Title: Only Fools Play Pretend
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, and I do not make any money from these fictions.
Summary: "It's okay that you don't love me, Bones…Just let me pretend." Only fools play pretend…And I'm the biggest fool of all…
"It's okay that you don't love me, Bones. It's okay," Jim whispers softly in my ear, arms going around my neck, and goddamn it, I shouldn't be doing this – I shouldn't, I'm taking advantage of Jim, and Jim's had enough pain in his life…
"Just let me pretend a bit, Bones. Just let me pretend," and now there's a hint of pleading in Jim's voice, and I never could say "no" to the kid…to Jim – to my captain. This is so fucked up – so fucked up. But it's been a while, and Jim is the hottest thing on two legs – not even I can deny that, especially not when Jim is plastered along my front and that amazing mouth is licking and sucking and nipping at that really sensitive spot right below my ear.
And I might not be in love with Jim – but I care about him. I don't know what I would do without him. Jim is my best friend, my confidante, the one who listens when I've had a fucked up day and just need a drink and an ear for my rants. And Jim never takes offense to my grump – just grins, or smiles, and pats me on the back. Jim's the reason I'm C.M.O. of Starfleet's flagship, instead of six feet in the ground – from depression, from alcohol poisoning, from my own fucked up self.
It's for Jim – Jim wants to pretend, so I will let him pretend. I'll kiss him back, and hold him tight, and not think about the fact that my cock might be screwing up the best thing that has ever happened to me. Because maybe if I had the strength to say "no"…but I don't and never will, and there's no use in thinking about what could be.
So I let Jim pretend…
Why is Jim letting that fucker touch him? Why doesn't he push him away?! Jim…fuck that…fuck him. I don't need him anyway. All I need is this bottle of bourbon…well, this bottle, and maybe another one. And then maybe I can get my imagination to stop torturing me with thoughts of that alien's slimy purple hands all over Jim's beautiful golden skin…
"Fuck, I'm getting too fucking old for this…"
"Doctor, I estimate that your use of inappropriate language increases exponentially with your intake of alcoholic substances. As this is a diplomatic function…" Just shut the fuck up, Spock! Just shut the fuck up! You don't know anything, you green-blooded, pointy-eared, hobgoblin computer!
And shit…I just said that out loud. Great…just fucking great.
Well…at least Jim wasn't paying attention to that purple fucker anymore…
"Bones…" Jim moaned. That was such a beautiful sound…I love the sounds of Jim's pleasure. His little hitches of breath, his moans, but my favorite…
Yep, there's his little panting whine. It always goes straight to my cock…
"Doctor, perhaps you should rest…" Fucking Chapel…I'm the CMO, not her! She may be head nurse, but that doesn't give her the fucking right to try to order me out of my own fucking sickbay! Especially not when Jim's not an hour past surgery that saved his fucking fool ass. Jim's not going on any more away missions…not if I have anything to say about it!
"Doctor…you will be no use to the captain if…" Oh, and Chapel is still talking…when will this woman ever shut up?
"I know you love him, sir, but…"
"Shut your mouth!" And yes, my glare can even make Chapel cower. Nice to know I still have it…Now about Starfleet Code 3456 Subsection 3…maybe if I comm Pike with the proper interpretation of this goddamn code he'll be able to order Jim to stay on the ship a little more.
I still can't get the red of his blood off my hands…I know that it's not really there anymore – not physically, anyway, the decontamination unit took care of that…but I can feel his lifeblood squishing under my nails, covering the rest of my hands with his warm, wet…
Well, it's best not to goddamn think of that. A man can drive himself crazy, that way…
"Bones…I don't really feel like it now…" He just shrugged me off! Unbelievable, James goddamn "T for Tomcat" fucking Kirk just shrugged me off…pushed my lips from his neck and scrunched his shoulders up, and told me he wasn't in the mood!
"Jim…" And my voice is not cajoling…But it's been a while…not since I went to Pike with my idea to keep Jim on the bridge more often…Jim did not appreciate my interference, and he must have Pike by the short and curlies, because the goddamn admiral sided with my fool of a captain…
"I said no, Bones." And, well, that's that...if automatically sliding doors could slam, they just did.
Maybe Jim isn't talking out of his ass when he says his "Silver Lady" will do whatever he wants her to, as long as he treats her right…
Or maybe I need to get my head examined, because I'm starting to sound like my fool of a lover…who refuses to have sex with me!
"Have you spoken with the captain, Dr. McCoy?" Oh…and there's Spock…always there when you don't want him.
"He's a bit testy right now, Spock." So go away…because I sure as hell don't want to talk to you. Always sticking your nose where it don't belong – Jim was my friend first. You can't have him.
