Bella's Pain
by: runs-at-dawn

Summary: Alice comes back to Forks, expecting to deal with Bella's death. Instead she is confronted by her barely alive best friend's pain.
Rated T for swearing.

In New Moon, Bella never talks to Alice about everything she went through after Edward left her in the woods. Charlie does, but after all, he could only tell her the whole sad set of events from his perspective. However, I believe Bella should have spoken about it to Alice. This story starts with an excerpt taken from page 342 of New Moon (no copyright infringement intended) and then continues with my version of part of the rest of their conversation.

I sat down next to her and leaned my head on her shoulder. She put her cold arms around me and sighed.

"Bella. What are we going to do with you?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "I really have been trying my hardest."

"I believe you."

It was silent.

"Does—does he…" I took a deep breath. It was harder to say his name out loud, even though I was able to think it now. "Does Edward know you're here?" I couldn't help asking. It was my pain, after all. I'd deal with it when she was gone, I promised myself, and felt sick at the thought.


There was only one way that could be true. "He's not with Carlisle and Esme?"

"He checks in every few months."

"Oh." He must still be out enjoying his distractions. I focused my curiosity on a safer topic. "You said you flew here… Where did you come from?"

"I was in Denali. Visiting Tanya's family."

"Is Jasper here? Did he come with you?'"

She shook her head. "He didn't approve of my interfering. We promised…" she trailed off.


At those words I decided I wouldn't wait to feel the pain until after she left. The need to talk about it bubbled in my stomach, burning my throat until the words started spilling out of my mouth like vomit.

"Alice, the way I feel about, well, all this is so complicated. I am furious but at the same time I tell myself I can't force someone to love me. I just wish you guys had done things differently. You all hurt me so much."

Her eyes were glassy with tears that couldn't fall.

I continued, soldiering on through this speech I'd been preparing in my head for months. "I suppose you've also suffered because of all of this. I know Edward forced you to stay away from me, but you do have free will, Alice! You were my best friend! You could have contacted me anyway, even if it pissed off Edward. You have no idea what I've been through!"

"I am so sorry. I cannot find the words to convey how truly, truly sorry I am. I told him this would break you, but he was adamant. He wanted you to have a normal life; a human life. He wanted you to keep your soul."

"Ugh," I groaned, clenching my hands on my lap, frustrated beyond belief. "I wanted to give him my soul. Isn't that what people in love do? I told him I didn't care about it without him. I would have done anything to keep him. I wasn't enough. I suppose on some level I knew from the beginning someone like me would never be able to truly keep him, someone so weak, breakable and clumsy and boring."

"That's not true at all!" Alice protested.

"Please, don't even try…he told me. He was sincere -he was telling me the truth! If you had seen his face…He didn't want me or love me anymore..."

I started sobbing and she held me in her cold, hard arms, trying to comfort me, but the tears and sobs continued on pouring and I was unable to stop. After a few minutes, I calmed myself enough to continue speaking

"Alice, he left me, rejecting me like I was worthless. He was my whole life. You guys had become my family. I pictured my new life ahead of me. All the moments I would share with Edward, forever, never having to say goodbye to him. I could clearly picture learning how to fight with Jasper. Emmett would constantly crack jokes about our sex life. I hoped Rosalie would someday soften towards me. Esme was going to become my mother, someone I could actually depend on."

"I know," Alice whispered, still holding me. "We all looked forward to that too."

I sniffed. "Do you have any idea how much that hurt? He dumped me. He didn't try to work things out. He didn't give me the opportunity to be different, to try to be what he needed, wanted. It made me feel so insignificant and unworthy. I will never get over him. Never!"

She gazed at me with those beautiful eyes of hers, and I could tell she didn't know how to respond. Why did they all have to be so beautiful?

"When he left me in the woods," I continued, "I collapsed. A huge piece of me died that day. It started raining, and I wished to drown. I came out of my zombie state only when my mom tried to take me to Florida. I don't remember a lot of what happened during that time. My mom spoke to me about it; it was too painful for Charlie. I had nothing else to live for. I honestly thought of ending it all, many times. When I jumped off the cliff, I didn't do it to kill myself, but a small part of me wouldn't have minded much if I had died."

Alice gasped. "No Bella, don't say that, please. Edward made the ultimate sacrifice so you could live what he considers a normal life! How could you even think about that?"

"What do you mean, 'how could I even think about it?'" I said, my voice raw. "Of course I thought about it! How would you feel if Jasper left you, if he told you that he doesn't love you anymore, that you are no good for him?"

"He said that to you?" she cried out, distraught.

"Yeah, I can remember his words perfectly."

I had that conversation memorized, scorched into my brain like a painful brand. I thought about the most hurtful things he said and prepared myself to say them out loud. I needed to tell her, as much as it would hurt both of us. In a way this was cathartic. Jacob hated Edward, and talking to him about it would be beyond awkward. I certainly couldn't share this with Charlie; he'd gone through enough as it is. Besides, he wouldn't understand half the circumstances.

She was here; she was one of the few people who had actually been there when everything happened.

Alice's expression was pained. "Bella, you really don't need to do this."

"You need to understand how much he hurt me. Did he ever tell you what he said to me?"

"No. He absolutely refused to talk about it. I saw him talking to you and leaving, but I do not know what he said."

"This is what he said." I tried to mimic his velvet voice as best as I was able to. It was hard to let the words out. They had been so painful. 'Bella, I don't want you to come with me. I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not. You're not good for me, Bella. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. It will be as if I'd never existed. I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted.'"

