A/N: This is my first foray into a slash fic. This story is much darker than any other I've written, so if you're expecting a typical HopelessRomantic79 story, this isn't it. There WILL be elements of cheating, among other topics which some readers may find sensitive or offensive. Please take that into consideration before reading. I'm basing this story off of real events in my life, so it's definitely close to my heart. I hope you enjoy it!
Thanks SO much to EmmaleeWrites05 for being my beta/idea bouncer-offer/supporter. :-D I also want to thank one of my best friends in the world for inspiring me to write this. He doesn't know I'm doing this... he'd probably kill me if he did. But he is my number one inspiration, and I write this out of love for him, because above all, I want him to be happy.
Disclaimer: Only the plot belongs to me, the rest is all Stephanie Meyer's.
Was it wrong that I didn't picture her when I went to sleep at night? Yes, yes it was. She was warm and soft beside me; trusting me completely and absolutely not to break her heart. I didn't deserve her because I would break her heart, in the end.
I couldn't help the things that were inside my head, in my heart. They'd always been there; secret wishes and lustful desires that shamed me, broke my heart, and filled me with rage at myself. I couldn't control those thoughts, even if I wanted to, which I didn't.
It was wrong. Or at least, that's what I'd always been taught to believe. An abomination, even. A freak of nature that should either be cured or eliminated.
So I hid. I held my lovely girlfriend in my arms and pretended that I wanted her. I loved her. I'd always love her. But never in the way that she deserved. Never the way it was intended to be, between a man and a woman.
I was a failure. I was supposed to be strong, make sure that I hid well beneath my façade, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop myself from staring just little too long, imagining things that were simply unacceptable.
I am going to hell.
* * * * * * * * * *
"Edward honey, is there anything you need washed today?" Bella called from the bathroom. I had to laugh. From where I was sitting on our bed, I could see that she was bending over, face inches away from dirty underwear and used towels. She was too adorable.
"Um no, not really," I said, unable to hold the humor out of my voice.
She gave me a long look, standing erect and putting a hand on her hip, narrowing her eyes at me. "I'm nice enough to touch your dirty clothes and you laugh at me?"
"I'm sorry love, I really am," I said still laughing. She bounded at the bed and straddled my waist.
"Apologize," she said with her lips at my ear and hands poised to attack my most sensitive spots in a tickle war. We tickled far more than we made love. I hoped this was a fact she didn't compute.
"Never," I said and dug my fingers into her sides. She squealed and fell over the bed as my hands attacked her.
"Stop it! Stop!" she giggled, tears already forming in her eyes. "I can't breathe, stop!"
I was unrelenting. She was truly beautiful when she was like this; even I had to admit it. Her brown eyes were full of happiness and something akin to joy. And that thought saddened me more than it ought to have.
I released her, tears now running down her face, and sat up. Now I was the one that felt like crying. I wasn't being fair to her. She was happy, and the worst part of it was I didn't deserve to be the one that made her laugh like that, to smile like that.
"Hey, what's wrong?" she asked, looping her arms around my body and resting her chin on my shoulder. "What happened?"
"Nothing," I said quickly. "I've gotta get ready, that's all."
"Oh," she said sadly and then kissed the side of my neck. It felt nice, but it didn't set me on fire. It never had. "Well, please come home to me in a good mood, OK? I'm going to make your favorite dinner and then maybe I'll be wearing my sexy underwear." She bit my ear.
"Sounds like a plan," I said, sadder still, and pulled away without kissing her. I could almost feel the disappointment radiating off of her, as it always did. I felt lousy for doing this to her all the time. I just didn't feel desire for her the way I really should, or the way that society told me I should feel. I shrugged on my suit jacket and walked back to kiss her on the forehead. "I'll be home at seven," I promised.
"OK," she said quietly, looking down now. "Bye."
"Bye." I was unable to look at her sad face again and walked out the door. I hated rejecting her like this. I knew it made her feel bad and I hated being the guy that hurt her.
But that's who I was, the guy that was set to break her heart, almost like it was fated. And the worst part was - I was the selfish bastard that kept her hanging. I should have done the right thing and ended things with her years ago, but I kept holding her close so that she couldn't find her own happiness. Neither of us were truly happy and it was my own fault.
The commute to Seattle didn't take long. Bella and I lived in Bellevue, but I worked in an office in downtown Seattle. As I sped along the highway towards the city, I blasted the radio and tried to forget the hurt look in her eyes.
The day was beautiful, bright blue sky, not a cloud in the sky… it was like the world was mocking me. I took the exit for the office building and made my way to the parking garage. I pulled in and made my way up to 15th floor.
