was pushing it!
"Next question! If Seto Kaiba was a crayon, what color would he be?"
"What kind of a question is that?" Joey exclaimed.
Sunshine's hand hit the buzzer. "He'd be every crayon, so I say a rainbow because he brings all the color into this world."
Joey stared at her. "Whatever the heck you're on, gimme some. It's the only way I'm gonna get through this."
"I'm afraid that's incorrect. Mr. Wheeler?"
"Uh…black cuz it matches his soul?"
"Correct," Thomas exhaled looking downcast. These questions were just getting worse. Who the hell came up with these?
"Mokuba," Seto hissed from backstage. "Did you give them my diary?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Seto," replied the young boy. "And guys don't keep diaries. They keep journals."
"Fine! Did you take my journal?" he spat.
NOOOOOOOOO! Seto's brain screamed. That meant his deepest, darkest secrets could be revealed on this very show!
"Next question," said Thomas. "What is Seto Kaiba's favorite lunchmeat?"
Sunshine's hand hit the buzzer. "Pfft. He doesn't eat lunchmeat," she chortled.
Joey rolled his eyes and hit the buzzer. "Bologna."
"Bologna?!" Sunshine snapped. "Seto Kaiba does not and would never eat bologna. That's revolting!"
"I'm afraid he's correct, Miss Moonchild."
Sunshine shot the host a glare so lethal, he felt himself rooted to the spot. "No," she started, a crazed look in her eyes. "No, no. My Seto Kaiba doesn't eat bologna! He doesn't!"
"O-kay. Uh, next question. What is Seto Kaiba's favorite sound?"
Sunshine hit the buzzer so hard, it started to crack. "The whirring of a machine starting up."
"Wrong. Mr. Wheeler?"
Joey rested his chin in his hands on the podium. "Yami's cries of defeat."
"No!" screamed Sunshine. "You can't know more about Seto Kaiba than me! You just…can't! Okay. We're taking this to the next level! Bring it on, Mr. Host!"
"All right," Thomas replied unsurely. He supposed it was time to pick up the pace. "Does Seto Kaib prefer summer or winter?"
"Winter!" shouted Sunshine.
"Correct. Who does Seto Kaiba miss the most?"
"His parents!" called out Joey.
"Correct. Does Seto Kaiba untie his shoes when he takes them off?"
"Yes!" said Sunshine.
"Correct. If Seto Kaiba was another person, would he be friends with himself?"
Joey's hand hit the buzzer without thinking, so he paused for a few seconds before answering. "Uh…no because he would just see himself as another rival?"
"Correct. Does Seto Kaiba think he is strong?"
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" shouted Sunshine.
"Are ya answerin' questions or havin' an orgasm?"
"Shut up, Wheeler!"
"Uh, correct, so…next question. What is the first thing Seto Kaiba notices about people?"
"Their hair," answered Joey. Sunshine absentmindedly began fiddling with hers.
"Correct. Does Seto Kaiba prefer the color red or blue?"
"Blue!" said Sunshine.
"Wrong. Mr. Wheeler?"
"It's red," he stated matter-of-factly. "The only other answer was in the question."
"Just deal with it. Correct. Does Seto Kaiba prefer scary movies or happy endings?"
"Both," said Joey.
"Correct. Does Seto Kaiba prefer hugs or kisses?"
"Hugs because then he gets to cuddle!" exclaimed Sunshine, seething over her podium.
Thomas just stared at her. "Mr. Wheeler?"
"That's the same deal as the color one!"
"Just answer the question!"
"Correct. What is Seto Kaiba's least favorite thing about himself?"
"His diet!" screamed Sunshine.
"What?" echoed Joey and Thomas.
"His diet. He eats filthy things like…like bologna and all that other crap when he should be eating like me. I'm a vegan. And once I'm with him, he'll eat better. We can eat alfalfa sprouts and wheatgrass and flaxseed and chia seeds and raw nuts and organic beans and—"
"He's a human being, not a chicken!" interrupted Joey.
"Are you dissing the vegan lifestyle?"
"No, I'm dissin' you! Tea's a vegan and she ain't a nutcase like you!"
"FINAL QUESTION!" cut in Thomas. He couldn't take this anymore. "Whoever gets this question right wins the game because I don't care! What is Seto Kaiba's deepest, darkest secret?"