"It's not true! It's not true at all. He still loves you. You don't have to be different, you are all he needs! You were meant to be together," she said firmly.

"I can't believe that. That would make it even worse. If he still loved me and left me, knowing he was my life…that would be an even bigger betrayal. It's easier to believe he never loved me at all."

"Oh, Bella, I am so sorry…"

"Stop apologizing. What's done is done."

"Bella, you are my best friend. I've never met someone like you. So warm, brave, loving…We all love you."

"If you all loved me, how could you leave me? You all left, just like he did, you are not without fault. Like Edward said, it was as if you had never existed. Did you know he took my birthday gifts from my room?"

"No, I did not." Alice gritted her teeth. "I cannot believe he did that."

"In a way I was relieved, even though he had made the decision for me as usual. He saved me from the hassle of doing it myself…Or maybe I would've kept them and obsessed over them day and night. Listening to the music he had composed for me, looking at the picture my dad took of us, the day before he…the day before…"

I dissolved into tears again. I hadn't cried like this in months. Jacob had helped me so much, but seeing Alice again had opened the floodgates of my hurt and sorrow. The feelings of betrayal, anger and abandonment were invading my mind as if they had never stopped plaguing my mind every time I thought about him.

She sat there on my couch, looking small and so sad. The urge to comfort her was making my body vibrate, but I also needed to at least try to expel these demons.

"You know, I started doing reckless things after I realized every time I did something dangerous, I could hear his voice. He would scream at me to stop it, to turn around and it thrilled me. Isn't that nuts? Part of the reason I jumped off the cliff was because I had run out of ways to hear his voice." I laughed a bit hysterically. Alice hissed, sending me a horrified look.

"I wanted to die; I wanted to die so badly. I wanted the pain to go away. Some days I would curl up in my bed and think of nothing else but him and only him. I screamed in my sleep. Even after Jacob helped me heal a little, the excruciating grief crushed me. Only his presence in my life kept me slightly sane."

She nodded. We sat in silence for a while. I started hiccupping, overcome with emotion. I was glad Alice was here. I had missed her almost as much as I had missed Edward.

"I'm curious about something else," I said. "Did you ever try to see my future?"

"No, Bella. Edward made me promise to leave you alone, to not disturb your life any longer. His hope was that in time you'd love again, live your life. He didn't want you to become a soulless monster like him. He said interfering in your life in any way would defeat his purpose for leaving. I wish I hadn't listened to him!"

"Do you really believe you are soulless monsters?"

She shook her head. "No, you know that."

I rubbed my eyes, feeling spent and weak. "I don't know what to believe, Alice. Were you ever really my friend?"

"Of course I was, and I would like to think I still am!" she cried out. "I begged Edward countless times to stop being so ridiculous. He wasn't himself. Eventually, he tired of our recriminations and sour looks and he took off. I still continued contacting him when he would let me, asking him to please let me at least call you or email you, anything! I should have never listened to him. I respected his wishes. I shouldn't have!"

She hugged me fiercely, almost too tight. I didn't make a sound, liking the feel of her against me. I closed my eyes and, for a second, let myself fantasize of having her in my life again.

Alice pulled away and looked me straight in the eye. "There is another reason why I came back to see you. It was imperative I see with my own eyes if you had truly…died." She winced. "A part of me clung to the hope that my vision had been wrong, that somehow you might have survived. If it had indeed happened, I wanted to be here for Charlie."

I nodded. "I imagine he would've been grateful for that." I paused and took a deep breath. "Why else did you come?"

Alice took my hands in hers. "I cheated and looked into your future the day before I saw you jumping off the cliff."

"What did you see?"

"I saw you in a wedding dress… getting married to Edward."

I started laughing so hard I doubled over. Between bouts of hysterical laughter, I said, "Oh my God…you…have certainly…certainly…lost your powers…" I laughed some more. "No wonder…you didn't…see…that I wasn't dead."

"Bella, stop it! I'm telling you the truth. You and Edward will be together again."

"No. That's not possible…He left me, how could he want to marry me. That's not a very nice thing to say, Alice. How can you even tell me that?" I screeched.

"I saw it as clearly as I saw Jasper waiting for me. I swear to you, this will happen."

I wiped my eyes, shaking my head. I looked her in the eye, trying to convey how serious I was. "Please, don't ever say anything like that to me ever again."

She nodded and I lay down on the couch, my head resting on her lap. She played with my hair and hummed a soft melody. Even though it was wrong, I felt comfort in this. The pain was almost pleasurable, being enveloped by cold arms, hard as steel.

There was so much more that we needed to talk about. Alice was going to totally freak out when I told her about Laurent and the fact my best friend phases into a vampire-hating wolf.

"I don't want to sleep," I complained, yawning.

She laughed. "Go ahead, take a nap."

"Promise you won't leave, at least not yet."

"I promise. I don't think I will have the strength to do what I did again. It was beyond painful, leaving you. I don't care about what Edward has to say, I'm tired of missing you."

"Oh Ali." I wrapped my arms around her middle, planning on never letting go.

After a bit, I felt myself drifting into sleep, not knowing that very soon a series of horrible events would actually lead me to get back together with Edward again.

-The end

What did you think about Bella's words to Alice? Was this the way she should have acted in New Moon? Please tell me your opinions; I would appreciate it so much!

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