Disclaimer: Still not mine.

Author's Note:

Merry Christmas!

Companion to Robin's guide to Tamaranian Affection.

Broken record moment: Aussie, spelling, slang, word usage is all different. I've done my best with American slang, but I'm out of practice.

Big Fat Warning: Young adult thoughts and somewhat dirty minds. Some crass language. Boy humour. Picking on Robin. Kry trying to be funny.

It was a reasonably quiet day in Titans Tower, if you ignored the fact that Cyborg and Beast Boy were having the "EPIC BATTLE OF THE MEGA MONKEY'S SEVEN, DUDE! YOU ARE SO MISSING THIS, PUT THE NEWSPAPER DOWN! lower the volume, grass stain," gaming session, which consisted of vast amounts of junk food, loud music, the full screen TV on full blast and Beast Boy's continually commentary about who was winning to Robin… who decided the moment he woke up to put earplugs in and ignored the whole event.

It was inevitable, Robin supposed, the pair had always had one of these days whenever a new game came out. Sometimes if it was a fighting based game, Robin would join in, but most of the time he and the girls just let Cyborg and Beast Boy have their fun. So long as the common room was cleaned when it was finished, and they made no complaints if a Titan alert happened to interrupt their games.

It was surprising, the first time anyway, when Raven began turning up to these sessions. She would float up the back and appear to meditate, but Robin noticed she always had a snide remark ready for Beast Boy when he stuffed up or was doing really well. Over the years, the green changeling and Raven had developed a quiet banter, which consisted of her picking on him, and him happily retorting anything she said with a rude noise and occasional a remark in reply. Robin had noticed recently, as the changeling had reached eighteen and filled out, that Raven's remarks had changed from how scrawny Beast Boy was, and turned to how he was still shorter than her. Their latest banter sessions had begun to include the changing of Beast Boy's name to something more 'manly', according to Beast Boy anyway, so both Raven and Cyborg were helpfully supplying him with a variety of options.

Robin didn't think 'Grass Stain', 'the Green Goober', 'Hobgoblin', 'Spinach Muncher' or the 'Great Garfield' would suit, nor would Beast Boy's suggestions of 'Dashing Dude' or 'Beast Man'. Robin hoped they would settle it soon, personally he thought if Beast Boy had to change it, something simple would be better.

Of course, that brought the whole 'Nightwing' issue to the forefront of Robin's mind… again. He ran his hand through his hair. He'd been trying to grow it and spikes no longer suited him now he was no longer a teenager. There was also the whole 'Robin is Batman's sidekick' issue, and the fact that Batman had been training another young man, ready to take up the mantle.

Not that Robin was surprised. He and his father had reconciled with help from Starfire and Alfred, damn those two were conniving when they got together, but Batman and Robin were still estranged. He carefully placed aside the newspaper, opening his coded notebook, retrieved the pen in the binder and began to study the plans for his Nightwing suit. Perhaps very soon there would be a new Robin, ready to work at Batman's side again and Nightwing would be ready to make his own entrance.

A particularly loud screech from Beast Boy penetrated Robin's earplugs about ten minutes later, forcing him to look up from his work.


"I did not!"

"YOU SO DID, I SAW IT! You're totally running cheat codes from your arm!"

Robin winced, pulling one of his earplugs out to speak to Starfire, who was sitting across the table from him, diligently writing in a fluffy, purple and covered in sparkles book. A journal perhaps? She smiled brightly as she saw him looking at her and rolled her eyes playfully as Beast Boy continued to rant at Cyborg about something that just happened in the game.

Robin grinned. His Star was picking up more and more human idiosyncrasies and becoming more familiar with movements as expressions. It was nice that she'd become so comfortable around humans now, even if she still spoke without contractions. Part of him had begun to wonder if she spoke that way because she knew he liked it.

He reached across the table to clasp Starfire's hand. "We should get out of here," he said, with a wink. "Lunch?"

Starfire brightened considerably. "I would love to!" she squealed.