Seto blanched backstage. His fears were coming true!
"Which one?" Joey asked immediately after the question.
"Huh?" replied Thomas.
I have more than one?! Seto's mind screamed as he wracked his brain. How do these two know so much about me?!
Sunshine's hand hit the buzzer. "Seto Kaiba writes homoerotic novels under the female pseudonym Selene Karin!"
"How did she know?!" Seto gasped as he pulled on his hair.
Mokuba's head whipped around. "That's true?!"
Sunshine slammed her hands on the podium. "The novels are about the male protagonist Samson Kane and his adventurous sexual exploits with his blond lover Johnny Walters."
At this point, Seto was starting to freak out. He needed to shut her up! But how?!
He decided the old fashioned way would work, so he bolted for the stage. However, Seto's foot got caught in the curtain and he fell backward into a lever, which moved, causing an old trapdoor to pop open onstage. Sunshine Moonchild fell through it, screaming at the top of her lungs.
Back onstage, Thomas and Joey stared numbly at the opening in the floor before the host cleared his throat. "Um…would you like to answer the question?"
"Answer the—she just fell through the damn floor!"
"Yes, well, once you answer the question, you win."
Joey crossed his arms and thought, appeased by the concept of winning the Grand Prize for himself. "Well, he's gotta deaf cat he named Peaches Kaiba."
"P-Peaches?!" burst out Thomas as his laughter consumed him. Tears started forming at the corners of his eyes. "Well, there w-we have it, e-everyone! Joey Wheeler is the winner of Do You Know Seto Kaiba? And his Grand Prize will be—ha, ha, this is rich—a date with the man himself, Seto Kaiba!"
"What?" Joey and Seto both roared. The brunet finally made it onto the stage.
Yugi and Yami stared at the television screen as all hell broke loose on stage.
"What do ya mean there's no *bleep* prize money?! Hey! Are ya *bleep* bleepin' me? Ya better not be *bleep* bleepin' me!" shouted Joey from the television.
"So," started Yugi, "Kaiba's got a pet cat, huh? Yami?"
"Oh…my…GODS!" Yami shouted, looking horrified.
"Huh? Yami, I thought you liked cats!"
"Not that! Just…I've been having sex with Kaiba!"
Yugi's eyes widened dramatically. "Wait, what?! But you hate Kaiba! And you're with me—have you been cheating on me?!"
Yami realized how he must have come off and tried to clarify things quickly. "No! That's not what I mean! Just—the books—I—"
"Wait a minute! The books you get ideas from? For when we—you mean Kaiba wrote them?!" Yugi looked like he wanted to faint.
"That's what I mean! I've been having sex with Kaiba!"
They both sat in silence for a moment before Yugi spoke up again. "Technically, you haven't been having sex with Kaiba. You've been having sex as Kaiba if we assume Samson Kane is Kaiba."
"That doesn't make it any better!"
"And that means I have been having sex with Kaiba. Which means you've been having sex with—"
"You don't think it's Joey, do you?" Yami cut in. "Johnny Walters. Look at the initials. And he's a blond. That means I've been having sex with Joey!"
"But Kaiba and Joey aren't together! Are they?" Yugi questioned.
"I don't think so," replied Yami, swallowing thickly. "Which means we've been living out Kaiba's sexual fantasies."
They were some pretty damn good fantasies in Yugi's opinion, but the thought was still slightly disturbing. "Do you think Joey's put it together yet?"
"No," said Yami as he looked back at the television. "He still seems upset that there's no prize money. But he'll find out sooner or later."
"Hopefully it's sooner rather than later," added Yugi as he watched Joey lunge for the host. Security arrived just in time to pry him off.
"I'm gonna rip off your *bleep* head and shove it up your *bleep* *bleep* and kick ya where the sun don't shine, ya *bleep* piece of—"
"I was wondering when they'd cut it off," said Yami.
"Do you think Joey's okay?" asked Yugi.
Yami shrugged. "We'll find out soon enough."
Thank Reizbar-Ookami for the creation of Sunshine Moonchild. And if you didn't know, I borrowed Peaches Kaiba from her, too. Go check out her drabble!