"That is understandable, considering the circumstances." And goddamn it, what does the hobgoblin know that I don't. I really don't want to talk to him now…or ever…
The things I fucking do for that kid…
"Of course, Doctor McCoy, seeing as it is the twenty-sixth anniversary of Nero's arrival in this time stream, the destruction of the U.S.S. Kelvin, and the captain's birth."
I'm a fucking bastard. A fucking selfish, self-absorbed, pushy bastard.
This is why I don't fucking deserve Jim…not his friendship, and most certainly not his love. Maybe I should just let Spock have him…Spock would probably love him the way I can't, instead of just being a bad fucking friend. With benefits.
So why does the idea of Spock putting those telepathic hands anywhere Jim make me want to knock him one good?
It's not like I deserve Jim. He came to me for a hug, and I tried to make it into sex…How could I forget his fucking birthday? I don't care how fucking busy this starship has been the past couple…well, months…
"Doctor McCoy? Doctor McCoy?" Goddamn it, was Spock talking all this time?
Why do people just keep talking to me when I'm obviously not listening? Can't they see the fucking scowl?
Well, this is just my fucking luck, isn't it? He doesn't want to have sex with me, but Sulu…
Well, the flyboy's another story, I guess…So much for Jim fucking loving me. I should have known better than to think…
"Bones…it was just pretend. I loved you, and I needed to feel loved in return. But I need something real now. And Hikaru…that was a mistake. He showed me just how fucked up pretending can be. Because I'm not Chekov, and he's not…well…Just - thanks for pretending, at least for a little while."
Pretending…right…that's what I was doing.
"Leonard…do you want to talk about it?"
No, Nyota – I do not want to fucking talk about it. Not all of us are fucking communications officers. Some people just like to brood in peace…
"All right, if you're just going to stand there scowling, trying to ignore me, I'm going to say what I was going to say anyway."
Of course you are. Just my fucking luck.
"Love…true love, healthy love – it's about giving yourself whole-heartedly to a person, and trusting that they won't make you give up what makes you yourself. You guys have the giving yourself whole-heartedly down pat, and unless you ask the captain to stop being the captain, or he asks you to stop being a doctor, I don't think you'll have a problem with the second part. But…he told me…he told me that it was all just pretend, on your part. But, Leonard – I've seen the way you look at him. The only one who thinks this is pretend is him – and if you somehow managed to blind yourself into thinking it too, then you are a fool – and maybe you don't deserve him."
Brilliant pep talk, Nyota. Just what I needed. Oh, and there – perfect – now the "Silver Lady" is slamming sliding doors for people on behalf of the captain as well.
Nyota was right – I'm a fool. I'm a fucking foolish bastard, and if there's a higher being out there somewhere, he'll rip this heart right from my chest and steal the blood from my veins, and give it all to Jim.
"Bones..?" No, Jim…don't say my name like that…not now. Jesus fucking Christ…don't look at me like that, kid. Don't…
"'m sorry, Bones. 'm sorry. I…I didn't mean…" Shh…Shh…Jim. Please, just conserve your strength.
"'m sorry you have to w-watch me die…I always thought…I always thought I'd be a-alone…" Jim…Jim, no. Don't…I can't be crying right now – I have to see. I have to see so I can apply pressure to the wound…so close to your femoral artery. I think…no, I'm not going to lie to myself, not anymore – I know you nicked it. But even a nick…you have minutes, Jim. Minutes.
Twenty at the fucking most – if Spock doesn't manage to pull a miracle from alongside that stick up his ass in the next fifteen minutes, not even the advanced medical technology on the Enterprise will save you…
"Don't cry, Bones. You're…you're supposed to be grumpy. I know everything is all right when you're grumpy…"
Jesus, kid…Jesus…just – stop looking at me like that. You're tearing my fucking heart out. Actually…go ahead and rip it out of my chest. I want you to have it…because then I won't be around to watch the life bleed out of your eyes, knowing that it was my foolishness that caused it…
"Bones…Bones…everything is getting hazy…and darker…"
"No, Jim…Jim, look at me. Jim…"
"'m lookin', 'ones, 'm lookin'…" No, stop slurring. You're not drunk, you bastard. You just…you just have to hold on, a little bit longer.
"Jim, Jim…I love you, Jim. I love you. So much. You hear me? I love you! You hear me, you asshole? I love you, with everything left of this shriveled up thing I call a heart. So you hold on. I love you. Okay? I love you." I think…I think I've just said that three word phrase more in the last couple seconds than I have in my entire life.
"No…no you don't, 'ones. But thanks for sayin' it. Thanks for playin' pretend…one last time. 'karu wasn't good at it…wasn't grumpy 'nough to pretend to be you…" No…Jim…open your eyes – give me one last shit-eating grin. Please, Jim…Please. I love you…I said it. Why didn't you believe me?
I promise I'll be with you soon…
Author's Note: Well…I wanted to try a stream-of-consciousness type thing, but dialogue kept interfering. Let me know what you guys think…