Robin grinned. "Off you go," he said, jabbing his pen at the door. "Go get ready." It was better to give her ten minutes to 'beautify herself in Earthly fashion', not that he thought she needed it. She would stay in uniform, she knew these impromptu dates were just that and any real dates he'd ask her a long way in advance so they could go casually. She'd come back freshly washed and brushed and wearing a little make up and that strawberry lip gloss he liked so much. He withheld the need to lick his lips as he thought about it.

She beamed at him again and floated out of her chair. With a quick kiss, she darted from the common room.

He smiled at Raven's knowing smirk.

"You would really leave me to these two?" she teased him.

"You would really love to come to lunch and watch Starfire and I make kissy face at each other?" he teased right back. She wrinkled her nose in disgust and Robin laughed. "You could always meet us later in the mall if you get sick of them."

"Oh yes," Raven replied sarcastically. "Starfire in the 'mall of shopping', or these idiots yelling loudly… real hard decision."

"You'd take us idiots any day, wouldn't you, Rae?" Beast Boy called over his shoulder from his perch on top of Cyborg's shoulders. "DUDE! You're cheating again!"

"BB, get off! You're messin' up me game, man!" There was a dull thunk as Beast Boy was tossed one-handed from Cyborg's shoulders. "Why do you insist on clamberin' all ova me when we play?"

"It's instinctual!" Beast Boy protested, scrambling upright and leaping up on the back of the couch.

"A cat coughing up hairballs is instinctual," Raven said evenly, her eyes closed in meditation once more.

"Or a dog lickin' his balls," Cyborg added gleefully. "Do you do that—"

"Don't you even start!" Beast Boy's protest reached screech proportions and his controller bounced of the side of Cyborg's head.

"Nice," Raven muttered. "Just the image I wanted."

Robin sighed, plugging his ears again and going back to work, jotting down notes as quick as he could so he could head out with Starfire. It had been a while since they'd done anything coupleish, but the alerts had been quiet this week and he hoped they could at least get lunch in without being interrupted. Maybe they could go someplace quiet afterward, just the two of them.

It wasn't long after that that Beast Boy's hand thumped down on Robin's shoulder and his voice warbled in his ear.

"What?" Robin asked, fighting to keep from being irritable. He closed his book, keeping one finger between the pages where he had been working and removed his earplugs.

"Dude," Beast Boy rolled his eyes at having to repeat what he'd said. "Do you want a soda?"

"No, thanks," Robin replied. "Star and I are going out soon."

"Ooooh," Beast Boy teased. "Was wondering were she darted off too. What was she doing before that?" He eyed the opposite end of the table, where Robin noticed Starfire's book was still open.

Robin wasn't concerned. Starfire would never leave anything out she didn't want seen. They'd all learnt from the recorder incident not to leave private stuff around. Still… "Don't know, but I wouldn't look at it, you know Star doesn't like that. Especially not after last time."

"Aww, dude," Beast Boy teased, walking around the table in exaggerate fashion, "It's not like I'm going into her room or anything. Ya know she won't mind if I… holy shit!" Beast Boy scooped up the book, staring at the page, his whole face going red. "Duuuuuuuude."

Alarmed, Robin half-rose. "What?"

"Duuuuuuuude," Beast Boy said again, causing both Raven and Cyborg to look over. "Oh, man, you are so screwed."

"What's up, BB?" Cyborg called.

"Cy, dude, check it out!" Beast Boy announced, bounding over to him with once bounce and shoved Starfire's book in Cyborg's face.

The cybernetic youth went very quiet. He looked at the book, looked up at Robin, looked down at the book again and let out a long whistle. "You know, I would've thought they'd done that already," he said eventually. "Anythin' you want to… erm… get off your chest, Rob? Or should I say… legs?"

Beast Boy cracked up with a belly holding laugh.

"What?" Robin blurted, rising all the way out of his seat and moving toward Cyborg.

Cyborg indicated the book with his head and read, slowly and very clearly. "'Starfire's guide to getting into Robin's pants'. Looks like she's copyin' you, man."