I hated my job. I started as a temp right out of high school, expecting it would just be a summer job. I was going to be a doctor and Bella was going to be a journalist or perhaps a novelist. A writer in any case.
She got her dream. Bella graduated from UW with Masters degree in Comparative Literature and English. She was a free-lance writer for a local newspaper and working on her first novel. I couldn't have been more proud of her.
I had been dealt a bad hand. Right before I was set to enroll in UW in the pre-med program, my father was in a horrible car accident and I was forced to go home to Chicago to help my family. By the time I got back to Seattle, the job was still waiting for me, but the scholarship was not and with my family's medical bills, there was no way I could afford to go.
So I went back to the temp job, which soon became my permanent job and I was trapped in my own horrible circumstances; working in a law firm, filing papers and researching cases. I had a cubicle and everything.
Perhaps it was karma, something holding me back for holding Bella back. We'd met in high school in Chicago and we were instant friends. We were lab partners and she always knew how to make me laugh. And, she was beautiful to boot. I asked her to prom our junior year and that was it. We were virtually inseparable, she was my best friend. Soon, she was my girlfriend and we were delving into a new world.
Our first kiss had been extremely awkward. Since it was the first kiss for both of us, neither one of us knew what to do with our hands and our teeth clashed together painfully. There was no electricity, no nothing for me and I had chalked it up to our inexperience.
Our technique improved, but the chemistry never did. Still, she was the most important person in my life and I was going to do anything for her. When she announced that she wanted to go out west to be closer to her dad, I followed. We moved in together and it was there, sharing a home and bed, where we first consummated our relationship. That too, was awkward and passionless, but we improved with time until it was enjoyable. But it was only that, enjoyable. There was no real spark between us.
At least I didn't feel it. I wasn't sure how Bella felt about it, because we never talked about it. It had been quite a feat of her persuasive skills for me to even sleep with her to begin with. It wasn't that she wasn't attractive; it was that I wasn't attracted to her.
It wasn't until my co-worker, Emmett, sent me gay porn on my computer as a joke, that I realized what the problem was. I didn't have a problem becoming aroused, it was natural, instinctive.
I wanted that and I hated myself for it. The men in the video were beautiful. Their bodies moved together perfectly and I ached to be touched the way they were touching each other. I wanted a strong body wrapped around mine, rough palms instead of smooth.
I went home and fucked Bella into oblivion that night. I had to get those images out of my head. And she liked it; she really seemed to enjoy it. We usually "made love," slow and easy, but this was raw and pure fucking and for the first time, we came together, hard.
Maybe, I thought, maybe that was all I needed. A little stimuli on the side to keep me hot for my girlfriend. Maybe that was the answer to all our problems.
That was what I kept telling myself as I checked out site after site of men kissing men and more. It got me hot, unbearably so, and I took it all out on Bella - not that she was complaining. Our sex life, our relationship, had never been better and we were finally happy for the first time. I was eager to kiss her, to slip inside her and make us both writhe in ecstasy.
But every time, every single fucking time, just as Bella was tightening around me, I saw a man's face behind my eyelids, a harder body beneath my own. I would cum to those visions and not my beautiful girlfriend. And that's when I started to pull away from her again.
And it wasn't her fault. I knew she blamed herself, probably thought she wasn't sexy enough, or that her technique was stale, or any other thing someone blames themselves for when a lover turns away. But that wasn't it at all. Bella was perfect. It was me, this broken shell of a human that was pretending to be something he wasn't.
The truth hit me hard and I didn't want to admit it, not even to myself, but it was conclusive and undeniable. I was gay.
I am gay.
And I am just selfish enough to keep a beautiful, caring, sexy, loving, deserving woman in the dark for my own selfish purposes. Without her, I would be admitting to something I wasn't ready to accept.
"Morning, Cullen," Emmett said from behind his own cubicle not far from mine.
"Morning, McCarty," I replied, not looking at him. It took me awhile to admit it, but I was attracted to my huge, strong, tall, straight co-worker. The one who had been a catalyst in my own personal revelation. At first, I stupidly held out the hope that he'd sent it to me because he'd wanted me that way; that we could perhaps recreate the scene on the computer screen, but I was wrong. Without a doubt, Emmett McCarty was about as straight as they come and it would never happen.
I plopped in my chair and started sifting through the assignments placed on my desk for that day. Meeting, conference room B, 3 pm, one of the messages said. I sighed. The new partner of the firm was starting today and apparently he wanted to meet all of his employees. I hated meetings like this. They were tedious, boring and I wasn't in the mood.