"WHAT?" Robin stared, his mind moving a mile a minute, his body frozen. His Starfire, she wouldn't write something like that! She was feisty and a minx at times and very affectionate, but sex? Sex and Starfire didn't belong in the same sentence.

"Dude, that's what it says!" Beast Boy said gleefully, draping himself companionably along Cyborg's arm to read over his shoulder. "It goes on—"

Black energy enveloped the book immediately, Raven dragging it away from the boys with a stern expression on her face. "Didn't you learn from last time?" she snapped at them as she closed the book and tucked it under her arm. "Do you really want to spend another week grovelling?"

Robin swallowed. Could his wonderful, innocent Starfire really be thinking about having sex? With him? Well, sure, they'd done loads of other stuff together but he'd always assumed that she wanted to wait.

"But I was just getting to the good part!" Beast Boy whined.

Maybe that was it, Robin had always assumed. Maybe she really did want to take their relationship to the next level. Well, he wouldn't mind that at all, at least, that's what he thought. Possibly he'd have a different reaction if she blatantly asked him.

Raven turned to sweep away regally. She'd just come even with Robin when Cyborg announced, with a waggle of his eyebrow, "It said she'd asked you about it."

Robin's brain continued to mull. But why did she write about it? Why couldn't she just ask him? They could talk about practically anything. Maybe she couldn't, after all, thinking about it made Robin all red faced, it must be worse for her. Or maybe it was another cultural thing… maybe the girls weren't supposed to ask.

Raven froze, her face draining of colour, and something popped in the kitchen.

Did that mean he would have to broach the subject? Could he even do that? How would he even do that and make sure she understood what he was asking? He knew 'hey babe, wanna come back to my room for some horizontal tango?' was just completely lame, and in the history of hearing Beast Boy use it, he didn't think the changeling had ever scored from that pick up line.

"It also said she was unsatisfied with your answer, but Bumblebee's was much more informative," Beast Boy included jovially.

"Unsatisfied?" Raven all but growled out.

Maybe he could take her out to dinner and then ask if she wanted to stay in his room for the night and see where that took them. Or maybe a leaf from Bruce Wayne's dating guide and seduce the hell out of her.

"Never been in a guy's pants, eh, Rae?" Beast Boy teased, while Cyborg laughed.

Of course, Robin thought to himself, discarding his most recent train of thought. There was always the other possibility that what she'd written was completely innocent and Beast Boy was misunderstanding it. What if she meant it literally? Or someone had asked her specifically if she'd gotten into his pants and she'd, having been confused as to the meaning, written it down to remind herself to ask him later. That was more plausible, he couldn't always answer her questions right when she had them.

"Nothing particularly noteworthy," Raven snapped back.

Beast Boy's reaction wasn't what anyone had been expecting. His whole face went shocked, his ears drooping.

Cyborg laughed louder, then suddenly swallowed it, going a strange purple colour. "Wait, she asked my Bee?"

Robin frowned, their words finally breaking through his thoughts. What the hell were they arguing about?

"Do you even wear pants?" Raven asked in a sickeningly sweet voice. She lifted up the book, licked her thumb and began leafing through the pages. "Maybe I should see what Star wrote."

Robin jolted to attention. Starfire wouldn't want her privacy invaded, even if it was just Raven and he was pretty sure those two shared a lot of private stuff. They were best friends after all. "Ahh, I wouldn't—"

"I want to see exactly what she claimed I said," Raven snapped. "She probably took my words out of context. I'm not going to let them see."

"Starfire's completely innocent," Robin snapped back defensively. "There's no way she could possibly mean—"

"Oh, sure," Beast Boy said with a waggle of his eyebrows. "Completely."

"Guess that means they ain't done the nasty," Cyborg added.

"No, it doesn't—" Robin began and clammed up, not willing to fall into that trap.

"Oh-ho!" Beast Boy sang triumphantly. "Do tell."

"Nothing to tell," Robin said before he could stop himself and then cringed.

"Wouldn't that be awfully frustrating for you, dude?" Beast Boy asked with a sly grin. "How many cold showers have you had lately?"

"I can run a check of Rob's bathroom times," Cyborg teased, and lifted his arm tauntingly. "See if there is any pattern."

Robin frowned. "Guys, I really don't think—"

"Or extended showers," Beast Boy smirked.

"I don't like what you're insinuating—" Robin snarled.

"We all know you take the longest showers, Garfield," Raven said absently, still thumbing through the book.

"Hey, I like to be clean!" Beast Boy protested vehemently.

"Uh-huh," Cyborg grinned at Beast Boy. "Sure BB. Clean."

"Hey, we're picking on Robin. Not me." Beast Boy jerked his thumb at Robin to emphasise his point. "And his dream of one day being bare naked with a girl." Beast Boy mock gasped.

"Hey!" Robin blurted, outraged.

Beast Boy shook his head sadly. "Even I've gotten further than you, dude."

Robin's ears went red. "Can we not discuss my sex life?"

"What sex life?" Cyborg teased. "Seems rather barren."

"And why not, dude?" Beast Boy grinned.

"Well, don't you think discussing my sex life also means talking about Star's sex life?"

"Not if you don't have one!" Beast Boy declared. "See? Covering my bases."

"Something that Robin hasn't managed to do!" Cyborg crowed, slapping his hands together and then rubbing them gleefully.

"Oooooh! Buuurn!" Beast Boy snickered, nudging Cyborg in the ribs. "Ya think those pants are superglued on?"

"Had a bit of an accident, ya think? Mistook the glue for some lube?"

"Oh… my… God…" Robin covered his face in dismay. "You guys are so disgusting."

"Not to mention immature," Raven muttered.

"You'd think if he'd managed to score," Beast Boy told Cyborg. "He'd be denying all this."

"I don't kiss and tell, Beast Boy," Robin snapped.

Cyborg grinned. "You just swing and miss then, huh Rob?"

"Starfire and my relationship is none of your business."

"Just as long as you remember to package your meat!" Cyborg said.

Robin groaned loudly and exaggeratingly. "Not this again. Can't you guys think of anything original?"

Beast Boy's ears drooped. "You mean you heard about the Dairy Queen?"

"Yes!" Robin almost wished he could stamp his foot. This was fast becoming ridiculous. "Now just drop it! Star'll be back soon!" The last thing he wanted to do was have her walk in on this conversation. It'd be just like last time and that had been embarrassing enough. He was surprised he hadn't exploded in anger yet.

"He's frustrated," Cyborg told Beast Boy with an air of feigned wisdom, and Beast Boy immediately assumed the same pose, rubbing his chin sagely. "Not getting enough hot alien lovin'."

"Is she even wired the same as us?" Beast Boy asked curiously. "I mean, all those cultural issues you had before, is sex even the same for them?" Beast Boy's eyes widened. "Dude! What if she's got like tentacles or something! Ack! And then, what if, what if, she like… undulates… or, or—"

"Undulates?" Cyborg asked, peering at Beast Boy questioningly.

"Yeah! Like an octopus! All wriggly and squirmy and limbs flying every where. That'd be freaky."

Robin stared at him. "What are you on?" he asked astounded.

"Been watchin' The Little Mermaid again, BB?"

"You must have a serious crush on Ursula if you'd ask something like that."

Beast Boy grinned. "Hey, she's an octopus, I can turn into one—"

Cyborg chuckled. "Which brings me to ask, this sex that you've supposedly had, was it with a human?"

"Gives new meaning to the name 'Beast Man'," Robin said, glad the focus was off him.

Beast Boy looked flabbergasted. "Dude! That is so not right!"

Raven cleared her throat, Starfire's book open to a particular page. "Hmm…" Robin craned his neck for a look, but she turned away from him to hide what was written.

"Hmm, what?" Robin asked and reached for the book. "Raven, you really should give that to me."