The day went by torturously slow. I tried my best to ignore Emmett's near constant chatter and endless emails of "funny as shit stuff", because really, I was ten seconds away from pounding his face in. Normally, his behavior would have been appreciated; anything to distract me from the tedium of this job, this existence. But not today. I threw myself into my assignments, trying to escape somehow.
Finally, three o'clock rolled around and everyone rose from their desks to head to the conference room. Most of us stood. I picked the corner and crossed my arms across my chest, practically daring anyone to come close to me. No one did, not even Emmett. I think he'd finally gotten the hint at about two o'clock that I just wasn't in the mood.
And then suddenly, I was very much in the mood. Coming through the door of the conference room was the sexiest man I'd ever laid eyes on. He was tall and though I couldn't tell through his shirt, I suspected incredibly strong. You could almost see the muscle definition through his buttoned down shirt, which I immediately fantasized about ripping off his body, buttons flying everywhere. He had a full mouth and the brightest blue eyes I'd ever seen and his wavy brownish-blonde hair falling into them.
Fuck, I was hard. I desperately moved so that the entire office wouldn't see how I had been magically and instantly aroused by our new boss.
Shit. The boss. I was so screwed on so many different levels.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce you all to our newest partner, Mr. Jasper Whitlock. Mr. Whitlock is joining us from the Houston branch of the firm and we all hope that he finds his adjustment to our office smooth and enjoyable," Mr. Volturi said. There was a polite smattering of applause as Jasper stood at the head of the table.
"Thanks Aro," he drawled and I very nearly came. This was the devil incarnate, I was sure, come to tempt me and destroy me. "First of all, please call me Jasper. Second, I'm very excited about joining this branch. I hope we can all get a lot done and are able to put into practice what we believe is fair, just and true."
OK, so corny speech, but I couldn't have cared less. I was transfixed by the way his mouth moved, by the way his jeans fit snugly against what I was sure was a tight, firm ass. Oh God. I wasn't going to be able to leave this conference room without limping. The real trick was to leave without everyone seeing the massive hard-on I was sporting.
For the first time in my life, I contemplated rubbing one out in the bathroom.
And then my nightmare got worse. Jasper started making his rounds, shaking his hands with everyone in the room, getting closer and closer to me. My tongue felt like it had swelled three times its size. I'd never been nervous talking with anyone before, male or female, not even Bella, so the idea that this man could make me tongue-tied in less than five minutes was astonishing and alarming. And I was going to have to touch him… shake hands… introduce myself…
I gulped and steeled myself for the inevitable. There was no way I could leave the room without being spotted and attraction or not, he was not my boss with the power to fire me and everything.
Before I knew it, he was standing in front of me. He smelled incredible, masculine and unlike anything I'd ever imagined. We were nearly the same height, his eyes looking straight back into mine. They were startlingly blue and I was afraid I could very easily lose myself in them. His smile was genuine and damning.
"Hello, I'm Edward Cullen," I said, hating the small tremor in my voice. "I work in the research department." God, his grasp was firm and his hand was unbelievably silky in mine, something I hadn't expected. He looked like he should be throwing hay bales instead of defending people in court.
"Hello Edward, it's nice to meet you. I'm looking forward to working closely with you on many cases," he said. Once again, cheesy speech, but I was sure it had more to do with decorum than personality. He probably said the same thing to everyone. I looked him straight in the eye and my heart went crazy in my chest. Not good, not good.
And then he was off and I decided I had been in this room long enough. I booked it as fast as I could with the monster in my pants and ran into the empty bathroom, slamming the stall door behind me. I leaned against the wall, breathing hard. What in the hell was I going to do? Clearly, I was more than attracted to Jasper. It was hard enough without temptation walking right in front of me daily. I couldn't very well come into work with an erection and I couldn't be the horny, disgusting guy that pleasured himself in the restroom each lunch period, or more often.
I would think about this later. I had to. I couldn't deal with this now. It didn't take long to make my hard-on die. It didn't take disgusting images of my parents or grandmother in revealing underwear, only the heartbroken face of Bella to make me soft again. I couldn't do this to her. I was the worst person in the world right now.
I left. It was wrong and I knew it was a bad move on my part, but the entire office was empty still, meeting with my personal demon, so I slipped out unnoticed. I thundered down the highway back towards Bellevue, ignoring the stunning view of Mt. Rainier in the foreground.