"Why? So you can read it?" Raven eyed him with a bland expression. "No, I don't think so. It seems Bumblebee is very forthcoming with information," she continued, turning her eyeballing toward Cyborg.

"What? What'd she say?" Cyborg asked immediately, grabbing for the book.

Raven ghosted out of the way, the grin on her face malicious.

"What did who say about what?" Starfire asked, coming back through the door, her hair neatly brushed and pulled back in a pony tail, and her purple handbag draped over her arm.

Robin tried to distract her and grinned broadly, offering her his arm. "Are you ready for lunch? We should go."

"Right now?" she asked, looking confused.

"Yes, now—" Preferably before Beast Boy opened his mouth again.

"Running away, ickle Robby poo?" Beast Boy taunted.

"Yes," Robin muttered. "'Cause a discussion on my sex life is what I really wanted to do today."

Starfire pulled up short. "What?" she gasped. "Why are our friends speaking of your sex life?"

Robin cringed and wondered how he was going to get out of this predicament unscathed.

Raven immediately drifted to Starfire's side, handing over her book, which Starfire accepted with a raised eyebrow. "They were trying to go through your diary," she said sourly, with a reproachful glare at Beast Boy and Cyborg.

"Hey! It wasn't only us!" Beast Boy protested. "You want to know too!"

"I wasn't prancing around and shoving it in Cyborg's face," Raven retorted. "I certainly wasn't going to read it aloud. I only looked to see that you weren't taking things out of context. Which you were, by the way."

Starfire clutched the book to her chest protectively and glared at Beast Boy. "I see."

"Opps," Beast Boy said, ducking behind Cyborg to hide.

Starfire shot Robin a menacing look and he immediately held up his hands. "I didn't even look, Star."

"It was lying open on the table," Cyborg said hesitantly, acting all meek. "And when Beast Boy read the first line… Starfire's guide to… um... and Raven's answer was unsatisfactory… and you asked Bee… so… we were all wonderin'…"

"Well," Starfire said, still frowning at them. "My skirt has the zipper that allows for easy removal. It has been several years since we all did the trying on of Robin's uniform and he has grown so much since then and I was certain his uniform would have changed and wondered how exactly he got into his pants."

Robin felt triumphant. He knew there had to be an innocent reason behind all of this. And the deflated look on Cyborg and Beast Boy was just priceless.

"So… you were wondering… like… literally how he got into his pants?" Beast Boy blurted.

"Indeed," Starfire replied as she addressed Beast Boy. "Raven has said that your uniform consists of a zipper at the back for easy access—"

Something exploded somewhere in the Tower and Beast Boy went an odd colour. Cyborg laughed, seeming set to tease Beast Boy about that.

"—But Robin has no zipper on the back of his uniform," Starfire continued undaunted, "and Bumblebee has confessed to me that Cyborg has a—"

"DON'T!" Cyborg thrust up both hands in a blind panic, causing them all to jump. "Robin, get her out of here!"

Robin smirked at Cyborg and Beast Boy and wrapped an arm around Starfire's waist. "Why? This is getting interesting."

Starfire turned to Robin and tilted her head inquiringly. "I have been very curious, but I have not been able to see a seam or a place where a zipper would sit. Do you perhaps use the Earthern vel of crows? Or the buttons?"

"Stretch pants," he told her, offhand, still grinning at Cyborg and Beast Boy, thoroughly enjoying the looks on their faces. "They're a type of armoured spandex."

Starfire fell silent, considering his information.

Raven made a small choking sound. "I'm going to meditate," she squeaked slightly as she spoke. Her raven enveloped her form and she vanished, red-faced.

Beast Boy looked panicked. "Yeah… ahh…. I gotta… um…" He shrugged, changed to a cheetah and bolted from the room at full speed.

"And I think I need to call Bumblebee," Cyborg muttered, unable to look at anyone as he exited.

"Silly," she said with a shake of her head and a giggle.

Robin laughed and smiled at Starfire. "So, lunch?"

Starfire smirked at him and placed her book on the table along side her handbag. She leaned against the table and studied him.

"What?" he asked, the confused one now.

"Spandex," she mused, one fingers to her lips. "So… they would expand at the most inappropriate times."

Oh, shit. "Ahh…"

She licked her lips. "Although…"

Robin wasn't sure he wanted to know. "Although…?"

She turned coy and stroked her fingers along the top of the table. "My research yielded some… unexpected results."

"Your… research?" Robin asked, wishing he was the table and have those fingers caressing him.

She sidled up to him, a temptress expression on her face. "Did you truly think I did not know what the expression 'getting into someone's pants' meant?"

Robin swallowed reflexively. "Um…"

"My dearest Robin," she purred as she pressed herself against his chest. "I love you, you know this. We have loved one another for a long time; it is a natural progression of our relationship, yes?"


"Bumblebee has informed me that there is a particular Earthen… art that would allow the removal of your pants with much ease."

Robin gripped her waist, his eyes widening at this minxish personality. "Oh?" he asked, unable to help himself. Why, oh why, couldn't he give her more than one word replies?

"Yes, I have studied this art with great vigor." One finger slid beneath the collar of his uniform as she tugged at it coquettishly, the other… that was slipping down his back and lower.

His palms were sweaty, excitement already coursing through him. "Really?"

"Indeed." She shifted her hips, pressing herself against the lower part of his body. "It is called—" He groaned as she nipped him several times, her lips warm against his neck. "—the art of—" a nibble on his ear now and he felt himself getting very warm. "—seduction," she crooned and looked at him through her eyelashes. "I would very much like to try this with you." Her mouth hovered just over his, so close he could feel her lips brushing his when she spoke. "You would not be adverse to this, would you?"

He reached out and rested a hand on her neck, his thumb stroking lightly. "Are you sure? I mean… on Earth, it's a huge step…"

She made a noncommittal noise, still so close all he would have to do was lean forward and he'd be kissing her. "On Tamaran it is very different. Sex is not as big of a taboo as it is here. After the sharing of the first times, it is not uncommon for females to share their love with many different partners. I am looking forward to expressing my feelings of affection with Beast Boy, Cyborg," she lifted her hand, counting numbers on her fingers, "Flash, Speedy, Aqualad, Red Star, the twins, although I have not thought of which one first, perhaps I shall do both at once, Gnaark,—"

Robin stared at her, his eyes getting wider and wider as she rattled off name after name of male Titans. When she finally moved on to the females, he felt as though his backbone had completely disintegrated.

"Robin, I am doing the teasing of you," she said with a smile. "For a Tamaranian, it is a sacred joining of bodies. We do not undertake that journey lightly. And it is a voyage I would like to do with you, and only you."

Relief flooded him. "Really?"

Her fingers stroked his chest. "Yes, of course. Silly Robin." She caressed upward to his neck, her fingers entwining in tufts of hair. "So… do you wish to do more of the talking?" she asked, her tone sultry.

"By all means, seduce away," he said with a boyish grin. "I am at your mercy," he continued as he closed the distance between them to give her his answer with great vigour.

Of course, he hadn't been expecting Starfire to scoop him up bridal style and carry him away. He should have thought to do that himself, in hindsight, but he was too busy caught up in her lips. At least, he tried to consol himself, she hadn't tossed him over her shoulder all cavewoman like. And that particular image, as it was want to do, caused his second brain remember cavewoman attire, and what it would look like on Starfire, and that awakened a whole new train of thought.

Author's note:

Yes, some of you might notice a piece of dialogue stolen from "Batman and Robin" said by the Riddler. It was too good an opportunity to pass up. And I couldn't resist picking on myself (and Kater) with the condom thing ^_^. This story isn't related to the Object though, it's just something I think BB and Cyborg would do, no matter what universe ^_^.

Oh, oh, if you want to know what Cyborg has, there's a veeeeeeery interesting fic out there by Star of Airdrie's hubby called 'One man's junk'. It's on my fave's list and it's awesome. Like, really, really awesome. Go now. That is all.