I got home nearly three hours earlier than usual, so naturally Bella was not in her underwear as promised. She was sitting on the couch, books spread out around her for her research. She was deeply entrenched in her writing and didn't even notice I was in the apartment until I was standing directly behind her. She had iPod buds in her ears.
"AHHH! EDWARD!!!" she shrieked as she jumped off the couch, laptop nearly hitting the floor. "WHAT THE FUCK?!" I couldn't tell if she was yelling because she was afraid or because she had her music up. She yanked the buds out of her ears and kept on yelling. OK, I had scared her. "You nearly gave me a HEART ATTACK!!!"
"I'm sorry!" I said, holding my hands up almost as if I were under arrest. "I didn't mean to scare you."
I could see her breathing returning to normal and then her forehead wrinkled in confusion.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, looking at the wall clock. "It's only four o'clock!"
"I know, I, uh, got the rest of the day off, they didn't really need me in the office," I lied. I held out my arms to her and she slid comfortably in them, snuggling against my chest. Not for the first time I felt a wave of guilt as I stroked her long chestnut hair and she sighed.
Only this time was worse. I had never had an object of my desire before. The face I saw was always blank, generic. Jasper was not generic and I just knew I'd see his face when I closed my eyes, unique and gorgeous and so unattainable.
I felt Bella's lips brush across mine, sweet and familiar. I owed her this kiss. I leaned closer and deepened the kiss, feeling her melt in my arms and return the kiss was far more passion than I was capable of.
"I love you," she sighed between kisses and I returned it back in automatic response.
Shit, would the guilt just keep pressing down on me until I cracked? Or died? Fuck my life.
"I've been thinking about you all day," she continued, pulling away and taking my hand in hers. She was leading me to our bedroom. I followed, because there was nothing else for me to do. "And I'm sorry I wasn't ready with the sexy undies, but I think you'll find this a little bit better." Her voice was light and teasing, the total opposite of how I felt.
"See?" she said and I realized that she had taken off her shirt. She was naked for me, as I could see as she shimmied out of her sweatpants. "You like?"
"Yes," I lied again. "So beautiful." Not a lie.
I stroked her soft, welcoming skin and tried to bury myself in her essence. Soon, I would mean that literally. She was kissing me again and I did my best to return them.
We laid together on the bed, now both naked, and we kissed endlessly. I could tell she was getting very excited. She couldn't keep her hips still. I grabbed her by the waist, and guided my hips between her open legs. I owed her this and I couldn't deny that I needed the release as well.
I could see him now, still feel his hand in mine, wishing it were other places as well. I imagined hovering over him or perhaps him hovering over me, kissing passionately, the stubble on his chin scratching my face, marking me. "Edward, I need you," he whispered. "I want you."
"I want you, too, Jasper," I whispered back. "You're so beautiful. So strong. Take me, please."
I slipped inside Bella and she moaned, arching her back. "Yes, Edward, so good, more baby, more." Her fingernails dug into my shoulder blades and it hurt, but I deserved it.
I hated myself for it but I pounded into Bella, feeling her mewl and whimper beneath me as I gave her more. She didn't know that the arousal came from another and merely encouraged me more, bucking her hips towards me as I tried to lose myself in her.
"Fuuuuuck, Edward," she moaned. Bella hardly ever cursed so when she did, I knew that meant I was doing something right and I was glad I could at least make her happy in this one small way, even if it wasn't her causing the need.
"Please baby, cum for me," I pleaded. "Touch yourself." I couldn't bring myself to do it.
She did and seconds later, she was tightening around me, bringing me closer than ever to my release. All it took was the image of Jasper pushing into me and I was cumming harder than I ever had in my entire life. "Oh shit," I growled, fully aware that I had very nearly said Jasper's name. I pulled out quickly and collapsed on my back, staring blankly at the ceiling.
"Jesus Edward, that was amazing," Bella sighed. "I love it when you lose control like that." She curled into my side and I felt like shit. She kissed under my jaw. "Are you hungry? I can start making dinner if you'd like."
"Yeah sure," I said, noncommittally. "Need help?" I knew she wouldn't.
"No that's fine," she said. "You just lay there and relax." She threw on my work shirt, closing one button and throwing on her panties. "I got fifty pages done today," she hollered from the kitchen. "I was really inspired."
"That's great," I said and I meant it. She was quiet after that, probably gathering ingredients together. I could hear the TV go on, some random gibberish I couldn't decipher.
Fuck me. What was I going to do?
Like I said before, I was going to hell.
A/N II: I live for reviews, and I would LOVE to know what you think. :-)